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AIBU?

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Original poster

Gift for boyfriend was not well received

621 replies

Lottiegal · 31/10/2016 23:15

I'm divorced with three kids and have been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months. Things have been going pretty well so far and he seems committed etc. At the weekend was his 40th and we had dinner etc and some drinks. I'd deliberated for ages what to get him as a gift, originally we talked about going away but we couldn't find the time work and kids etc. He's a man of discerning taste, and we share a love of Scandinavia and good design, so I bought him an Aarne Jacobsen clock (a design classic) When he received it he thanked me and said it was a cool gift so I was pleased. Today though on the phone he said he was sorry he didn't like the gift and wanted to return it. I was a bit upset to be honest but hid my emotions and said I would return it. He then joked like 'what would I do with a clock, it's really not me' I felt hurt that I'd got it so wrong, and by his reaction. I did say I was upset that he didn't like it but he seemed almost annoyed that I'd got it for him.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottiegal · 01/11/2016 09:46

Not sure that was meant to be with apostrophe

OP posts:
MaisieJ · 01/11/2016 09:47

His attitude is appalling and i would have been really upset if I were you.

I would also have a chat with him about the way you "speak to each other) ... as that way you're not saying he's shit and you're ace ... and explain that he didn't have to like the clock but a bit of tact would have been nice - a bit like when he bought you a hideous cushion which you accepted with grace.

Only1scoop · 01/11/2016 09:50

So you spent nearer 300 pounds then Op?

BirdInTheRoom · 01/11/2016 09:50

I sometimes get annoyed at my husband panic buying and spending a lot of money on something I don't want, need or like - it feels like such a waste.

Having said that, any gift given 6 months into a relationship should be accepted with good grace.

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 09:53

I have a reputation for being direct (except when it comes to my dear friend who keeps buying me hideous gifts for my home that I don't know what to do with). I'm aware that not everyone likes it,. People tell me it takes them time to get used to it but once they have they like it.
On the other hand people who have been single for a long time can sometimes IMO lack any sensitivity to others.
If I was you OP put this episode to one side and look at the bigger picture, if your generally happy in this relationship let it go, you made a mistake misjudged what you thought he'd like and bought him the wrong thing, maybe he also made a mistake in his reaction. After to all "to err is human".

Original poster
Lottiegal · 01/11/2016 09:55

Ok this is the message I sent him...

Look I could tell by our conversation that you felt awkward telling me the truth about the gift, I do appreciate your honesty.

The thing is the way you approached the subject makes me wonder what your feelings are towards me. I think your comments were very rude and insensitive considering I had put a lot of thought into the gift. In my book if it's a gift given by someone you love you accept with grace as to not hurt their feelings. I did not like the cushion you gave me but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

I don't expect you to like everything I give you, and I understand you feel embarrassed that I spent that much on you. But to say I should return it and you'd rather have 'tech' is a bit inconsiderate. It makes me feel like I'm being a fool investing in this relationship

I think you should have kept it and used it and maybe in a few years over a glass of wine we could have laughed about it and I would mention the cushion.

I'm sure in time this will seem silly, but I feel I have to mention the way I feel about it right now. Call me if you want to chat

OP posts:
Roussette · 01/11/2016 09:58

But surely after only six months together buying something like a wall clock is such a difficult purchase. You don't really know their style, you don't know what they like up on the wall, if anything, and it's such a risk. It's taken me years and years to work out what DH actually likes.

I also think it's quite a big statement giving something like that, not just money wise

Aeroflotgirl · 01/11/2016 09:58

Thats a good message, you could have left out the last two little paragraphs, and leave it with him, his reaction will tell you where the relationship is going. I just googled those clocks, they are really nice, contemporary and modern, not some old fashioned cookhoo clock, or mantle piece timepiece.

MaisieJ · 01/11/2016 09:58

Sounds perfect and I'm glad you told him you didn't like the cushion. I hope it hurt him.

DoinItFine · 01/11/2016 09:59

has said to me he won't sugar coat the truth and will say what he thinks.

