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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that 'save the date' doesn't mean wedding invite

242 replies

Corialanusburt · 02/11/2016 09:20

We received a wedding save the date card several months ago for August. The bride is a relative of dp. We therefore factored wedding in to holiday planning, though we've not booked yet. I also bought a lovely dress.

MIL has now been told that our invite won't be for the service or the reception but for the evening disco. We'd need to do an hour and a half's drive to get there.

I have no problem with receiving an evening invite, but I am annoyed at having received a save the date card which led me to plan for a full wedding.

So what is the etiquette for this? Should they have specified on the save the date card what we were invited to?

OP posts:
MadisonAvenue · 04/11/2016 12:17

I can't believe people find this acceptable, this 'fuck off whilst some of us have a meal'. And then 'give me money as a gift'.

Totally agree with all that expat said.
Frankly, if I received this kind of invitation I wouldn't think twice about declining.

Being sent away for a mooch around YOUR favourite places, spending yet more money, whilst the chosen few have a nice meal and free drinks? Bloody hell!

MackerelOfFact · 04/11/2016 12:25

Can't stop sniggering at this thread. Grin

"I had a STD from a friend of mine, who then emailed to say actually, it was really inconvenient we'd gone and got pregnant"

"I think STDs are a very clever marketing tool by the wedding industry."

"But yes, STDs are for day guests only"

"we both had a small group of people who we said we would not get married without so they got STDs"

"Recently, we have received some STDs by text or email"

Sorry, sorry. I am an adult, honest.

Drbint · 04/11/2016 12:54

"If I was invited to a ceremony, a 4-hour gap and an evening do, I'd attend the ceremony to see the couple marry, stay for the photos and a quick drink, and then go home.

If the wedding was nearby, I'd go to the evening do, but otherwise not at all. Expecting me to fuck off and find my own meal then come back is just so, so rude, there is no way I would do that as a guest.

ARumWithAView · 04/11/2016 12:57

Most of you seem to think that not being invited all day is an insult, so to be honest, we probably wouldn't be friends anyway.

Who has said that? Most people have just said they wouldn't travel a long way for an evening-only invite; that it doesn't really require a STD (we are de-romanticizing the commercial wedding industry, Mackerel: no laughing at the back); that it's rude to imply someone's invited all day then just invite them to the evening; that it's really rude to bugger around telling people to be here for X, then please go away, and come back for Y; that being confused about what you're invited to and if there'll be any food when you get there is not the best guest experience.

It's a bit upsetting to get an evening-only invitation when you see other mutual friends being invited all day, and you'd thought you were on an equal footing with the bride and groom, but that's just unfortunate. Nobody's vetoed evening-only invitations on principle.

MissSeventies · 04/11/2016 13:13

ARum spot on. That is exactly what happend me with said wedding in another country. Some other friends that were invited all day I thought I was on equal footing with. So I did feel a bit insulted.

I agree that being invited to ceremony and then clear off for the whole day and come back for the evening is deeply insulting.

TheCraicDealer · 04/11/2016 13:27

emjayspring I hope you've thought again about the Wedding and Evening Invites only. As you'll see from the reaction here it'll really get people's back up. I think the only close-to-polite way of doing this is inserting a personal handwritten note in along with the invite saying, "If you'd like to join us at the ceremony it's being held at x place at x time. Best wishes, emjay". That way they are being given the option but there's no onus on them to attend. It feels a bit less, "piss off and let the important guests have their dinner".

We had one of these invites a few years ago and DP misread it and thought we were going to the whole thing, so be warned! Luckily I managed to intervene... We went, but only because both the church and reception were very local.

NerdyBird · 04/11/2016 14:49

I think save the date cards are useful if you want to invite people who will have to travel far and/or book leave way in advance. I don't see anything wrong with an evening save the date as long as it's clear that's what it's for.

When some friends got married years ago they had day guests and evening guests but said everyone could come to the church. There was a couple who misinterpreted it and came along to the reception after before they realised there was no place setting for them.

Weddings seem so fraught these days, I'm rather tempted to have a teeny tiny one with family only when we get round to it.

ViewBasket · 04/11/2016 15:15

Mackerel Grin Maybe recipients of said STDs should post a condom to whoever sent it to them...

