to be surprised my mum hasn't pulled up by brother over this?! Upset 5 year old 😢

[Mumofaboy123]

So the long and short of it is that I'm 35, brother is 45, we both have similar age children and he lives 2 minitues down the road from her whilst I live 75 miles away.
I visit her every second Sunday and have done since she retired 2 years ago, whilst she has never travelled the 1 hour 20 mins on a train to see me - she is a fit and healthy 63 year old in case relevant.
I'm not very close to my brother but up until now we've both made an effort for the kids parties, he's always come to mine and vice versa.
Even before my mum lived near him, we would all get the train together to travel to the parties - all in winter may I add.
This year my daughter was turning 5; very soon after starting school, but she wanted a party so we hired a hall and had princesses come along to entertain the children.
We done food and party bags, hot cakes made and so on so not cheap but her cousins, 2 girls of 5 and 8 were very excited to come.
The plan was that after the party, I would drive up to my mums and stay over as my husband was away on business on the Sunday and my brother had to go straight home after the party as his children have a tutor on a Sunday afternoon.
2 days before the party, my sister in law texts me saying that it is probably best if they just see the kids to give their presents when I get to my mums, it's a long journey and my brother has been asked to help football coach for the school on Saturday.
I www so shocked and to be honest pretty annoyed that I didn't reply.
The day before the party, my brother texts saying if you really want us there let us know but either way I'm letting someone down now so don't want to make the call.
Again, I didn't reply.
The party had been booked 6 months ahead of time and to be quite frank I don't think the message should have ever been sent, so the fact he even questioned not coming made me realise he clearly wasn't interested so what's the point in him coming.
My daughter was terribly upset when they didn't turn up on the day so we told her they had caught a sick bug.
I'm not at all surprised by my brothers antics, he's incredibly selfish and has seen my mum go through cancer without so much of an offer to take her to hospital ( luckily only skin cancer but 4 ops to remove it all ) and instead watched me do the 150 mile round trip whilst my husband had to take unpaid leave to collect the kids from school / pre school.
Not that it's relevant but they are very well off, 2 cars and a massive house.
There was nothing stopping her putting the kids in the car and coming to the party if my brother couldn't possibly not help out at football training.
I'm just hurt and surprised that my mum is playing this all down and hasn't questioned what he's done.
She said yesterday that at 30 and 40 years old she shouldn't need to intervene and that she still expects me to drive there for Xmas, knowing full well he will be there which is incredibly awkward as I haven't heard from him since - he dropped the presents into my mum that morning and I texted him thankyou for the money and that was the last contact we had.
What are your views on this?
I have 2 children and cannot imagine allowing one to treat the other and worse still a little 5 year old girl in such a way without at least asking what he was playing at?!

yabu to want your mum involved. she is right that you are both adults and should sort it out yourselves.

horrible that he abandoned his kid though .

Ok, your brother is inclined to be unreliable and self centered .
You are seething with resentment at him over a list of issues.
You can't change him, only your response to him.
You could have called and said 'dd is REALLY looking forward to her cousins at the party'
You could have given your dd notice that they wouldn't be there , let her down gently and bigged up seeing them when you went up the next day; you could have taken a cake to have with your Mum and your neices.
You could pro actively invite your Mum to yours instead of making the long journey every fortnight, and if she won't come , once in a whole tell her you are too busy. She is only 62 and hopefully we'll after her treatment. Many people her age and circumstance are doing demanding f/t jobs involving more travel than that!

I am not saying your brother doesn't behave badly, but you will feel stronger snd happier if you free yourself from doing stuff, feeling like a martyr and a victim and then waging a passive aggressive war of resentment. Not replying to the text was passive aggressive .

Please do not try to drag your Mum into this.

I concur with the others - children's parties are inconsequential except to the child involved. As the children get older they have less interest in younger children's events. You need to get over it & keep your mother out of it. The fact that you booked the party 6 months in advance is really precious.

OP, you're projecting your feelings about what family "should" be like onto your DD - don't make a thing about it to her but let her find her own friends and independence in life as family not only don't always behave in a way we'd like but they share our history so can push buttons as no-one else can.

