to be surprised my mum hasn't pulled up by brother over this?! Upset 5 year old 😢

[Mumofaboy123]

So the long and short of it is that I'm 35, brother is 45, we both have similar age children and he lives 2 minitues down the road from her whilst I live 75 miles away.
I visit her every second Sunday and have done since she retired 2 years ago, whilst she has never travelled the 1 hour 20 mins on a train to see me - she is a fit and healthy 63 year old in case relevant.
I'm not very close to my brother but up until now we've both made an effort for the kids parties, he's always come to mine and vice versa.
Even before my mum lived near him, we would all get the train together to travel to the parties - all in winter may I add.
This year my daughter was turning 5; very soon after starting school, but she wanted a party so we hired a hall and had princesses come along to entertain the children.
We done food and party bags, hot cakes made and so on so not cheap but her cousins, 2 girls of 5 and 8 were very excited to come.
The plan was that after the party, I would drive up to my mums and stay over as my husband was away on business on the Sunday and my brother had to go straight home after the party as his children have a tutor on a Sunday afternoon.
2 days before the party, my sister in law texts me saying that it is probably best if they just see the kids to give their presents when I get to my mums, it's a long journey and my brother has been asked to help football coach for the school on Saturday.
I www so shocked and to be honest pretty annoyed that I didn't reply.
The day before the party, my brother texts saying if you really want us there let us know but either way I'm letting someone down now so don't want to make the call.
Again, I didn't reply.
The party had been booked 6 months ahead of time and to be quite frank I don't think the message should have ever been sent, so the fact he even questioned not coming made me realise he clearly wasn't interested so what's the point in him coming.
My daughter was terribly upset when they didn't turn up on the day so we told her they had caught a sick bug.
I'm not at all surprised by my brothers antics, he's incredibly selfish and has seen my mum go through cancer without so much of an offer to take her to hospital ( luckily only skin cancer but 4 ops to remove it all ) and instead watched me do the 150 mile round trip whilst my husband had to take unpaid leave to collect the kids from school / pre school.
Not that it's relevant but they are very well off, 2 cars and a massive house.
There was nothing stopping her putting the kids in the car and coming to the party if my brother couldn't possibly not help out at football training.
I'm just hurt and surprised that my mum is playing this all down and hasn't questioned what he's done.
She said yesterday that at 30 and 40 years old she shouldn't need to intervene and that she still expects me to drive there for Xmas, knowing full well he will be there which is incredibly awkward as I haven't heard from him since - he dropped the presents into my mum that morning and I texted him thankyou for the money and that was the last contact we had.
What are your views on this?
I have 2 children and cannot imagine allowing one to treat the other and worse still a little 5 year old girl in such a way without at least asking what he was playing at?!

I don't think they wanted to come to the party. Think you may have to move past the fact they don't want to be in each other's lives.

Do what's right for you and ask your mum to visit you for the weekend instead or Christmas.

I can see why you are upset, as he sounds like an absolute selfish prat. Yes you have to sort it out between you, not involve your mother. Next time, have a party in your area, and don't invite them, just say its a class party. Do a little tea at yours if they want to come.

Life is busy, and short. Plans change, sometimes unavoidably, and people do the best they can to juggle, and there are often complicating factors behind the scenes. Less often, I think, do people set out to hurt others or offend. It sounds as though they tried to give you a diplomatic solution and suggestion. Not ideal, disappointing, but not worth embroiling yourself in a family feud over. Let this one go, there is a lot to lose and little to gain from continuing. Breathe, and push past it. Hope your DD enjoyed her party, sounds lovely!

It was passive aggressive of you not to reply to their texts, deliberately escalating the issue. The party might have been the most important thing for you but they have other priorities. Your post is full of snide comments and suspect that attitude comes across. Did you go to your dm's afterwards, and let them know to come over? You told your dd they were sick, so just how is she upset?

Wow !
I think people are being really harsh on you OP.
I understand you were angry with your brother. I wonder if he was jealous of your girl's party ?

Also, even if you are both in your 30s and 40s, ideally it would be great if your mother stepped in to help here. But if that's not going to happen , for whatever reason, why not try and sort it out before Christmas .

Before you all get together you could phone your brother and say that you were angry and why. Just that and no more. My twopenneth.

Take care.

