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AIBU?

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Original poster

Gift for boyfriend was not well received

621 replies

Lottiegal · 31/10/2016 23:15

I'm divorced with three kids and have been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months. Things have been going pretty well so far and he seems committed etc. At the weekend was his 40th and we had dinner etc and some drinks. I'd deliberated for ages what to get him as a gift, originally we talked about going away but we couldn't find the time work and kids etc. He's a man of discerning taste, and we share a love of Scandinavia and good design, so I bought him an Aarne Jacobsen clock (a design classic) When he received it he thanked me and said it was a cool gift so I was pleased. Today though on the phone he said he was sorry he didn't like the gift and wanted to return it. I was a bit upset to be honest but hid my emotions and said I would return it. He then joked like 'what would I do with a clock, it's really not me' I felt hurt that I'd got it so wrong, and by his reaction. I did say I was upset that he didn't like it but he seemed almost annoyed that I'd got it for him.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Ineedmorelemonpledge · 01/11/2016 08:04

Only joking OP, I actually think he sounds quite concerned about the amount you spent from your further posts.

Why not return it and book a hotel for weekend away for the new year?

I'm sure you could agree a date in advance for Jan/Feb and arrange life around it.

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 08:05

Has he 'demanded" he choose a techy present? I thought the OP said he didn't want a gift just to be with her for the weekend which frankly seems a rather nice thing to say. If someone I knew asked for a techy gift as a technophobe I would be delighted if they suggested they choose it, maybe the OP and the boyfriend could have a weekend together go somewhere nice have a meal and then go to a techy shop and she could enjoy buying him a small gift that she knows he'll like.

Toffeelatteplease · 01/11/2016 08:05

OMG I suddenly realised I did exactly this to DBoyfriend on our first Christmas.

I accepted it politely at the time then had to admit I hated it afterwards. Whether I did it gracefully or not i haven't a clue. We went shopping together and I still have the item we bought together nearly 10 years later. It's a very ordinary item but very special to me.

Thanks god he didn't take offence as you have!!!

museumum · 01/11/2016 08:07

I just googled Aarne Jacobsen clock and the first result is the options to buy it so you can see the price right away - they're all about the same (as you'd expect from danish design).
To be honest it is such a design classic that you can buy copy versions in every supermarket for £20 so he may well be shocked at the price. It sounds like he really isn't into Scandinavian design at all. If he was he'd have heard of aarne jacobsen.

fuzzywuzzy · 01/11/2016 08:10

chuck he then went on to say he could choose somethign 'techy' instead, he has no problems with the moeny she spent on him at all.

Ex was an utter bastard when accepting gifts, he'd make me feel like crap before accepting the gift so I felt greatful he had accepted the present. Even tho every single gift I gave him was well thoguht out and I knew he wanted each item, and they were fairly expensive too. He used to get me nothjing. For me this is a big red flag.

What kinds of gifts does he get you? Apart from the elephant cushion? Get him something similar, an elephant throw, he's obvisouly into elephants.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/11/2016 08:12

"What would I go with a clock?"

What a bizarre thing to say. I would've thought it'd be pretty obvious what to do with a clock Confused

Either way he is super rude

ChuckGravestones · 01/11/2016 08:12

He did say we could return it and he could choose something else

Yes he could not would. Major difference here.

NightWanderer · 01/11/2016 08:13

The OP said he works in finance and has a few designer things, so I'd be more inclined to think that he's probably well off and concerned about the OP wasting her money on him rather than him being a "grabby" bastard. I mean the OP might be super rich herself but if I was a single, well off guy I'd feel bad about a single mum with 3 kids spending so much on me. Thats assuming he doesn't have kids himself but I think it more comes from concern about the OP.

fuzzywuzzy · 01/11/2016 08:15

I'm going by what OP wrote;

"He did say we could return it and he could choose something else... that's when he mentioned he liked tech "

That sounds grabby to me not concerend she spent too much on him.

Memoires · 01/11/2016 08:17

Take it back and give him a £50 voucher for Curries/PC World.

Or, put it on one of your walls, and give him a £20 voucher for Curries/PC World.

shovetheholly · 01/11/2016 08:20

It sounds to me like you're the one with 'discerning taste' OP, and he's more into tech stuff. I know a lot of people think clocks are redundant now we have phones, but that misses the point for me!

PS We have a thread on modernism (including Scandi stuff) in the 'home decoration' forum. Come join is - we will not sniff at your Arne Jacobsen. Grin

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 08:20

Out of curiosity is his decor very influenced by Scandinavian design? Is he interested in interiors many men aren't. Did you get the impression he knew lots about it? I know little about it apart from the fact it seems popular on the JL website. Maybe he says he likes it because (to my untrained eye) it's quite minimalist and neutral and easy to live with unlike that hideous shabby chic that also popular but this doesn't mean he would know Scandinavian designers or want a £200 Scandinavian designer clock!

My2centsworth · 01/11/2016 08:21

Definitely it was not his finest hour but I am not necessarily down with the graciously accepting gifts crowd.

