to be surprised my mum hasn't pulled up by brother over this?! Upset 5 year old 😢

[Mumofaboy123]

So the long and short of it is that I'm 35, brother is 45, we both have similar age children and he lives 2 minitues down the road from her whilst I live 75 miles away.
I visit her every second Sunday and have done since she retired 2 years ago, whilst she has never travelled the 1 hour 20 mins on a train to see me - she is a fit and healthy 63 year old in case relevant.
I'm not very close to my brother but up until now we've both made an effort for the kids parties, he's always come to mine and vice versa.
Even before my mum lived near him, we would all get the train together to travel to the parties - all in winter may I add.
This year my daughter was turning 5; very soon after starting school, but she wanted a party so we hired a hall and had princesses come along to entertain the children.
We done food and party bags, hot cakes made and so on so not cheap but her cousins, 2 girls of 5 and 8 were very excited to come.
The plan was that after the party, I would drive up to my mums and stay over as my husband was away on business on the Sunday and my brother had to go straight home after the party as his children have a tutor on a Sunday afternoon.
2 days before the party, my sister in law texts me saying that it is probably best if they just see the kids to give their presents when I get to my mums, it's a long journey and my brother has been asked to help football coach for the school on Saturday.
I www so shocked and to be honest pretty annoyed that I didn't reply.
The day before the party, my brother texts saying if you really want us there let us know but either way I'm letting someone down now so don't want to make the call.
Again, I didn't reply.
The party had been booked 6 months ahead of time and to be quite frank I don't think the message should have ever been sent, so the fact he even questioned not coming made me realise he clearly wasn't interested so what's the point in him coming.
My daughter was terribly upset when they didn't turn up on the day so we told her they had caught a sick bug.
I'm not at all surprised by my brothers antics, he's incredibly selfish and has seen my mum go through cancer without so much of an offer to take her to hospital ( luckily only skin cancer but 4 ops to remove it all ) and instead watched me do the 150 mile round trip whilst my husband had to take unpaid leave to collect the kids from school / pre school.
Not that it's relevant but they are very well off, 2 cars and a massive house.
There was nothing stopping her putting the kids in the car and coming to the party if my brother couldn't possibly not help out at football training.
I'm just hurt and surprised that my mum is playing this all down and hasn't questioned what he's done.
She said yesterday that at 30 and 40 years old she shouldn't need to intervene and that she still expects me to drive there for Xmas, knowing full well he will be there which is incredibly awkward as I haven't heard from him since - he dropped the presents into my mum that morning and I texted him thankyou for the money and that was the last contact we had.
What are your views on this?
I have 2 children and cannot imagine allowing one to treat the other and worse still a little 5 year old girl in such a way without at least asking what he was playing at?!

You didn't have to go though, you chose to. It was nice Of you to do so but generally and invite is just that not a demand you have to go so that side of your argument is irelevant.

Seriously op get a life and a reasonable perspective on life. You are not the centre everyone else's world.

You say about the journey but that has been the same on the other side!
Apart from the fact I couldn't drive so had to get all different trains to soft play areas and so on " for a couple of hours " before travelling home again!!

You didn't have to. You chose to.

Sorry

It wasn't a royal garden party. You obviously think these things are massively important - most people don't.

X post with Sirzy!

I don't agree that this is nothing to do with your mum. She certainly sounds like she prioritises golden child DB over you. Christmas Day being a prime example. But the only way of getting round this is to stop being in the competition. Your mother is unreasonable expecting you to come all the way on the off chance DB will show up. So then, don't go yourself. Enjoy a lovely Christmas with your own DC, maybe invite any friends who haven't got family around in the evening, see your mother at another time and don't let her or your DB guilt you into changing your mind. I do agree though there's no point in getting passive aggressive with your brother. Have no expectations of him - he abandoned his own child fgs. And focus on your own life. Btw your husband sounds lovely.

OP, of course yabu, as everyone else said.

100% sure even if I had replied saying please come, they either still wouldn't have or they would have done it dragging heels which would have been pointless in my opinion as if they wanted to be there they would have without question.

As a pp said, this was not a police summons - you chose to make difficult trips by public transport for their parties, just as you choose to go to your mother's house all the time. Your brother doesn't feel the same sense of obligation, probably partly because men are still often socialised to consult their own convenience while women are socialised to feel obliged and guilty if they don't respond to others' needs.

Frankly, you can't make him want to come to a child's party. You are outraged because he doesn't behave the way you behave, and doesn't treat your mother the way you do. That's completely out of your control, I'm afraid, but your own passive aggressiveness in refusing to answer the texts before the party didn't help this time around. Not only do you want him to come, you want him to want to come - you want him to feel like you. And that just isn't possible.

My DC also have similar age cousins. When they were little they all came to each others parties. By the time they were at school, the parties focused round school friends, and it was difficult to include "other" children. So we saw the cousins at a different time.

Did your brother originally say "yes" before you made the plans to go up to your mum's anyway? Because I absolutely agree that there is no point making a 150 mile round trip for a party that's likely to be awkward for his DC (an 8 year old wants to go to a 5 year old's party with DC she doesn't know!!?) when you will be somewhere more local, more convenient and better for the DC to meet up anyway!

It's not your brother's fault that so few of DD's school friends were able to come, but you absolutely should have said in response to his text that not many guests were able to come and you'd really appreciate that cousins coming.

And honestly, leave your mother out of it. It's between two adults.

Deal with the issue of her coming to see you separately. But remember, you are choosing to do a 150 mile round trip every second weekend to see her - this isn't some kind of legal requirement. (And honestly, personally, I wouldn't even have considered trekking that far for a child's birthday party, sibling's child or not.)

