Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gift for boyfriend was not well received

621 replies

Lottiegal · 31/10/2016 23:15

I'm divorced with three kids and have been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months. Things have been going pretty well so far and he seems committed etc. At the weekend was his 40th and we had dinner etc and some drinks. I'd deliberated for ages what to get him as a gift, originally we talked about going away but we couldn't find the time work and kids etc. He's a man of discerning taste, and we share a love of Scandinavia and good design, so I bought him an Aarne Jacobsen clock (a design classic) When he received it he thanked me and said it was a cool gift so I was pleased. Today though on the phone he said he was sorry he didn't like the gift and wanted to return it. I was a bit upset to be honest but hid my emotions and said I would return it. He then joked like 'what would I do with a clock, it's really not me' I felt hurt that I'd got it so wrong, and by his reaction. I did say I was upset that he didn't like it but he seemed almost annoyed that I'd got it for him.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 01/11/2016 15:30

Shoe on the other foot, man buys you a 200 clock after 6 months. it isnt ypur style. you tell him.

he goes nuts to your face and on text and reveals he didnt like what you got him either and throws in you shouldn't have told him for a few years when you could laugh about it.

after 6 months?

woah!

DoinItFine · 01/11/2016 15:33

It doesn't need to be beast from hell behaviour.

He was rude, he hurt her feelings, he made her feel belittled for choosing the wrong present.

Even though the OP is only a silly woman who should be comoared to a misogynistic film portrayal of a woman, her feelings still matter.

I wouldn't have sent that message. I wouldn't have sent any message.

But I think it's horrible how many people are lining up to teach her that her approach to giving gifts is wrong, her feelings about her boyfriend are wrong, and how she shoukd have been a better kind of lady to keep the rich, snobby, classless twat interested.

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 15:34

That just about sums up how ridiculous this is Queenlizlll.

BolivarAtasco · 01/11/2016 15:36

Fucking hell.

I am staggered at the level of overthinking, wild speculation and over-reaction which has gone on here.

Absolutely nuts.

Bluntness100 · 01/11/2016 15:36

Yup, agree with Queenlizlll.nicely put.

ViolettaValery · 01/11/2016 15:39

Ok Doin I see your point (not sure I agree with the belittling thing though, I think he was just clumsy) and I don't think the OP's approach is wrong, and she probably feels quite rubbish at the moment so Flowers. It's just a different set of emphases on present-buying and space-sharing and it isn't going to be for everybody, wouldn't work for me either.

Katy07 · 01/11/2016 15:41

If I'd been the man in question I'd have said 'thank you very much', hung it on a wall somewhere where it wouldn't annoy me, and then when it came round to another birthday / Christmas I'd agree possible spending limits and discuss ideas for both partners to ensure that there weren't any misunderstandings. That way no-one is offended or hurt now, and things are sorted for the future.

Katy07 · 01/11/2016 15:43

Oh, and while it's not exactly my type of clock it's really perfectly decent and would go unobtrusively on a wall. If OP was happy to spend that amount for a 40th (even after 6 months) then I'd have hoped that he (OP's partner) could have put up with it this time and then set boundaries later.

ShelaghTurner · 01/11/2016 15:45

Yep, very nicely put your highness. It's bonkers.

sirfredfredgeorge · 01/11/2016 15:45

If I'd been the man in question I'd have said 'thank you very much', hung it on a wall somewhere

It's the dishonesty inherent in doing that, that hurts me, lieing to the person you love is wrong - sure you probably don't love them at 6 months of weekends, but better to start with clumsy honesty, than a stack of clocks with nowhere to put them.

DoinItFine · 01/11/2016 15:48

The only decent way to have refused the gift was to have called and said

"I've jusr realised how much you spent on my clock.

I'm sorry, but I can't ccept such an expensive gift from you. I would never spend that kind of money on a clock (unless it was to buy 3 gaudy showpieces for 15 times the price I could wear everywhere as a display of status like a great ape).

Can we please return it? I understand you want to mark my 40th with a gift, but I don't need or want anything like that. Could you buy me your favourite book or something small and intimate like that?"

Any refusal to accept the gift should have been kind and appreciated the considerable thought that went into it.

