How much would you judge this family at the playground?

[RedStripeLass]

Sunday afternoon. Family of three, Mum, Dad and daughter aged 3 arrive at a small, quiet playground. Within seconds she drops her banana and starts shouting loudly "fucks sake, fucking hell" etc .

Then she goes to get on the roundabout and a younger child about 1-2 ish tries to get on to. She screams and pushes him off saying "no babies" he starts crying and her mum apologises profusely, very embarrassed and tells her dd to apologise too.

Mum and daughter then go on to play happily in the playground whilst dad hangs back on the grass with a beer and a joint. Mum tries occasionally to get him to join in their games.

I'm ashamed to say this a snapshot of me and my family. After starting a thread elsewhere I've become increasingly worried about our family and am gearing up the courage to talk with our health visitor today but I'm very afraid that she'll escalate it.

Honest opinions please, would you judge us if you were at the playground that day?

The second quote Hodd sounds like a mum desperate to convince herself that all is well, when the reality is far from it.

Sticking plasters don't last forever, unfortunately. Pretending that all is well and not confronting issues because you're scared about the fallout is no way to live..

I think you should listen to the advice from the health visitor.

Swearing isn't ideal, but it happens. Drugs and alcohol like that in front of kids is not ok.

I saw it as a nice family day until other people pointed out it wasn't. He did still go on to cook a lovely meal and we had a fun day. There was a grain of resentment from me at the playground as I wanted him to join in more but the day was in all very pleasant.

Dear OP I've read your previous thread and this one and I think you know something is seriously wrong and it's up to you to change it. Your DH will just carry on like this otherwise (he's even said he's no intention of giving up the weed). I would say he is an addict.

As your DD grows up she will realise more and more that something isn't right at home. This will have a negative effect on her, especially if it means she is missing out on positive family times because her father is either drunk or stoned the whole time.

Are you worried her pushing and swearing are symptoms of what's going on? All 3 years olds have off days where they don't behave well, but if her behaviour has changed overall for the worse and/or is getting worse, then yes I'd be concerned.

Just for the record I wouldn't judge smoking the occasional joint (not in front of children though) or having a beer or other alcohol but your DH has crossed the line from recreational into addiction.

I dont think I would judge you as I haven't walked a mile in your shoes. Its not so easy to be in a relationship with a depressed addict. He is being intolerably selfish though, as addicts are and he needs a wake up call . Ultimatum time I think after reading your other thread. Also, if I were you I would start attending Al-Anon and get some support as you cannot change his behavior but you can change yours and the choices you make. I would start by putting some very firm boundaries in place as his behaviour will be affecting your daughter. I speak as the adult child of an addict. Remember, her father is her blueprint for future relationships and she will either get very embarrassed by his conduct as she gets older or pick someone just like him. He needs to know that his behaviour in the park was totally unacceptable and can never happen again. The swearing- Meh! Kids pick things up and I would never judge you for that or your child pushing- normal if properly challenged. Good luck , I am sure you are going through a very hard time and need sympathetic support. I hope your HV points you in the right direction.

Right, so you wont even say to him that she's without a coat in fucking November, in case you make him sad?!

I'm out Red you're all she's got, get a fucking grip.

If that is a description of one of the pleasant family-centred days for you, do you think you would be up to describing a 'bad' day for you as a family?

That's not the case! She's got a warm winter coat. The one she had was decent but a bit to small then a friend gave me her spare. I would not let her go without.

I grew up with my mother trying to pretend that all was well whilst she made excuses for and paid for my addict father to 'self-medicate'.

I am damaged by this - I was deprived of feeling like I had a stable, safe home where I knew what was going on. I was even deprived of my own senses and memories.

One incident which sticks out for me - seeing my father take a swig of vodka from the cupboard under the sink. I tell him "mum said you're not allowed to drink when you're looking after us" (my sister was there too). He told me that I hadn't seen him drink anything. I said "yes I did", he said "no you didn't" and told me to get to my room for lying.

By the way - it was my sister who remembers witnessing this, not me - I seem to have blanked it out but I have major issues with trust, confidence and anxiety sometimes.

I can't emphasis enough how important it is for children to have a STABLE and safe home life. It's more important than a mother staying with a father 'because she loves him.'

red that wouldn't be a nice day by most people's standards. He's worn you down into thinking this is ok, it's not.
The fact that you are more upset about upsetting him than your daughter having a coat is really really bad, can you not see that?

