to be surprised my mum hasn't pulled up by brother over this?! Upset 5 year old 😢

[Mumofaboy123]

So the long and short of it is that I'm 35, brother is 45, we both have similar age children and he lives 2 minitues down the road from her whilst I live 75 miles away.
I visit her every second Sunday and have done since she retired 2 years ago, whilst she has never travelled the 1 hour 20 mins on a train to see me - she is a fit and healthy 63 year old in case relevant.
I'm not very close to my brother but up until now we've both made an effort for the kids parties, he's always come to mine and vice versa.
Even before my mum lived near him, we would all get the train together to travel to the parties - all in winter may I add.
This year my daughter was turning 5; very soon after starting school, but she wanted a party so we hired a hall and had princesses come along to entertain the children.
We done food and party bags, hot cakes made and so on so not cheap but her cousins, 2 girls of 5 and 8 were very excited to come.
The plan was that after the party, I would drive up to my mums and stay over as my husband was away on business on the Sunday and my brother had to go straight home after the party as his children have a tutor on a Sunday afternoon.
2 days before the party, my sister in law texts me saying that it is probably best if they just see the kids to give their presents when I get to my mums, it's a long journey and my brother has been asked to help football coach for the school on Saturday.
I www so shocked and to be honest pretty annoyed that I didn't reply.
The day before the party, my brother texts saying if you really want us there let us know but either way I'm letting someone down now so don't want to make the call.
Again, I didn't reply.
The party had been booked 6 months ahead of time and to be quite frank I don't think the message should have ever been sent, so the fact he even questioned not coming made me realise he clearly wasn't interested so what's the point in him coming.
My daughter was terribly upset when they didn't turn up on the day so we told her they had caught a sick bug.
I'm not at all surprised by my brothers antics, he's incredibly selfish and has seen my mum go through cancer without so much of an offer to take her to hospital ( luckily only skin cancer but 4 ops to remove it all ) and instead watched me do the 150 mile round trip whilst my husband had to take unpaid leave to collect the kids from school / pre school.
Not that it's relevant but they are very well off, 2 cars and a massive house.
There was nothing stopping her putting the kids in the car and coming to the party if my brother couldn't possibly not help out at football training.
I'm just hurt and surprised that my mum is playing this all down and hasn't questioned what he's done.
She said yesterday that at 30 and 40 years old she shouldn't need to intervene and that she still expects me to drive there for Xmas, knowing full well he will be there which is incredibly awkward as I haven't heard from him since - he dropped the presents into my mum that morning and I texted him thankyou for the money and that was the last contact we had.
What are your views on this?
I have 2 children and cannot imagine allowing one to treat the other and worse still a little 5 year old girl in such a way without at least asking what he was playing at?!

But that would be a lie as its no more difficult for them to come to their parties than for us, in fact much easier as they have 2 cars so one of them could come and the other adult wouldn't have to come or stay at home with no transport which is what happens this end!

Also I see what you mean re the contradiction, it's just odd that one child seems to come above another as she would be the first to pull me up, and did so when I told him he was unreasonable for reducing her to tears and made me sort it out with him and apologise even though he was in the wrong

I think your brother's an arse.I think it's rude and unkind to your daughter to pull out at the last minute.

But this isn't just about the party it's about his general selfishness.

However, your mum has a point that it's something that needs to be sorted between the two of you.

Personally, I wouldn't bother with him. There's no particular reason for you to see him at Christmas or any time. If your mum doesn't like how you've chosen to deal with it, that's her problem.

Its not really a matter for your Mum , imo .

My two do not get on and there is only 2 years difference , but they are young still .

However if , when older, this situation arose between them, as their Mum I would think wtaf is DD dragging me into an argument between the two of them ? and be less than impressed to be honest .

That sounded harsher than I meant OP sorry

Did you and your brother used to get along or has it always been this way ?

It can be really hard when one seems to be able to do no wrong despite making no effort.

