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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Gift for boyfriend was not well received

621 replies

Lottiegal · 31/10/2016 23:15

I'm divorced with three kids and have been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months. Things have been going pretty well so far and he seems committed etc. At the weekend was his 40th and we had dinner etc and some drinks. I'd deliberated for ages what to get him as a gift, originally we talked about going away but we couldn't find the time work and kids etc. He's a man of discerning taste, and we share a love of Scandinavia and good design, so I bought him an Aarne Jacobsen clock (a design classic) When he received it he thanked me and said it was a cool gift so I was pleased. Today though on the phone he said he was sorry he didn't like the gift and wanted to return it. I was a bit upset to be honest but hid my emotions and said I would return it. He then joked like 'what would I do with a clock, it's really not me' I felt hurt that I'd got it so wrong, and by his reaction. I did say I was upset that he didn't like it but he seemed almost annoyed that I'd got it for him.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

SerendipityPhenomenon · 01/11/2016 10:15

I'm a bit on the fence about this one: I wonder whether he thought he should say something now to stop you wasting money on more presents of the same type in future? I'm influenced by memories of the hideous china SiL bought us when we were engaged: we were too polite to say we thought it horrible, so she bought us more of the same for our wedding and for several birthdays and Christmases. Naturally, it's proved near-indestructible and we've still got loads of the stuff 30 years later.

ChocolateWombat · 01/11/2016 10:16

I agree with with with Arab says. Are you thinking this is going to be a serious,mlomg term relationship? Are you hoping it will be?
If so, unless he has a history of lots of insensitive behaviour, which might make you question the future, I would just let this one go. Lots of possible explanations have been out forward and also lots of positive interpretations of his actions - he was honest, if clumsy in his words. It's not a crime to not like a gift and it's not a crime to be slightly insensitive in the way something is put - we all do it sometimes. It is very possible to move on from this.
Don't let being on MN and loads of us picking over his behaviour and possible meaning lead you to interpret his actions as being more meaningful than they probably were.

The key question isn't about this incident but how you feel about him - if you like him, feel he treats you right and intends to be kind and caring (even if he sometimes fails) and if you want to be with him. This incident is just one of a big picture of your experiences with him. Is it typical and not what you want? Or is it atypical so can be seen as a blip? If it's a blip, don't read too much into it.

Megainstant · 01/11/2016 10:17

He sounds like a rude wanker.

I couldn't fancy a man like that tbh

Dh bought me a horrible vase when we were first going out. He bought it in a panic not really knowing what to get. 25 years later I smile everytime I use it (and I do use it)

SpunkyMummy · 01/11/2016 10:18

OP
I'm not saying the way he handled is was great.

However, I do want to ask you the same thing fishy already asked.
Are you prepared to break up because of this?
This relationship is pretty new, misunderstandings happen. YANBU, but I wouldn't make a bug fuss about it either.

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 10:20

I afraid I also think face to face even by Skype/phone would have been better. I always stand by the belief never put it in writing unless your happy to really offend/upset someone and loose their friendship.
Long distance relationships are hard, particularly in the beginning weekends go so quickly.

Original poster

Lottiegal · 01/11/2016 10:23

I do really like him but sometimes he has said things that irk me, which at the time pisses me off but I get over it.

You need a bit of give and take in a relationship and yes I just wanted a sounding board on here as my judgement was a bit off on this one.

My husband if 15 years clearly didn't like some of the gifts I got him during our married life as he never used/wore some of them but he never said it directly to me. I guess I'm just not used to that level of honesty, maybe I should see it as liberating/refreshing??!!

OP posts:

BaronessEllaSaturday · 01/11/2016 10:23

Got to say if I received that text after 6 months of dating, especially a long distance relationship, I would think fuck it, it's not worth it and end things.

Op can I ask do you have a significant difference in your disposable incomes?

iknowimcoming · 01/11/2016 10:23

Can I make a wild stab in the dark here and say I'm guessing he doesn't interact much with your dc, if at all, or do you only see each other on the weekends your dc are with your ex? Just a hunch .....