DH went away recently and spent £70 on the most hideous John Lewis beige skinny trousers with zips at the bottom of each leg and almost shiny beige material. I am not wearing what can only be described as the most hideous trousers every to grace a John Lewis rail for the prerequisite amount of times just to exude the appropriate level of gratitude. I mentioned to DH that they were not to my taste and maybe another choice of gift might be better next time as taste in clothes is quite personal. In fairness I think the OPs DP was quite sensitive in his approach too. If he was concerned that she would expect to see a clock he absolutely hated an the wall every visit then he had to say something. OP though it might be worth using the opportunity to bring up the cushion.

derxa · 01/11/2016 08:23

Roussette said it all. DH and I are exactly like that. He's never forgotten the oatmeal jumper incident.

Floggingmolly · 01/11/2016 08:24

He bought you a cushion with an elephant on it... Why are you so convinced he's a man of discerning taste?? He's an ignorant arsehole.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/11/2016 08:24

I don't see anywhere where he said it could be returned and the same value of something else bought. I read it that he suggested she return it, and he mentioned tech, but he might be thinking of something much cheaper.

Anyway, I am with the boyfriend. I would be cringing if my DP spent £200 on me in this situation. I would feel awful and I'd worry it'd be, at best, a lead in to a lifetime of stupidly expensive presents.

It is imposing on people, to give them things that are hugely out of line with the amount of money they're spending on you.

I think, rather than talking to us on here, you should go and ask him, honestly, if he hated the clock or if it was the amount of money that bothered him (or both).

That way he can clear the air, and you'll soon see if he's a dick or not. If he comes out with some 'oh, darling, don't you understand this isn't me' pretentiousness - dick. If it's 'honestly, I hated it, sorry. Also I wish you'd just spent the day with me like I said' - not dick.

daisychain01 · 01/11/2016 08:25

Haven't read the whole thread, but his reaction shows a lot about him as a person. Shallow.

Fine to have discerning taste but if he cannot delight in the loving thought behind that gift, I'd say his values are all wrong.

Bit of a deal breaker...

daisychain01 · 01/11/2016 08:28

I could tell him exactly what he could do with the clock.

Sideways

expatinscotland · 01/11/2016 08:28

Yes, Soupy but then he did this:

'You're right it was probably too much early doors in the relationship. He did say we could return it and he could choose something else... that's when he mentioned he liked tech so maybe he did have that it mind 🤔 '

So much for 'Your presence is my present.'

'We' could return it. No, dear, he gave it back. YOU take it back and get him nothing, after all, he only wants you.

Bluntness100 · 01/11/2016 08:29

I don't think uou should end a relationship over something like this. Some blokes aren't very sentimental about gifts, and if he doesn't like it and want to put it up, then the only good thing is at least he was honest with you.

What will you get him instead?

JinkxMonsoon · 01/11/2016 08:29

It honestly sounds like he doesn't want to accept a clock he doesn't like when you shelled out so much money on it.

Maybe he's just a bit taken aback/uncomfortable that you bought him a £200 gift when you've only been dating for six months.

Isetan · 01/11/2016 08:29

You bought a new boyfriend an expensive gift that they do not like or want, you called it wrong and your ego has taken a bit of a hit. When you say he should be gracious, what you actually mean is he should prioritise your fragile ego by lying to you. Is that the type of relationship you want?

I remember getting it in the neck when my Ex put two and two together and somehow came up with five and I ended up with an expensive gift that I would never use. I thanked him but I was honest and said that I would probably never use it and asked him if I could exchange it, he was hurt and said that I was ungrateful. Apparently, gift tokens (which I had already asked for) was out of the question because it displayed a lack of imagination didn't give him enough of the self congratulatory 'I know her better than she knows herself' smugness. In the end I suggested he return the gift and spend the money on himself because that's who he was thinking of when he bought it.

What upsets you the most, you calling it wrong (and therefore not knowing him as well as you thought you did) or that he didn't prioritise your ego by lying being gracious?

JinkxMonsoon · 01/11/2016 08:31

He said he didn't want me spending that on him, that he just wanted to be with me for the weekend and he didn't need gifts

Is that not quite a gracious response? All these people slagging him off and saying you should dump him Hmm

Bluntness100 · 01/11/2016 08:31

Was it expensive? Thinking about this now, maybe his concern is the amount uou spend on each other, that he can't reciprocate, or possibly even he doesn't see the relationship as that serious yet where expensive gifts are ok, and doesn't want to accept for that reason.

YvaineStormhold · 01/11/2016 08:31

Ok, I feel bad now.

OP, this is maybe showing up a disparity between how you and your boyfriend view gifts and gift-giving.

Read up on Love Languages. Maybe he doesn't attach the same meaning to gifts as you do, so won't appreciate the thought that went into it, or how hurt you are at his rejection of your thoughtful present.

I still think he's been a bit of a twit, but insomnia makes me a steaming great bitch a bit grumpy.

Sorry. Talk to him.

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