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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Gift for boyfriend was not well received

621 replies

Lottiegal · 31/10/2016 23:15

I'm divorced with three kids and have been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months. Things have been going pretty well so far and he seems committed etc. At the weekend was his 40th and we had dinner etc and some drinks. I'd deliberated for ages what to get him as a gift, originally we talked about going away but we couldn't find the time work and kids etc. He's a man of discerning taste, and we share a love of Scandinavia and good design, so I bought him an Aarne Jacobsen clock (a design classic) When he received it he thanked me and said it was a cool gift so I was pleased. Today though on the phone he said he was sorry he didn't like the gift and wanted to return it. I was a bit upset to be honest but hid my emotions and said I would return it. He then joked like 'what would I do with a clock, it's really not me' I felt hurt that I'd got it so wrong, and by his reaction. I did say I was upset that he didn't like it but he seemed almost annoyed that I'd got it for him.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/11/2016 08:32

Ah sorry, yes, expensive, ok, that could be the issue.

expatinscotland · 01/11/2016 08:38

'Is that not quite a gracious response? All these people slagging him off and saying you should dump him hmm'

And again:
'You're right it was probably too much early doors in the relationship. He did say we could return it and he could choose something else... that's when he mentioned he liked tech so maybe he did have that it mind 🤔 '

So don't feel bad Yvain. He's looking for a new gadget, OP.

After he pulled the 'Your presence is my present'.

YOU return it and then get him nowt.

YelloDraw · 01/11/2016 08:38

How very rude! Why didn't he just accept it without being hurtful?

It is not rude to say "thanks, I appreciate the thought but TBH i'm not a massive fan of the clock, it is so hard getting design for other people! Can we go and choose something together?"

However it iIS rude to be like "you don't know me, it's a shit gift"

I'd much rather my friends had somehting they LIKED not something they felt obligated ot have becase it was a gift.

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 08:40

Fuzzy if my very good friend spent £200 on a birthday present for me and bought me something I didn't like then I hope I would have the courage to say I don't like it. Like the OP''s boyfriend I too would suggest that we spent that money have a day out together and then knowing that she clearly wanted to buy me a birthday present and to help out, I might suggest she buys me something I like, not for £200, I don't read it that he wanted to OP to spend £200, in my case as I said above I would suggest flowers a book or maybe a plant for me garden. I just don't see why this is wrong. I know absolutely nothing about tech but surely you can buy something techy for £20? Maybe this us what the OP's BF had in mind.
I feel slightly sorry for this man. The OP very generously bought him a very expensive clock on the assumption he'd love it, when he gets it he thanks her, later on when he's on his own he looks at it and he realises it looks like the clock in his office and wonders why anyone would want one in their home not his thing and also discovers it was an expensive gift. Ok so he's not that knowledgable or appreciate Scandinavian designers but that's not a war crime. Now what does he do? Clearly display something he doesn't like in his home and hope maybe it will grow on him, hide it away and remember to get it out every time the OP come over, hang it somewhere it can't be seen, does he have that many rooms? Or alternatively he can be honest, frankly I don't like it. Take it back let's spend that money having a nice weekend together, if you want to buy me a gift buy me something techy. Is that really so awful?

TempusEedjit · 01/11/2016 08:41

If it's the same clock as Giselaw's photo then I can see why he might not like it. It's not unusual/nice enough to attract comment "Like the clock, where's it from?" "Oh Lottie got it for me, it's by X designer, isn't it cool" etc. Instead it just looks like a generic (cheap- sorry!) clock from anywhere. You said yourself you only bought it because you couldn't find anything else, it's not like you actually thought it looked good!

As to whether your bf's reaction was unreasonable, I think it depends on his attitude in general. If he's kind and thoughtful then maybe he just worded himself badly and dig a hole. If he's a thoughtless arse in other areas I'd take it as a red flag.

Toffeelatteplease · 01/11/2016 08:48

In the end I suggested he return the gift and spend the money on himself because that's who he was thinking of when he bought it.

This 100 times over. You bought it because you considered it the epitome of Scandinavian design. He didn't. You need to work out whether you want to spend that mUch money on a present for him or you wanted to buy the clock.

You bodged the present giving, he (arguably) bodged telling you. For some people either might be a deal breaker.

Personally if all else is going well I've no idea why you wouldn't just swap it together for something hed actually did like.

My2centsworth · 01/11/2016 08:50

Not that it matters but I think it is this clock. I really love it and much prefer it to elephant cushions.

Gift for boyfriend was not well received
Rachel0Greep · 01/11/2016 08:50

Maybe I'm a tightwad but I think that's a lot of money to spend on someone for their 40th, and in a six month relationship.

ChocolateWombat · 01/11/2016 08:53

The way he said it was quite insensitive, although TBH I think you do need to be able to tell your partner when you don't like something.