QueenLizIII · 01/11/2016 10:26

I think you should have kept it and used it and maybe in a few years over a glass of wine we could have laughed about it and I would mention the cushion.

I would not have that.

You have been together 6 months. 26 weeks. 182 days.

That part is assuming you will be together in a few years which is presumptuous after such a short time, particularly with a man who has been single most of his life anyway.

If you arent prepared to end things, he might just, given that assumption there.

QueenLizIII · 01/11/2016 10:26

I would not have said that.

Missing word

ChocolateWombat · 01/11/2016 10:26

And I remain amazed at how quick to take offence ourselves or on someone else's behalf, even with only very limited information people on MN are. Why so quick to see one incident as signs that someone is no good, that someone is cruel, orset out to hurt the OP, or is selfish and grabby, or that a bit of minor rudeness, even if unintended is a major crime.

I think that in relationships we need a bit of resilience and perspective. This isn't to say we should be doormats and put up with abuse or anything of the sort. It is simply recognising ion that we are all human and make mistakes.....and that to continue in a close relationship will inevitably involve that happening.....and it will also require some foregiveness and willingness to bear with other people's faults...and we hope they will bear with ours too..because none of us are perfect. It is also necessary to have some perspective and to be able to distinguish between a minor insensitivity and a serious action against ourselves,rather than seeing a major offence in very minor matters.

I don't know the Ops situation or the boyfriend. I suspect that she put a lot of effort into the gift, in the early days of their relationship and really really wanted him to love it. She simply misjudged what he liked. No big deal. And I suspect he struggled with himself about whether to say or not, but decided to and was a bit clumsy. I suspect he was trying to be helpful in suggesting tech......and perhaps just did t even give it much thought and would be amazed to know lots of women are discussing this issue on MN, because he can't really even see an issue. And I suspect that he's a bit amazed if he's getting texts about it and is either busy doing something else, or still doesn't quite see the issue......not signs that he is a cruel selfish monster.....just a man, who hasn't quite got how much effort OP put into the gift, who has tried to do and say the right thing, but hasn't got it quite right. None of it is a crime or even a really big deal, if it's in the context that him and OP are making a life together and enjoying it - in this context, it's actually of tiny tiny importance and not worth getting het up over.

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 10:27

I dint get the you hurt me so now I'm going to hurt you behaviour, where does it get you? It creates more bad feeling and upset. All this takes longer to get over. Maybe this is what the OP wants which is fine but if she genuinely want to continue with this relationship I don't see making the situation worse as the way forward. Sometimes one person has to be grown up enough to sat whoa let's stop hurting each other and move forward. After all apparently this is all over a clock (and maybe a poor choice in a cushion) that one person likes and the other doesn't and how it was responded too.
I've just proudly celebrated 29yrs of mainly happy marriage one learns to pick ones battles if OP you really like this man don't ruin it over a clock and a cushion.

YuckYuckEwwww · 01/11/2016 10:29

Oh now see I wouldn't have done what he did but I don't think you should buy people wall hangings - it's too personal and awkward if they hate it as they come with an obligation to display it in their home

Original poster

Lottiegal · 01/11/2016 10:30

Mega instant I kind of feel like you, like these are things memories are made of and I have many things people have given me that I didn't initially like, but have grown to like because if the person/memory attached.

I guess I feel like it's a statement from him that he doesn't want my imprint on his flat. When we met he said his flat felt barren and wanted to make it more personal with pictures of his travels. I offered to have some framed for his birthday but he declined saying he wanted hem done in a particular way that he could only get done in SA where he's originally from. I also offered to paint him a picture from the artic as he lived that trip (I'm an artist) I would have done it tastefully and minimally - but he said no. Yes he's honest but is he just not wanting my input on his space? I think this is what I find a bit upsetting aside from his choice of words

OP posts:

KungFuPandaWorksOut · 01/11/2016 10:31

See I get where he comes from. The first Christmas me and DH was together my FIL bought me a bunch of flowers that I'm allergic to and a massive box of dark chocolate, I loathe dark chocolate. I decided to not tell him as didn't want to look ungrateful and wanted too look good as still being new to the family. For a few years after I'd always get gifted the flowers and chocolates at some point through the year. This year, It was revealed that I'm allergic to the flowers and hate dark chocolate. My FIL was so upset that I hadn't told him and he had continued too waste money on these gifts that I didn't like, he would of preferred I told him the truth so he could of bought me gifts I liked.
Now if he hadn't told you he disliked the clock, you could of carried on buying items in that kind of style and theme. Wouldn't you rather spend money on gifts he we will like or use?

