How much would you judge this family at the playground?

[RedStripeLass]

Sunday afternoon. Family of three, Mum, Dad and daughter aged 3 arrive at a small, quiet playground. Within seconds she drops her banana and starts shouting loudly "fucks sake, fucking hell" etc .

Then she goes to get on the roundabout and a younger child about 1-2 ish tries to get on to. She screams and pushes him off saying "no babies" he starts crying and her mum apologises profusely, very embarrassed and tells her dd to apologise too.

Mum and daughter then go on to play happily in the playground whilst dad hangs back on the grass with a beer and a joint. Mum tries occasionally to get him to join in their games.

I'm ashamed to say this a snapshot of me and my family. After starting a thread elsewhere I've become increasingly worried about our family and am gearing up the courage to talk with our health visitor today but I'm very afraid that she'll escalate it.

Honest opinions please, would you judge us if you were at the playground that day?

Sorry i have written an essay. It has just really hit home. My brother spent years justifying his "bit of weed". That it was only fun, to relax and we were all losers for worrying. He didn't see the change in himself. Didn't see the depression, anxiety and paranoia. Didn't see the times he got aggressive with me or mam til he managed to go missing for days on weed. Even when he got caught living with a thug who threatened to cut his head off with a samuri sword if he didn't start selling he didn't see it. It was fun.

Didn't see it til he tried to jump off a bridge onto a motorway.

I think it's shocking when people smoke weed publicly without shame. Was he drunk and high? Your poor daughter. She's fucked living in a unashamedly Jeremy Kyle situation.

Yes, I would judge your family harshly.

And I would feel for the child. And yet, I wouldn't want my own children anywhere near your child.

School is coming. Parents will clock this dysfunction, and they will not like their children playing with your child if they think your family is happy to be swearing and doing drugs in front of children.

I only read the OP so might be missing loads but... the way you painted the picture i'd think the father was an ashole and swears at home hence little girl is swearing. Sitting in a playground with beer and joint- why bother going at all?..
I'd have a lot of sympathy for mum (unless she was clutching beer as well)..

I saw it as a nice family day until other people pointed out it wasn't. He did still go on to cook a lovely meal and we had a fun day. There was a grain of resentment from me at the playground as I wanted him to join in more but
the day was in all very pleasant.

this is the essence of the problem. Your idea of normal and fun is SO fucked up that you think smoking drugs and drinking beer in a kids playground is fine. It's not fine at all, under ANY circumstances and I hope the HV can help you see that.

Have you phoned the HV yet?

I would have left the park, I wouldn't have my children exposed to language and behaviour like that while ever I can avoid it. They will get enough of that as they grow up.

Don't minimise the bad language. You might find other parents not wanting their child anywhere near yours if she takes this into school.

I hope you get some help form your HV.

I have read some of the thread but not all.

I think the how other people judge is not the point here.

My Ex smokeed weed. He was not the man he could of been without. How is he actually interacting with your DC.

The pushing wouldn't worry me alone as it happens and just needs dealing with..The picture combined does not suggest a nice family outing.

The thing about having a child is that you have to grow up. He needs to learn how to behave around his DD...They are little sponges at this age.. They learn what they see.

I think you deserve a lot of praise for recognising that you need support, you're clearly a thoughtful and intelligent woman.

To answer your questions; yes I'd probably fleetingly judge you but then change my mind when I saw you apologise and deal with your child's behaviour.
The drugs and alcohol in the play area and around his own child let alone other people's, no I'm sorry that's not excusable. Is he doing that at home? Your child could be getting stoned from second hand smoke and that needs stopping now. Well done for getting the ball rolling OP.

And stop spending the family money on weed, so they can get decent clothes and not have to struggle.

In my opinion there is a time and place if you smoke spliffs and drink beer and I don't think a children's playpark is the place to do either , personally .

The swearing , well perhaps that's a lot of ffs in one instance but I do not know you OP, but reading about it is you and yours and wishing to speak to the HV I imagine you are stressed anyway so no , I would not necessarily judge.

I wouldn't judge the child. One of mine was a swearer. He wasn't repeatedly sworn around. He just took a liking to a phrase unfortunately.

I'd feel sorry for the mum and wonder why she was putting up with the dad. I'd wonder what their homelife was like.

I'd judge the dad. There was a bloke in our local park recently drinking a can on Sunday lunch time. He was alone with a child about two years old. As others have said there's a time and a place for these things and the park isn't one of them.

Kids pick things up and swear, it happens. If a mother tells child off for bad behaviour and apologises etc nope I wouldn't judge it. Kids are kids. Father doing drugs and drinking around small children in a playground? Hell yes I'd be judging that, totally inappropriate. I probably would have called the police. It is after all still illegal!

My DH smokes the odd joint (once every 6 months or so) and it's the cannabis that is making him depressed. I'm 100% fine with him smoking as it has no effect on our family.