Rather than "what kind of arsehole buys someone a clock?"

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 15:50

doin do you know something about this story that all the rest of us don't? She buys him an expensive clock he understandably can't stand it, he thinks she should send it back and then spend the money on a weekend together so he tries to make light of it by making a joke about it, this falls very flat.
Next thing he knows he receives a whatsapp when at work from the OP deliberately trying to hurt him by criticising the present he bought her, saying how thoughtless he is but finishing off by suggesting that he should still put up with the hideous clock and in a couple of years time when there still together they'll laugh about it.
Is this really myoginistic behaviour? Not liking a present doesn't make you a mysogenist, neither does saying you don't like it however clumsily it was done. The OP seems(ed) genuinely fond of him as are her children, and she seems upset that at the very least he's blocked her messages and worst dumped her.
Maybe it's me but I just see this as someone one who's a bit hurt that their gift was appreciated and miscommunication by their partner.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 01/11/2016 15:51

Can we see the elephant cushion though?

DoinItFine · 01/11/2016 15:52

Accepting a gift with good grace is not dishonest Hmm

Do we need to go into schools and teach children the difference between being honest and being rude?

Original poster
Lottiegal · 01/11/2016 15:54

Thanks for all the kind comments insinuating I'm a bunny boiler 🙌
Yes we've had an intense relationship to date and I thought we were at a stage that we were getting a bit more steady. I was always happy to date more casually initially but we had a sensible chat about his involvement in my life with my kids etc and he said he was ready for it. He was the one talking about the future more than me, I was just reflecting in that in my text to him.

I messaged him to say I was annoyed at the way he'd told me but the whole thing had got out of hand and I'd overreacted in my last text. I said we should forget the effing clock (I now hate the thing) and go out to lunch instead. He's now unblocked me. So we shall see what happens.

OP posts:
arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 15:55

Anyone can be clever in retrospect, anyone can sit by their fireplace saying if it had been me I would have said X Y and Z. I would never of said what he said but back in the real world.

DoinItFine · 01/11/2016 15:57

The misogyny is in the thread.

The double standard applued to his freedom to speak his mind while she is a bunny boiler for speaking hers.

She buys him an expensive clock he understandably can't stand it

So you believe it is acceptable to slag off somebody's taste and the present they spent time and thought choosing?

Aren't you a peach?

I guess it's easy to see why you think a man with no class and fussy ideas of taste should be allowed to be cruel and belittling.

sirfredfredgeorge · 01/11/2016 15:57

Accepting a gift from a stranger with good grace is not dishonest.
Accepting something you hate from your DP is dishonest.

honesty is relative to the situation.

GrumpyOldBag · 01/11/2016 15:57

The first present I bought DH was a designer CD rack.

He hated it.

2 teenage dc and 16 years or marriage later, we laugh about it.

DoinItFine · 01/11/2016 15:58

You begged this nasty cunt for attention?

Come on.

DoinItFine · 01/11/2016 15:59

Nope, accepting a present from a girlfriend of 6 months with good grace is not dishonest.

Not even a tiny little bit.

QueenLizIII · 01/11/2016 16:01

Get the clock back off him. take it back.

leave it there.

PrivatePike · 01/11/2016 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 16:01

Glad he's unblocked you, perhaps I was right and he was busy at work and your messages were a distraction/upsetting him and he didn't have time to write a considered reply.
Forget the bloody clock, move on it really isn't worth getting that upset about. Laugh about it now not in a couple of years time. You thought he'd like it but he didn't you win some you loose some it's no big deal.
doin I'm sorry I just don't buy into the accepting an expensive gift you definitely don't with grace ethos. We don't even know if he has a spare bedroom to --hide- keep it in.

Bluntness100 · 01/11/2016 16:01

Dointifine, of the two approaches you mention, to be fair, he pretty much did the one you call the decent approach.

He didn't call her an arsehole or slag off her taste or any of the other things you ar suggesting, he simply apologised for not liking it, said he wanted to spend the weekend with her, and didn't need gifts, he then yes made a clumsy joke about what would be do with a clock, but that is not calling her an arsehole or slagging her off.