to be surprised my mum hasn't pulled up by brother over this?! Upset 5 year old 😢

[Mumofaboy123]

So the long and short of it is that I'm 35, brother is 45, we both have similar age children and he lives 2 minitues down the road from her whilst I live 75 miles away.
I visit her every second Sunday and have done since she retired 2 years ago, whilst she has never travelled the 1 hour 20 mins on a train to see me - she is a fit and healthy 63 year old in case relevant.
I'm not very close to my brother but up until now we've both made an effort for the kids parties, he's always come to mine and vice versa.
Even before my mum lived near him, we would all get the train together to travel to the parties - all in winter may I add.
This year my daughter was turning 5; very soon after starting school, but she wanted a party so we hired a hall and had princesses come along to entertain the children.
We done food and party bags, hot cakes made and so on so not cheap but her cousins, 2 girls of 5 and 8 were very excited to come.
The plan was that after the party, I would drive up to my mums and stay over as my husband was away on business on the Sunday and my brother had to go straight home after the party as his children have a tutor on a Sunday afternoon.
2 days before the party, my sister in law texts me saying that it is probably best if they just see the kids to give their presents when I get to my mums, it's a long journey and my brother has been asked to help football coach for the school on Saturday.
I www so shocked and to be honest pretty annoyed that I didn't reply.
The day before the party, my brother texts saying if you really want us there let us know but either way I'm letting someone down now so don't want to make the call.
Again, I didn't reply.
The party had been booked 6 months ahead of time and to be quite frank I don't think the message should have ever been sent, so the fact he even questioned not coming made me realise he clearly wasn't interested so what's the point in him coming.
My daughter was terribly upset when they didn't turn up on the day so we told her they had caught a sick bug.
I'm not at all surprised by my brothers antics, he's incredibly selfish and has seen my mum go through cancer without so much of an offer to take her to hospital ( luckily only skin cancer but 4 ops to remove it all ) and instead watched me do the 150 mile round trip whilst my husband had to take unpaid leave to collect the kids from school / pre school.
Not that it's relevant but they are very well off, 2 cars and a massive house.
There was nothing stopping her putting the kids in the car and coming to the party if my brother couldn't possibly not help out at football training.
I'm just hurt and surprised that my mum is playing this all down and hasn't questioned what he's done.
She said yesterday that at 30 and 40 years old she shouldn't need to intervene and that she still expects me to drive there for Xmas, knowing full well he will be there which is incredibly awkward as I haven't heard from him since - he dropped the presents into my mum that morning and I texted him thankyou for the money and that was the last contact we had.
What are your views on this?
I have 2 children and cannot imagine allowing one to treat the other and worse still a little 5 year old girl in such a way without at least asking what he was playing at?!

I agree with your mum. She's probably had more than her fair share of interventions over the years if this incident is an indication of your relationship. It all sounds a bit childish/ tit for tat imo. Ultimately your dd missed out altogether because you chose not to respond to texts - twice. Your brother sounds like a bit of a twat, yes. Choose your battles op. His failure to help your mum through cancer should have been a bigger issue than missing a kids party.

If your mum is making the choice to stay at home on the off-chance that her son pops in then let her get on with it. You don't have to go there - invite her to yours, explain you're not coming this year but she is very welcome to come to you. Sit back and wait for Armageddon.

If you don't want to go there for Christmas don't.

To be honest it's sounding more and more like your trying to cling to relationships that maybe aren't really there? Maybe time to take a bit of a step back for a while and focus on your immediate family instead?

I think that ywbu not to reply.

What would have happened if you had asked him to be there?

Couldn't SIL have brought the kids?

I wouldn't expect your mum to take sides between you two adults though,no.

Oh for goodness sake it is a 5 year old's birthday party not a wedding or funeral.
I wouldn't fancy travelling 70 miles to go to a kids party then have to travel back same day. I haven't been to any of my niece or nephews parties since they were tiny aged 1 or 2 because as kids get older they tend to have parties for their friends not relatives they don't see very often.
You are making a huge fuss about nothing. If the way go are reacting on here is indicative of how you handled it at the time it was probably your reaction that got your daughter so upset. You really are making this much bigger than it needs to be.
People have busy lives and possibly the last thing they want on weekends off is to spend it hanging around at a kids party.
I would just put it behind you and move on. Thinking that it you can't go for Christmas because of it is really a bit silly and childish.

My mum won't come to us for Xmas she doesn't drive and insists we have to see her Xmas day itself

Well your mum can't insist anything of the sort. If she wants to guarantee she sees you on Christmas Day then she can get herself on the train on Christmas Eve and come to you. She can alternate between you and your brother. If your mum insists you drive to her on CD does that mean you never see your husband's family on CD?

