Gift for boyfriend was not well received

[Lottiegal]

I'm divorced with three kids and have been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months. Things have been going pretty well so far and he seems committed etc. At the weekend was his 40th and we had dinner etc and some drinks. I'd deliberated for ages what to get him as a gift, originally we talked about going away but we couldn't find the time work and kids etc. He's a man of discerning taste, and we share a love of Scandinavia and good design, so I bought him an Aarne Jacobsen clock (a design classic) When he received it he thanked me and said it was a cool gift so I was pleased. Today though on the phone he said he was sorry he didn't like the gift and wanted to return it. I was a bit upset to be honest but hid my emotions and said I would return it. He then joked like 'what would I do with a clock, it's really not me' I felt hurt that I'd got it so wrong, and by his reaction. I did say I was upset that he didn't like it but he seemed almost annoyed that I'd got it for him.
Am I being unreasonable?

I can see why you're hurt.

I could never, ever, ever get the right present for my ex. he has a birthday in the winter as well as Christmas. It was hell because he would be such a shit about it sometimes (and when I did "ok" he would be tepidly accepting rather than effusively grateful)

I am really looking forward to being single this year and enjoying presents only for people I love who will be grateful! (Ok I'll have to think of somethings for from the dcs but I personally am off the hook.)

It's perhaps too soon to tell at 6 months, but the question is: when you know each other better, will this problem go away or get worse?

"go away" = you will fall into a groove of mostly naturally buying each other great presents and being lovely and enthusiastic about them - with occasional slight mis-fires which are lovingly accepted or gently exchanged, with kindness and consideration

"get worse" = every present buying situation is a gauntlet of anxiety, shame and ridicule to be run, where you agonise, second guess, over spend in desperation , and then suffer torments afterwards when he is unkind and ungrateful

Do you have any inkling which way this is going to go?

Are there other instances of him taking your time, thought and affection for granted?

Is he generally arrogant? and does he show you respect in other ways?

Is he a good listener?

Walter she was perfectly reasonable, and what he said was not nice, it was crass and insensitive, how does that make her unhinged . If you cannot talk to your partner about how you feel, there is not hope!

bumsex

OP wrote:

When he received it he thanked me and said it was a cool gift so I was pleased. Today though on the phone he said he was sorry he didn't like the gift and wanted to return it

And then he joked (her word) saying "what would I do with a clock?"

Are you seriously telling me you consider her text an appropriate reaction to that???

He thanked her. Then confessed he didn't like it. He wanted to return it. Then he asked a jokey question. That is the extent of his crime from the OP.

bumsex of course the OP should stand up for herself but it's how she does it that's important. I never think sending txt/whatapps etc with that kind of message on is a good thing to do especially if he's at work! Saying things face to face is always better, written messages loose nuances, and can be misinterpreted, you can read them over and over again and put your own spin on it show it to your mates and ask them what they think and then like here they'll add their 20 pence into the situation when they're only hearing one side to the story. To be deliberately hurtful about his gift gets both of them no where, just creates more unhappiness and offence.

'If you cannot talk to your partner about how you feel, there is not hope'

So why doesn't that also extend to him? Why can't he talk to his partner about not really liking a gift, especially such an expensive one that he would be expected to display?

As a few of us said one page one take it back and lesson learned ...dont buy expensive gifts again.

15 pages later the OP has been dumped.

A bit of a vast over reaction.

Her text was perfectly polite. She told him honestly that she was upset he wanted to return the gift. Just like her told her honestly that he didn't want it. Why should he be entitled to speak his mind but not the op? Maybe she should have just blocked him rather than engaging at all and been as grown up as he has.

You've been together six months, live far away from each other, and see each other at weekends only...

Any chance hes not living alone and so couldn't take the clock as it raised questions from someone...?

The whole thing sounds rather immature and mountain out of a molehill like!

And I think if you're going to dump someone over what you consider to be an offish text (when you've been bloody rude yourself already) then it probably wasn't going to be wedding bells and happy ever afters anyway.

Why speak your mind on something that's bothering you so much you start a conversation on here as a whatsapp to someone who's at work and likely to be busy concentrating on their job? Do people really communicate things that really matter to them by whatsapp? Why not wait till you next see him or speak on the phone/Skype tonight that way they'll both be able to discuss it sensibly gauge how the other is responding to their feeings and listen to the others point of you.

I think op, that you yourself knew the whatsapp message was a bit strong, which was why you felt the urge to delete later.

Lesson learnt, the only time you can safely delete a whatsapp message is when there is a clock symbol or an unsent exclamation.

One grey tick, means it is sent to the server and will be sent on, in time. You can't call that back.

Even if the two ticks were grey when you looked, he might still have read the message on the home screen without opening the app. On an iphone you can also swipe to see recent notifications and read from there.

