to not be gushing and enthusiastic about their apologies?

[Shamalamalam]

MiL and SiL have upset me quite a lot. MiL (not heard from SiL) has apologies, I've said OK. I'm not sure what else they want from me, but apparently it looks like I'm sulking.

To give a bit of background, I'm quite crafty - I love sewing, knitting, etc, and in my own family we give each other lots of handmade gifts. I know not everyone appreciates homemade gifts, so I've always just kept this to my own family, unless people have directly commented or outright asked me for something

Anyway, on Friday MiL sent out a group email asking if we knew what our plans were for Christmas.

MiL and SiL then emailed each other throughout the day, but have obviously done the classic error of "reply all" instead of just replying to each other, so I (and DH and half a dozen other family members) get a whole load of emails calling me smug, hoping they wouldn't get one of my crappy homemade gifts again this year.

MiL has rung and apologised. She obviously feels bad, but I don't think it's up to me to make her feel better.

Good advice from those advocating dignified silence, withdrawing a bit etc.
You can still be polite and it will be interesting to see how they react to DH's gifts!

Try not to dwell on the hurt though. They sound a bit emotionally stuck - in teenage behaviour. They sound like they are greedy. They also clearly love gossiping and bitching - probably about everyone. It's not really about you.

You have seen their worst side now and they know it. Don't totally right them off though, they might have a good side too. Women can be greedy and bitchy but have other good qualities. Only time will tell.

Apology aschmology.
I would quite happily nurse a grudge against that pair of bitches until they are in their cold, cold graves.

I would tell them you don't really accept crappy, smug "homemade" apologies, only shop bought, the sort that come with flowers, wine, chocolates, balloons with 'sorry' on them... They will understand.

This!!! Brilliant!!!

To be honest, the problem from MiL's point of view anyway, is that I'm not making a big enough deal out of it.

I'm not really sulking, it upset me and it is hurtful reading stuff like that about yourself, but I don't know what they want from me.

Because I'm not gushing, I'm "sulking". I've not refused to accept her apology, or started WW3. I've never been gushy. They've known me for 25 years for goodness sake

It only happened on Friday. MiL called Friday night. She then called DH last night, I wouldn't have normally interacted with her in that time, she usually rings and speaks to DH or she'll email. I don't know why I'm supposedly 'sulking' or not speaking to her. The only interaction we've had over the weekend is that she liked a photo I posted on FB of us dressed up at a Halloween party.

I agree that it's textbook 'victim blaming'.

I'd reply to the group email:

'The handmade gifts I have given were ones specially requested by you so I am a bit puzzled? never mind, I shall know in future.'

this makes it very clear that they are bitching about stuff they asked for (idiots as well as nasty) and also that you are being very gracious about it.

I have never bought anything for my in laws except for framed pics of DH and the kids which they do appreciate. They are from a different part of the country and a different social class so our tastes are different. I'm sure they take the piss out of me. Luckily I've never seen anything in writing. We've grown to respect each other over the years so you never know.

would quite happily nurse a grudge against that pair of bitches until they are in their cold, cold graves

Look if they really fucking hated you, you would know by now?? surely?

and whilst I advocate "dignified silence" that also allows time to pass, your initial hurt to subside and you decide how you want to handle this relationship moving forward , and some mild passive aggressivity I think is justifiable

i.e. you don't fucking get their presents this year, and you are "busy" when they want their next free holiday

I have RTWT now...

x post with onenerfwar - that's brilliant!

I think OP has acted with dignity- she has accepted the apology offered whilst not downplaying her hurt. SIL has not even bothered to apologise.

MIL has then come back and said OP is sulking. It seems MIL would like OP to make a big show of accepting her apology so that she feels better. Again, MIL is showing no regard for OP and her feelings.

So, I don't really see why OP should make any further efforts with MIL or SIL unless or until she feels like it. Obviously, she needs to be polite, but that's it. So, for instance no more coming to stay for holidays- they can come to visit DH and the GC but might have to stay elsewhere (or DH runs around after them).

