How much would you judge this family at the playground?

[RedStripeLass]

Sunday afternoon. Family of three, Mum, Dad and daughter aged 3 arrive at a small, quiet playground. Within seconds she drops her banana and starts shouting loudly "fucks sake, fucking hell" etc .

Then she goes to get on the roundabout and a younger child about 1-2 ish tries to get on to. She screams and pushes him off saying "no babies" he starts crying and her mum apologises profusely, very embarrassed and tells her dd to apologise too.

Mum and daughter then go on to play happily in the playground whilst dad hangs back on the grass with a beer and a joint. Mum tries occasionally to get him to join in their games.

I'm ashamed to say this a snapshot of me and my family. After starting a thread elsewhere I've become increasingly worried about our family and am gearing up the courage to talk with our health visitor today but I'm very afraid that she'll escalate it.

Honest opinions please, would you judge us if you were at the playground that day?

And yet half of MN were cheering on a poster on another thread who wanted to drink a bottle of wine in the park, while she was with her children one afternoon. It was clear she had problems with alcohol yet so many people were saying it was a great idea.

I wouldn't judge the child's behaviour, pushing and "no babies" is just something 3 year olds sometimes do and the fact she was told that wasn't nice and made to apologise - well that's all you can do really. The swearing - I'm a swearer as well and honestly I find it hilarious when I hear very young children having a swear so I wouldn't judge, I'd laugh. The beer and joint in the middle of the day in a public park combined with not interacting with the child I would judge tbh. Does he have a job? What the fuck is he contributing as a father? Why can't he get through a day without drugs and alcohol, at least in public! I'd think he was a waste of space at best tbh. Sorry for the brutal honestly but that's what you asked for. I think it's great you're going to ask for help. The problem is that your dp is going to have to make some changes and if he doesn't then you'll have some tough decisions to make like telling him to get lost.

I'm another parent that would move my child away. The swearing, drinking and drugs would surprise me.

I dont feel sorry for the mum at all, sorry. She is enabling her child to grow up in an inadequate environment. She has herself admitted this is what it is.

Smoking a joint in the park may just be the tip of the iceberg, like I mentioned earlier, people with all three elements of the toxic trio in play can start doing this and end up becoming extremely dangerous very quickly.

Im sure most of us when we see the news when kids have died at the hands of their parents have judged the other parent for allowing it to happen (which is also a detainable offence). This is OP's chance to stop this NOW and change the direction her childs life will go.

I would have left the park. Yes I judge people that smoke that crap and I would judge even more if it was smoked in a Childs playground, disgusting! And the beer too, not acceptable.
Swearing yes I would judge, utterly disgusting to come out of a three year olds mouth.
Maybe I'm too judgey but hey ho that's how I feel.

I'd feel sorry for the child. I too am not anti drugs and enjoy a spliff myself sometimes.
It's done when dc are in bed, outside. As for drinking and smoking in the park when you should be parenting, well, he doesn't deserve a child or nice wife.
I would feel sorry for you and wonder why you are with such a man, I'd question if your confidence and self esteem were low.
I may judge you if I knew you, and as a pp said, if I knew your dd was going without things for his lifestyle.
You have a choice your poor dd doesn't. I hope the hv does escalate things for your dd sake. Do the decent thing OP.

i would judge a family where the mum was drinking a bottle of wine in the park too (even if she was dressed in Boden and pushing a bugaboo) but then by all accounts I'm a bit of a square when it comes to alchohol!

Gotta say, Red, as someone who has been reading throughout your other thread and knows you are trying, your report of your daughter's response to dropping a banana adds a further wrinkle to this situation. It's a lot of language, and anger, for a child to be displaying at dropping something and suggests that she either is dealing with a lot of anger herself, or copying your H's response to similar. I swear, and I'm working on training myself out of it before my toddler starts up with similar - I'm no saint. But the normal response to dropping something in my house is "whoops!"

leopardgecko My DS has special needs too and honestly reading the posts on this thread didn't remind me of my situation with being judged. Your son having tourettes is totally different from DS situation and if people judge well screw them. I wouldn't tolerate drugs around my child- don't care about your background to be honest. Also..the judging, I get what you mean by staying at home incase you get judged in public etc. I have learnt that I will not allow people's opinions of DS and I stop me from doing the things that I want to do in our lives.

