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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu? Fallen out with sister over DP

353 replies

Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 17:39

Nc for this....im usually in the pregnancy section so be gentle....

I've had a bit of a row with my sister today. We were at our parent's house for Sunday lunch, and I was talking about my wedding plans.

To give a bit of background - DP had split up with an on and off girlfriend of a few years when I met him. When we were together a few weeks, she revealed she was pregnant with his child. His daughter is now 2. We have her eow and for tea twice a week.....we wanted 50/50 but the ex wouldn't agree.

She is really hard work- always wanting to know what we are doing with dsd, where we have taken her. It's been hard for DP to bond with dsd at times because ex won't give him space to be a dad to her without her hovering over her shoulder.

Anyway, she won't let us keep dsd at the wedding overnight, which is potentially awkward as ex doesn't drive so how is dsd going to get back home?

My sister and parents are quite old fashioned. I was explaining the situation to them and asking their advice, and my sister said she was sick of my moaning and how negative I was over dsd. I love dsd and have been in her life from birth, obviously I was cross and things got heated. Dsis has NEVER liked DP and she made this clear

Dsis and I are not talking now. My parents are saying I should apologise but surely Dsis should be the one to apologise?

This is such a mess. My wedding is in six weeks. I am also 8 weeks pregnant and have had horrendous morning sickness and feel stressed and exhausted as it is

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 30/10/2016 20:00

i didnt say he was sahd i said others are in responding to a child should be with their mother

why shouldnt she get to know andbe used to her step mother

there some really weird replies on here

SheldonCRules · 30/10/2016 20:02

If you are so convinced you are in the right, why NC?

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 20:03

Op doesn't not see DSD the ex has been reasonable in level of contact for her age I'm guessing there's no restrictions on op not being present just she's not prepared to do overnights just yet.

QueenLizIII · 30/10/2016 20:03

You can't blame a woman for being keener to use her own parents for childcare than the OW piglet

Exactly and the child benefits from contact with a grandparent.

Proxy contact with the OW who is absolutely nothing to the child and no biological relation and is nasty about her mother and disrespectful of her wishes....that will really be in the child's best interests?

You never know motherhood may hit the OP like a tonne of bricks. CS or tearing, sore nipples, sleep deprived, knee deep in shat nappies.....she may the 2 yo off her hands when she is in the thick of it.

Careforadrink · 30/10/2016 20:03

Yabu

I feel sorry for the ex. You come over as entitled.

But I think you'll have bigger problems a few years down the line and quite possibly end up in her position.

You should have stayed well clear of a man in his position. Red flags all over the place. Listen to your sister.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/10/2016 20:04

You can't blame a woman for being keener to use her own parents for childcare than the OW piglet

You missed the bit about leaving them with any partner ex may have.

We have no way of knowing if she was the OW or not.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/10/2016 20:06

QueenLiz Maybe quote the bit about DSF looking after the child aswell.

except that wouldn't have slowed you to have a dig would it

QueenLizIII · 30/10/2016 20:07

They were in love straight away a week after he left the OP and she was pregnant. They were fucking the same man at the same time. She is naive enough to believe there was any gap.

QueenLizIII · 30/10/2016 20:07

Piglet would you hand your DC to this OP?

MNHQ
FlissMumsnet · 30/10/2016 20:07

to put your minds at ease, we have found nothing that indicates there are sock puppets at work here. As you were.....Smile

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 20:10

I agree I think there was a cross over wether or not op will admit it I think that would explains why she is so negative, although the ex was on the scene first and had a more established relationship first so if anyone should be unhappy it should be her but she seems reasonable having a decent level of contact but at the same time protecting the interests of her DD.

Manumission · 30/10/2016 20:10

We have no way of knowing if she was the OW or not.

Agreed. But we can be pretty sure OP feels or looks like the OW to the ex.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/10/2016 20:11

Piglet would you hand your DC to this OP?

I don't know them strangely enough other than a few posts on a thread and unless you are the OP, neither do you.

ohwhatsinausername · 30/10/2016 20:11

I've been here. But I was the pregnant ex who got left...

All I can read from this is how over the top you are being!

From someone who has been through this and only wants what is best for her children, let me tell you how hard that is, trying to arrange contact with their Father in itself, let alone having an interferring fiance chirping up in the background!