To make a few points clear,
The skin cancer was horrendous in my eyes hence me going with her and doing the 150 mike round trip to take her even if it were just a consultation
She doesn't have a partner so I didn't want her to do any of it alone
I didn't reply to his text as he had key my child down with 2 bloody days notice after mr making the effort to go to every party of his children for the past 8 years
He had agreed to come 6 months before and I had checked only the week before they were coming for him to reply " wouldn't miss it for the world "
The fact he even tried to get out of it showed he didn't want to come, I wasn't about to start begging him to.
He treats everyone like crsp to be honest and always has
He walked out on his other son aged 5 with his affair with current wife came to light and never maintained contact so I'm not sure why I expected my children to be important to him,
I've maintained s civil relationship up until now for the sake of my mother and the only arguments we've had have been over my mum calling me in tears after him and his wife have reduced her to tears over nonsense - perhaps I shouldn't have got involved then but normal loyalty means I did but clearly expecting the same from her is wrong

Why on earth would a 45 year old man be jeoulous of a 5 year old girls party Saymwa???

There if no such thing as s discussion with him, he flies off the handle and then cuts people out of his life for years on end
My mum is terrified of him doing it again which is probably partly why he behaves the way he does

What on earth do you expect your Mum to do?

You caused this by not replying to his text in the first place. You could have texted back, "Yes we'd really like you to come." Then none of this would be happening. He asked and you didn't answer. Sometimes you've just got to say what you mean.

In other news, I don't know how keen I would be to drive 150 miles to go to a kids' birthday party when something else I'd rather do popped up.

Draw a line under it and move on.

He has nothing to be jealous of his kids have far more then mine including extravagant parties as they both have very good careers and he inherited s lot with his dad passed away

Good god, you don't need to have your mum step in! You are both adults. I understand you were a bit upset about the party but all the sulking? Too much.
Talk to your brother. Tell him you feel he should have helped your mum a bit rather than leave it to you. The rest is a big overreaction & the only person making Christmas is you.

Still seems 6 of one half a dozen of the other to me.

And you definitely shouldn't expect your mum to intervene and put herself in the firing line if you think he'll fly off the handle at her instead of you.

Not to say I don't understand your feelings on this...I do. But you did have an opportunity to have it go your dd's way and you chose not to take it out of huffy puffiness.

If you don't reply to people's texts, they won't know what you want. I'd have replied or rung him and said my daughter was really looking forward to them coming. Am I right thinking two of his daughters (twins?) are the same age as your DD? I'd have thought they wanted to go.

If you wanted him there, you should have told him rather than ignored him and tried to whinge to your mum afterwards! It's the kids who are supposed to act like they are 5, isn't it?

Also, please don't refer to it as only skin cancer - it killed my grandmother and has seen both myself and my mother need numerous procedures - there's no 'only' about it.

If you don't live nearby then I can understand why you wouldn't want to take your dc to a party. It's much nicer for cousins to have family time separate from a bigger party.

But your problem is you feel you go out of your way to do things for your family and travel to see them/help them, but they don't return the favour. I would say it is just their expectations are different and that you have no control over that. Your mum just happens to live near your brother. If she lived near you, it would be your brother who wouldn't see her as often.

I would think that with your dm's illness you probably would have done the same even if your brother was taking time out to help too, as you sound like the sort of person who would do that for people. But not everyone is like that. Also, your brother sounds busy in his area with the football committments etc.

The situation looks like you were so unbothered by him coming that you couldn't even be bothered to reply to his text.

Oh, dear.

Even as children, my siblings and I sorted things among ourselves.
Be a grown up and don't make your mother pick sides, FGS.

Why didn't you text him back? Grow up.

If you had just replied to the bloody text and said yes actually I want you there none of this would have happened.

Get a fucking grip.
And it still has nothing to do with your mum.
You are grown ups not 10.

I still don't get why you didn't reply to the texts saying how much it meant to you if your that bothered. Sometimes things do come up and even best laid plans change, your lack of reply gave an impression of not caring if he went so of course he will have gone with the other plan. Especially if like for most of us a child's birthday party isn't exactly the top of the lists of how to spend a weekend!

Don't stick your poor mum in the middle of this.

I think some Posters are being overly harsh. It's hurtful for your brother to just not turn up, particularly when you've made the effort for him and he said he'd come. It is hurtful when people start dropping out of your children's parties.

However, I get the impression you want your mum to tell him
Off which is ridiculous

I think your mum is right to stay out of it, what can she possibly gain by taking sides?
I think it's an overreaction to a children's party, disappointing yes but I think if you really wanted him there you should have replied to his text.

Just read the bit about him abandoning his son. How sad for that boy. I wonder if there is more to it than him being a selfish arse, but I can't see any other reason as to why someone walks away from a child without a fight for access. So sad. Having an abandoned child myself it is horrible for them, they go through all sorts of self esteem problems because they blame themselves for a parent losing interest. In my case I have done all I can to faciliate access, but still it falls on deaf ears. Does the boy have any contact with his cousins eg your dc? Or his grandparents (your dm)? He must be missed by you all. Is his mum happy to not have contact with your brother?