I think one PP said they probably liked her but were just bitching- whilst I agree we all do that on occasion, I don't think that her MIL is showing signs of actually really caring about her. That's not solely because of the bitchy emails but because MIL has shown no regard for OPs feelings having already been very unkind about her. If she really valued OP, she'd be thoroughly sorry for the hurt caused, apologise and let OP come round in her own time.

Good for you - don't overthink it, move on with the only difference being that dh is now responsible for buying presents for his family.

They want you to react, and I hate how they are trying to make you appear like the villain when the reality is quite the opposite.

No further reaction from you is called for at all - and that's absolutely not the same as sulking. They clearly have way too much time on their hands. Let dh tell them this if they keep pressing the point.

And, as others have said, either don't have them to stay again, or ensure that your dh is the one who organises and hosts now that you've seen their true colours.

Havent RTFT dont have time right now.....but what strikes me is that they are not sorry for what they said. They are sorry they got caught.

I am not sure I could forgive that and wouldnt spend christmas seeing them.

Just looked up Waldorf dolls. They are beautiful. No wonder they asked for one. The cheek of it. Like another poster said I think the gifts they are bitching about are the ones your kids make. Silly immature women.

MIL is upset because she has been caught out and that other people know about it - it seems like she wants you to make everything OK for her and pretend it was no problem. But why should you?

I thought it was also astonishing that MIL was mocking the stuff that your kids make for her! What sort of grandparent does this?

It definitely seems that she is more upset about being caught than what she actually said - especially now she is trying to make you the bad person.

My own DM was caught doing something similar - mocking and blaming our parenting because we had a child with autism ... and no I never really felt the same about her after that

I really feel for you, OP. I'd be devastated at this. FWIW I wish you were my SiL as your gifts sound wonderful! Handmade blanket, anyone?!

www.toilettwinning.org/ might be an idea. My mil was too busy being up herself one year and we all, including the toddlers, got charity donations like a goat or a toilet for Christmas and were expected to smile sweetly. The effort I put into presents for mil thereafter diminished significantly.

Gosh nasty pair.
Well they have just made Christmas and birthday gifts very easy. I would only give a generic, not thought out gift going forward, wine, chocolates or smellys.

Let them sweat!

I'd be tempted to take the extreme PA approach and call MIL up all cheery, saying 'DH said you were still feeling upset about those emails, MIL? Don't worry, I'd practically forgotten about them! Anyway, I just wanted to check that you weren't stewing over all that nonsense. Oh dear, someone's at the door - must dash, byeeeee.'

That will confuse her MASSIVELY. Double points if you can make sure DH is in earshot when you say it because then he'll be all 'Sham's FINE Mum, I heard her talking to you about it all. Why are you still making such a fuss?'

Then be FAR too busy with your new hobby of windsurfing/squirrel's rights activism to have any time at all for present buying oh dear, had to delegate to DH. #sosad

Just to clarify, have you always given MIL & SIL stuff that you have made as presents, or only when asked?

" I would only give a generic, not thought out gift going forward, wine, chocolates or smellys."

I wouldn't mind any of those!

You are still awaiting an apology from SIL then aren't you? Where is she in all this?

PP are right, they are sorry for being caught, and by turning round and accusing you of sulking they are shifting the blame completely.

What is your DP's stance on this for holiday visits next month? Personally I'd want DP to send the presents up by post and I'd be staying at home to enjoy my own family than schlepping it up to see people that are downright nasty to me.

Although it might be worth for one last time knitting them some Christmas jumpers with "I'm a big mouth twat" on the front.

Have you told your family?

I would reply to all - telling MIL and SIL that you're disappointed but not surprised at their rudeness and that you think it best there is no gift swapping between you and they any further.

Or just send it to MIL and SIL.

Ineed, that sounds great in theory but, for someone who can't knit like me, it sounds an awful lot of work! They're not worth it.

I'd be well happy to receive a gift that was handmade and done with thought and care rather then just a credit card exercise on Amazon or with the weekly shop.

Still at least you now know where you stand and what shes like etc

However just goes to show that e-mails need trimming sometimes. We made a small killing a while ago because i scrolled right down an e-mail and there was a quote from a competing company the mail sender didn't realise they'd sent silly
sods!

Their loss our gain:-)

BTW OP if you do what to send a grateful recipient a woolly jumper I'll gladly send over my measurements;)