Ruralretreating · 04/11/2016 23:45

I'm glad I'm not the only one to find this rude. It happened to me a few years ago - received STD card then an evening invite. I felt really offended at the time having but thought I was being over-sensitive or was wrong to assume STD card meant day guest invite to follow. This thread has made me feel much better about it!

Angelil · 05/11/2016 18:42

I HATE save the date cards with a PASSION. Either you know for sure when it will be (so send the actual invite then!) or you don't (so why send anything if the date could change?). Silly.

YonicProbe · 05/11/2016 18:55

Angel

You might have booked the venue but not ceremony. You might not have sorted out the details of when dinner will start. You might not have set the menu to send out choices or got the list of hotels together. Etc.

KarmaNoMore · 05/11/2016 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dustarr73 · 06/11/2016 00:50

I have no problem with an evening invite.I know some people the funds are limited but to be invited to the church and then basically told to fuck off till 4 o clock rude.

And i dont look at it like an A list and B list.

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/11/2016 00:54

Angelil - the date is just the first part of organising the wedding. You know the date well before all the other details (venue and timings) are sorted out.

Emjay - you seriously need to rethink your approach. There have been some good suggestions on here, if you must go A list / B list.

As an aside, people in other countries seem to be able to deal with the fact that it's all guests, all day just fine - regardless of the budget they have to spend.

YonicProbe · 06/11/2016 01:01

The more likely thing, karma, is that you have a posh do with fewer guests. There's still a cut off, it's just absolute.

Oh, and it might not be budget but capacity - a venue that can hold 100 at tables for dinner might hold 150 for a disco. Most of the cost for the all day hire and the music etc is sunk; some extra evening buffet bits is rarely a budget buster.

I'm happy to get an evening invite but will plan accordingly, just as I'd be happy to get an invite to a "big birthday bash" for a 30th without being bothered I didn't get asked to the smaller party at home for someone's 29th. Whatever the venue and however much you spend , there will be a maximum number.

KarmaNoMore · 06/11/2016 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YonicProbe · 06/11/2016 10:25

That's your view, Karma. Personally, i would be happy, not offended, to be asked to an evening do. Life's a rainbow, eh?

YonicProbe · 06/11/2016 10:27

And it's not about being deserving! It makes sense if the couple have their mums and lifelong friends all day and, say, uni mates or colleagues in the evening. It's unrealistic to think you are equally close to all your friends and relatives.

expatinscotland · 06/11/2016 10:34

It makes since to you, Yonic, but other people find it rude. I had never heard of them till I moved to the UK and found it quite shocking at first, especially not as it seems plenty of B&G think STD cards, expecting guests to travel and stay overnight, take time off work, give cash gifts for evening guests can be expected same as day ones. Or worse, yet, like em, that it's acceptable to invite them to the ceremony in the morning, tell them to fuck off whilst a few have a meal (and go spend money in the B&G's favourite restaurants), then come back - like rent a crowd.

What is 'sensible' to some is rude to others. Rainbow and all that.

throwingpebbles · 06/11/2016 10:37

I was glad to get a save the date card for a cousins wedding, meant all her big family managed to be there.

But that was a major fail by the bride and groom to send them out to people who aren't gong to be invited to the main event! V thoughtless.

twinmamma2b · 06/11/2016 11:04

Expat - don't forget, day and evening guest lists may not be what is customary where you're from, but it's the 'norm' here. A vast majority of British weddings are this way for a reason. Our wedding days are a lot longer than those in many countries and the guests generally get fed twice, which doesn't happen in every culture. A significant majority of those DO NOT give STD cards for evening guests.

expatinscotland · 06/11/2016 11:16

They are the 'norm' now but haven't been even in the quite recent past. A wedding day is as long as you make it. Hmm

twinmamma2b · 06/11/2016 11:35

Really Expat? What do you call the recent past? My parents' wedding in 1974 had day and evening receptions - as did all of their friends.

perditalost · 06/11/2016 11:35

Expat - don't forget, day and evening guest lists may not be what is customary where you're from, but it's the 'norm' here. A vast majority of British weddings are this way for a reason.

Not the norm in my family or social circle. You have a wedding that you can afford that has all of the guests present all of the time.

expatinscotland · 06/11/2016 11:37

Yes, really, twin! There are even plenty of people on here whose parents didn't have this, in the recent past. Imagine!