How much would you judge this family at the playground?

[RedStripeLass]

Sunday afternoon. Family of three, Mum, Dad and daughter aged 3 arrive at a small, quiet playground. Within seconds she drops her banana and starts shouting loudly "fucks sake, fucking hell" etc .

Then she goes to get on the roundabout and a younger child about 1-2 ish tries to get on to. She screams and pushes him off saying "no babies" he starts crying and her mum apologises profusely, very embarrassed and tells her dd to apologise too.

Mum and daughter then go on to play happily in the playground whilst dad hangs back on the grass with a beer and a joint. Mum tries occasionally to get him to join in their games.

I'm ashamed to say this a snapshot of me and my family. After starting a thread elsewhere I've become increasingly worried about our family and am gearing up the courage to talk with our health visitor today but I'm very afraid that she'll escalate it.

Honest opinions please, would you judge us if you were at the playground that day?

You are enabling him by letting him do this to you and your child.

It's time you told him to piss or get off the pot. Think of how much extra cash you'll have in tax credits and not buying his fucking dope...

£3,640 a year on weed????!!

If that money was saved for the first 18 years of your daughters life you would have £65,520 to give her.

Would very much judge a father smoking drugs and drinking beer in a playground. Would also be horrified by toddler swearing - using the words correctly and in context. Not so much by the pushing off the roundabout thing, kids all do that sort of thing from time to time.

Glad OP has recognised there's an issue and is getting help.

How do you find and read an OP other threads? Newbie

I would choose my daughter. I can't believe your even asking that!

The fact that people have to ask that, and it is a valid question, should show you what you will not see.

This situation is worse than you're allowing yourself to believe and you are letting your dd down.

That makes you a bad mother and him a useless, selfish twat of a father.

So what chance has she got, really?

Not read the whole thread. In all honesty I'd have phoned the police to report the drug use and then social services to report the fact the child is exposed to this. You need to leave this man for the sake of your daughter!

The swearing, no I wouldn't judge you. Especially now you've realised she's overhearing you and will whisper more quietly into the fridge .

Dad not joining in - no, I wouldn't judge at all. This is standard family dynamics - people having different ideas of how we all should be having 'fun'.

DD pushing child off roundabout - no, I wouldn't judge because that's standard naughty behaviour and you responded adequately.

Dad smoking a joint in a children's area - absolutely unacceptable. That would really annoy me. If your DP was smoking a joint in his own back garden at a time when your DD wasn't there, it wouldn't bother me at all.

Dad drinking in a children's area - the same as for the joint.

I think you're making a mistake talking to the HV really. You clearly need to decide what you're willing to put up with from your DP and set boundaries. No HV can do that. All she can do is put these factors together (which are a snapshot in the life of a little girl who does have two working parents who love her and meet her needs) and she will put together something that is possibly wildly inaccurate based on statistics. Then she will possibly tell you what the boundaries are for both of you. If you want someone to hold your hand, take your autonomy and force you to give your DH ultimatums, then I suppose that might work. Personally, I wouldn't.

If you blooming kicked your h out, you would be much richer, not only in money but emotionally. I cannot believe you have to budget round your partners weed habit, that your daughter has hand me downs, because he is pissing the money up the wall spending it on drugs. That in itself would be enough for me to leave, sorry it would!

Yep I would judge. Harshly.

Poor kid.

The swearing would have have made have made me raise an an eyebrow but I wouldn't have judged I wouldn't, I'm a nanny and an ex charge used to swear like it was normal conversation and he had 2 very posh, highly respected professional parents so although I wouldn't have approved I would have mostly ignored it.

The pushing happens it's not unusual for a 3 year old to push a younger child so I wouldn't have judged that especially if she was told off and mum apologised.

I very much would have judged the man and would have left the park with ds and phoned the police on the way out.

If I had heard you address the swearing I wouldn't have judged. Kids pick up bad language from all over the place, I wouldn't have assumed it had come from home.

The drug use however would have made me incredibly angry. No excuse for it whatsoever. I am very far the other end of many posters however in that I am completely teetotal and don't smoke so even the idea of smoking weed seems so far removed from my "normal" it's something I can't understand. I did drink heavily during my teens / 20s and there is no way I would even entertaIn the idea of being so out of control or wasting money like that as a parent. For me smoking weed is the thing I would judge very harshly for.

How long will it be before he deems it acceptable to smoke it in the house?

It's his house too. It's getting cold in the garden

He has no shame to smoke it in a playground. Why not the house?

I'd be judging the swearing, but mostly the father's drinking & drugs. Seriously - he thinks that's acceptable in a children's playground?!!!

I don't think you have quite grasped how far off the norm this situation is. I wouldn't regard it as lovelyday if my DH decided to have a joint and beer at the playground - I would be horrified and mortified.

And don't you get how terribly antisocial it is to smoke weed at a playground - I would be furious if someone else were doing it when I was there and my judgy pants would be giving me a wedgie.