Be prepared for your hv to escalate it.
Yes I would judge you and I would leave as with the previous poster mentioned there is a hell of a difference between a drink at a picnic on a sunny day and cans of beer/ wine out of a plastic cup in a kids park in autumn. The weed I would judge anyway as I hate the smell of the stuff and its illegal.

MissHooliesCardigan Really? Just cause loads of people smoke weed, doesn't make it right, but wouldn't give a damn if they do. You can get very addicted to weed, I hate it when people sprout the rubbish that weed ain't addictive and so forth. The effect on weed on DS dad was ridiculous, bad mood swings ( doesn't help the fact if you are an abusive person), paranoia, un-motivation. I also had a friend who was ADDICTED to weed, it was like her body would itch if she didn't have a spliff, she was deeply unmotivated and for that reason she failed her degree, it was like she was two different people...she would be so high, happy, smiley and chatty then one minute she would be down, depressed, sad, crying (for no apparent reason), it seemed to of really affected her.

I think your dp should go to the gp and ask for support.

You should not allow him in the playground with weed and beer. Tell him to go away, it's not appropriate.

No real help but it's took courage to own up to this and for that you should be applauded.

Now do something to change the situation

I'm glad to hear you're doing something about your situation.

Don't kid yourself that your DD isn't aware of his box of stuff. My friend recently found out that her two DSs have known about her DH's box and what's in it for years.

Yes it is hard not to judge that situation, especially the dad with alcohol and drugs, in a child's playground,!!!!!, and his unacceptable behaviour towards his family. You know you need to LTB, your lovely little family would be so much happier without him. Contact Woman's Aid.

In this specific case, it has escalated into the H being stoned or hungover all day, every day, being completely nonfunctional as a parent and partner, and spending hundreds of pounds a month on weed, skunk, and alcohol while his wife scrambles to pay the bills and can't afford clothes for their daughter

^^^ This....the amount of money they spend on weed! I totally forgot! My friend was spending about £60.00 every other day and may even buy some later..she really struggled with her finances. I don't know how much DS dad spent...but he would refuse to buy DS thing (probably because of his drug habits).

Yes I would think that the little girl had learned her language from that god awful man sitting there smoking drugs and drinking, and acting awful! If he's like that in public, I dread to think how he is like behind closed door.

"dad hangs back on the grass with a beer and a joint."

LTB

He's potentially drunk and stoned - great combination....

I'd 'judge' the 'father' yes.
The Mother I would be silently applauding for her intervening with dd to teach her the right way to behave around others. Many Professionals I know let their children behave appallingly so I'd be cheering you on for this part.
The kid swearing? I don't like it but I wouldn't judge the child.
I would assume, from Mum's responsible behaviour, that it was coming from father.

I think you are being brave to look at this.

I am afraid you are exposing your dd to abuse, this is an abusive situation. If your dd is swearing at 3, given your family situation, I dread to see the impact of this in years to come.

Judging by the OP's other thread, I seriously doubt any of this is going to get through. She originally posted this scenario as an example of happy family life (although didn't mention the swearing or pushing).

Whether the little girl has learnt the language from the man or the woman - neither is good - and it indicates that there is an unhealthy degree of negativity and frustration at home. Children are sponges (and mirrors!) Nothing is without consequence and there's only so long that 1 person can hold everything together before snapping point.

If the mother seeks help from the HV or SS and demonstrates nothing less than a "I want him out of my home and supervised access only" attitude, her child could be removed and placed into foster care.

Been there, seen it happen.

The dd reaction to dropping a banana, seems to be a mirror of what she sees in the home, very worrying. The anger and negativity that she witnesses every day must be a lot.

I'd judge the Dad

I would feel dreadfully sad for you and your DD and would hope you would find the courage to leave and not expose her to this.

Weed? In a playground?
I believe that...