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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not be gushing and enthusiastic about their apologies?

390 replies

Shamalamalam · 01/11/2016 08:32

MiL and SiL have upset me quite a lot. MiL (not heard from SiL) has apologies, I've said OK. I'm not sure what else they want from me, but apparently it looks like I'm sulking.

To give a bit of background, I'm quite crafty - I love sewing, knitting, etc, and in my own family we give each other lots of handmade gifts. I know not everyone appreciates homemade gifts, so I've always just kept this to my own family, unless people have directly commented or outright asked me for something

Anyway, on Friday MiL sent out a group email asking if we knew what our plans were for Christmas.

MiL and SiL then emailed each other throughout the day, but have obviously done the classic error of "reply all" instead of just replying to each other, so I (and DH and half a dozen other family members) get a whole load of emails calling me smug, hoping they wouldn't get one of my crappy homemade gifts again this year.

MiL has rung and apologised. She obviously feels bad, but I don't think it's up to me to make her feel better.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Katisha · 01/11/2016 12:07

This is absolutely the situation to start deploying the charity goats.

BeMorePanda · 01/11/2016 12:09

The sulking comment is beyond the pale - Oh please do give MIL & SIL lumps of coal for Xmas OP.

Perhaps you could add a bit of glitter first Grin just to illustrate how you are not sulking and have indeed kept a sense of humour about the whole thing. Then you can demand they find it hilarious, and of curse don't sulk about it.

Clandestino · 01/11/2016 12:13

How about Argos vouchers for this year?

YuckYuckEwwww · 01/11/2016 12:14

OP how many ILs do you have?
If we each donated that thing at the back of the present drawer that never gets given to anyone, you should be sorted for their gifts!

yellowfrog · 01/11/2016 12:15

I don't think they "want" anything from you as such, they are feeling guilty and like with a scab, they are picking it - ie calling your DH to keep on about how you are taking it because they know they are in the wrong and they can't think of anything else to do. Think no more of them, and if they keep on, tell DH to reply with "are you still going on about this - guilty consciences hurt don't they!

Your gifts sounds fab by the way!!

newyorker74 · 01/11/2016 12:18

I once took a really nice photo of my mother in law and her mum. I was doing a course in photography at the time so took a few evenings to develop, blow up, fix and print a black and white copy of the photo. Purchase two nice frames and gave a copy to both of them for Xmas. My MIL mothers response? "I never liked photos of myself. that won't be going up". So ungrateful. I was taught to smile, say thank you and find something nice to say about every gift.

starsorwater · 01/11/2016 12:28

What do they get you?

Your presents sound gorgeous.

A very similar thing happened to me recently with a family member (except no apology). You are right, you can't unhear/unread something. I thought we got on fine.

Bland politeness is the only way forward that I can think of, and NO MORE PRESENTS!

SitsOnFence · 01/11/2016 12:34

Someone up thread said they can like you without liking your gifts which is absolutely true, but there is a big difference between admitting you don't like a gift and calling someone smug! That kind of implies that they don't like you either.

Or, explained more simply, the difference is:

"Have you decided what to ask Sham for yet? I don't want to hurt her feelings but I'm just not into handmade stuff and I don't want to her to pour hours of her time into yet another blanket that will just end up in languishing a drawer"

versus

"I'll probably ask for another of her twee-as-shit blankets. At least I can hide it and she still gets to look all smug and virtuous as she hands it over"

The problem is not whether or not they like your gifts (which sound awesome, by the way!) The problem is that you now know that they dislike you.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 01/11/2016 12:37

I wouldn't accept the apology tbh as it was still said and they are apologising as they were caught not because they mean it. I would also distance myself and my family from them.

Narnia72 · 01/11/2016 12:39

I'd be very tempted to make 4 cushion covers out of the nastiest polyester I could find as follows

For an amazing Sister-in-Law
For an amazing Mother-in-Law
For an amazing Uncle
For an amazing Granny

Make sure they're in order....

Or simply 2 cushion covers with "I forgive you for being a" in the smallest embroidery possible and then "COMPLETE CUNT" in the biggest.

You could post them on fb for approval = that way you're definitely not sulking!

