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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not want a present from in-laws

154 replies

Clarion · 06/11/2016 12:21

Sorry this is really long.... And it's more of a WWYD than an AIBU.

A bit of background: we have had a lot of problems with MIL, and these problems got worse after we had children. Sadly we are now 'low contact' with them (our choice) and we stopped letting them having unsupervised contact with our DC a about 3 years ago as a result of her behaviour.

FIL usually just for along with MIL for a quiet life.

I've always tried to be cordial for DH's sake.

My birthday is coming up and MIL has form for using gifts in a manipulative ways, with strings attached. The year I was expecting her first DGC (4 years ago) they gave me a very expensive gift which cost way more than they would usually spend. They were clearly trying to 'buy' a good relationship with me before the baby arrived so she could have lots of baby time.
2 years ago they gave me a posh meal out with DH, and 30 second after I opened it, MIL quickly offered to babysit We didn't let them.
Last year things came to a head (not gift related) and we put some boundaries in place and started calling her out more frequently on her bad behaviour, which she didn't like. My birthday present was deliberately late (I eventually received something bland and inexpensive) with no expansion or apology, then she made a big song and dance about celebrating her other DIL's birthday a few weeks later.

Now she is asking what I would like. The answer is I don't want anything from them. I'm tired of these 'gifts' and having to be grateful even though I know there are strings attached or it's a snub. What do I do?

OP posts:

Brighteyes27 · 07/11/2016 19:34

I can't imagine what she's done for things to be this bad.

My MIL can be very manipulative at times we know what she is like but would hate to see the relationship between her and my DH or DC broken down in such a way as this.

Namechangeemergency · 07/11/2016 19:46

THis thread is hilarious.
OP posts one vagueish post on Sunday lunch time and MN spends the next day and a half arguing with itself

onlyMeeeee · 07/11/2016 20:11

Namechanged I was just thinking the same thing... And no sign of the OP! What a wind up!

onlyMeeeee · 07/11/2016 20:11

Sorry Namechange

Wotshudwehave4T · 07/11/2016 20:13

Easy - no drama- tell her it's a lovely gesture, but you don't need anything and if she'd still like to give, ask her to donate to "x" charity- make sure it's a main stream one, not one she could read something into eg "victimised DILs" or similar

brianna5 · 07/11/2016 23:45

As I believe we all have the right to give both negative and positive opinions based on how we perceive d post. Op is reading the post just not sure to respond as she mite be having a reality check
I don't have a lovely mil either but wouldn't just make my kids or DH have low or no contact cos of how I feel.
I just don't bother I leave it to her ds to deal wit his parents. I give my pil as much access as I give my parents. I just don't deal wit them that's wot their son is dere for.
They don't even have access to ask for wot gifts I want they ask their son & when I recieve gifts in post I'm grateful as regardless of wot intentions R behind it they remembered me. Simple
I keep wot I like & give away wot I don't
Don't get y the post is up so silly in my opinion
That's Life deal with it
I think we all forget we will b mil one day and u mite just believe u r fantastic but ur dil mite Neva perceive u as that Neva forget to still b on mumsnet Pls

Tatlerer · 08/11/2016 06:51

Would those of you saying or implying that OP needs a reality check feel the same way if MIL had been abusive, either physically or verbally, to her children? Or had put them in danger due to alcohol/ substance abuse? Either could be a possibility.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/11/2016 08:07

People who can't imagine what could be so bad that the OP's family would go LC with this woman should consider themselves lucky that they have no idea of what goes on in other people's lives. There are so many reasons why it is NOT a good idea to maintain contact with a toxic relative, and especially to keep the children safe from that toxic person.

But hey - it's not within your personal experience, so clearly it couldn't possibly be that bad.

BertrandRussell · 08/11/2016 08:39

"That's not your business though. We take the OP at face value"
Well we are supposed to when the magic words mother in law are spoken. Not ever, in any other context!

embo1 · 08/11/2016 08:57

Maybe she realises she has been manipulative with gifts (it may have been so ingrained that she didn't realise at the time) or maybe she senses you feel this way. Either way, she wants to get you something you will be pleased with/find suitable.
Go for something small that she can't use against you and you won't be too fussed about if she gets the wrong colour or version.

toomuchtooold · 08/11/2016 09:01

Ooh, some going on, how fun.

The OP said that her MIL's behaviour has not been good, in fact it's been so bad that she doesn't trust her alone with the children. If you think she's lying about that, she could be lying about any of the details up to and including having a MIL at all. And if she was lying, why wouldn't she have invented something suitably lurid and sympathy inducing? It's much more plausible to believe that she's simply telling the truth, and doesn't want to share details that make her identifiable - she's simply looking for advice on an anonymous forum.
Anyway OP I agree with the upthread ideas of "what you got me last year was lovely" or a charity donation. Takes the sting right out.

BertrandRussell · 08/11/2016 09:05

I am perfectly prepared to believe that the mil is utterly awful.

But I am equally prepared to believe that the dil is utterly awful. And I am not prepared to automatically side with the dil, even if that is accepted mumsnet practice.

nokidshere · 08/11/2016 09:14

Given that the op says the gift given on the birth of the first grandchild was wildly expensive and designed to buy a good relationship with her, there were clearly significant problems between them even before children came along.

BertrandRussell · 08/11/2016 09:21

Possibly.

Or it could mean that they, (like my irritating and not my favourite people in laws) just got wildly over excited about the arrival of their grandchild and went a bit bonkers in John Lewis.........
or in the case of my in laws, wildly over excited in Argos

BertrandRussell · 08/11/2016 09:23

And even if it was designed to "buy a good relationship" we have no way of knowing whose fault the poor relationship was. It is entirely possible that they were so desperate to placate a difficult dil that they were prepared to try anything.............

