To be annoyed that 'save the date' doesn't mean wedding invite

[Corialanusburt]

We received a wedding save the date card several months ago for August. The bride is a relative of dp. We therefore factored wedding in to holiday planning, though we've not booked yet. I also bought a lovely dress.

MIL has now been told that our invite won't be for the service or the reception but for the evening disco. We'd need to do an hour and a half's drive to get there.

I have no problem with receiving an evening invite, but I am annoyed at having received a save the date card which led me to plan for a full wedding.

So what is the etiquette for this? Should they have specified on the save the date card what we were invited to?

Yeah the food thing makes sense, hadn't thought about that.

I think if you sent out wedding invites in May for an August wedding you'd find that half your guests had either booked holidays or couldn't book time off at short notice.

YANBU. I would decline the invite and sell the dress or hope you can wear it to another event.

You are definitely nbu, no way would I drive an hour and a half for a disco and certainly wouldn't amend holiday plans.
I once got an invite to 'the day after the wedding after party' didn't even know that was a thing, still not sure it is. Finding out they also wanted me to pay 30 quid for the BBQ they layed on was the last straw really.

STD cards are a waste of money and I can't stand them actually, the Ines we've received are like a demand, not "we're hoping you can join us", more like ordering us - "don't make plans for this date".

I agree. Just pull your finger out your arses, plan and book the thing and then send me an invitation. If I'm around I'll come, if I can't ... well I'm sure we will both get over it.

We got a STD card for my cousin's wedding. We weren't invited at all, not even to the evening do!

I also agree that save the date cards are just another marketing ploy from the whole money grabbing industry that has sprung up. If there are people tht it's really important to you that they are there, then you tell them the date once it's fixed, in the normal way you communicate with them - be that phone, text, any social media messaging, or - here's a wild thought - in person .
Many of us managed to let people know the dates of our weddings ling before mobile phones or e-mails or social media, without spending £££ on fancy cards and postage.
However to return to the OP - I do agree that if you have received one, it is reasonable to assume you are invited to the actual wedding ceremony and reception afterwards. That said, I think you must be in a pretty small minority to have gone out and bought a dress specifically for a wedding next August, before now.

I appreciate STD cards being sent out months in advance - travel, bookings etc.. getting time off all need to be arranged so I think they're a good idea. My understanding is that the etiquette of a STD card is that you should be invited to the whole wedding not just the reception so I understand your annoyance OP.

TBH I find this issue of not being invited to the ceremony to be a uniquely UK thing to do (I moved abroad at aged 22 so most of the weddings I've attended have not been in the UK) and this is never an issue outside the UK it seems.

Rainbunny, it's not the ceremony that's usually space limited, it's the meal between that and the evening do, but you can't ask guests to hang around somewhere else whilst the meal is eaten!

STD cards are fairly common in the States and we have received quite a few, and I have found them helpful. But in the States we don't have A-list/B-list bifurcated wedding receptions. Everyone is invited to the whole thing, which is the wedding and then the one reception, both of which often take place at night.

Recently, we have received some STDs by text or email; it doesn't have to be a card.

Am I the only one who childishly imagines these STD cards like this:

Please tick all that apply:

□ Gonorrhea
□ Chlamydia
□ Syphilis
□ Genital herpes

Hillary - it still seems so strange (although my DB did this exact thing - got married in a tiny castle chapel that didn't fit more than 30 people...). I have been to weddings in Japan, Australia, Germany and many in the USA (including my own) and it's only in the UK that they do the "split" invite thing.

I do know that it's easier to get married wherever you want in the USA, you just need someone authorized to perform the ceremony. We actually tried to have our wedding in the UK originally, in my parent's village and discovered all the limitations in place so we ditched that plan early on.

I do know that it's easier to get married wherever you want in the USA, you just need someone authorized to perform the ceremony.

So true. DH is a notary public so in my state is authorized to perform weddings. If two people rocked up to the house right now with a marriage license, he could perform the ceremony on the spot.

I personally like some kind of save the date notice from a close family member or friend. Just a message on Facebook will do. I would then be expecting an invitation to the whole day, YANBU.

I always 😂 At STD cards - Def think of sexually transmitted rather Save the

Yes handy to tell guests to save the date if holiday season

But should be for all day

If someone I liked then happy to drive 1.5hrs each way for party or look for cheap b&b local to venue

Tho find it weird you have brought a dress for an event a few months ago and event isn't till middle next year you may not fit in it 😉

Politely decline when you get the disco invite, and book that holiday for August!

A List / B List is such a British thing - that's where the real problem lies.

Anywhere else, you'd've received a STD card, and it would've inevitably meant you'd been invited to the entire day, so no issue.

YANBU. I'd send them a STM notice - "saved the money" - and tell them that, in lieu of sending them a gift, you and your DP have planned a quiet evening out alone, just the two of you, and won't be attending the stupid disco.

Urgh, save the date cards are unnecessary modern wanky crap.

Well you received the STD card a year before the wedding and found out 9 months before it was evening do only. It's not like they downgraded you the day before.

Y'all

Yabu

We got a save the date card yesterday. It's really lovely but yes I'm assuming we are invited to the whole wedding. My slight annoyance is the vagueness - are dc invited? It's 10 months away but if dc aren't invited we'd need someone to have dc overnight and there are only 2 people who can do this/that I'd be happy to do this so would be helpful to know in case they book a holiday (which would be typical). Dc may be invited, I've no idea.

Urgh, save the date cards are unnecessary modern wanky crap.

They were when the majority of people worked mon-fri, so if you booked a Saturday wedding it wouldn't be a problem for most people.

Nowadays stuff is open all the bloddy time, so lots of people work weekends, so they need notice to attend weddings

Surely a save the date means - save the whole day, book the day off work if you need to... Not save the evening?

I would be annoyed at this especially after working my holidays around it.

That being said... how old are the bride and groom? i find that younger brides and grooms get more wrapped up in the planning stuff and just want to do everything before actually realizing that weddings are expensive.

DS1 got married this August Bank Holiday Saturday . I persuaded him and DiL to send out STD cards in January so that the people we knew would be on the all day list had plenty of time to organise or decline. We sent the actual invitations out in May. That seemed to work pretty well apart from BiL who, in spite of having had the STD, nattered and huffed for the proper invite from Easter onward .