She'll be much happier in the long run if she doesn't carry these expectations of family.

And your SIL may have other things to do at the weekend than drive 75 miles to a 5 year old's party. Utterly over the top reaction. And lying to your DD wasn't great either.

I find that people rate THEIR DCs parties but don't seem to see other DCs' in the same light.

And ime men don't rate birthday parties as much as DMs.

I also find the first born in the family gets more attention and effort than the following. So first DGC would be fussed over, fourth not so much.

I can see you are disappointed but he just doesn't care as much so is not going to see that it is a big let down for your DCs.

I would start down-playing the cousins relationship with your DCs and if you happen to meet up with them make an effort but you should not make them special in your DCs lives. As their parents aren't going to follow up.

Your DB being unhelpful to your DM when she is ill is also parr for the course ime. One family member falls over themselves to be supportive and kind - the others do buggar all much less. If you are the kind one you have to decide if you can put up with the others doing little and decide - do you help a lot and feel angry at the others, or do you do as much as fits in with your life. If your DM is not grateful for the support you give I would cut back, especially if you are getting annoyed.

DM seems to favour DB, not much you can do. Be less involved is probably the best idea.

All the other stuff you said is irrelevant the issue isn't that but the party that he didn't attend, if he had attended you wouldn't of brought all this up.

It's a party at the end of the day not the end of the world. To be honest kids partys are not my idea of fun especially if they have to factor travelling time. You might be prepared to travel doesn't mean they have to.

The fact you choose to meantion his little boy further on says a lot. How do you think he feels when he's own father doesn't acknowledge his birthday not so much as a present or a card and your moaning that he didn't attend his nieces birthday . If my DB had a child and didn't acknowledge them I would be doing my best to maintain a relationship with that child and go NC with my DB not moaning about how hard done by my kids are by their uncle.

You should have replied to the texts.

You should have warned your daughter after the first text.

Leave your mum out of it.

Both you and you brother sound very childish.

YABU

Yabu, you should have replied saying you wanted him there after first text. You also should have told your dad after first text that he may not have been able go come

frankly you escalated it, if you hadn't be silly and not responded he may have come and no angst.

Agree with your mum you're adults, you sort it out

I was an aunt before having my own children and I moved away from my family. I was the caring aunt who visited and spoilt DNs with time and money. When I had my own DCs I had to accept that my siblings where never going to reciprocate for many reasons. I had to draw a line I do not regret the effort I made but if I want any sort of relationship I have to let the disappointment of their lack of interest go.

I wonder if he was jealous of your girl's party

Snort...Yes, I am sure that was the issue, not the 70 mile drive for a kid's birthday party.

I bet the OP's mother has had enough after years of this kind of thing.

I can see why you were annoyed at him for cancelling last minute, but not replying to his texts was childish.
Why would your mum get involved? Your relationship with your brother isn't hers to sort out. My brother died at 27 but we would never have dreamed of involving our parents in disputes prior to that (not since we were about 8 anyway!)

You're 30's and40's, why would your mum be involved? Although I don't see the issue, they only missed a party, which they told you about in advance, you chose to ignore then, you were rude too.

Sorry, missed the bit about him upsetting your DM. But your DM could move away, he and his DW are at fault, but your DM is not doing anything to improve her situation. And why doesn't she visit you? Was your DF selfish like DB?

The only person who's getting let down here is his poor little boy

I agree with previous posters that you are being ridiculous. When children reach school age they are constantly going to parties, it gets very tedious, you've admitted that your brother and you aren't close and you don't seem to think much of him or SIL so why such a big deal about them attending the party? If you see your mum so much then why not take your DD with you sometimes and maybe she could meet with the cousins and play at DMs house if you want them to have a relationship? Otherwise just get over it. Plenty of people only see family out of duty, I'm not sure I'd recognise my cousins if I saw them in the street, we only saw them once a year as children and very rarely as adults. My son has never met his cousin as he lives abroad, not the end of the world. You need to grow up and stop trying to force your idea of extended family togetherness on everyone else, just focus on your own husband and kids. Why not have your mum visit you for Christmas instead of having a big, awkward get together?

