How much would you judge this family at the playground?

[RedStripeLass]

Sunday afternoon. Family of three, Mum, Dad and daughter aged 3 arrive at a small, quiet playground. Within seconds she drops her banana and starts shouting loudly "fucks sake, fucking hell" etc .

Then she goes to get on the roundabout and a younger child about 1-2 ish tries to get on to. She screams and pushes him off saying "no babies" he starts crying and her mum apologises profusely, very embarrassed and tells her dd to apologise too.

Mum and daughter then go on to play happily in the playground whilst dad hangs back on the grass with a beer and a joint. Mum tries occasionally to get him to join in their games.

I'm ashamed to say this a snapshot of me and my family. After starting a thread elsewhere I've become increasingly worried about our family and am gearing up the courage to talk with our health visitor today but I'm very afraid that she'll escalate it.

Honest opinions please, would you judge us if you were at the playground that day?

Also OP you need to stop calling it self medicating

He isn't self medicating. He is addicted

this is going to sound a bit odd
I'm not particularly anti-drugs and don't get that het up about swearing when it's warranted

but for a 3 year old to drop her banana and swear profusely, I'd think she was being dragged up, yes.

for a guy to smoke and drink in a kiddy place, again, I'd think she was being dragged up and I'd feel sorry for her. I wouldn't report it and of course loads of kids are being dragged up that way, but it is a shame.

in terms of swearing - children have ears, they can hear it when you do it under your breath you know!

if you are telling the HV about drugs she may feel obliged to report it.

I would think you were absolute scrotes and would take my family away from you. I wouldn't want my kids near you.

That's the honest truth.

Obviously, reading your thread and hearing about your previous one, I understand that you're a family in need of help. But based on your snapshot in the park; that would be my thinking.

Here's the thing: depression is awful, joints aren't the end of the world blah, blah, blah.

But you have your dd in a terrible environment because you're not willing to step up and stand up to your useless "partner."

It's time to put your big girl pants on and do what's right by your child.

Ah OK I haven't seen the other threads. You need to show your HV that you are capable of looking after your child's well being and are willing to put her needs first. Otherwise yes there is a very good chance that this could be escalated.

It's great that you are looking for support to change things but you may need to accept that remaining with the child's father is not in the best interests of your child

In your other thread you were told (repeatedly) that the situation at home (regarding her father) is having an impact on your daughter already, and damaging her. Children are like little sponges.

Here is proof.

leopardgecko- thank you for that much-needed reminder that we shouldn't rush to judge. (My adult sister has special needs and, when she had an epileptic fit in the street, people walked past, presumably thinking it was drug-related.)To be a foster-carer is to be a hero.

Monkeyface26 = thank you, thank you more than you can ever, ever know. So very sorry about your sister. My daughter recently came across a diabetic man collapsing from a hypo, and just as in your sister's case other people were ignoring him also. Thank goodness she was there to help him and call 909, hope someone was there for your sister too.
ps the very opposite of a hero I'm afraid!

I cant believe what im reading, really I cant.
yet again you minimise what this man is doing and how bad things are for your little girl. Last week you were saying she deserved better, you were talking about leaving and giving your DD a much deserved better life.
Now its all 'well hes nice, hes had a hard time and hes not abusive'

This IS in a way an abusive relationship. He complains about you buying your DD clothes, or in fact anything nice to make you feel better whilst he happily spends thousands a year. You have SKUNK in the house your three year old lives. You have been totally worn down and conditioned to believe that its okay for him to smoke pot as he functions (which doesnt sound the case to anyone else anyway), he's had a bad year, he works hard. You really need to wake up and realise this is not right, its downright neglectful, illegal and totally undesireable. Its bad enough people settle for this shit from a partner but to subject their kids to it from a so called parent is beyond contempt as far as im concerned

Stop being a martyr to your DH's issues. Lots of parents suffer from depression, and still manage to work full time, look after children and not smoke drugs and drink on a Wednesday afternoon in the local playground.

You know exactly what this looks like - and know most people would want their children around your family. The bad language isn't great, but honestly start putting effort in to reprimand or ignore her, but you have to stop using the language yourself.

Your DH? well, either access him proper help and support to ditch weed (which is the worse thing to be doing while depressed) or get rid of him.

I haven't read your other threads, but I wouldn't be surprised if your family had intervention - as you are failing to protect your daughter and put her first in this scenario.

