Aibu to not want a present from in-laws

[Clarion]

Sorry this is really long.... And it's more of a WWYD than an AIBU.

A bit of background: we have had a lot of problems with MIL, and these problems got worse after we had children. Sadly we are now 'low contact' with them (our choice) and we stopped letting them having unsupervised contact with our DC a about 3 years ago as a result of her behaviour.

FIL usually just for along with MIL for a quiet life.

I've always tried to be cordial for DH's sake.

My birthday is coming up and MIL has form for using gifts in a manipulative ways, with strings attached. The year I was expecting her first DGC (4 years ago) they gave me a very expensive gift which cost way more than they would usually spend. They were clearly trying to 'buy' a good relationship with me before the baby arrived so she could have lots of baby time.
2 years ago they gave me a posh meal out with DH, and 30 second after I opened it, MIL quickly offered to babysit We didn't let them.
Last year things came to a head (not gift related) and we put some boundaries in place and started calling her out more frequently on her bad behaviour, which she didn't like. My birthday present was deliberately late (I eventually received something bland and inexpensive) with no expansion or apology, then she made a big song and dance about celebrating her other DIL's birthday a few weeks later.

Now she is asking what I would like. The answer is I don't want anything from them. I'm tired of these 'gifts' and having to be grateful even though I know there are strings attached or it's a snub. What do I do?

So we just have to accept that her reasons for "going low contact" are good ones?

Yes. If she doesn't want to disclose the reasons then we simply have to take her word for it that they're good ones. Her DH has gone low contact too so is obviously in agreement/support with the OP.

OP, my own MIL is an absolute witch and we've been entirely NC for over three years now. I understand what you mean by gifts being used as passive aggressive statements or having strings attached. DH and I have both been on the receiving end of this as part of an overall pattern of behaviour. YANBU to want to refuse gifts with strings attached. I'd either tell her thanks but no thanks "I don't really need anything at the moment and DH has already bought me the gifts I wanted" or ask for something practical such as new slippers/pans/a magazine subscription/amazon voucher.

This is why I worry about becoming a MIL. By MN standards I'd immediately become part of satan's lot.
You sound contrived.

My aunt always asks for bed socks or a hot water bottle. I think it's nice and easy.

Think she's gone low contact with mumsnet. . You've had a ton of responses. Where are you op?

The reasons for going LC are relevant. OP asks if she is unreasonable not to want the gifts.
As we have no idea if the MIL is an evil, possessive witch or whether OP is ridiculously touchy, its impossible to say whether MIL is sending gifts with strings attacked or if OP is attributing motives (to get into my good books to see the baby often etc) which are purely in her own mind.

Suggest she gets you an Oxfam cow.

DeathStare Sun 06-Nov-16 13:33:07

this is my understanding too - that within a generally bad relationship gifts are used in this way

If your MIL is so awful that she is not allowed unsupervised contact with your DC then accepting or not a gift from her seems quite trivial

why don't you ask for a John Lewis voucher and then use it to buy their Christmas presents?

I understand what you mean by gifts being used as passive aggressive statements or having strings attached

Interesting a few of us have said we have direct experience of this within a wider toxic relationshp and yet same posters always gloss over the fact it does happen!

What does "low contact" actually mean? I understand no contact, but to me you're either in contact or you're not.

I just don't get it. NC due to issues of previous abuse or neglect etc, is understandable. Sadly I am in the position myself with family members. They aren't safe enough to be in my DCs lives. But low contact seems like an excuse for everything to be on one person's terms. Surely they're either fit people to be in your lives or they aren't?

Maybe it's to do with "setting boundaries" which I only ever hear on MN. Usually by DILs

Without knowing more about the mother-in-law's behaviour it's impossible to say whether these gifts are manipulative or not. However, giving the OP the benefit of the doubt, I'd ask for vouchers. If you ask for something for the house you could get 'Ooh, I bet it looks lovely in the lounge - perhaps I could come to see?' Clothing and it might be 'Why not go somewhere nice to wear it? I don't mind babysitting...' Vouchers are relatively safe.