Sorry OP, but you created this mess by not talking with your brother. He found he had a clashed timetable and you chose to act silly with the silent treatment. Call him and apologise for the silence and not responding to the messages.

Your poor mum, still expected to mediate sibling squabbles when her kids are middle-aged. What do,you think she should do?mstop his pocket money or send him to sit on the naughty step.

Hoik up your big girl pants and talk to your brother yourself....or even better, just don't.

Myself and mother have s good relationship with the child he doesn't see.
He is 16 now and we see him often
My brother made a new life and didn't want contact, there's all there was to that story
He didn't speak to my mum or I for years as felt we were disloyal to him by maintaining contact with his ex partner to see the child even though I was only a teenager at the time
I think people are missing the point that he confirmed to the party a week before and then cancelled 2 days before, the initial message was not whether we would like him there which really was pretty obvious as we had invited him and said the week before how much our daughter was looking forward to seeing his children so I didn't think his lousy message not even originally from him but from his wide saying the drive was too far was reasonable after we had spent money on party bags etc for his children
I don't have a father, he split with my mother when I was a baby and never maintained contact
She wouldn't visit if we didn't go to her, she looks after my Nan all week so I felt it fairer for me to do the journey
My brother sees her once every few months generally for her to babysit his children if they are doing to a work event or something despite living a mile apart
My daughter was told they wouldn't be there, we did warn her and when she was crying we then said they didn't feel well.
Didn't stop her being very upset on the day, she only had 3 kids from school that could make it as only a few weeks into term so not much notice could be given and 6 out of school friends

I think you caused this problem yourself by not replying to his texts. That was petulant and by doing so you gave him the impression that you weren't bothered, so no wonder he chose the other activity.

Also the football training thing was probably untrue seeing as it wasn't the first excuse given I think personally
My mum won't come to us for Xmas she doesn't drive and insists we have to see her Xmas day itself
My husband offered to drive up collect her and bring her back - she said no in case brother wanted to pop in she wouldn't be home if with us

I get why you are miffed about your brother letting you down at short notice, but I can see how circumstances could have changed and doing a 150 round trip for a 5-year olds party just wasn't practical. I also wonder if you were a tad over-invested in the event (I've never heard of anyone booking a kids birthday party 6 months ahead of time). Yes in an ideal world he should have made the effort to come, but it's not worth a big falling out over. I also agree with your mother that you need to sort this out amongst yourselves, and it's not fair to involve her in taking sides.

She said yesterday that at 30 and 40 years old she shouldn't need to intervene

She's absolutely right. It's not her problem or her business. I'm sorry your brother and SIL let you down and didn't prioritise a longstanding arrangement with you and your DD over other things but it's hardly your mum's job to sort it out for you.

...and that she still expects me to drive there for Xmas, knowing full well he will be there which is incredibly awkward as I haven't heard from him since - he dropped the presents into my mum that morning and I texted him thankyou for the money and that was the last contact we had.

Your brother gave you the chance to ask him to prioritise your party over the football thing. You didn't reply. You should have - it would have cleared the air sooner.

I think it will only be awkward at Christmas if you choose to make it awkward. I imagine your brother and SIL are not giving it nearly as much head space as you are. I would be irritated too, but it is really worth spoiling Christmas over? Just drop it, act like nothing has happened but remember where his priorities lie in future and perhaps don't bother to invite the cousins to the party next time. If anyone questions it just say 'well after last year I thought it's obviously too far for you to come so I thought I'd just leave it in future.' I doubt they will be that bothered.

I have 2 children and cannot imagine allowing one to treat the other and worse still a little 5 year old girl in such a way without at least asking what he was playing at?!

That's because you have children. Your mother has adults. You'll get it one day. And I imagine you were more disappointed about this than your DD was.

OP, you asked if YWBU and the overwhelming majority beloved yes you were. It's never nice to feel let down but as PP have mentioned you could've simply replied to his text and he would've brought his girls. Instead you ignored it, acting childishly and perhaps giving him the impression that you didn't care. This has all been said to you but you aren't paying attention or accepting these viewpoints.
Sorry but YABU!!!