I think the only problem is you 'D'H he shouldn't be smoking around your DD never mind other DC I think you should kick him out today not tomorrow or next week you are teaching your DD this is completely normal. That woman need to skimp and save just to afford to buy food and clothing whilst the man can spend on whatever he wants.

Red when your little girl goes to school she will be the kid in the hand me downs, the kid who swears, the kid whose Dad is obviously a complete loser. She won't get invited to play dates, let alone have other kids allowed to go to your house. Well maybe a few equally druggy families won't be bothered, so that'll normalise things nicely for her.

Maybe you won't have the spare cash for the nice school trips and outings and if she gets invited to a party (cos it's mean to leave someone out) you might not be able to afford a party dress or a birthday present. And sadly, lots of Mums will make excuses why their kids can't go to her party (because your DH will be cracking open a can and spliffing up).

And loads of those nice middle class teachers will judge you too. No one will expect her to be bright, she won't get the star role in the school play or the job on the school council. She'll probably get some of those patronising awards they give to kids they feel sorry for.

Still think he's worth it?

Sorry I haven't read the thread properly but, not only would I judge your DH, I would go over and tell him to put it away or leave. In fact, I have done in the past when another child's Dad was drinking beer and swearing. There is literally no reason at all anyone should be smoking weed in a child's playground. It's freakin obscene!

You need to sort out your relationship for the sake of your daughter. Poor kid.

I think that MN on the whole tends to represent a certain demographic , namely Middle Class liberal elite. I was wondering if perhaps your own experiences of being parented were not that great and perhaps by comparison you believe what you and your partner are offering your daughter is a much better experience than you had? Your comments about spending a nice family day together and him cooking suggest this to me. Perhaps the behaviour's you find acceptable were acceptable in your own childhood and perhaps amongst your peers or parents peers? I guess my main concern from what you have said was prioritising your partners needs above your daughters as in , there is money for a £70 a week habit and beer but not for your daughter to have new clothes. You really need to re-adjust your attitude to this as this would not be acceptable to any parents regardless of family culture. Children always come first.

Hmm. The swearing yes as my kids didn't see it so didn't do it. I mean we all slip up the odd time but for a child to do that in that way it must be the norm. The drugs and alcohol, eww. But tbh OP you sound fine but your DH sounds like something from shameless

Red You have said that you think that your DH's primary problem is depression which has led to him self medicating with drugs and alcohol. That may well be the case and it's quite common for people with depression or anxiety to start using substances because it gives temporary relief. However, it nearly always exacerbates the underlying problem in the long term. Someone who is depressed may feel better after drinking a bottle of wine but the next day they feel more depressed and over time, it becomes a viscious circle and the alcohol consumption creeps up and up until the person's depression is worse and they now have an addiction to alcohol as well. It also means that they never actually address or face up to underlying problems because they're just drowning them out with booze.
The only way this situation is going to change is if your DH stops the cannabis which he's made it clear he has no intention of doing. Therefore the situation will either stay the same or get worse. There are no consequences for him carrying on as he is because you're prepared to put up with it. IMO the only thing that might make him change his behaviour is for you to leave or ask him to leave. That might, just might, make him wake up to the reality of what his addiction is costing him.
How long are you prepared to give this? Will you still be making excuses for him in a year? Two years? Five years?
If that's the life you want to choose for yourself, that's up to you but it means that you are also choosing that life for your daughter and I doubt she'll thank you for it.

I don't know where you live. But a child like that at dds school would be completely ostracised. No play dates, party invites. Some children will even be forbidden by their parents from playing with your dd at school. Is that what you would want for dd?

Many parents also would think nothing of saying horrible things about your dd to their children. I know this for a fact as it's happened at dds school. These children will then repeat the comments to her. Is that what you want for your dd?

So you're setting your dd up for an unhappy life at 3. A life, where she will see no way to fit in or perhaps a reason learn. Is that what you want for your dd?

You chose to have a child with a long term, habitual pot smoker and drinker. But you don't have to choose to stay with him.

Lovely Mummy

I wouldn't stay at the park and I would judge. I can't stand people drinking cans in parks. And drugs around your dd is a no no.

I would feel sorry for your dd and probably talk to my dp about it and say something like bless her.
My dp thinks I'm a snob with my kids. I like them to dress lovely and always bathed every night and early nights cuddles, stories.
So yes I would judge

Nice school mummy , is it the same parents who tell their kids not to play with the kid who has SN, and not to invite them to parties and playdates. I could never ever do that to a child, it is not their fault. Yes I would judge that park situation, especially the man, and now you, for finding excuses for him.

Wow, so you'd be happy to exclude a child because of her dad's behaviour? In fact, ostracise is a better word. To be honest, I think I wouldn't want my kids around attitudes like yours as much as I wouldn't want them around a pot smoker!

I'd rather the pot smoker!