And it's not that you want the parent to badmouth them, would just be nice to know that the effort that you make is appreciated.

FFS, stop angsting about your own resentment for your DB. You said this was about an 'upset 5 year old'. Is it, or is it all about how you feel?

If your focus was about sustaining a relationship between the young cousins, you would be quite able to achieve that without anyone expecting the nieces to come to your DCs' parties.

Certainly, there's thinking to be done about what level of relationship can reasonably be maintained and how much effort you want to put into that (including accepting that you will do more running than others, to achieve anything but a minimal relationship). Thinking about the children and their future would be a far more positive focus for your energies now.

Of course you can decide that you don't want to put in any more effort than your DB and accept that the cousins won't be close as a consequence. Will you be happy to explain to your DCs, when grown up, that this came about in part because you put your resentment and desire to play tit for tat with your DB ahead of facilitating their relationship? That's a genuine question. You might find you can answer yes and be quite happy about how you'd present that, in terms of the value of your (incipient) new-found assertiveness and self-determination. Or not.

I don't feel sorry for your mum at all. I think you've had some really helpful responses here, slotted spoon in particular. Your mum is 63, not 83. She's made her choices, and her choices are to prioritise your brother because he's more difficult. That's up to her. As much as it's not reasonable for her to stand up to your brother to protect you, as you're an adult, equally, you don't have to protect her by going along with whatever your brother wants. Because she is, you know, an adult too. Seeing that everyone had made their own choices, and you don't have to make it all right, will disentangle you from all the drama; including the drama that you, yourself, are creating. I don't think you have to go nc or avoid your brother and his children to make a point (which will be lost on him anyway because he sounds like a narcissistic twat). Just keep doing whatever it is that suits you and your family. Your DB and DM won't like it - they're both used to you dancing to their merry tune - and they will try and guilt you into falling back into your scapegoat role. But stick to your guns and you will start to feel much more in control of your own life and less in thrall to theirs.Not to mention modelling assertiveness to your own DC.

Great post amazeballs

Really amaze,
Thankyou so very much for that reply
You are quite right and I am going to take that all on board
My mother is an adult too and has chosen what she is happy with, I will do the same and my children will hopefully benefit from that.

Excellent news and sorry to sound so exasperated but it's because I was exasperated.

I don't know why you bother to placate him, just because your mother does, or why it's so important to you to have a relationship with his kids. Personally I think family is over-rated.

You have a relationship with his son, and that's really nice in view of his dad's behaviour.

But if his daughters weren't relatives it wouldn't make any difference to you whether you saw them or not.

Your brother will never cease to be a twat and dealing with him will always be annoying and disappointing. And the price for continued contact is too high.

I would invest in friendships with people with kids where you all get on.

I barely saw my cousins growing up, but we have several families we have always been close to who are like relations. Just make your own family.

You're the problem

It was totally unfair on your kids for YOU to let them believe that any of their guests were guaranteed!

It is just a kids party and people pull out for all kinds of reasons: the pox, tummy bugs, other commitments, meltdowns on the way etc..

I would never EVER build up individual guests to my kids for their parties incase they ended up not coming, because if I did, and my kids were as you say "gutted", that would be MY OWN FAULT!

I tell them "we've invited your cousins, they might be there, we'll wait and see" so they're not "gutted" and enjoy their party with whoever ends up coming

You caused a massive problem that never needed to be a massive problem

It was an invitation not a summons after all, people back out, that's life! prepare better for it next time

Oh and stop running to mummy to tell on your brother, if you were my adult child I'ld tell you to grow up.

Thanks guys

Not attending their parties would not be a dig at my brother, but as a way of protecting my children from expecting the same back which is clearly no longer on the cards

it was never "on the cards"

Nobody is, you invite people, some come, some don't.

here's how kids parties work: you invite at least 50% more than you need to make it a reasonable crowd, some come, some don't, you make it so your kids have fun regardless of who does and doesn't come and you act the adult/parent and don't put your own social expectations onto your childs expectations of their party so that they don't end up with a disappointment that you set them up for.

