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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that 'save the date' doesn't mean wedding invite

242 replies

Corialanusburt · 02/11/2016 09:20

We received a wedding save the date card several months ago for August. The bride is a relative of dp. We therefore factored wedding in to holiday planning, though we've not booked yet. I also bought a lovely dress.

MIL has now been told that our invite won't be for the service or the reception but for the evening disco. We'd need to do an hour and a half's drive to get there.

I have no problem with receiving an evening invite, but I am annoyed at having received a save the date card which led me to plan for a full wedding.

So what is the etiquette for this? Should they have specified on the save the date card what we were invited to?

OP posts:
Lelloteddy · 02/11/2016 09:54

STD cards.

When abbreviations go bad Wink

JosephineMaynard · 02/11/2016 09:55

That sounds annoying.

I agree, save the dates should only be given out to people who'll be invited to the whole thing.

Aderyn2016 · 02/11/2016 09:56

It's rude to expect people to keep a date free on the offchance they might be invited to a wedding. Agree they should only be sent out to people the B&G are definitely going to invite.

HappyAxolotl · 02/11/2016 09:58

Have you actually spoken to the bride or groom? Or are you taking whoever's-this-MIL-is word as the gospel?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 02/11/2016 09:58

STD cards.

When abbreviations go bad

I thought the same Grin. An "STD card" sounds like something you should get from a clinic.

PlumsGalore · 02/11/2016 09:59

I think they all fell out permanently in the Gluezilla thread, think Gluezilla couldn't understand why Save The Date recipient was upset at saving the date to decorate Gluezillas wedding venue.

I am going to do a new search for that one.

PlumsGalore · 02/11/2016 10:01

This is the Gluezilla Save The Date thread. Goes on for FOUR threads to max. It is a good day's reading if you have a long journey!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1807864-to-say-no-to-this-request-from-a-friend

SarahOoo · 02/11/2016 10:04

Wedding Ettiquette: Save the Date cards ONLY for full day wedding guests. (You'll find that in any wedding magazine or blog)

You were perfectly correct to assume you were invited to the whole day.

diddl · 02/11/2016 10:11

Hopefully you'll be able to wear the dress on holiday!

YANBU.

Why ask someone to STD if they don't need to?

brasty · 02/11/2016 10:17

Agree with what others are saying, except those saying an hour and a half drive is too far for a disco. I am always amazed at the distances people on here think are too far to drive. I have driven to ordinary parties this far away, and my DP drives back. No big deal.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/11/2016 10:20

I think it's crass to send a STD to someone you're not actually inviting to the wedding bit of the wedding. But I think, increasingly, (rude) people use them as a way of laying claim to your time, while they decide whether or not to bother inviting you.

I had a STD from a friend of mine, who then emailed to say actually, it was really inconvenient we'd gone and got pregnant in the intervening time, and she didn't actually want us there unless we could leave a newborn for a couple of days. Hmm

MrsJayy · 02/11/2016 10:23

I dont think ive ever had a STD card wedding invites are usually sent months in advance so you have time to organise yourself if you want to go to the wedding STD seems extra faffery

MrsJayy · 02/11/2016 10:25

Oh STD is a bit unfortunate abbreviation Grin

Proudmummytodc2 · 02/11/2016 10:26

I think this is stupid we received a save the date from friends whose wedding was in October it knew it would be night time only as they stated this we never got an invite after this so never attended the wedding to them he asked after the wedding why we never attended we never knew the save the date from then was our official invite it was a save the date card

BonusNewt · 02/11/2016 10:29

I do think Save the Date cards are a good idea; a few times I have known friends were getting married "next summer" and have wanted to take account of this when booking holidays in January for the summer, but haven't known when the wedding was planned for so have had to ask (which is v awkward as you are also basically asking if you are invited). I know invites are sent out early but not usually eight months early. Having said that, it is obvious they should only be sent to those who are invited to the whole thing.

FruJustFru · 02/11/2016 10:30

The adult son of a friend of mine received a STD card three years ago - and then didn't get an invitation at all. Coincidentally it was about the same time as TidyDancer's Gluezilla threads - I always wondered whether it was the same wedding and he and his DW were also of the, eventual, 20 dis-invitees.

2kids2dogsnosense · 02/11/2016 10:34

Oooooooh! Thank you Plums

(puts on kettle, digs out the Really Nice Chocolate Biscuits, plumps up cushion, and settles down to a wasted morning reading the ENTIRE SAGA!)

Limitless · 02/11/2016 10:34

I'm 😱 That you bought a dress for next August.

I think it was a bit inconsiderate for them not to mention that it was evening only when they sent the STD card. I'd be mildly miffed but it's really not a big deal.

I don't mind evening only invites to

wizzywig · 02/11/2016 10:38

Heh heh heh std cards!! Keep the dress if you know you can use it elsewhere. Id have also assumed that it was for the entire wedding

Agiraffeisnotacat · 02/11/2016 10:39

I got my first save the date card last week, it said invitation to follow. It is for summer 2018! It is also someone I like but do not know very well as our only connection is a joint hobby, so I would be shocked if it is anything other than an evening invite. I think they are just getting very excited about the whole thing, which is sweet really.

I have put the date in my diary and will await the invitation...

CryingShame · 02/11/2016 10:42

If OP bought her dress in the sales at the end of the summer to be able to afford something usually out of her price range, would people still think it odd that she'd already bought for next summer?

she was told to expect a wedding invite so bought a dress for a summer wedding when she found one she liked, presuming, excepting acts of God and the like, that she'd be going to the wedding. I don't see that as unusual. There aren't going to be many summer frocks in ths shops if she starts looking in February.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/11/2016 10:49

An hour and a halfs drive to go to bloody disco and what about. The hour and a half back home, so. That's what 3 hours travel. I think I'd be painting the cats claws on that night.
I can have my own disco here.

furryminkymoo · 02/11/2016 10:54

The purpose of Save the Date cards is for people to book days off work and/or travel etc. The invites don't actually go out until 8 weeks before which isn't enough time for proper planning if travelling.

If I received a save the Date I would assume a day time invite, maybe you are on the B list for day time?

furryminkymoo · 02/11/2016 10:56

STD card makes me think of STI's, I know someone who caught something off a friend of a friend and he gave me a little card to pass on to her that the clinic gave him to discreetly let her know to get herself checked out too. (I think that it was Chlamydia).

middlings · 02/11/2016 10:58

The purpose of Save the Date cards is for people to book days off work and/or travel etc. The invites don't actually go out until 8 weeks before which isn't enough time for proper planning if travelling.

^^this

I'm furrin and we got married in my home country. Sent out a save the date email about five months before the wedding (we were only engaged for seven) including links to hotels suitable for a variety of budgets. It was appreciated!

In this case OP, YANBU. The bit of the wedding to which you were being invited should have been made clear.