AIBU to insist that ds loses no more break times

[OnLikeDonkeyKong]

I'll try and keep this fairly short. Ds y6 has lost 2 break times today because a parent has made a complaint against him. Her ds said my ds has asked another student to ask him something rather rude and head teacher has said ds has lost all breaks until she believes he can behave. I am furious that it's all very he said, she said and that ds hasn't been believed at all but the other child who could have made the whole thing up ( they don't get on) doesn't seem to have been questioned, just believed straight away.
My AIBU is would it be wrong of me to write to the head and say ds will not be losing anymore of his breaks and that I consider the matter closed. There is no proof and someone must be lying, whether that be ds or the other child I don't see how ds can be punished on the word of one person!

Has your ds been in trouble before? Do you believe he is telling the truth? How rude a thing is he supposed to have asked?

Well you can bring it up with the Head, but I'm not sure you can simply say 'this will not happen because I say so'. She's in charge in school hours, not you! Maybe the Head has other evidence that the parent's complaint was accurate? Otherwise I doubt she would be punishing your ds tbh.

It seems like there might be known behavioural problems that you haven't been told about. I'd schedule a meeting if I were you and find out what's really going on.

YABU. It's not your place to question losing break time as a punishment at school. That's for the class teacher to decide.

He is supposed to have sent a friend over to the other child to ask if he wanted to do sex with him.
I really do believe ds. He is always in trouble and I am usually very supportive of any punishments he is given but he usually admits he's at fault however unfair he thinks his punishment is. The child who is supposed to have been the messenger was questioned about it without ds present but with the other child there so we don't know what has been said by him although I can't help but feel ds will be given the blame for most things. It usually ends up being his fault regardless and while I agree on the whole that he should be in trouble for certain thins I don't feel there is any way that there will be any proof as to who is telling the truth here so it should be dropped

If it had happened the other way around ie your DS had been wronged and the Mum said the punishment could not take place would you support that Mum and the HT?

And FWIW, he's still getting a break, just not with the rest of the children.

When?

The OP has a perfect right to question what is going on, because either her DS hasn't been believed when he has told the truth, or it is the truth and she needs to deal with it.

If you're this bothered about it, arrange a meeting with the class teacher and Head and raise your concerns, but don't dictate to them about break times.

But my complaint is what if ds hasn't done it!! What if the child has made it up? Surely the mother believes her child just as I believe mine. I am just sick of everything come back on ds and others getting away with it. He is never usually this insistent that he's done nothing wrong and I'm the first to admit he is the first suspect because of his bad behaviour but I will not see him punished for something he potentially didn't do! Otherwise he could make up a similar story about the other child. I'm sure if he did he wouldn't be believed..,

If you're worried then you really should go and speak to the teacher but make it a conversation and listen to what they're saying. Don't go in and demand that your DS doesn't miss any more breaks.

I work full time ( in a school funnily enough) so do not have free time to meet with teachers. I am unavailable during work hours and have no one to look after my dc to have a meeting after school.

Take DC with you. They can wait outside the classroom for the meeting, as it should only take a few minutes.

You can write what you like to the head but unless you can prove your child isn't lying the head will most likely tell you to suck it up or leave, which he is perfectly entitled to do and you are then perfectly entitled to withdraw your child.

And fwiw it sounds like he probably did say it but because it's sexual in nature rather than 'normal' naughtiness now he's trying to cover it up - said from experience of working with hormonal year 6s.

But why can't I say I expect the matter to be closed? There is no proof ds did anything wrong! And as for the go between, he hasn't been punished at all! Surely he should have the sense to not pass on the message if he knows it's wrong? I personally don't think any one can be punished as like I said, there's no proof but I do get so very annoyed that ds is always the one on the receiving end and no one else seems to be

You know what, if his behaviour is generally pretty poor this could be an opportunity to have a serious chat with him. If he behaves badly then he will get blamed for things, he's built up a reputation and he needs to take some responsibility for that. I'm not saying he should always be the fall guy and nobody should ever believe him but if 9 times out of 10 he is at fault then this is a consequence of his behaviour.

The trouble is long is that he's had this reputation for a good few years now. I am convinced he has some extra needs but the school are totally unsupportive of this every time I bring it up. I am not saying this to disguise his behaviour, as I've said, I've always supported the school and we've discussed lots of times about his reputation and how he needs to work harder than anyone else because of it.

What makes you think he has extra needs?

You can't say you consider the matter closed because the Head clearly consider the matter wide open and is in charge of the school.

There should be a limit to the punishment it cannot be open ended like that even if he IS guilty

I must have outed myself by now so here goes. There are so many things. He has always been hyperactive. He's 10 and has never slept through the night, due to massive anxiety. He believes everything you tell him so if I say it's raining cats and dogs he'll look for them falling out of the sky ( he doesn't do this now because I've explained it so many times to him), he has tics and stims including flapping arms and a newly developed blink that drives him crazy but he says he feels like he has to do these tics and if he tries to stop himself he feels dizzy like he's going to explode. There are so many including the most recent which is pulling his hair out. We have a docs appointment next week so I will be bringing in evidence again but I'm just so unsupported. I've done CAF forms, I've done a parenting course, I've had family links round and we've even been referred to CAMHS for assessment but they gave him cbt to combat the anxiety which hasn't really helped. His dad has also been diagnosed with dyspraxia too just to add further evidence.

What would you consider to be 'proof'?
The children said it happened. What more do you want?
You don't actually want 'proof' because the only person you believe at all is your DS who the school clearly doesn't trust.
You don't want proof, your AIBU wasn't 'AIBU to think this should have been better investigated', it was 'AIBU to tell the school they are to reverse their punishment and dismiss this allegation because I say so'.
You think it's so bad that you can dictate to the school but won't speak in person. That suggests you don't want to speak in person, because if you did want to - to get to the bottom of it, to discuss the school's procedures, etc - you'd manage to make that happen.
Your DS probably did think the comments were cheeky and he just wanted to irritate or harass a girl he didn't like. Don't minimise this, OP. Loving your DS might mean not blindly taking his side, but being more objective about it and working with the school to make sure all the children know sexual harassment is unacceptable.
YABU.

I'm not sure I understand why you cannot "meet with teachers" - as another poster has suggested, take ds with you, either present in the meeting or outside. Many teachers will be used to seeing kids they teach and siblings, waiting outside during a parent meeting.
Honestly, if you saw some of the things that are received/sent/discussed from Year 6, you would see why the school has to take this so seriously. It's a difficult one as you want to believe your ds who may very well be telling the truth but also have to realise that the school has to record and deal with any comments and behaviour.
It would be good to address why your son's behaviour isn't always great rather than rallying against the school. Please work with the school to support him before his transition to secondary school before dictating terms in terms of him not being given a sanction. On another thread, someone suggested a behaviour book which sounds like a good idea and realistic rewards?
I don't think it's fair either, when one child is blamed- if this is the case with your son, this can probably be approached in a balanced way with his class teacher.