Original poster

Lottiegal · 01/11/2016 10:31

*loved that trip

OP posts:

ChocolateWombat · 01/11/2016 10:32

Arab, I agree again. This idea of making sure they know we are really really hurt, or having some kind of revenge and hurting them back isn't going to achieve anything, apart from an escalation from a minor issue into a big conflict. And why do that, unless you are looking to sabotage the relationship....because that's what making it into a huge deal and trying to hurt them back will do.

Yes, if you need to say you were a bit hurt, then do so. And move on. This isn't an issue that requires huge heart to heart talking over. It isn't a major affront to the OP. Unless this relationship is on its last legs and going down the pan, I would give it very little thought and just move on. Why look to make it into a bigger issue than it is which will generate a real problem? It seems to me that some people WANT to generate problems and make relationships fail. It's very odd in my mind.

ShelaghTurner · 01/11/2016 10:33

You should have taken your cues from that tbh. If I'd ever had the luxury of living on my own I wouldn't want other people's choices in my home. Why did you get him something for his home when he'd made it more than clear he didn't want that?

Roussette · 01/11/2016 10:33

Lottie I honestly think you're reading too much into this. Chocolate has it spot on.

amusedbush · 01/11/2016 10:34

Got to say if I received that text after 6 months of dating, especially a long distance relationship, I would think fuck it, it's not worth it and end things.

Me too. The comment about the cushion was petty, you took a cheap shot while you were hurt.

MackerelOfFact · 01/11/2016 10:37

It's one thing to want to save you the expense and to feel that your company is enough of a gift, it's quite another to poke fun at the gift and imply you should obviously have chosen something else.

My DP doesn't like receiving gifts, he lives a minimalistic life and likes to research and choose any purchases himself, so we just do something nice together instead. I would have been hurt if he'd reacted like this in the early days though. He accepted gifts graciously but when asked what he wanted next time, told me that what he'd really love would be to go and do X, Y or Z with me instead of a gift. So that's what we do.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 01/11/2016 10:38

Blimey.

I can't believe you sent that text - that was unbelievably rude and petty. Far ruder than him.

ChocolateWombat · 01/11/2016 10:38

Lottiegal, sounds to me like this isn't really just about the gift. You are questioning how much he wants you in his life. If that's the case, you do need to work through the issues in your own mind and with him too, but it's then about the bigger issues, rather than the clock!

We don't know if 6 months is too soon for him to feeling he wants you to have an input into his flat. He might just feel it's too soon and you will have to wait for this level of involvement, if you are to continue with him. Perhaps you are ready to go deeper in the relationship now than he is. You will have to decide if you can wait a bit longer to see if he reaches the point you want him to be at, or need that right now, so can't wait. Personally, I'd give it more time, because 6 months isn't that long and men often need more time to let someone fully into their life, especially if they have been on their own a lot. It's not necessarily a rejection of you...you might need to be patient. Depends on how much you want this to work and what you need right now. Good luck in deciding.

Serialweightwatcher · 01/11/2016 10:40

Take it back - keep the money and get him nothing in return ..... he could have put it in a spare room if he wasn't keen

DoinItFine · 01/11/2016 10:42

He turned down a lot of suggestions of various kinds and then slagged off what you eventually got ("what would I do with a clock?" Is a horrible thing to say to someone who just put a lot of thought into getting you a clock.)

That's not honesty, that's just being tiresome and hard work.

I can't get my head around turning down a piece of art made by someone I loved.

He sounds like a "value of nothing" person to me.

People that fussy about decor are really tedious and have no taste.

And people who describe expensive consumer electronic gadgets as "tech" are knobs.

You should buy him an altimeter.

Or this clock

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