My interests lie solely with my kids and how he is with them...but I can hand on heart say, if I ever thought his gf was the one trying to call the shots where they were concerned, it would make my blood boil and probably cause me to be difficult on purpose! You are not helping yourself, at all...

As it is and how I see it, you're a spare part in this. All I care about is that when my kids are with him, she treats them like her own.

But to try demand his DD be at your wedding? It might be your wedding too but that's between him and her, on how they're going to deal with that one! Pick ups, drop off, attendance etc - all them. She is their child!

Always is and always will be until DSD is old enough to make her own choices so if you can't deal with that now...how are you going to cope with this until she is a teenager?!

As for your Sister, I don't think she was being unreasonable. You must've known the shit storm you were getting into when you got with him, so yes, she's probably a little fed up of your woe is me speech.

She might be your DSD because you've been in her life from birth but you sound as though you have zero respect for her actual Mother!

You say you feel sorry for DP but that was his call wasn't it? He chose to live his life with you instead and he hasn't been refused access, even if it's not overnight?

I choose to let my kids go overnight because I want them to have him in their life but it doesn't mean it makes it easy!! My heart breaks everytime and they all stay together at his gf house - takes a strong woman to f*cking let that happen, trust me but you won't understand this until your baby arrives and you see how fiercly protective you become.

You really need to accept you will never have the deciding vote over what happens with DSD and back off, otherwise it's a disaster waiting to happen...and apologise to your Sister for starting an arguement over something that you shouldn't be adding pressure to in the first place!

GabsAlot · 30/10/2016 20:11

she hasnt been horrible to the ex sh just says the ex ha been diffcult

nowhere is it stated she does this in front of the dsd

Manumission · 30/10/2016 20:12

Maybe quote the bit about DSF looking after the child aswell.

It was your choice to bracket stepfathers and grandparents together like that that was odd TBH piglet

BoooBoooBooo · 30/10/2016 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToastyFingers · 30/10/2016 20:17

When your baby is however old dsd was when 50/50 contact was suggested, think about how you would feel spending half the week away from him/her.

Then, apologise to dsd's mum and feel suitably ashamed at calling her manipulative for wanting what is best for her daughter.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/10/2016 20:18

It was your choice to bracket stepfathers and grandparents together like that that was odd TBH

No it isn't. post police

ToastyFingers · 30/10/2016 20:18

X post with BoooBoooBooo

Great minds and what-not.

OnionKnight · 30/10/2016 20:21

The OP is getting a hard time, why shouldn't her DP request overnight access? He is the father after all.

Manumission · 30/10/2016 20:23

Well yes it is odd piglet, because a stepparent or parents partner can be a virtual stranger or someone who's integral to a child's life. It's a very broad term.

But a mother using GPS for childcare isn't comment worthy at all. That's not post policing it's common sense.

So when you tried to make your "oh but it's ok for MUMS to leave a child with a DSF or GP" point, you were indeed oddly bracketing very different people together in your rush to insist that dads were being done down Wink

Gingermuffin · 30/10/2016 20:25

I may have got carried away with my earlier post and missed the point I was trying to make.

If you can treat DSDs mum as your enemy, she will act as your enemy. This will not be good for you, your baby, your DP or DSD. However if you can put yourself in her shoes and think for a minute how you would feel, it will help you to understand where her reactions are coming from.

Sometimes you will realise that your expectations and wants just aren't reasonable at that point in time but yes sometimes she might be coming from a place of bitterness. Being honest, not many people wouldn't be bitter in her situation.

Your DP will never be able to put himself in her shoes but you can if you try and you can help him see her side too. If you want to be involved it is the most positive way you can be.

If you can both try to understand where she's coming from, cut her a bit of slack from time to time and show her that you are not trying to hurt her or get one up her you are far more likely to sort things out amicably.

Manumission · 30/10/2016 20:26

He is the father after all.

So OP keeps telling us. But there's more to being a parent than being there at the conception. Perhaps he'd do better to do some parenting instead of getting his partner to tell everyone about it.

228agreenend · 30/10/2016 20:29

I don't see why the dp should stay single when the ex was pregnant - he's not a monk. If we believe op's timeline, dp was single when he and op got together. Ex may not have even realised she was pregnant at that point. Op and dp have been together since.