I can't imagine anyone blocking the person they love from messaging just to get on with their work. When I'm working I receive all sorts of emails and messages, and I just turn off the ringer so I don't get disturbed. I think you've been blocked for a reason, sorry.

Perhaps the gift, and the conversation, plus the message was a bit of an overload for him. At his age and with his lifestyle he's bound to be a tad selfish and self involved, so maybe wary of moving a bit fast into a situation of being not only a couple but into a ready made family, with demands on his life.

I'm very sorry OP, if he has any decency he'll return the clock at least.

I feel for you OP. I think the clock is nice and thoughtful, and for a first big gift it would've been more polite for him to keep it, particularly as he'd turned down everything else.

It doesn't sound like he's terribly right for you tbh :(. Don't feel too upset - think it's best to get out now rather than later.

But get the clock back if you can!

I was replying to the people saying she should have just returned the clock and let it go. My autistic primary child can grasp that you don't give back a gift someone has thoughtfully chosen for you so I certainly wouldn't accept such a lack of consideration for my feelings from a 40 year old man without calling them on it. Would a phone call have been better? Maybe. It probably would have been better to address it at the time but I can see how the op may have been too shocked to have said anything then.

Strictly speaking there's nothing wrong with being honest about not liking a gift - especially if it has cost the giver a lot of money.

But, it doesn't sound like this man has been considerate or kind towards the OP. He sounds mocking. And OP also mentioned she's felt belittled or demeaned by him in the past.

I don't think this is a kind person. Better to cut losses now.

Just read right through this and agree with WalterMitty. Relationship ended (or very seriously damaged) over one ill-judged comment about a gift. Mountain out of a molehill indeed.

I think she's already out, the fact he's blocked her is a bit of a giveaway there.

I don't think his crime was huge, he simply said he didn't like it and apologised, it's fair enough, sending him texts taking about accepting gifts from loved ones and treasuring them and how they will laugh in a few years probably scared the crap out of him.

If I'd been with a guy six months only, at weekends and he bought me an expensive gift then texted to say I should have treasured it because it was from a loved one and how we would laugh in a few years together I'd be uncomfortable if my strength of feelings weren't the same.

I do think blocking her is the bigger crime. He should be man enough to tell her it's over.

I would block this kind of message if I was at work should I be unfortunate enough to receive one) because I would be upset by it, feel it requires a thoughtful careful reply which I wouldn't have time to do and suspect that more would follow if I didnt reply.
I personally only use txt/whatsapp etc for general messages, what time are we meeting, when is it convenient to call etc, if someone wants to say something more personal good or bad or I want too I would not txt/whatsapp them or even email them. One of my DS's is currently abroad in a completely different time zone we regularly whatsapp but if he or I had something serious we wanted to say it would be via phone/Skype (a great invention) I also know he would only call me at work if it was life and death as I do not wish to be disturbed when I'm at work after all I'm being they're paid to concentrate on my job not my personal life.

In fact phones have just been banned from my area of work because people are spending too much time on them whatsapping/texting/snap chatting friends. We have been advised that any life and death calls are fine to be taken on the dept phones.

Oh right, I think you've had a narrow escape, if he can't take criticsm, but can dish it out, it's bye bye. No wonder he is an eternal batchelor, if he think it's ok to be rude and crass to someone who has bought him a thoughtful gift. He might probably flog it on e bay and get some money.

Bloody hell, he must be pretty superficial if he's blocked you.

He sounds like a right uptight knob 😬

"A man of discerning taste" just conjures up pictures of a total plonker to me. Sorry.

I'm genuinely surprised that people would block a partner/loved one on whatsapp temporarily in a situation where they needed to concentrate! I'd either ignore or reply - busy, we need to speak later. Which would take about the same time as doing.

So maybe there is hope OP. Sorry but I thought it sounded quite final. For me it would be anyway.

Its not that he did not like the clock, that's ok not to like a gift, but his attitude stinks, he has behaved like a total twat towards op. In her thread, op revealed other things he has said, that she did not say in her op, for me, that would be a dealbreaker, he comes across as rude and crass.

Oh, sorry OP Normally I think the love languages stuff is bollocks used to excuse bad behaviour but I think it might apply here. I'm not gift-oriented, and someone wealthy who buys all their own treats, who mainly values time and company as presents from me sounds ideal! I'd happily get them silly stocking filler presents forever. I'd be mildly freaked out by someone buying me expensive presents 6 months in and trying to stake territory in my flat, it would just feel too much. And I'd definitely have been a bit alarmed by it being such a big deal for them that I couldn't express my opinion about a present (ok, he didn't do it very tactfully). So on that basis you have different priorities.

I would imagine he's gone home to make sure that his pet rabbit and his large cooking pots are safely stowed away. The text was way OTT and the whole feel of the updates from the OP was that after 6 months worth of some weekends together she was making their retirement plans when he hadn't got anywhere near that. Throw in a hugely expensive present and talk of the future and no wonder he blocked her!