Gift for boyfriend was not well received

[Lottiegal]

I'm divorced with three kids and have been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months. Things have been going pretty well so far and he seems committed etc. At the weekend was his 40th and we had dinner etc and some drinks. I'd deliberated for ages what to get him as a gift, originally we talked about going away but we couldn't find the time work and kids etc. He's a man of discerning taste, and we share a love of Scandinavia and good design, so I bought him an Aarne Jacobsen clock (a design classic) When he received it he thanked me and said it was a cool gift so I was pleased. Today though on the phone he said he was sorry he didn't like the gift and wanted to return it. I was a bit upset to be honest but hid my emotions and said I would return it. He then joked like 'what would I do with a clock, it's really not me' I felt hurt that I'd got it so wrong, and by his reaction. I did say I was upset that he didn't like it but he seemed almost annoyed that I'd got it for him.
Am I being unreasonable?

I also offered to paint him a picture from the artic as he lived that trip (I'm an artist) I would have done it tastefully and minimally - but he said no. Yes he's honest but is he just not wanting my input on his space? I think this is what I find a bit upsetting aside from his choice of words

This has gone from a lighthearted laugh at it, people saying things like, take it back and just get him nothing, to full on raging which isn't now really appropriate.

You just should have taken it back, considered it a lesson learned and said nothing more on the matter. I very much doubt he would have asked you for more presents.

I have to say the comments about his home are getting a bit much. With exes even when they have said they want to do more with their homes, I stay out of it. I've never made suggestions for decorating etc.

I much prefer honesty in my relationships and, while being a bit disappointed that I'd got BF's style wrong when I thought I was doing a good thing, I'd much rather know what someone very important to me really liked, rather than pretending.

From the other side, I'd also have found it all rather overwhelming to have had £200 spent on me by a boyfriend of only 6 months. I'd feel terrible that someone would have essentially wasted all that money on something that I really didn't like. Some people like gifts and some people just like to choose their own things. Thankfully (in that we are both the same, not saying this is the only way to be!) both DH and I are fairly unemotional about gifts and will be very specific to each other about what we are sort of giving each other for birthdays/Christmas etc.

It is very odd to see so many people jumping to massive conclusions on the basis of the one conversation. If I was the BF now, having received your message, I think I'd realise that we were incompatible.

He does though seem to know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

He can only get his pictures framed the way he likes in SA? WTF.

He could get it done similarly here I'm sure.

I think OP is probably sabotaging the relationship now. The clock is just one element in her feeling that BF isn't committed to her and doesn't want her in his life as much as she wants him involved. She wants to be involved in the decor of his flat, but he's not keen, which she sees as a sign he's not committed or caring enough. That text she has sent is a sabotaging message. It is a message that can only make the BF think she's a bit crazy and question if he wants to be with her. Sending messages like that is looking for a fight. Sometimes people send them to provoke a fight and the end of the relationship, which they can then blame on the other person. Texts like that are not relationship building. And in the circumstances of the clock, really not necessary. Pity! If there's a bigger issue about his willingness to let you into his life, then say so, but don't make it all about the sodding clock.

But in his house he's entitled to have things how he likes. And if that means photos frames in SA then so be it. The OP seems a bit too keen to make her mark on his home and has taken the hump because he told her (for at least the third time) that he didn't want anything for his home.

You said he's from SA. Maybe that's your answer. He's more direct.

And also bear in mind that if he's been single most of his adult life then he's super set in his ways and won't be easily changed.

"I can't get my head around turning down a piece of art made by someone I loved."

This isn't a long term partnership though. This is a long distance, only seeing each other at the weekend, relationship of 6 months.

What happens to the piece of art if/when they break up? Does it have to hang on the walls as a reminder? Does she ask for it back? Does he have to throw it out?

Things just don't seem to be at such a serious stage for that yet and a lot of posters here seem to want to make a huge drama out of it all for the OP.

I agree with chocolate.

OP, it sounds as if you've talked yourself round to feeling you want more from the relationship than he does, and you've pushed at him with things he's been quite clear he doesn't want. Things like a £200 present, or a personally painted picture, are big gifts. Some people don't want that level of commitment after six months.

He may be a right knob, too (I can't tell from this thread), but it seems to me you want to break up with him, but want the drama and/or the deferred blame of pushing him to do it for you.

I love the clock personally.

Anyway, return the clock (DM me for my address ) and get him a pen. Preferably one of those free ones you get for calling some crap life insurance company.

I'm not surprised he hasn't replied to that text.

I fear the relationship is doomed. You want different things. Literally.

You said he's from SA. Maybe that's your answer. He's more direct.

