to be surprised my mum hasn't pulled up by brother over this?! Upset 5 year old 😢

[Mumofaboy123]

So the long and short of it is that I'm 35, brother is 45, we both have similar age children and he lives 2 minitues down the road from her whilst I live 75 miles away.
I visit her every second Sunday and have done since she retired 2 years ago, whilst she has never travelled the 1 hour 20 mins on a train to see me - she is a fit and healthy 63 year old in case relevant.
I'm not very close to my brother but up until now we've both made an effort for the kids parties, he's always come to mine and vice versa.
Even before my mum lived near him, we would all get the train together to travel to the parties - all in winter may I add.
This year my daughter was turning 5; very soon after starting school, but she wanted a party so we hired a hall and had princesses come along to entertain the children.
We done food and party bags, hot cakes made and so on so not cheap but her cousins, 2 girls of 5 and 8 were very excited to come.
The plan was that after the party, I would drive up to my mums and stay over as my husband was away on business on the Sunday and my brother had to go straight home after the party as his children have a tutor on a Sunday afternoon.
2 days before the party, my sister in law texts me saying that it is probably best if they just see the kids to give their presents when I get to my mums, it's a long journey and my brother has been asked to help football coach for the school on Saturday.
I www so shocked and to be honest pretty annoyed that I didn't reply.
The day before the party, my brother texts saying if you really want us there let us know but either way I'm letting someone down now so don't want to make the call.
Again, I didn't reply.
The party had been booked 6 months ahead of time and to be quite frank I don't think the message should have ever been sent, so the fact he even questioned not coming made me realise he clearly wasn't interested so what's the point in him coming.
My daughter was terribly upset when they didn't turn up on the day so we told her they had caught a sick bug.
I'm not at all surprised by my brothers antics, he's incredibly selfish and has seen my mum go through cancer without so much of an offer to take her to hospital ( luckily only skin cancer but 4 ops to remove it all ) and instead watched me do the 150 mile round trip whilst my husband had to take unpaid leave to collect the kids from school / pre school.
Not that it's relevant but they are very well off, 2 cars and a massive house.
There was nothing stopping her putting the kids in the car and coming to the party if my brother couldn't possibly not help out at football training.
I'm just hurt and surprised that my mum is playing this all down and hasn't questioned what he's done.
She said yesterday that at 30 and 40 years old she shouldn't need to intervene and that she still expects me to drive there for Xmas, knowing full well he will be there which is incredibly awkward as I haven't heard from him since - he dropped the presents into my mum that morning and I texted him thankyou for the money and that was the last contact we had.
What are your views on this?
I have 2 children and cannot imagine allowing one to treat the other and worse still a little 5 year old girl in such a way without at least asking what he was playing at?!

If you're working a night shift Christmas eve then use it as an opportunity to change.Have Christmas at home,stress free,snoozing inthe afternoon and make boxing day the day you see your mum.Let her know now so she can make her own arrangements,dont invite her you will see her boxing day and dont mention your brother/get into discussions.Start prioritising your DH and kids.

Presumably Op went though as she wanted to see her brother/nieces/nephews.

She thought that they were worth the effort.

When you think that, it can be hard to realise that your sibling doesn't care as much about you/your kids.

Op you have to learn to just put in the effort that you are willing to put in, regardless of what you get back.

I would consider Christmas Day at home, invite your mum, let her accept or decline & then stick to it.

Then see her & your brother another day.

For what it's worth OP, I would have been upset, too.

He doesn't care enough about you or your children or your mother to put you before a kids football practice.

He's obviously a selfish arsehole, but you will never change that. However, I think ou would have replied to his texts and told him you wanted his family there because your daughter was looking forward to seeing them and having them at her party. That way, if he didn't come wouldn't be able to blame you for it (because I can bet you now, that he will be justifying his selfish behaviour by throwing the blame on you). You could have kept the onus on him - he's obviously a shit, but doesn't want to admit it even to himself.

Don't bother with him in future - as others have said, do what suits you and your family, and let him get on with it.

Just out of interest - do you see his nephew from his first marriage at all?

I cant see past "Only skin cancer"?? Wtf your mother is lucky to be alive, my grandfather died of skin cancer, and you're focusing on a child's party??! You need to get your priorities straight.

Yanbu. However, it's not your mum's responsibility to sort it out and from what you've said, it'll only end up with your brother cutting everybody off.