Perhaps he wasn't being critical of you and you just felt he was, because you were understandably over sensitive, having put a lot of thought into it. It will have been a tricky conversation for him to launch.

The thing is, that in relationships, we all say and do things that are hurtful to the other person - it's a reality. If this is occasional and not the norm, then I would just move on from it. If it's part of an overall pattern of behaviour, you might need to have a think about how you feel about it and if you are prepared to accept it or to tackle it...or not. I really dont think there's a right answer to this, because one persons slightly rude, is another persons totally unacceptably rude. The question is how much it bothers you and if it is part of an ongoing problem.

Honesty and communication is really important in relationships. Can you go back to him and say you were sorry he didn't like the clock, because you'd tried really hard to come up with something a bit different and special, but you'd like hi. To have something he will enjoy, so how about returning it together and choosing something else together. Turn this into a chance for him to realise you put real effor into it, but also tho do something together. Don't just seethe quietly in the background,mexpecting him to get the vibe and know you are hurt....but communicate it and look for a way forward. That is, is you want a. Way forward.

Damselindestress · 01/11/2016 08:55

His "you know I like tech" comment was completely at odds with him saying he just wanted to be with you for the weekend and didn't need gifts. To me someone basically saying, 'I don't like that, you know I like this' would imply he expected you to get him this instead. It's understandable if he felt uncomfortable with you spending so much on his gift but then why mention tech? That's not cheap!

I would take back the clock but not give him something of equivalent value, maybe a token gift like chocolates or aftershave instead. His reaction will tell whether he really did just want to spend time with you and didn't expect an expensive present or whether he wanted to get his hands on the value of the clock.

Lottiegal · 01/11/2016 09:02

I'm not that annoyed anymore that he didn't like it, like others said I was embarrassed I made such a mistake. I was more upset with his response, it was almost like he was making fun of me. If I think of the situation in reverse I know he would have been pretty pissed off if I had said the same to him in the manner he did. Saying that I messaged him that I was upset by his response and have had no come back in 12 hours so there you go.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/11/2016 09:02

"His "you know I like tech" comment was completely at odds with him saying he just wanted to be with you for the weekend and didn't need gifts. "

It is, isn't it?

Maybe he threw it out there for future reference?

Or in case Op still wants to buy him something?

Op, did you ask at all beforehand what he would like for his 40th, & if so, what dod he say?

Toffeelatteplease · 01/11/2016 09:05

Good grief is that the clock?!?! £200?!?!? faints Is the clockwork made of gold?

It really is ummm...

I really do pity the poor guy.

Six months and two hundred quid on something so individual taste. I have had trouble working out how to handle someone spending that much on me without checking I actually did like it first.

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 09:07

Why can't we give him the benefit of the doubt? He obviously knows the OP wants to buy him something, after all it is his birthday, he's suggested they have a weekend together, he guesses they'll go out and that the OP will want to have another go at buying him a birthday present. Maybe by suggesting a tech gift he's just trying to be helpful and prevent another embarrassing situation; the OP takes him into a Scandinavian interiors shop and tries to buy him something else he doesn't really like, this will make him look even more ungrateful when he has to decline it.

Toffeelatteplease · 01/11/2016 09:09

Actually don't think it's at odds at all.

I'd have rather just spend the time with you.

or if you are going to spend that much money on me why on earth didn't you buy me something you know I'd like like tech.

There two sides to the same why on either would you spend so much money on something you didn't know I'd like

Toffeelatteplease · 01/11/2016 09:10

why on earth not why on either

Lottiegal · 01/11/2016 09:10

Diddl yes I did ask and we were arranging a weekend away together but everything I suggested wasn't right so I gave up (now I'm thinking this was ungrateful) He said not to get him anything that he didn't want or need anything. He earns good money and is always buying himself 'treats' as he has no kids he can do that. I just wanted to give him a gift that would remind him of me! I'm Finnish and he loves Scandinavia so I guess I took it personally when he didn't appreciate the association in the gift.

As aforementioned I now just feel foolish for over investing in what I thought was a very close relationship. Perhaps I'm over reading into the situation but I can't help but feel he would know I would be upset if he wanted to return the gift

OP posts:
Roussette · 01/11/2016 09:11

If he's an ignorant arsehole, that makes my DH one then too! He would be honest with me and say if he didn't like something and as the years roll by you learn about each other and what suits and what doesn't.

I am totally on the bloke's side to be honest. In the dim and distant past I had a boyfriend who showered me with presents I didn't want and I found that far worse. He expected gratitude, love, endless appreciation etc and it always made me feel uncomfortable. I think spending that amount 6 months into a relationship is a tad more worrying than him saying it's not really to his taste and he'd much prefer to just spend time with you.