100% of people who say this are objectionable twats.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/11/2016 09:59

The thing is, op got something that she thought was his style, as he has other pieces by the same designer, or things that are similar.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/11/2016 10:01
  • He is also very direct sometimes in the way he talks and has said to me he won't sugar coat the truth and will say what he thinks. Saying that he has been single for most of his adult life"*

I wonder why, translates into, I am a rude twat! so ladies stay clear of him for good reason.

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 10:04

Did you txt him all of that?
I'm not surprised he's not replied he's trying to think up an appropriate response. I personally would have said it to his face rather than a txt message.
OP would you really want him to hang up a £200 clock in his own home that he didn't like? Giving is about the pleasure someone gets from your gift, if he only hangs up this clock it to make you happy is that really giving? It would be different if you shared a home my DH has things I'm not mad on and vice versa.

Toffeelatteplease · 01/11/2016 10:04

He said not to get him anything that he didn't want or need anything

If I'd said this and then someone bought something that I not only didn't want need or like but also was very expensive. I'd have trouble responding politely too.

The holiday I'd be more bothered by. But then I would also not like someone telling me I should have just put something up to be grateful.

Tbh in his position I'd leave it a few days see whether I still missed the person then deal with it. Or not as the case maybe.

iknowimcoming · 01/11/2016 10:05

I think (unless you've gone overdrawn to buy it) you should get the clock back and keep it for yourself. I can see how some people are prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt with being honest etc but I think your gut is telling you this is more than that and for what it's worth I think your gut is right. The lack of reply to your text is very telling. I think I know why he's still single, it's because he's a bit of a twat, sorry OP. Find someone who deserves you Flowers

Delatron · 01/11/2016 10:06

I think my husband is like this and to be honest I've just got used to his honesty! If I buy him something he doesn't like he tells me and we exchange it! He's a bugger to buy for but at least when he says he likes something I know he means it? He does it to his parents too. I used to think he was so rude at Christmas!

However, he does it nicely and purely comes from a position that he doesn't want anyone to waste money on him. I now do the same back to him! We never have to put up with gifts we don't like.

I think if everything else is going well in the relationship then I wouldn't leave him over this. He is just being honest. It is too much money for something he doesn't like. You put a lot of thought in to it so you are just feeling hurt right now. He wasn't too tactful and I don't like the techy comment! Don't spend £200 quid on him though. Take it back and just let him chose a smaller gift another time?

Amelie10 · 01/11/2016 10:06

I think it was fair that he let you know. You spent quite a bit on a clock that looks pretty standard and something you can pick up at a supermarket. Maybe he didn't want you to think that he likes these types of gifts and waste money on them.

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 10:07

"I hope it hurt him"
Is that honestly the best way to conduct a relationship? I'm very hurt so now I'm going to hurt you? And people are shocked he hasn't replied in 12 hours!

Roussette · 01/11/2016 10:09

Delatron your post is just what I would say.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/11/2016 10:09

My dh has an Amazon gift list, so I buy from there, much easier.

Original poster
Lottiegal · 01/11/2016 10:10

Yes I did text as I find it easier to get across what I want to say that way rather than on the phone. When he initiatally told me last night on the phone I was a bit shocked and he could tell I was upset and I didn't want to get emotional about it over the phone.

We have a long distance relationship and only see each other at weekends so I didn't want this to fester so I sent the message.

OP posts:
birdybirdywoofwoof · 01/11/2016 10:11

I have sympathy for both of you: Sits on the clock!

  • He's thinking: I don't like it, should I pretend I do? Nah, better to be honest...
  • You're thinking: Ungrateful twat.

You're both right.

I feel your message was a bit much - by text/mail - it would have been better face to face (sorry)

FishyWishies · 01/11/2016 10:13

Are you prepared to break up over this OP?

DoinItFine · 01/11/2016 10:14

If it's a relationship where being brutally honest about gifts is the rule, then yes it seems right to make sure he is under no illusions that his elephant cushion was a nice thing to give someone.

MaisieJ · 01/11/2016 10:14

Yes I do hope it hurt him. So he can see how he made OP feel.