Okay it was Basil cell - not a life threatening cancer and I went with her to th to doctors, to the consultants, for the operations needed to cut it all out and for checks ups after which took over the majority of last year.
My wording was bad, I didn't mean " only " as in nothing, just that it was easily dealt with, no chance of spreading and her health is very good.
I see his 16 year old son at least once every 6 weeks, my husband and him go off to football matches and so on and we have a great relationship with him - he is a lovely young boy!
The other 2 children of 5 and 8 are both girls so the party wasn't aimed at something they wouldn't enjoy
I am going to invite my mum here for Xmas day, my husband will collect her and drive her back, failing that we will go up on Boxing Day, I'm not going to be guilted into going Xmas day ahain like I was last year just to suit my brother if he fancies turning up.
Whatever I replied would have been wrong - he's a massive hot head so I thought the safest thing was to not reply but I did thank him for the gifts
He dropped them to my mums in the morning when he knew full well we would be there in the afternoon, he could have brought the kids over to see mine and give them the presents directly but chose not to.
I did choose to go as I love them and wouldn't dream of letting children down but as a lot of you have said, I can't make him feel the same so I think it best to create some more distance between us now.
What will be hard is if he still chooses to invite our children to the parties in January as ideally I wouldn't want to go if we are now not expecting them to come to our children's as then the kids won't expect it from them

Op. Don't let it affect your relationship with his children. You can still make the effort for them, regardless of your brother's behaviour. You still go down to see your mum anyway so it shouldn't inconvenience you. And yes, definitely don't go down for Christmas. Enjoy your Christmas at home and if your mum wants to come , she can.

You've rewritten and added bits countless times now and your mum is still right. She shouldn't have to still be sorting out your squabbles with your brother. Grow up. How many people do you need to tell you?

Well done, that is a good decision about Christmas. Be prepared for your mum to refuse to come this time but don't let it get you down. Stick to your guns, plaster a smile to your face and don't let it become a battle of you against him.

Sounds like it could be he hates you flagging up teh fact that DB has nothing to do with his own child, by keeping in contact.

If you and DM had not maintained contact he could pretend his DS doesn't exist. But its a bit embarrassing for someone in his prestigious role to ditch his own son. Inexcusable and he probably knows it.

I think he is has guilt (who wouldn't) and takes it out on you and DM by this disrespectful attitude. Telling DM he might or might not bother to call on Xmas Day is quite cruel imo.

YOu are in a no win situation OP. Only time might heal things as the DS grows up and makes his own life elsewhere.

I can only think some posters have not read the whole thread - their comments are uncalled for imv

"What will be hard is if he still chooses to invite our children to the parties in January as ideally I wouldn't want to go if we are now not expecting them to come to our children's as then the kids won't expect it from them"

He sounds like a difficult man, to put it mildly. But you really can't expect your mother to take sides (given that nothing very serious as has happened) or to tell him off.

And really - children's parties are not that important. If you don't want to go, don't. You're overthinking this. No one's children (yours or your brother's) will be devastated. Seriously.

And re: the parties in January, go if you want to but only if it genuinely suits you to go. Don't make it an obligation and don't see it as you 'giving in' to him when he has let you down. I doubt honestly that he will care whether you go or not. Also I doubt that his children will feel 'let down' by you not going. All they want is a party with lots of children they like. I don't think they are likely at 5 and 8 to over-analyse why their cousins are not there, they will just accept it. At that age they may not even have a part in personally inviting them and their focus will be more on their school friends.

I get the impression that you think you are 100% right in everything. You haven't acknowledged that you could possibly have done anything any different. 🙄

It's all very childish and petty.

Firstly, you're 35 and he's 45 and you want your mum to say something? Right

And you keep saying him cancelling was "obviously him not wanting to go." Well yeah, what fucking 45 year old wants to go to a kids party? None.

I can appreciate being a bit annoyed at the short notice but not to the point you refuse to reply.

And perhaps if you had explained to your dd that they weren't coming she wouldn't have been upset at her party. Or did you expect them to turn up despite the stonewall silence from you? Her being upset at her party I'm afraid is on you.

And, you know, unclench

I think that's a bit unfair Limitless

The OP feels hurt. She obviously tries very hard to be important and supportive to her brother and her mother it's a slap in the face to realise that is not a reciprocal feeling from her brother and that her mother won't acknowledge that he is selfish. (although I agree the mother should not get involved.)

The OP is justified in feeling angry and let down and needs to vent - this is obviously about so much more than the party. I think perhaps she needs to work on her self esteem and be less of a martyr and a people pleaser in general but if you are that way by nature then it's very hard to learn to detach and let go.

That's ridiculous, they wouldn't have come no matter what I said.
The first excuse was the distance - the second " lie " was football training
So nothing I could have said would have changed the fact he couldn't be arsed
And for the last time I DID explain to her, it just didn't stop her being upset on the actual day that they weren't there fgs

Well yeah, what fucking 45 year old wants to go to a kids party? None.

I don't think it's so much about the party itself, it's about showing willing in fostering a relationship between the young cousins, and being there for your niece. I'm sure that is how the OP sees it - it was a chance for the family to come together which they don't often do. I agree it would have made more sense to do that not at the party but at the mother's house afterwards as the brother and SIL suggested, but the OP really had hoped that the brother would see that having his children at the party was important to the OP and her DD.

Now she knows he doesn't see it that way, she knows where she stands in future.

OP, I have flaky inlaws and totally understand your exasperation. For years I tied myself in knots trying to maintain a relationship with them for the sake of my kids, who adored them. We/the kids were always way down on the priority list.