Oh yeah, my friend from SA still surprises me with her bluntness sometimes. Not a bad thing necessarily.

But in his house he's entitled to have things how he likes. And if that means photos frames in SA then so be it.

True also.

He hasn't given any consideration to your feelings at all. Which is hurtful and would make me view him in a negative light.

You didn't just buy him any old thing or something that reflected your taste and ignored his - you put a lot of thought into getting him something that you genuinely believed he would like. He hasn't cared about that at all when criticising it! Okay, you got it wrong, which happens, even in long term relationships (some of my gifts to dh have been very hit and miss), but someone who cares for you would not want to trample on something you put a lot of effort into.

I also consider 12 hours way to long not to reply to a text from a dp. It was a text expressing hurt feelings, not one telling him to get milk from tesco on the way home - it definitely requires a prompt response! I'd say this relationship is irreparably damaged. Hope you get the clock back OP and can exchange it for something you want.

I would be delighted to have a piece of art made for me by any of the artists I know.

I think a person who would turn that down is not someone I would have enough in common with for any kind of close relationship.

Nothing she suggested was right - no weekend away, no personal gift, no item for his home.

A person in a relationship they are excited about would have accepted one of the options happily.

I don't think he was gracious, I think he was rude.

I also think his response to the clock was insulting and unnecessary.

I wouldn't have sent the text. I woukd have just moved on.

No I don't want to break up with him at all. I just want him to know it's not ok for him to talk to me like that. If every time we have an issue he belittled me I couldn't just let it go. I agree pick your arguments but sometimes the little things build up to resentment if not addressed and after all he hurt my feelings do he should know that.

Your relationship does seem a bit mismatched. He's 40 years old and used to having his own space and is selfish about his space. That's ok, but it seems you want more and I'm not sure that you are going to get more from him.

I'm wondering if the elephant cushion was a gift that someone gave him that he didn't like so passed on to you. It's such an odd thing for someone like that to buy.

I do think South Africans can come across as quite rude/direct but perhaps that's just the ones that I've met.

So not do

How is the rest of your relationship op? How does he get on with your kids?

I think it's pretty obvious from recent posts that he is not likely to want a living together type relationship any time soon, or ever.

Can't see how this can develop really, especially as you have children.

He's not Afrikaans he's Persian South African

Iknowimcoming, he's great with my kids, they love him also . We have talked about moving in together

I'd give it a while before you go down that road I think, and it doesn't end here I'd get some firm 'rules' in place before Xmas if I were you.

He's not Afrikaans he's Persian South African

He was raised there though? Impossible not to absorb their ways really.

Doinitfine 'I wouldn't have sent the text....I w oiled have just moved on'
Really? After 6 months invested in a relationship, you'd be so offended that you would move on without even a conversation about it? How bizarre.

The OP is looking for someone whose life she can share. She wants to have an input into their decor and to go on holidays with them. Building this kind of relationship takes time and not everyone gets to that point of commitment at the same time. The BF might be an arse (or not, I really can't tell from the info here - he might just be a straightforward guy who is slowly edging into a relationship but wants to maintain control over his decor and was honest in a clumsy way about a gift that just wasn't him....and he might not have replied because the text he received was critical and unnecessary and he's weighing the future, or waiting to be able to send a calm response.....all of this sounds very reasonable to me)

It does sound like OP wanted more than BF could give at this point. It doesn't make her or him right. It also doesn't mean it has to end (although OPs text, rather than BFs reaction to the clock is pushing it in that direction) because they could have carried on enjoying each other's company and given it a bit more time to see if they wanted the same things or level of commitment. However, OP doesn't seem to be prepared to do that's waiting, but is probably finishing off the relationship.

Maybe it will continue. BF might be very serious about this relationship, but wants to go at a slow pace. He might be cooling down and will respond in a more moderate way than OP has done, allowing a future.

chocolate has it right again.

I just think back to the old boyfriend I had years ago who kept buying me gifts, some far too expensive given we'd only been dating months. It made me so uncomfortable and initially with the first OTT present, I thanked him but also added, there is no need for you to spend so much on me, I'm not a great one for gifts etc etc. When we finished he wrote to me and brought up the 'thoughtful' gifts and the money he'd spent on me. All that I didn't want and didn't ask for.

There are people out there who just aren't into expensive gifts, me and DH aren't and he was more pleased with a £5 daft thing I tracked down than the one expensive gift I bought early on. It was similar to the clock. Something I was so excited about, and something I thought he'd love. He didn't! Unless you feel the relationship is doomed in other ways OP, just put it down to experience.