LyndaNotLinda · 01/11/2016 09:12

Well you could read the 'you know I like tech' comment as 'why would you think I would want an analogue clock when you know I like tech' rather than 'why didn't you buy me a gadget?'

Anyway, the fact that he hasn't replied to your text in 12 hours makes that rather moot. Do make sure you get the unwanted clock back though. Perhaps do a swap with the elephant cushion (which sounds utterly tasteless)

ChocolateWombat · 01/11/2016 09:13

I think people are too quick to take offence. I think people need a bit more tolerance of the fact that partners and others don't always get it right in the way they respond to us.....but it doesn't have to be a big deal and ,ark the end of the relationship. When one thing becomes a huge big deal, I think it is a sign of low self esteem of the person who feels so hurt, that one slight can make them feel so bad.

I understand that in new relationships we are very invested, try hard with presents and probably over-analyse every little response of the new partner....and feel potentially vulnerable, because we are opening up to someone, and there's no guarantee it will work out. All of this is understood. And because of this I can see why OP was disappointed by BFs reaction - she put a lot of thought into the gift, regardless of whether we or BF liked it. She was disappointed that she had misjudged it, but also by BFs reaction. However, to see real malice or signs that this BF is a 'bad man' or not worth continuing with is daft....and if we take offence and bin every partner who says something a bit insensitive, we will all be single forever!

Unless this is a part of an ongoing issue where BF seems to be insensitive, uncaring and selfish (of which I can only see a bit insensitive in this particular issue) I would just bear with him, cut him a bit of slack and look to move on. Accept that perhaps you don't fully know his taste, accept it was probably hard for him to tell you he didn't really like it, give him the benefit of the doubt about tech stuff - he was trying to be helpful and give you a helpful guide to what he does like, don't take offence and bear resentment over this, but go out with him to return the clock and get something else...and move on. Don't see this as a major big deal....because it doesn't have to be. If this relationship is to continue, you will have to cut him slack and forgive him for bigger things than this.....bearing with people is a crucial part of a mature relationship, whereas expecting that someone will never ever make a mistake and upset you, and can never be forgiven for doing so, is a sign of immaturity.

Just reminds me of the time my DH (then Boyfriend of 6 months) bought me a model boat kit. We had seen it in a shop and he clearly wanted it and liked it. I must have made a passing remark that it was nice.....and he then went and bought it for me. Initially, I was so surprised I just thanked him....but a day or so later, said perhaps he should make it himself, because he liked it and model making wasn't my thing....I said it in a humourous way, was genuinely amused rather than offended by it.....we laughed and he laughed at himself for getting it for me and for ever thinking I would like it.....and years later, we still laugh about it. It just marked a point we were at back then, when we didn't know quite what each other liked....but it wasn't a big deal.

Oakmaiden · 01/11/2016 09:13

I haven't read the entire thread, but thought I would chip in and say - if I spent £200 on a gift for someone, I would prefer it if the gift was genuinely wanted. It is a lot of money to spend on something unwanted... So, yes, whilst I would be hurt if they said they didn't like it, in the long run I would prefer to know so that a, I didn't buy them something similar again and b, they end up with a gift they actually like.

Cue anecdote about graciously receiving a gift from mil which I really didn't like, and then getting the same thing every year for the next 20 "because she knows I like it so much..."

Lottiegal · 01/11/2016 09:13

Toffeelatteplease I just have to add that picture posted wasn't the clock I bought

OP posts:
WalkingInTheAir13 · 01/11/2016 09:15

DixieWishbone on page 4 That is hilarious! A truly inspirational alternative! Seriously, who on earth buys stuff like that?
Now the OP's boyfriend would definitely be exonerated if she gave him that horror. 😱

expatinscotland · 01/11/2016 09:15

'If I think of the situation in reverse I know he would have been pretty pissed off if I had said the same to him in the manner he did. Saying that I messaged him that I was upset by his response and have had no come back in 12 hours so there you go.'

Then why do you accept behaviour you know he wouldn't? Would you have waited 12 hours to respond?

He responded like a twat, then did the 'Your presence is my present', then qualified that with, 'Not really, I want to go with you to chose the gadget of equivalent value.' That is fucking rude!

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 09:16

OP do you like this man? Do you hope this is a serious relationship? This episode aside do you enjoys each other's company and do you both treat each other well? If yes do you want to fall out over something as trivial as a birthday present? You bought him an expensive clock I'm assuming you like, it turns out he doesn't, I suspect he was embarrassed about it I would have been and feels he has to say something (very admirable IMO), assuming he doesn't regularly make fun of you and hurt your feelings, maybe in his embarrassment about saying he didn't like this gift that you do it was a very clumsy and unfortunate way of trying to say he didn't like it can it go back and that you spent too much money on it/him.