We ended up falling out over a deliberate snub by them, which they insisted wasn't a snub. If the relationship had been otherwise ok we'd have got past it. However, it really opened my eyes to how one sided the relationship was and how disinterested they were in us.

We ended up going NC. There wasn't a big scene, I just waited for them to contact us. That was about 3 years ago. Still waiting.

To be honest, it's made life much simpler and less stressful. The kids were really sad at the time and missed them, but they asked about them less and less and now they don't feature in their conversations. We (OH and I) decided that it was less hurtful for the kids just not to have contact, rather than constantly being let down (final straw was when my eldest asked if she'd done something wrong because SMIL didn't want to see her any more .)

In your shoes I would stop making the effort with your brother, and let it die down. Reset your relationship with your mum so it is more equal in terms of travelling, Christmas etc and be firm. Your time with your kids counts too and dragging them on a 150 mile round trip every other weekend isn't fun for them. It will only get trickier as everyone gets older, so it's a good time to encourage her to do maybe 1 in 3 trips down to you now.

When I was struggling with the toxic inlaw situation someone wise reminded me that we cannot change other people's behaviour, only our own and our reaction to it. I was giving them far too much head space and constantly questioning their motives, much like you are doing here. For your own happiness you have to move on.

Re the parties, I wouldn't go, and offer to see them for a joint birthday celebration in between the dates when you are at your mum's. You could maybe take your children and brother's out (without brother), make it a joint celebration for them all.

I also agree with other posters, that as the children get older it becomes more difficult to involve cousins - age, gender, distance all play a part. Find other ways to be involved in their lives, perhaps the cousins can start emailing or facetiming, or you can arrange meets at granny's house.

I think you've had a hard time on here; until you've been in this situation you don't appreciate how it's the little things that push you over the edge. It's clearly not about the party, it's the tip of the iceberg.

What will be hard is if he still chooses to invite our children to the parties in January as ideally I wouldn't want to go if we are now not expecting them to come to our children's as then the kids won't expect it from them

I think your thinking is still a bit tangled, OP - though good call about Christmas. (Though again, no one can 'guilt you into' anything - you choose what you do. Keep that in mind. Ask yourself why you choose what you do, what you really want out of the relationships, and what would best suit your own convenience, too.)

He almost certainly will invite your children to the parties - why wouldn't he? But I think you're deluding yourself slightly about your reasoning for not now wanting to go, though in other years you have always prioritised it. It's almost a year till your DD's next party, if she has one again, so if you want her not to expect her cousins, you have plenty of time to prepare her for them not coming. That's an entirely separate issue to why you now don't want to go because he and his children didn't come to your DD's. It's understandable you feel a bit resentful, but try to be clear about what you want. Is maintaining a relationships witth your nieces more important to you than making a point to your brother? Or could you seem them another time? Will the girls be disappointed if you don't come? Would you definitely be going if your brother had come to your DD's party?

Replying to him does not equate to 'begging him' to come. On the contrary, it would have been an excellent way to place the ball back in his court, by expressing your disappointment should he decide not to come and leaving the decision firmly with him.

I find it really extraordinary that although you know your Mum is scared of him, or his reaction to things, you, a 35-yo mother, wish to use her as some sort of human shield to protect you from having to interact with your brother. As well as being childish, that's incredibly unkind towards her.

You clearly have a very strong sense of obligation - and expect reciprocation. As others have said you cannot expect others to feel as you do or want what you want. It can be a shock to wake up to that and I understand you must feel a bit taken for granted. But you made choices and you continue to make choices. How interesting that you would now choose to avoid your nieces' parties.

Shouldn't this be about the DCs and establishing relationships that might last them into adulthood? Or might not. About you being an aunt to your nieces? It's up to you to decide how much that matters to you and how much effort you're willing to put in - regardless of anyone else's priorities.

Avoiding their parties as a punishment for their Dad's failure to reciprocate sounds as though you see this as being about you, not your dd or them. Of course you might decide not to attend every party you're invited to but - think about why you're making that decision and in whose interests.

Not attending their parties would not be a dig at my brother, but as a way of protecting my children from expecting the same back which is clearly no longer on the cards
I don't know if he will invite us anyway, he didn't respond when I thanked him for the gifts so no doubt has taken the stance that as I didn't reply to him he now just won't bother which is very typical of his general behaviour
I don't wish to be unkind to my mother at all, I love her dearly and feel very protective of her but i struggle to be treated so differently for no apparent reason.

Even with the drip feeding of information about what a dreadful person your brother is, you sound exhausting and overly dramatic.

YABU.

Your poor Mum :(

You feel protective of your mother but you want her to fight your battles for you, with someone she has reason to be wary of and has her own very delicate relationship with? Can't you see the massive contradiction?

This idea of protecting your children from disappointment re parties is a bit odd. You can easily explain to them that it's harder for the cousins to travel to you - which could be true for any number of reasons, think about how you'd deal with it if you happened to be sympathetic to those reasons - whereas you choose to go to theirs and see your DM at the same time. Parties are but one occasion when they might see each other.