AIBU to insist that ds loses no more break times

[OnLikeDonkeyKong]

I'll try and keep this fairly short. Ds y6 has lost 2 break times today because a parent has made a complaint against him. Her ds said my ds has asked another student to ask him something rather rude and head teacher has said ds has lost all breaks until she believes he can behave. I am furious that it's all very he said, she said and that ds hasn't been believed at all but the other child who could have made the whole thing up ( they don't get on) doesn't seem to have been questioned, just believed straight away.
My AIBU is would it be wrong of me to write to the head and say ds will not be losing anymore of his breaks and that I consider the matter closed. There is no proof and someone must be lying, whether that be ds or the other child I don't see how ds can be punished on the word of one person!

Can you see a different GP? What do the school say about your observations?
The issue here is that the punishment seems open ended. A child does something wrong. There's a consequence. It's over. New start and a chance to have a good day. Jeez if you tell most kids they wouldn't have break until they stopped misbehaving they'd be 27 before the next one.

OP, with respect, if your DS came home and said that the other child had done this to him you would be RAGING and insisting that missing a couple of breaks was not enough. You would also continue to believe your son if the other boy said he didn't do it. You need to be more objective here and get some perspective

Ah, I'm sorry Kong. It sounds like a far more complicated situation than just a kid playing up at school. Have you tried the special needs board on here for advice? It sounds like your boy isn't getting the support he needs.

Can I ask Laurenandsophie that you read my posts? I have not said anywhere that ds has spoken and possibly sexually harassed a girl. I have also not said that CHILDREN have accused him of doing it. It is one child's word against another with the complication of a go between who may have confirmed either child's statement. I am angry that my child hasn't been given the opportunity to be believed and I think being the only child punished then it should end there. Loving my child doesn't mean it has to be unfair

Sorry that sounds a bit harsh. Obviously you know your son best, but you can't always second guess things that happen in school when you aren't there because you choose to believe your DS version.

Just seen your other post after I had written mine - definitely the need for more support and I would try to get to the bottom of it- best of luck.

Wolfe. I nearly got somewhere with the gp being referred back to CAMHS but had to provide a letter from school which said whilst his behaviour was less than desirable the school deal with him effectively. I am hoping that with the evidence of him pulling his hair out that he can be referred on that.

I take in board the comments regarding taking ds into school. I will in fact make an appointment but will also write my letter as I don't want to miss the opportunity to be heard.

Yes I saw your follow ups after I wrote my post also. It helps to get info like that in the OP as it puts a different slant on things.

The 'opportunity to be believed'? That doesn't mean a lot. If the Head doesn't believe your DS, you may want to ask yourself why that is.

Yes sorry to drop feed. I didn't really think it was relevant to this matter but I'm obviously wrong

Trifle. Surely both children have the opportunity to be believed and I'm sure as parents we both believe our children. However, how can an impartial person believe one over the other? Yes it's a serious accusation but it doesn't mean it's true!! I believe a head that is fair will approach it with a level head and listen to both sides regardless of the reputation of the students involved. For all I know this other student could have a similar rep to ds!

Even murderers etc are not allowed to be punished without an indication on when the punishment will end.

regardless of whether he did it or not, you can't give a child a punishment with no end - that's cruel.

The school don't sound like they are actually dealing with him effectively. Sounds like they want to claim they are as an arse covering exercise.
Of course bad behaviour needs to be dealt with. But it should be a clear and impartial set of consequences. Not you don't get break until you can behave.
The issue of school not believing him is tricky though. It's not a court of law. They don't need umpteen witnesses and CCTV.

Even if the other kids did make it up, Long is right. Your DS has a reputation for being troublesome & so he will get the blame. He really needs to behave better, or you need to push your doctors/school harder to give him more support. Not meeting with teachers (and making flimsy excuses for it) won't improve anything for him.

Also, I have severe dyslexia, dyspraxia, and ADD, and struggled for a long time to hit my stride at school. I never asked another student to have sex with me though, that's serious. And it must be parented effectively if you don't want your son to get an even worse reputation.

Rather than go in making demands, you need to ask what actually happened.

There is no such thing as 'the opportunity to be believed' - it is a meaningless statement. If you have information from two individuals which is directly contradictory, you as the 'judge' in that situation can't believe both of them. The Head cannot just let this go, it's too serious, so he has to decide who to believe. I would certainly want to know why he didn't believe my child, but I wouldn't say out of hand that he should - your DS may have lied in the past or done similar things that suggest he isn't telling the truth now. You need to get to the bottom of why the Head doesn't believe him rather than making demands.