Your brother sounds as though he pleases himself first and only pleases others if it suits him. You sounds like a bit of a people-pleasing stressy-head with a few issues, resentments and insecurities surrounding your brother, who you think is a bit of a golden child in spite of not being as 'good' and as deserving of your mother's love as you. You may well be right, but you can't change it. I think you should learn to detach yourself a little and stop seeing it as a competition.

I get the feeling that you want your mother to acknowledge that he is always the selfish, bad sibling and you are the perfect martyred one. But she isn't going to do that, (any more than you would want to criticise one of your children to the other) even if it's true, so for your own good learn to let is wash over you.

I think YABU
150 mile round trip for a kid's birthday party How much fun is that going to be for the kids let alone the parents? I would have been expecting them to cancel any way
You were really rude to ignore the first text, and then when your DB realised you had got the hump, he offered to come , and you STILL didn't reply.

"I wouldn't fancy travelling 70 miles to go to a kids party then have to travel back same day."

Then they should have declined.

If the cousins would be catching up at GM's at the present handover though, I do think them not being at the party is not such a big deal.

I agree with, well, pretty much everyone else.

You handled this badly and are wrong to involve your mother. Your brother is flaky and you are angry and upset when he behaved like he normally does. Your reaction to him cancelling was really silly and over the top.

You have made the situation a lot worse.

I don't get why you seem pissed off with your brother that you drive to see your Mum all the time. If you don't want to go then don't. You come across as being a martyr.

It doesn't read as true.

"She said yesterday that at 30 and 40 years old she shouldn't need to intervene and that she still expects me to drive there for Xmas, knowing full well he will be there which is incredibly awkward as I haven't heard from him since"

Your mum is right. If you want to bicker with your brother over the fact that he changed his mind at a late date about coming to your party, that's your business. Don't go dragging her into it. She's doing the right thing in inviting both of you for Christmas and letting you decide for yourselves whether you are too affronted with each other to stand being in the same room together.

I think having read some of your updates I get a sense that you are frustrated that your Mum sees your brother as a bit of a 'golden child' and are frustrated with this at times. Honestly (and I mean this kindly) the best thing you can do in this situation is detach yourself a bit from it from this situation and stop seeking out your mother's approval. Re: Christmas if your Mum won't come to you for the day on the off chance your brother may pop into her, then just say to her that she's welcome to come to yours for the day, but if she can't make it then you won't be able to see her on Christmas day itself as you've decided it's not fair on your kids to spend half their Christmas day travelling, but you'll come up and see her Christmas eve / Boxing day / whatever works for you. If she gets miffed, then tough.

As your dc get older they will have more and more of their own local stuff and then you will understand your dbs dilemma. Often these things turn up at the last minute.
My dm has a huge lrish family and her golden rule has always been to stay out of stuff like that as siblings make up and parent is left adrift. You need to treat birthdays in a more relaxed fashion for your own peace off mind.
And do Christmas to suit you. But don't tie it in with having a strop over the party. If you like going to your dm go.
I thought your db was fair enough over the party. Maybe from now on your dc could have a cake in grans the next visit after a birthday and prolong the celebrations. Unfortunately it's usually the one who moved away who has to travel, that's life.

Have you posted about your family situation before - the skin cancer, DM being gm carer, distance, weekend visits all sound familiar. Had you been considering relocating previously? I suspect the picture is bigger than one party. You were unrealistic to plan for an extravagant party without being certain of decent numbers, rather than relying on your brother to travel.

It's not your DB fault that only 3 kids turned up although why hire a room and only invite 6 kids? Planning for 6months seems OTT. As I said before I hate kids partys the kids love them but they aren't fun for adult especially if you have to travel aswell