Look again at your language -how because of rent and bills you sadly have to budget carefully - NO his weed habit is short changing your daughter.

I do feel for you but you really need to rebaseline what is normal as you're allowing yor daughters your childhood to be badly impacted by this and it will only get worse.

I would feel sad seeing a scene like that.i would feel anxious for the child and in all honesty fear for the future she has with a drug addict - yes - for a parent and another who is intent on minimising the situation. I would also wonder what goes on behind closed doors.

It's not too late to get your daughter into a better environment OP. People are going to judge when she starts school and it will effect her life being brought up in the environment she's in now.
It's not fair on her. Get her away from this or she will just mirror her father.

"We have to carefully budget"???!!

HE fucking doesn't. Does he???

Who smokes joints at a kids playground? I mean, who on earth does that??

You are so fucked up that you didn't even realise on the day that it was fucked up. You were just narked he wasn't joining in. You never ever thought "who sparks up at a playground".

What do you want from this thread? You asked if we would judge, answer is a pretty much unanimous yes or at least be concerned about your child.
Most people wouldn't smoke a regular cig around kids let alone weed, which is, you know, an illegal drug.
You budget around his vice and worry he will get moody as he's sensitive.
Let me tell you, I grew up like this, and it stays with you, make no mistake about that.

So long as you pull the child up on the behaviour and swearing its fine. It happens and you are dealing with it. What annoys me most is when a child's behaviour is ignored by a parent. The drugs is a no no. I would say something or report it as I don't like drugs around my child and its a public park for kids.

Get a grip woman. I just want to hug you and shake you all in the same time! I have spent the morning going between this thread and your other one. I can't tell you the frustration I feel right now. Seriously. Read back everything that you have written. Pretend it was by someone else. What would you say?

Would I judge your family? Bloody hell yes. Your child? No, not at all. Your dh? Bloody hell yes. You? Actually you most of all to be honest. Because you have placed your child in this environment. You cannot fix his dependency on drink and drugs. You cannot fix his depression or apathy for anything except the oblivion of drink/drugs. You cannott fix your relationship or your childs relationship with her father. You cannot fix your family. This wont all go away. I'm sorry to be harsh, you cannot fix this. And you know why. He thinks he has a cigarette problem and THATS ALL.

You know what you can do. You can speak to Samaritans, you can speak to the HV, you can speak to AL-ANON, you can take your child to a safe environment while your partner works on himself. You can take charge of the finances so both you and your daughter don't go without. You can speak to him family and tell them he needs an intervention because he can't go on as he is. You can make sure your daughter doesn't go without and doesn't smell of week. You can make sure she doesn't go to school where the other kids aren't allowed to play with her because the parents are worried. You can make sure SS don't knock on your door because your child is troubled and coming to school smelling of weed and doing her homework where her father is pissed and stoned in the garden.

You need to get a grip here. Yes you love him but your love is not enough right now. My dh lost his father, sister and mother in a very short frame of time and in tragic ways. He lost his family home and his siblings scattered to the four corners of the world. He decided to lose himself in working 16 hours days and being drunk for the other 8 hours. I told him I was not bringing up children with a man who was becoming an alcoholic and working himself into an early grave. I walked away. He went to counselling and worked on himself, bought a bike for cycling the country with and we are still together 16 years later. Hardest thing I have ever done.
My sil has bipolar disorder and she has been through hell and back to make sure her mental health is at a level that she can make sure her children are well looked after and their mother is too. She had to leave my brother so she could look after her own mental health and I am so awed by her inner strength. She has battled demons(literally) for her kids.

You have had so much good advice on this thread. You will not make him worse by leaving him. You need to put your daughter and yourself first. She needs you to put you ahead of him right now. So would I judge you? Yes, because you are her mother and you need to be strong right now and not placate him. Put supports into place for him and let him sort himself out because right now you aren't helping keeping everything going and pretending.

Sounds like entirely normal behaviour for round here.

There are however lots of unpleasant people in this area who have no idea how to behave in public and would deliberately try to intimidate others, for example by smoking joints and bringing beer to the kids playground. I wouldn't want to spend time with them and I would mentally put your family into that category. I wouldn't necessarily think your child was at risk, apart from at risk of becoming like the parents.

Swearing because you drop something is not nearly as bad as swearing at someone. I'd assume that the daughter had picked it up from the parents accidentally and I wouldn't judge at all after you'd told her off. If she had sworn at my child then I'd assume that she came from an abusive household where she experienced or witnessed extremely nasty behaviour like that.

The "no babies" comment- I'd assume she had an older sibling or went to a pre-school or similar and picked it up there. You immediately picked up on it (like a teacher would) so no judging.

The dad comes across as scum. I would totally and utterly judge him and feel extremely sorry for the daughter. I wouldn't know what to think about you as I'd think that you were a good mum correcting the daughter's behaviour but you lived with a loser and your daughter deserved better.

"Let me tell you, I grew up like this, and it stays with you, make no mistake about that."

Listen to this. This advice is gold.