VenusRising · 01/11/2016 12:44

Well, get your embroidery needle out and give them the following!

to not be gushing and enthusiastic about their apologies?
to not be gushing and enthusiastic about their apologies?
to not be gushing and enthusiastic about their apologies?
NovemberInDailyFailLand · 01/11/2016 12:46

Cake! Everyone likes a nice homemade cake.

to not be gushing and enthusiastic about their apologies?
CreepyContessaDiPlump · 01/11/2016 12:47

Venus that is amazing Grin

liquidrevolution · 01/11/2016 12:52

Did I read somewhere on mumsnet about cunt bunting? I think you can actually order it if you can't be arsed to make your own.

So tempted myself as a pressie for the bitchMIL

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 01/11/2016 12:53

Gosh how horrible. I'm inclined to agree with pp that you don't call people you actually like 'smug'. Nor do you say they're sulking when you've just fucked them over.

Completely outrageous that your SIL hasn't called! She's either a total coward or a total cunt.

EtTuTuttiFrutti · 01/11/2016 12:55

Give them big boxes of chocolates and face cream with a lovely hand made tag.
MIL:
I bought you a tonne of cheap chocolate in the hope that you wouldn't be such a sour old cow, and so that your arse is cushioned whilst you're sitting judging other people xxx
SIL:
I've bought an industrial sized tub of face cream for your two faces.xxx

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 01/11/2016 12:55

Venus, that made me howl laughing!
OP, perhaps some books about manners would be in order? Post them, don't bother seeing them in person at Christmas. your gifts sound ace. I do a lot of crafts and I was a little narked when the handknitted cashmere blanket I made for someone was put in their dog's bed, so I do get it. Slagging you off like that was just plain nasty.

SerendipityPhenomenon · 01/11/2016 12:59

I'd be tempted to self-publish a book (two copies only) about email etiquette. It would have a chapter about not sending nasty messages to the subject of those messages, and it would say: "Don't send spiteful messages in the first place. They say far more about you than they do about the subject of the messages."

bumsexatthebingo · 01/11/2016 13:00

Not read the whole thread but you've every right to be upset. I don't think one of them would have emailed the other comments like that unless they knew the other was in full agreement. This is clearly how they think of you and discuss you in private. The relationship can't recover now you know this. The best you can do is be civil for the sake of your dh and the kids. They are only sorry that they got caught.

Jboure · 01/11/2016 13:02

I would get your dh to tell them you would like a public apology sent to all recipient's of the email. In it , they have to clarify that the only hand made gifts you gave them were ones they asked from. The rest was goodies made by the kids.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 01/11/2016 13:05

I don't get the "truth is out there" one Blush

HarryPottersMagicWand · 01/11/2016 13:06

Just ignore her. You know you aren't sulking (I would be, it was incredibly shitty of them) and you thanked her for apologising so that's it, it's done. She's only doing this because she knows how much she Is in the wrong.

I used to hp choose MIL presents. The woman is impossibly to buy for and ungrateful so I stopped bother bother years ago. Now she gets a small box of chocolates or a tenner in a card from DH. I have no input as they are DH's family. He doesn't have input into the presents I buy for mine.

ClockBusCanada · 01/11/2016 13:07

Get them the cheapest most battered editions of Email for Dummies (or similar) off the Amazon marketplace for Christmas. You could have it sent to their houses with a message saying 'from all the family'.

ClockBusCanada · 01/11/2016 13:07

Or just rise above it all. You definitely have the moral high ground here.

HelloSunshines · 01/11/2016 13:08

Ugh, the old MIL and SIL behind the scenes stuff. Every now and then a mask slips and it's not pleasant.

Cannot believe they asked you for these things and then have the cheek to slate them. I think it's likely you make them feel inadequate because you are obviously so good at making things. Typically, they have put you down to feel good about themselves (either that or it was a really cheap joke that they actually didn't mean but knew it would get a laugh out of the other). I'd be fuming.

However. Do you get on with them the rest of the time? Bear in mind you'll have them around for the future to come so resist saying/doing anything you might regret. In my experience, people who do wrong first like this, then (enragingly) take umbrage when they get it back. It will be "oh we said sorry and (OP) is being difficult, it's hardly the end of the world, she's looking for a reason to be awkward". etc. So I personally would contain some of it and try to retain the high ground.