I work full time ( in a school funnily enough) so do not have free time to meet with teachers. I am unavailable during work hours and have no one to look after my dc to have a meeting after school.

These is actually quite a serious allegation. Many of the staff who have worked with my kids, over the years, are parents and have found time to visit their own children's schools when there has been a serious problem of some sort. THIS is a serious problem - either your DS has done something awful, or other children have got him tied up in something awful. You can not play the "I haven't got time for this" card, either way."

From a legal perspective parents have no right to refuse that their child does a detention, so you cannot insist that the detentions stop.

What you can do is express your concern that there's no defined endpoint to the sanction so your DS has nothing to work towards, that you're still not clear that the incident actually happened as your DS usually owns up to poor behaviour and ask for a discussion as to the way forward with clear actions and targets. If your DS doesn't get on with this child then can seating plans be changed/groups fixed so that they don't work together, and an agreement with your DS that they don't interact at playtime?

You don't need to organise childcare, just give your DS a book/tablet and leave him outside the meeting,

Yes pick. I have said upthread that I will go in and take my dc with me.

As for the head being a judge. Do judges really pass sentence on something that has no proof either way? Both children could have the same reputation.

If the school can't support you and you feel he has additional needs that aren't being met can you afford to get him privately assessed? It would give you some more insight and may encourage the GP to refer you for an NHS assessment. The Knowledgeable folks on the SEN boards will be able to help you work out how to best support your son. But you need to go in and speak to the teacher about it.

Well your son has his bad reputation going against him and it is probably a good idea to point out to him the consequences of having such a reputation, but he also has, on the plus side, that he is honest, which is also really important, and you should also point out to him how because you know him to be honest you are willing to stick your neck out for him.

You might want to explain this aspect of your son's character to the head.

I wouldn't be happy. The school has no proof that he said anything.

Before my son Dx and when his speech wasn't understood he got blamed for biting another child, when in fact he wasn't in school that day as he was unwell.

FWIW OP, my DS has done/said similar and has ASD. The problem for him was he'd repeat thing said to him in the playground but because he has poor social skills, lacked the filter the other kids had that meant they knew nor to bring it into class, so unfortunately he whispered stuff in class and was immediately told on. I've supported the school in their punishments, but also made it quite clear where he had learnt these things and who from (and it's always the same names).

He is year 5 now and got himself in so much trouble with this at the end of last term he has really behaved himself so far this term. I think emotional maturity and social skills comes into it. A lot.

Thinking back to my own school days, it wasn't so different. I remember these conversations whispered behind the wall/bushes about who was going to 'do sex' with who, singing dirty songs that made no sense, learning at DS age what wankers, prostitutes, rent boys, gays and lesbians were etc. But we all knew to keep it to the playground, or where adults couldn't hear us. I comfort myself by knowing that they're all at it, but the other kids are way more savvy than DS and DS now knows the best approach is just to not say anything. I've told him he can laugh if something is said in a group, but not to repeat anything or add to the discussion.

Support them in the sanction, but ask them to put a time frame on it. Then speak with him and explain you are supporting school because if he did do this he has been very, very inappropriate, making it clear you will not tolerate this. If you find out later that he has lied to you (as DS did with me) to try and cover himself, then you will need to take appropriate action for the lies. I punish strongly for lying and I think that, in combination with school's punishment is what has improved DS behaviour in the past 6 months. When there was irrefutable evidence (he caught himself out) he suddenly had no one on his side and it was only then that he got the message.

Do judges really pass sentence on something that has no proof either way?

Judges do take in to account a persons character and since this is clearly what has been done with your DS who has a reputation for being a troublemaker I can 100% understand why your son is being punished. Its true he should have a set punishment and not one so open ended, however is there something he is doing during this punishment that has lead the head to believe he has not learned his lesson?

My old head teacher would ask us at the end of a detention etc if we were sorry and if we did not apologise wholeheartedly he gave us another detention and another. Maybe he is acting up or something during the breaks he has alone or inside of class about the situation which is showing he has yet to learn what he's done wrong?

I suspect that rather than tackling the 've said, he said' immediate issue you need to arrange a meeting somehow with the head and inclusion to deal with the bigger picture. If you suspect autism then go in and say it. Ask them to support a referral. If he's always in trouble, why? What happens? What behaviours get him in trouble?
We had a problem with school refusing to see the bigger picture until it was spelt out for them.
Punishing a child for behaviours that can't be helped is stupid. They need help not punishment.
Could you move him to a different school? We did and it's been a revelation.