Red it sounds as though things are tough at the moment and perhaps you've both slipped a bit. What leaps out though is that you have recognised that the circumstances are less than ideal and you have accepted that you need to seek help and vital, remaining self aware and keeping hold of that desire to change will help you to succeed.

None of those events in the park isolation necessarily spark concerns apart from the drug use really. Swearing isn't great but she's little and she will learn appropriate language use. Pushing is pretty standard for her age. As for the beer well please report me to social services as my friend and I have on occasion sat and quaffed gin and tonic on sunny afternoons while our children play in the park.

The concern comes from things like you saying your partner is depressed,it suggests that his depression is affecting the family and you need family support. That's not a huge negative, depression sucks and it affects family life, it is so hard for the other partner to shield the family from its effects. The concern comes because you are concerned. There is some great input to be had, please don't be afraid to pick up the phone and ask for it.

I'd talk to you HV and get help, drug use around children is not acceptable. I'd judge the dad, not you, I think I'd feel sorry for you and understand that 3yo's can be a nightmare. Hope you and family are doing better.

But if your friend wasn't able to give you an old coat what would you do? What's going to happen if he's spent all the money on weed and you have no money for shoes/ Christmas presents/ food/ school uniform? At what point will be it enough. As others have said, what you describe isn't a nice day for most. Him being ok enough to cook is really sad.

bastard genuine thankyou for your advice. I'm aware I sound like a fucking weak idiot but I really do care for dd more than him by a long shot. The coat thing, I think got out of hand because it conjures up such a sad image but I really would never let her be without one.

Red your partner is an adult, he can look after himself, put your dd first, every decision you make, dd has to be at the front of it, not him. Sorry, he sounds awful, and your trying to minimise or sweep it under the carpet and pretend everything is ok, when its not. Your extremely young dd reaction to dropping a banana, and what came out of her mouth, was shocking, if it did not shock you, than nothing will. This is what she is witnessing every day. It will get worse, mabey when she starts school and starts displaying concerning behaviour, and its referred to Safeguarding, because that could happen, mabey you will protect her and start putting her first. Your reactions to this and his behaviour I would definitely judge, as you are the adult and have the power to change.

yes I would sorry!
Him. And had I known it was a joint I probably would have called the police to inform them also.
You? initially because you have allowed him to do this also.

You have drugs in your house around a child.
Shame!
Good Luck growing a pair!

red you're minimising and I'm not sure if it's because this all seems so normal for you or because you feel guilty but I think I'm going to have to hide this thread as it's incredibly frustrating.

YYYY NerrSnerr totally agree.

nerrsnerr I would have found a way. We both work hard so there is an income coming in. Sadly in order to pay bills and rent we have to very carefully budget but that does not mean she doesn't get clothes and toys etc. It means they are alway second hand or occasionally primark which is fine. She doesn't look scruffy or unkempt at all.

I think the problem with the winter coat situation is not that she doesn't have a winter coat now - second hand is fine BUT that your DH wouldn't reduce his drug spending for just a few days in order to buy her something that she needs.

The coat thing, I think got out of hand because it conjures up such a sad image but I really would never let her be without one.

Red, I know why you think this, but it really didn't. Yes, I know you would never have let her go around shivering. You would have starved yourself, or put it on a credit card, or missed a bill, or begged one - whatever it took. We get that.

The fact that a friend was able to give you a coat really doesn't change the fundamentals here. And the fundamentals are that your H considers buying your child a coat that fits to be 'wasting money' whereas the huge amount of money he is spunking on his addictions is not to be questioned, ever.

The point is that he would have let her go cold before he stopped buying weed. Don't kid yourself. He would.

You really are ridiculous.
People like you are often worse than those with addictions as you are not in that situation yourself yet still cannot safeguard your child. Because you are too cowardly to do the right thing.
Im out to, perhaps the HV shouldnt waste her time advising people who wont do what they know they need to already and concentrate on those who are dedicated and commited to being the best parents they can be

You have to carefully budget because your DH spends £70 a week on weed.

Yes sitting around, anyone would have to budget carefully with a habit like that. But op is happy for her and her kid to have the crumbs this fuckwit throws them.

I'm sorry OP but I really feel sorry for your daughter. You are really minimising the effects of your husband's actions on your child. The swearing after dropping a banana suggests that she is already struggling. Can you honestly say that you and your husband are doing your best as parents and your daughter isn't missing out because of where your money is going? One day she will realise that you are putting his needs before hers. Children are not stupid.