Thanks for taking the time to reply
Can I just add that his eldest child is 2 years older than mine, he started these parties always inviting us and making it clear we should attend so we did
Even before I learnt to drive I caught trains, changing however many times I needed to with 2 young children, always in January as that's when both his children's fall so twice in the space of a month
If he didn't want to do the journey he could have said this at any point.
We booked 6 months ahead as to have 2 princesses there ( frozen party ) we needed to secure the date that far ahead
I am resentful I guess that no matter what he does she never thinks he does wrong, it's hurtful I guess but I think the posters who said to detach myself are right.
I shouldn't be going there Xmas day, I'm working a night shift Xmas eve so if she wants to come she is welcome but if she wants to stay at home on the off chance they will pop in ( they won't commit to a yes or no ) I will her another time
My husbands parents live in Ireland so they come for new year so that hasn't been an issue so far luckily
I will work on building her friendships at school as she's very shy so doesn't come easily to make friends and next year hopefully she will have a bigger group to come along to her party
I'm Not ignoring anyone who is saying I'm being unreasonable, it's hard to know the dynamic of our relationship via a forum but I'm 100% sure even if I had replied saying please come, they either still wouldn't have or they would have done it dragging heels which would have been pointless in my opinion as if they wanted to be there they would have without question.
Of course the cancer was a far bigger issue but he didn't seem to think so; he's a doctor by profession actually so said it was very minor and almost irrelevant, shouting at her for wanting to talk about it when they were planning their 40th birthday party at the same time ( which again we did the 150 mile round trip for as was expected ) which led my mum to being in tears which was why we fell out then as I questioned what he was doing upsetting our mother going through cancer operations

It's nothing to do with your mum. Past history is irrelevant. Look at it from the other side.

The party seems to be around 90 mins drive away and they would only have been able to stay literally a couple of hours meaning most of the day in the car. That's a big ask tbh.

From how it reads they originally intended coming anyway then when your brother was asked to do a favour (for the school so presumably lots of kids involved) it made more sense to do that instead and just see you afterwards.

You were coming over to your mums anyway so they knew even if they didn't go your child would get gifts on the day. They also probably assumed that you would have many school friends there and the kids wouldn't be missed.

They texted and you didn't reply at all. They then probably assumed (rightly) that you were sulking so your brother asked if it was important and OFFERED TO COME and again you ignored it.

You had TWO chances to say actually I'm a bit upset about that I would really like you to come. You didn't take either of them.

You have now made this into a much bigger thing than it needs to be. If you had replied to the FIRST message simply saying "I'm upset about this actually this party means a lot to me and DC" he may well have just said "ok I will make it work"

We didn't know 6 would only come we invited all the girls from her class but as I said she started school and the party was 2 weeks later so it didn't give much time
It wasn't planning for 6 months, it was securing the date for the princesses to be free - we gave the date to family that far ahead of time as we have always gone to each other's children's parties without fail up to date

Just read your updates. I probably gave him more credit than he deserves but you did still lower yourself to that level when you ignored him.

If you can't cope with him, don't. If you don't want to work a night shift then travel straight to your mums, don't. Start taking control and making choices for YOU rather than to please everyone else.

always inviting us and making it clear we should attend so we did

Now you are being a martyr again. Stop it. An invitation is just that - an invitation, not a summons. Stop prioritising people who don't prioritise you.

You need to accept that just because you are a person who holds great store in being reliable and supportive even if it means putting yourself at an inconvenience, other people don't necessarily live by the same rules as you.

I think your mother sounds slightly starstruck by your brother to be honest and you are the invisible, reliable one always waiting in the wings to be noticed. It really would benefit you to put your energies into exploring how you feel, maybe with some therapy if you can afford it, or just by reading some good books on the subject. There is nothing at all to be gained from getting yourself in an angry tight knot over something you have no control over. You will feel much better if you can allow yourself to stop caring about this.

And I have to ask - was it Pavlova Pippa by any chance?

You say about the journey but that has been the same on the other side!
Apart from the fact I couldn't drive so had to get all different trains to soft play areas and so on " for a couple of hours " before travelling home again!!
But I always did it as by inviting me they obviously wanted us there!
Same rule should have applied - I should not have had to beg him to come when I have always done it for his children
The football thing was probably a lie, it was not what was used originally so was probably said after he realised he was taking the mick regarding the travelling when I've always done it

I agreee with Grinchy.

Start doing what you want to do.

You're trying to please others but it's not working.

Why bother travelling to your mum when it seems that all she wants is to see your brother on CD.

Of course the same rules shouldn't apply. If you want to be a martyr and put yourself out for others that's entirely up to you, but you can't expect other people to.

It was a kids birthday party ffs not a royal

I don't think you are unreasonable to be disappointed that your brother and his children didn't come, or to wonder why your sil didn't come without him.
However I don't think you should expect your mother to intervene or say anything. If you can just let it go, and try and not dwell on it, it would probably be best for you and for the children in the long run. Instead of having your feelings about it carry onwards to Christmas and other occasions. This isn't really a strong reason to cut him out of your lives, just now you know to not have any expectations regarding him. You said yourself he cut you out of his life for thecsimple act of caring about his son, your nephew. He sounds rather cold hearted to me. Don't let this destroy the friendships between the cousins. They are innocents and you obviously are a good aunt, including to his son that he abandoned.