2Kids. I imagine, in twenty years from now, there will be a thread about a loathsome MIL and her overuse of commas

I don't see why everyone needs chapter and verse on why the MIL is manipulative - pretty sure the OP and her DH have worked it out for themselves over the years! The presents will just be a symptom rather than a reason.

OP - I agree that a gift voucher would probably be your best suggestion, if indeed you do have to give one. Or maybe you could ask for an Oxfam goat, or similar.

So looking forward to when DS grows up and gets married. Thanks to Mumsnet, I'm prepared to accept that I will never get anything right..,,

This in bucket loads.

You sound very hard work, and almost determined not to like her.

How about suggesting a Unicef Inspired Gift? shop.unicef.org.uk/Shop/Inspired-Gifts.html

There can surely be no strings attached to one of those, she can spend however much she likes and even if she manages to be manipulative with that at least lives can be saved while she's at it. Top gifts!

I can well believe there's a back story here, having had all sorts of passive aggressive gifts from relatives who proved themselves untrustworthy through the years with children, animals and elderly dependent relatives.

There's an old joke that perfectly captures the gift-giving dynamic in my family - mother buys her son 2 shirts for his birthday. The next time she sees him he's proudly wearing one of the shirts she gave him. 'What's the matter,' she says, 'you didn't like the other one?'

I second the advice to simply say you don't want anything, or if really pressed asked for vouchers / charitable donation in your name.

What does "low contact" actually mean? I understand no contact, but to me you're either in contact or you're not.

Low contact, to me, means not actively seeking someone out in order to spend time with them. Not avoiding them as such but letting them be the ones to initiate contact, being polite and friendly but not overly so (e.g., having a civil conversation but not sharing information that could be used against you or gossiped about), not going out of your way to do favours, and so on.

We tried low contact before going no contact. It's often used as a stop-gap while you assess how you feel, can also be used as a way for DC to maintain a relationship with people who don't necessarily have a relationship with their parents (in this case, the in laws).

I think we need more examples of bad behaviour what you've described doesn't sound bad.

I get what you are saying op. You have gone low contact because I expect her behaviour has been toxic, or there about. Her gifts are not from the heart, but a means of her wheedling herself back in. Why then woukd you want gifts from this person, tell her nothing, you don't want any gift.

Low contact presumable is minimum contact, op has distanced herself a bit, because of the 'toxic' behaviour. It would help if you provided examples.

Interesting a few of us have said we have direct experience of this within a wider toxic relationshp and yet same posters always gloss over the fact it does happen!

Some posters think all MILs are kindly older ladies with a crinkly-eyed smile and a heart of gold, ruthlessly shoved out by an unscrupulous DIL hellbent on denying her a relationship with her son and grandchildren

In reality, some MILs are absolutely toxic. For balance, some DILs are too. I could write a novel about my MIL and all the ways in which she is a horrible person. MN is a self-selection sample, the people with nice MILs aren't going to post about their MIL pissing them off as often as the people with awful MILs will. And MILs get posted about more often than DILs due to the age demographic of MN. Yes, there are people here with older children and grandchildren of their own but the majority of users will be in an age group where they are more likely to be a DIL than a MIL.

Yes, what about one of those 12 fruit trees in Vietnam gifts?

Of course the presents aren't what the op is low contact for
My mil is a bitch, I no longer accept presents or money from her because we hate each other.

My mil isn't a bitch because she is my mil, she's just a horrible, nasty person whose own siblings won't speak to anymore.

Oh my goodness this thread!

Imagine a poster posts in Relationships to say she is an unhappy marriage because her husband treats her quite badly. She says he has form for using the buying of gifts to try to manipulate her. She asks what to say when he next asks what she wants as she wants nothing.

How many posters would say -
Oh without knowing what he's done i can't tell if he treats you badly,
or
Oh i'm dreading getting married if this is what it's like,
or
a poor man just tries to buy his wife a present and he gets treated like this,
or even
You're being an ungrateful cow!!!