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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want a present from in-laws

154 replies

Clarion · 06/11/2016 12:21

Sorry this is really long.... And it's more of a WWYD than an AIBU.

A bit of background: we have had a lot of problems with MIL, and these problems got worse after we had children. Sadly we are now 'low contact' with them (our choice) and we stopped letting them having unsupervised contact with our DC a about 3 years ago as a result of her behaviour.

FIL usually just for along with MIL for a quiet life.

I've always tried to be cordial for DH's sake.

My birthday is coming up and MIL has form for using gifts in a manipulative ways, with strings attached. The year I was expecting her first DGC (4 years ago) they gave me a very expensive gift which cost way more than they would usually spend. They were clearly trying to 'buy' a good relationship with me before the baby arrived so she could have lots of baby time.
2 years ago they gave me a posh meal out with DH, and 30 second after I opened it, MIL quickly offered to babysit Hmm We didn't let them.
Last year things came to a head (not gift related) and we put some boundaries in place and started calling her out more frequently on her bad behaviour, which she didn't like. My birthday present was deliberately late (I eventually received something bland and inexpensive) with no expansion or apology, then she made a big song and dance about celebrating her other DIL's birthday a few weeks later.

Now she is asking what I would like. The answer is I don't want anything from them. I'm tired of these 'gifts' and having to be grateful even though I know there are strings attached or it's a snub. What do I do?

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 06/11/2016 13:18

So looking forward to when DS grows up and gets married. Thanks to Mumsnet, I'm prepared to accept that I will never get anything right..,,

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 06/11/2016 13:18

Including adding extra commas when they weren't necessary....

Haffdonga · 06/11/2016 13:19

I agree that there has to be a bloody big back story here. On the face of it you have told us:

Year 1: Big expensive gift when you were pregant. So ( She was trying to buy a relationship )

Year 2: Posh meal and a babysitting offer. ( So it has strings attached )

Year 3: Bland and inexpensive gift. ( So it's a snub )

Year 4: She has given up trying to guess what you would like because she has failed to satisfy you every year so far. So she asks you what you would like and you are tired of these gifts

You sound spoilt, ungrateful and impossible to please. While there may be a totally different back story here, you haven't told us the story and on face value I feel very sorry for MIL.

MatildaTheCat · 06/11/2016 13:20

We can't comment without more info on why you stopped her seeing your DC unsupervised and other behaviours you found so difficult.

However, of course you can say no gifts if you want to but if you want to maintain some relationship maybe ask for a token or something inpersonal.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/11/2016 13:21

What behaviour op? Unless you explain, you're going to potentially be written off as unreasonable. My mother is often unreasonable and nasty to me and I still let her have contact with dd as she's a much better grandmother than mother. Has your mil done something to upset or endanger your dc? Extended family can be very good for a child's mental health so it depends on the circumstances.

IrregularCommentary · 06/11/2016 13:24

OP, you don't give any info about your MIL buy I'll assume it's serious enough behaviour for the no unsupervised contact. I have the same rule with my MIL, which I believe is in the best interests of DDS safety.

You'll probably find it easier to give her an idea than say you don't want anything. I suspect this would become it's own issue. How about saying you can't think of anything you need, but suggest a plant or flowers or something that you can enjoy but isn't too big a gift either.

AmeliaJack · 06/11/2016 13:27

Why not just ask for a new scarf for winter or a plant?

Aderyn2016 · 06/11/2016 13:30

I think posters are reading this as if it is the gifts that are the issue, rather than thebad behaviour which led to low contact and the gift thing is the latest strategy from mil to control the situation and manipulate the OP into doing giving unsupervised access to the dc.

Personally, I don't think anyone who isn't the child's parent should have any automatic right of access to children. Grandparents are not parents.

LookMoreCloselier · 06/11/2016 13:30

Just think of something you do want? I often think of something I want, eg a new coat and ask for a voucher towards it from the shop I have seen said coat. Maybe people don't like giving vouchers for shops but then if they have asked... I also can find it awkward asking for a specific thing if I am not sure how much they are looking to spend so the voucher means they can spend whatever. Then I can show them the coat and say how much I like it. I guess there more to the story here and I totally understand what you are saying about big gifts with strings attached.

Haffdonga · 06/11/2016 13:31

i'd love to hear the MIL's version of events here.