So you're 35, your brother walked out on his son aged 5, this son is 16 now, and you were a teenager when it happened? Ok.

It doesn't sound as though you have a close relationship with your DB and SIL anyway and probably won't enjoy having your nose rubbed in how wonderful and successful they are at Christmas so why don't you start choosing to spend Christmases at home or going to Ireland from now on?

Tell your mum you've decided to stay at home, invite her this year, she'll say she can't come because she's already committed to seeing your brother, and say 'ok I understand, we'll drive to see you on Boxing Day then. But perhaps next year you will get the train to us or we'll pick you up on Christmas Eve and drop you back to brother's on Boxing Day. And the year after that we might go to Ireland so maybe we'll come to you a few days before and have an early Christmas Day.'

But DON'T turn it into a punishment thing because of the party snub. Just say you've decided you'd rather not drive all that way as it's not really fair on the children - which it isn't. Make it clear that your mum is always welcome at yours, as is your brother and his family, but that you will no longer run around after everyone else. And that in future you are happy for your mum to alternate between you and him and if you and your brother manage to catch up at some point over the Christmas period then great, but fitting in around him is no longer your priority, even if it is hers.

Start taking some control and stop being ordered around by other people and then wondering why they won't be ordered around by you.

The day before the party, my brother texts saying if you really want us there let us know but either way I'm letting someone down now so don't want to make the call. Again, I didn't reply.

This seems like the butt of the issue.

She said yesterday that at 30 and 40 years old she shouldn't need to intervene

I couldn't agree more. You're adults and need your heads banging together.

You and your brother are as bad as each other.

I feel sorry for your poor mother caught in between her childish offspring when she probably has more important things on her mind to deal with than who did or didn't go to a child's 5th birthday party...get over yourselves.

It is relevant what sort of skin cancer it was.Basal cell carcinoma- not such a big deal. Malignant melanoma- very big deal indeed.

Hilda she is 35 her bro is 45. The child is 16 so would have been born when the OP was only 19. Presumably the bro was with his son's mother throughout some of the OP's teenage years.

In relation to your brother, you should have replied something. At least to tell him that yes it made a big difference to the party. Just be honest.
And possibly that him bailing out on you at the last minute is not on. Talk to the man.

I feel like this was the final straw for you which is why you're mentioning all these other things he does - although the party infuriated you, it seems like it's all the other stuff that's been grating on you too which I totally understand and it must be really irritating.
However I agree - your mum shouldn't have to intervene and you shouldn't have ignored the texts. I can see why you did you were probably so furious you just couldn't bring yourself to discuss it with him.
with everything your mum has gone through health wise I don't think it's fair for her to be expected to step in here, you should sit
your brother down and have a chat with him about his behaviour and how it really upset you - otherwise your resentment towards him about this and everything else is just going to keep festering!

Ah, just realised you must've meant 5 months - sorry OP.

I do think it's hard when other family members are less invested in keeping in touch than others. Unfortunately there's not a lot you can do about it except make sure your little girl has strong friendships outside the family. YANBU for feeling upset. Not surprised your mum hasn't got involved, though.

Yes you should have just been honest and said that as DD only had a few people coming anyway it would leave a huge hole at the party if her cousins were not there. He was behaving like a selfish flake and should have been told so. Perhaps he would have had a pang of conscience and come along after all, or his wife would come with the children at least. But by not replying to his text instead of facing up to him and calling him out on letting you down, you behaved like a passive aggressive sulker and allowed him to get off the hook and leave you looking like the unreasonable one.

Lesson learnt, I hope.

But I always did it as by inviting me they obviously wanted us there!
Same rule should have applied - I should not have had to beg him to come when I have always done it for his children

That's not really how invitations work. You don't have to go just because you've been invited. You chose to go. He doesn't have to make the same decision just because you have.

OP, you don't have to attend every fight you are invited to!

It is a long journey, and if you were going to be meeting up at your mother's anyway then I can see why they would want to skip the journey. Are your brother's children girls too or are they boys (who might not be so interested in a Princess party).

It sounds as if your DD had a fab, glamorous party with the Princesses so that's the success to focus on there. It is completely unreasonable to expect your mother to intervene in this dispute though.

If you don't want to travel at Christmas (which I completely agree with) then don't - but you are not even sure if your brother will be there anyway (in one post you say he hasn't committed yet, in another you say it will be awkward meeting up with him) but even if you do run into each other - it's just one party. It's not the end of the world and your DD had a fab time anyway without him which bodes well for the future if he doesn't come again

greenfolder
Final straw was when youngest was 5 and I invited them all over for the afternoon at 1.00 they arrived at 5 because watching the grand prix is more important than a 5 year old son party

I would have poisoned them.

greenfolder
Final straw was when youngest was 5 and I invited them all over for the afternoon at 1.00 they arrived at 5 because watching the grand prix is more important than a 5 year old son party

I would have poisoned them.

I think your mum probably knows exactly what he is like and secretly agrees with you on many issues, but as a mother it's very hard to be openly critical of your own child, especially to your other child - it feels disloyal and gives your other children ammunition to fire back at you or the sibling at a later date. It's really best to try to not get embroiled in critical discussions about one child with the other.

1. Your brother sounds a twat
2. You've every right to be pissed off that a he cancelled after saying he was coming to the party.
3. Your mum has got nothing to do with any of this. She's right to stay out of it.
4. Stop driving all the way over to your nieces and nephews parties if you don't want to go.
5. Carry on with Xmas as normal, he's the one who should be embarrassed but you need to take the moral high ground and just get in with it.