How much would you judge this family at the playground?

[RedStripeLass]

Sunday afternoon. Family of three, Mum, Dad and daughter aged 3 arrive at a small, quiet playground. Within seconds she drops her banana and starts shouting loudly "fucks sake, fucking hell" etc .

Then she goes to get on the roundabout and a younger child about 1-2 ish tries to get on to. She screams and pushes him off saying "no babies" he starts crying and her mum apologises profusely, very embarrassed and tells her dd to apologise too.

Mum and daughter then go on to play happily in the playground whilst dad hangs back on the grass with a beer and a joint. Mum tries occasionally to get him to join in their games.

I'm ashamed to say this a snapshot of me and my family. After starting a thread elsewhere I've become increasingly worried about our family and am gearing up the courage to talk with our health visitor today but I'm very afraid that she'll escalate it.

Honest opinions please, would you judge us if you were at the playground that day?

Red I'm curious what you'll do if the hv recommended dh move out for a while? You were adamant on your other thread you wouldn't leave him.
I'm not having a go, I feel for your situation, but its only getting worse isn't it?

He is the one in the wrong here. I would judge the fuck out of him.

I would be unsure about you but I would hope that you could get help if you needed it.

Please talk to your hv and tell them everything. You need to get your child away from this man. Get whatever help you need to do it. If he's openly smoking pot and drinking in the middle of the day outside then I am actually terrified about what the hell he is doing inside.

This doesn't have to be your life.

Alexa - why not? See it round my way all the time - though my response to the smell is I want to ask for some!!

the thing about the swearing being a mirror, and swearing over something so minor, is exactly what makes me picture a child being brought up in some mad melodramatic home. I realise you can have one of those without swearing but combined with drinking while looking after your kid...

I wouldn't be cheering the mum - I would be judging her for prioritising her relationship with mr druggy over what's best for her small child. No matter how effusive the performance parenting.

He works full time in a physically and mentally demanding job which btw swearing is very much the norm in. He doesn't realise how much he swears non aggressively as part of normal conversation. He knows I'm not happy with that and do pick him up in it as he doesn't realise half the time.

If the hv recommended he moved out I really don't know what I'd do right now. I know, given the contents of this 'snapshot' thread I sound a bit pathetic but I do love him and he has been a much more engaged parent till this difficult year.

To anyone that's concerned with dd pushing, she has never seen, nor been on the recieving end of any aggression. He just doesn't get aggressive ever and nor do I.

Red it doesn't mattter what other people think and whether they judge you. You know this isn't right and you sound unhappy.

What would you like to happen?

redstripe I've just seen your other thread and just feel so sad for your dd and you. Your dh sounds an absolute mess if I'm honest. He wouldn't even be capable of looking after your daughter alone would he really? What would happen to your daughter if you were seriously ill and couldn't look after her. I think you need to leave him to force him to sort himself out, you are enabling his addiction by staying and not putting your daughters best interests first, he's no use to her at all the way he is currently.

That's it exactly Red you're unhappy, and you know dds suffering because of it, you do know that don't you? She's going without, you both are, so how much suffering is enough?
I'm rooting for you to find the strength to change this for both of you, because he isn't going to is he? Whatever you go without, and however unhappy it makes you, he's said, he's not stopping.
What exactly does that tell you?

If you had to make a choice between your daughter and your partner, who would you choose? Not deliberately being goady but that's what it may come down to...

Of course you love him, but that's not a big enough sticking plaster, is it?

I wouldn't judge the swearing, little children are very adept at picking up swear words and DD has been known to swear, and you corrected her which is the most important factor. Same with the pushing, 3 year olds do that, you corrected her, I'd think well done mum.

The dad smoking a joint though - I'd judge that a lot. I'm not really against cannabis (personally hate the stuff but realise for some people it can be used reasonably, but on the other hand some people fuck themselves up with it like my ex - who is also DD's dad, guess who doesn't get unsupervised visitation?!) but smoking it in a public place around children is unbelievably stupid and irresponsible and I'd consider going up to him and telling him to put it out or fuck off.

It's very different for you. You have 'good' years to remember and compare and contrast. You are choosing to focus on the good years to a certain extent too, rather than look at the reality of the present.

This 'difficult' year of his amounts to a third of your DD's life and counting.

I think it tells me he can't see himself and his vices as a real problem, not necessarily that he values those things over us.

When he's well (in every sence of the word) he's a loving father and husband.

I would choose my daughter. I can't believe your even asking that!

This 'difficult' year of his amounts to a third of your DD's life and counting.

And the young years count for a lot - and can influence your DD's future life in very powerful ways. It's so so so important that a child grows up in a warm, loving, safe and happy home. It's not too late.

So when you say .... I can't afford to get dd a coat because you've spunked the money on weed and beer, how does he avoid seeing the problem?

Cannabis has never been my thing, mainly because I have terrible asthma but like many of you I don't mind other people smoking it. I think because he's always been a daily pot smoker it has become very normalised for me.

Alex if you really can't believe it, you've led a blissfully sheltered life.

I would choose my daughter. I can't believe your even asking that!

But do you always put her needs above his?

I've worried about either hurting his feeling or him getting moody so I haven't been that direct with him. Also, he has the gift of the gab and would somehow make me feel like I was being over dramatic.

He is spending all his money on drugs and alcohol. There is no way of knowing what is down to cannabis and alcohol or depression until he stops taking the substances. If you put her first you would separate from him until he sorts himself out. Your daughter deserves a stable household where she comes first. At the moment your husband's cannabis comes first, that's why you couldn't afford to buy her a coat.

I'm going against the vast majority and saying yes, I would judge you and your partner. I'd be furious if my child was exposed to him boozing and smoking a joint in a kiddies park. I also would wonder what the hell was wrong with you that you thought it was ok for your daughter to live with that. The swearing and pushing, not so much a problem on their own, but all of this combined doesn't paint a pretty picture does it?

You are the only person with any power or will to change things for the better, Red

I read your other thread as directed on here- which one of these versions is the truth? the really nice family day that means you don't want to give up on him or the one on this thread? Get some help for yourselves, he's big enough and ugly enough to do it for himself. Stop minimising, your responsibility is to your kid and yourself, if, as an upshot of this he manages to sort himself out you've done all of you a favour, if not then at least you took your little girl from there.

RedStripeLass Mon 24-Oct-16 22:28:16
I am concerned about all three of us. I've always been used to considering his feelings as a priority as he's very sensitive.

He was working all Saturday but on Sunday we had a lovely family day. He looked after dd for a couple of hours in the morning so I could go back to bed. He started drinking and smoking pot from midday but slowly. We all went to dd's favourite playground and had a laugh playing on all the equipment whilst DP watched us. He was still ok enough to cook us a lovely roast! We listened to music, danced. It was a nice family centred Sunday and I didn't want to ruin it by having yet another 'deep talk' about how bad things have got.

Your dd is starting school soon. I don't think child who swears constantly will be accepted warmly by fellow parents as their children's close friend.
Also there will be a chance that you encounter your dd's classmates at local parks.
I hope you sort it out soon.

I would have been appalled by a child swearing and the family acting as if this was not a problem. A father drinking and smoking a joint near us at the playwark? I would have felt uncomfortable and a little frightened and left.