Year 1: I was so excited about their baby that I spent a lot of money on a fabulous gift. DIL didn't seem to like it. I felt very hurt.
Year 2: I knew being new parents they didn't get much time together so I bought them a meal (no, not with ,me!!) and I tried to be thoughtful and make it easier so offered to babysit. They didn't even use the voucher. Sad
Year 3: I had obviously made mistakes and gone OTT before so this year I tried to keep it simple and just bought DIL some nice bath stuff. She appeared insulted that I'd not made more of an effort. WTF am I supposed to do?
Year 4: This year I have no idea what to do. Everything I get seems to piss her off. Everything I say is wrong. Everything I suggest gets a sulky response. I've even asked her what she wants and she just says nothing. I think she just wants to cut ds and dgc off from me and pretend I don't exist.

DeathStare · 06/11/2016 13:33

I think what the OP was trying to say was that there are bigger problems in the relationship with ILs (hence the low contact) and that within this problematic relationship the ILs use gifts manipulatively so the OP doesn't know what to say when asked what gift she'd like. I don't think she's saying that the gift giving issues are the whole problem.

OP, as others have said I'd ask for a gift voucher for a specific shop.

2kids2dogsnosense · 06/11/2016 13:37

I have to agree with others here. When I read your post I thought that unless there was a huge amount you were not telling us, then actually - YABVU indeed.

SnaggleBeast · 06/11/2016 13:37

I think I'd just say 'Oh just chocolates or a bottle of wine. Whatever you pick is fine :) '

BertrandRussell · 06/11/2016 13:39

There might be a massive backstory. Obviously sometimes there is. But often the backstory seems to be a woman hoping that she will continue to have a relationship with her son once he has a partner and hoping to have a relationship with her grandchildren.

SnaggleBeast · 06/11/2016 13:40

Come off it people, she said there are problems to the point they've gone low contact before mentioning the presents. And that they don't let them have the children. Obviously there is more to it than the presents!

2kids2dogsnosense · 06/11/2016 13:40

shouldhavebeenJess

I hope there is no way is anyone as punctuationally challenged as you is getting unfettered access to a small, vulnerable and easily-influenced child.

Rosehips · 06/11/2016 13:41

I get it! Especially the 'now i've bought you this meal i'll be able to get my grubby hands on your children evil cackle

Don't suggest anything you actually want or need, just pick something bland it might be nice to have but cause you no bother if you don't receive/ get a deliberately bought crap version of.

Haffdonga · 06/11/2016 13:46

Her thread title is AIBU not to want these presents?

Her entire post is about what presents her MIL has bought and why the presents were inappropriate.

Her question is that MIL has asked her what she would like for Christmas and she asks WWYD.

She gives us no further context or information.

How in any conceivable reading is this not a thread about presents?

Cherrysoup · 06/11/2016 13:47

I sympathise with the OP. I fail to see why she should give a massive back story. She's gone lc for a reason and stopped unsupervised contact for a reason. We don't need to have a thrilling story through which we can love vicariously.

My DM also did the massive OTT gifts so she could then demand a relationship/pull the apron strings to get me to do what she wanted. I refused the massive gift (money) and she's been annoyed ever since because now she can't call me out and demand my presence or remind me that I 'owe' her.

BertrandRussell · 06/11/2016 13:50

"get it! Especially the 'now i've bought you this meal i'll be able to get my grubby hands on your children evil cackle"

Even if there was a bit of self interest going on, what's the harm in that? You get a lovely meal out- she gets some time with her grandchildren- everyone's happy!

SnaggleBeast · 06/11/2016 13:52

She said they are low contact and they don't let them have the children at the start of the post as reason why she doesn't want the presents.

For some reason everyone has just chosen to ignore that and make out she is just being ungrateful about the presents and babysitting.

Fucking stupidest responses to a thread I've read all day.

SnaggleBeast · 06/11/2016 13:53

Well no, because they are low contact and aren't allowed the kids because of her previous behaviour. Can you not read?

2kids2dogsnosense · 06/11/2016 13:53

Cherry

Tell your DM that for a massive gift of hard cash she is very welcome to both of mine - they're aged 30 and 33, but can behave like 2 year olds at the drop o that.

BertrandRussell · 06/11/2016 13:54

So we just have to accept that her reasons for "going low contact" are good ones?

SnaggleBeast · 06/11/2016 13:56

Why wouldn't you? Why do you need to be judge and jury on that?

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