Juney21 · 08/11/2016 11:40

To add my tuppence worth the OP is definitely NBU. If you read the order of events, OP put in place unsupervised contact three years ago. Along comes ML the next year and a offers a nice meal out - so that she can babysit, totally attempting to override DIL's clearly stated decision. If that's not manipulation then I don't know what is. That puts OP in a terrible position - she loses either way. If she accepts, she's going against her own 'conditions'. If she refuses, she sounds ungrateful.

I wouldn't want 'loaded' gifts either and would feel quite 'down' as birthdays/christmases approach, wondering what silent message was coming my way this time.

Also, OP refers to 'we' when referring to low contact. That infers that this is a joint decision between her and her OH so it would seem that this decision has been very considered.

To answer OP's WWYD - personally, I'd ask MIL for a voucher, as other people have suggested. That way, she's keeping herself in a good place and can't be accused of being ungrateful. All you can really do in this kind of situation is to do what's right for yourself and your immediate family.

I say that as a MIL to three DILs. Best of luck.

autumnintheair · 08/11/2016 12:33

Well we are supposed to when the magic words mother in law are spoken. Not ever, in any other context!

I have to say its sweet you always think the best of MIL intentions no matter what an op writes eg, " MIL took my baby from me at one day old and never returned"

" Oh the silly thing she loves her GC that much you should feel lucky our dc need all the love they can get after all" ...

But I do wonder whether one has considered the possibility that actually this relationship can be a very tricky one and it can cause people an awful lot of pain. Maybe you have never read those threads were an op is considering a divorce because of the negative impact on her life - her personal home life from an awful mil.
And I wonder if one cant imagine this - what the point is - of posting on so many mil threads in that same scoffing incredulous way and whether that is in the spirit of this sight? I mean opposing view points are excellent but if your never ever going to listen to the op what is the point?

autumnintheair · 08/11/2016 12:40

And I am not prepared to automatically side with the dil, even if that is accepted mumsnet practice

I must admit I follow MIL threads because I have been part of that couple sat in RELATE wondering if our marriage will make it due to my MIL. My heart goes out to dils who I read on here struggling but that does not mean every single time i have supported a dil just because, not at all.

But in following the threads I have seen your name many times and I must admit it does cause my heart to sink a little because your tone is that of incredulity and in fact what you have said on this thread you have pretty much said on all of them.

Unless the poor op has been so upset by your posts they have gone into great detail about various transgressions then - you may possibly have backed down. But I think to drive someone to that point is against the spirit of this site.

You seem to have massive issues with posters coming on here to vent, ask for help or support in dealing with MILS and yet for some of us being able to do this is a life saver. You cannot understand the pain and problems a bad dynamic like this can cause and you seem to have no understanding of the desperation many posters feel.
When it seems you perhaps lack such compassion why do you keep positing on these threads?

Gottagetmoving · 08/11/2016 15:06

Surely people have a problem with their DH not their MIL?
A MIL cannot be a problem unless her DS allows it.
If you have a partner who allows his mother to have a negative effect on his family, then you have a problem with him not her.

Why do so many women have to have this battle? I suspect because a lot of times they are just as bad as the woman they are complaining about and decide to get into a battle.

Bearfrills · 08/11/2016 16:04

Surely people have a problem with their DH not their MIL? A MIL cannot be a problem unless her DS allows it.

Yeah. MIL was an emotionally abusive fucknugget because DH allowed her to be....

Memoires · 08/11/2016 18:15

It's never as simple as that, Gottagetgoing, or very rarely. And you may be right about some dils being as bad as their mils, but you won't be right about all of them.

Families have very complicated dynamics - hell, people have complicated dynamics - and it's very unlikely that any of us could use a stock answer reasonably every time.

It is far more helpful to take what the op, any op, says as their truth. If this op were asking how to improve her relationship with her mil then many of the responses here would be reasonable. However, this op isn't. Her question is very very simple - "how do I tell my manipulative mil that I don't want a present from her?", ie, least obnoxious way of saying no thank you.

The op isn't interested in satisfying people's curiosity about her mil. That may be because she's making it up (paucity of imagination there, if so), she might be uninterested is filling in the details because it's too upsetting, or because she's very unsure about the decision and is scared of being wrong, she might be secure in her decision, which appears to be one she has reached together with her dh, and therefore not remotely interested in whether we think it's the right one or not.

And why should she be interested is satisfying your demands? That's where the accusation of entitlement sits, in people's demands for more details. Why? She has no obligation to us or our salacious appetites, and we have no right to demand it of her either. Would you do that in rl? You are with a group of people, and one asks the question. Do you really sit there demanding more and more details of the unfortunate woman? No, I bet you don't. No one decent or empathetic would.

Gottagetmoving · 08/11/2016 20:05

Yeah. MIL was an emotionally abusive fucknugget because DH allowed her to be

She is what she is. Your DH doesn't have to allow her to adversely affect your family. People behave the way you allow them to.

Bearfrills · 08/11/2016 20:24

Your DH doesn't have to allow her to adversely affect your family.

When someone, by dint of their behaviour, has you so mentally damaged that it takes many years of antidepressants and therapy before you can cut them out of your life then 'allow' becomes a relative term. If it was so easy to walk away from abuse with a strong, sharp "no more!" then everyone being abused would be doing it.

I think your remarks are belittling what can often be a very difficult family dynamic.

Notquitewhatiexpected · 08/11/2016 22:27

Gottagetmoving - It took my husband approximately 10 years to realise what a nightmare his mother was. We almost split up because of her.

brianna5 · 09/11/2016 08:08

I'm sure if mil had been abusive she wouldn't even have the time to think of accepting a gift let alone post it on mumsnet. Or it'll have had a diff post

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