It's pretty fucking rude of a family member to not bother at the last minute if the children aren't either ill or there's a genuine emergency.

My sister and I have never done that to each other.

I don't think OP is the problem. The brother is the problem. OP has been brought up, as many women are, to run around the family and care and create and maintain relationships. Whereas he just does whatever the fuck he wants, whatever the consequences and the inconvenience and upset to other people.

I understand why OP has a dream of a happy extended family, but, unfortunately it's not realistic with a man like him. If she keeps trying she will be repeatedly disappointed. It's not worth it.

The cousins are seeing OPs child near her birthday, I'ld count that personally and just bring some cakes or something.

But then we do birthday weeks so it's not all about just one day, and if we're seeing people nearish their birthday we'll do a cake again etc..

I don't mind whether the cousins make it to the actual party and my kids are never "gutted" if their cousins celebrate with them on another day because I don't big up their attendance to them

(and they love their cousins, they pretend to be siblings!)

if the children aren't either ill or there's a genuine emergency

equally that could have happened, and the OP DID set her kids up to have the same expectation that she had: that the invited cousins absolutely would be there!

So regardless of the reason why they're not there, it IS the OPs fault that her kids are so upset.

It's all about how you sell things with kids (including not transfering your own issues to them)

See if it was me, I'ld have told her how she gets to have THREE birthdays now! Her actual birthday, her birthday party with friends, AND her birthday with cousins at Nana's house (and bring a second cake there)

and the whole situation would be a positive for the child not a negative (even if I was seething inside), it is not the OPs brothers fault that the OP isn't acting the adult/parent and doing this for her child and is instead allowing her expectations/disappointment to spill over and affect the child

He didn't see the kids and they didn't get to see their cousins as they dropped the presents in whilst the party was going on to my mothers house!
Of course kids get sick etc and that's life, nothing you can do, bu but I wasn't about to tell a 5 year old who was already wondering how many school friends would make it as only 2 weeks notice that her uncle and cousins " might " change their minds at the last minute as the drive was too long even though they had the date for 6 months and had confirmed just 4 days before that!
That's ridiculous.

Manon,
You're right, he won't change and it will be me and my children who keep getting hurt so I'm taking a massive step back
Someone said on here earlier that you can't change people's behaviour only the way you view it and I've accepted now he doesn't think much of my little family which is a shame, but I do and they have a wonderful father so they are lucky really x

bu but I wasn't about to tell a 5 year old who was already wondering how many school friends would make it as only 2 weeks notice that her uncle and cousins " might " change their minds at the last minute as the drive was too long even though they had the date for 6 months and had confirmed just 4 days before that! That's ridiculous.

You don't need to tell them that they might change their minds if you hadn't told her that their attendance was an absolute given in the first place

You've missmanaged her expectations and her disappoinment is on you!

You need to not let your expectations and disappoinments affect your child - adult-up!

He didn't see the kids and they didn't get to see their cousins as they dropped the presents in whilst the party was going on to my mothers house! So tell her you'll bring cake and candles next time you're all at Nanas together.
Or don't you want to do any damage control? cause then you wont have a disapointed child to point at to demonstrate how naughty your brother was I suppose?

It's not really about the bluddy party Yuck,
yuck.
Ime we continue into adulthood the habits of our upbringing so if a DM has instilled the idea that as a family we love and care for each other it's not easy to just cast that aside and reduce contact with family, you can feel that you are failing / letting people down.
Once you have come round to the idea and , over time, lose the obligation , you can wonder why you ever wasted so much time and effort on it in the first place. But it takes time to get to that stage.

Yuck,
You are coming across quite rude now.
He isn't a " naughty " brother, he let a child down after promising he would be there.
If that's okay in your world we will have to agree to disagree!