Most people wouldn't want their children around your family.

I would not judge the pushing, that's normal behaviour or even the swearing. You only have to let a swear word slip once and kids seem to remember it. We had a few issues with my 3 year old saying fuck a few times after hearing it once. Soon stopped when we told him not a nice word and ignored it.

The dad drinking beer and smoking a joint at the side of the playground, yes i would judge. There is a time and a place for everything and near children is not it. I would leave the playground to be honest, I wouldn't want my child seeing someone do it. Would make me wonder what sort of dad he is if he can't leave the drink and drugs alone for half an hour in the park. Would make me feel for the mother and child.

Mind you I have a zero tolerance for cannabis anyway, I grew up in an area where it is all you smelt, I hate it.

A child pushing another child. No I wouldn't judge. Children will be children.
Smoking a joint drinking and using foul language which can be seen as threatening. Yes I would judge

And you've got the whole toxic trio going on here- mental health, drugs and alcohol. Three factors which are evident in the vast majority of serious case reviews. Sorry if that sounds blunt but the parents of those kids thought they were doing a fab job and could manage it.

RedStripeLass, for the record, yes I would judge.

You say your DP is depressed, well, he isn't going to get any better by drinking alcohol which is a depressant, and smoking weed which can also have a depressive effect and make the smoker disinclined to do anything useful. The thing is, he couldn't even do without either for the duration of the park outing, he wouldn't make that small effort for you and your child.

He may not be dangerous but he is no use to you as a partner, or as a parent to DD. His drinking and smoking joints will become a problem for you and especially DD, as many parents will not allow their DC to come to your home to play, and may not wish her to come to their homes even. You will be judged by those parents for not safeguarding DD.

By the way, OP. Your daughter is growing up normalising drug use. So perhaps she won't think it's such a big deal when she is 15 or so. So she will want to do what Daddy has always done, no big deal. So she will.

I haven't read all the replied and my first reaction was, I wouldn't judge the mum, but I would judge the dad most certainly, and I would suspect that the dad was responsible for the little girl's language, whether I knew he was or not.

You have recognised an issue, I would say you are good to improve things, but the child's father needs some work.

The joint, beer and swearing yep, I'd judge. The rest, no. The fact you're aware of "stuff" is a good start.

Swearing - kids do shit (although I might judge a little because I think kids swearing sounds horrible, not funny).

Pushing - kids do shit. You apologised, I wouldn't hold a grudge.

Parent drinking and smoking drugs in the park - absolutely not ok and I would judge him for doing it. You, I'd just feel sorry for

I would judge the child's bad language (as she must have learnt it somewhere) and the father's behaviour.

Don't apologise leopard I understand, I hope your day gets better love flowers

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Would be feeling sorry for you but even more sorry for your child to be honest. You have a choice to stay around and endure the status quo, she does not.

Drinking and doing drugs in a children's environment.

Sadly where I live, it is very common to see parents drinking and doing drugs (weed) in front of their kids. Don't really care if others smoke weed, I just don't want my DS to be involved in that kind of druggy upbringing environment..especially since I was never brought up around it. Also, this was one of the reasons why I didn't entertain living with DS dad as he heavily smokes dope.

BTW leopardgecko don't worry about what you said - your sensitivity was understandable. flowers for you.

Thank you so very much. Truly, so lovely of you to be so kind.

I wouldn't judge anything the child did, but I'd be pretty irritated at the father having a joint in a kids' playground. In fact I think you're pretty lucky no one said anything to him at the time.

I don't have an issue with weed per se. Lots of people including respectable professionals have the odd spliff at parties or can limit it to weekends just like most people are able to moderate their alcohol intake. However, just like with alcohol, some people's use escalates over time and it begins to cause problems. Heavy daily use of any substance definitely indicates a problem IMO. And I would not stay in a relationship with anyone who caused skunk - it's awful stuff. I used to work in a team for young people with psychosis and about every 4th person we saw, skunk was involved.
If I'd seen your family, I'd think that your DP was an addict as he couldn't even make it until lunch time without skinning up in a playground. I'd probably feel sorry for you but also frustrated as to why you're with him.
I've read your other thread and your DP has made it clear that he has no intention of stopping the cannabis. The thing with cannabis is that people don't tend to hit a 'rock bottom' like they do with heroin or alcohol. They just tend to bump along becoming more and more unmotivated and disinterested in life and the people around them.
I feel really sorry for your DD.