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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu? Fallen out with sister over DP

353 replies

Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 17:39

Nc for this....im usually in the pregnancy section so be gentle....

I've had a bit of a row with my sister today. We were at our parent's house for Sunday lunch, and I was talking about my wedding plans.

To give a bit of background - DP had split up with an on and off girlfriend of a few years when I met him. When we were together a few weeks, she revealed she was pregnant with his child. His daughter is now 2. We have her eow and for tea twice a week.....we wanted 50/50 but the ex wouldn't agree.

She is really hard work- always wanting to know what we are doing with dsd, where we have taken her. It's been hard for DP to bond with dsd at times because ex won't give him space to be a dad to her without her hovering over her shoulder.

Anyway, she won't let us keep dsd at the wedding overnight, which is potentially awkward as ex doesn't drive so how is dsd going to get back home?

My sister and parents are quite old fashioned. I was explaining the situation to them and asking their advice, and my sister said she was sick of my moaning and how negative I was over dsd. I love dsd and have been in her life from birth, obviously I was cross and things got heated. Dsis has NEVER liked DP and she made this clear

Dsis and I are not talking now. My parents are saying I should apologise but surely Dsis should be the one to apologise?

This is such a mess. My wedding is in six weeks. I am also 8 weeks pregnant and have had horrendous morning sickness and feel stressed and exhausted as it is

OP posts:

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/10/2016 19:38

Piglet at the age of two they would grant more? They get two days a week and eow

They could grant overnights yes.

We had overnights at that age.

Lunar1 · 30/10/2016 19:40

What were things like when your dsd was born, did you over involve yourself then too. Or did your dp see them without you.

In answer to you at the start of this, yes he should have stayed single while she was pregnant and while they had a young baby. No new mother should have to factor an outsider into the situation. As soon as she found out she was pregnant he should have taken a massive step back from you and shown his ex some respect.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 19:40

Depends on the child,the circumstances involved.

Dontpanicpyke · 30/10/2016 19:40

As a mil and gran I wouldn't really want to be minding both a baby and a toddler at my own sons wedding thanks.

sarahnova69 · 30/10/2016 19:42

YABU.

Your attitude to your DP's ex and your DSD is both naive and entitled. I can completely see why your sister has had enough.

Back out of the arrangements to do with DSD, accept that DSD's mother knows what's good for her daughter better than you, and apologise to your sister.

GabsAlot · 30/10/2016 19:43

i think op i getting a hard time here

why shouldnt he have his dd for 50 percent of the time? why sholdnt she be allowe overnight

the ex is prob just jalous an is making it awkward for u-id get legal advice to see if he has chance of getting more access

i know smeone who wouldnt let their ex haev their son overnight just because-there wasnt any reason it ended up in court and they were 2 at the time aswell-he won because it was just bitterness no real reason

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 19:43

Dont so you wouldn't mind your own GC so that your DS could enjoy his wedding? Thats baffling to be honest I'm glad my own parents didn't have that attitude to my two DC on my wedding.

Also op said mil offered to get a room with DSD so I assume she was prepared to keep an eye on DSD during the wedding.

CalleighDoodle · 30/10/2016 19:44

Also, not referring to the child as 'it' might help...

unleashingtheflyingmonkeys · 30/10/2016 19:44

OP - You are in the very early stages of pregnancy, step back from the situation with the ex as much as you can as the stress will do neither you or the baby any good.

The wedding - Having DSD overnight at the wedding poss isn't a good idea, you will both spend most of the day watching an over tired, over stimulated toddler who will be surrounded by lots of people she doesn't know. I think the ex is probably doing you a favour wanting her dropped home. Let her be a flowergirl, and in all the photos, and for the wedding breakfast, then arrange for someone to nip her home. You can then enjoy adult time as a wedding, shes been included - everyone is happy. Is MIL really not going to drink so she can look after DSD? Pick your battles.

Don't have the ex there if you don't want her there. I have a feeling she wont want to be there anyway and watching the father of your child marry someone she will see as the OW (whether shes right or not) will not be nice, and after a drink or two, be the makings of a kick off.

50/50 is sometimes seen as a status, almost a tick box to being a good dad. At 2 its little and often. It doesn't matter how often, as long as this little girl knows her dad is there for her, loves her, and on so and so day she will see him. Overnight atm isn't the be all and end all. Quality is more important than quantity. If your DP can show that even though he is married and has a new child nothing has changed she will no doubt start to change her mind re contact. Don't let things escalate to the point it ends up in court, that is an expense, heart wrenching mess no one wants, especially DSD. Take whatever she offers and try to show her support.

You are about to become a parent. Focus your time on your LO. Let DP step in and deal with his EX. The more you show involvement, and the whole 'we' thing will just wind her up. I'm not against you or saying theres right and wrong, but when your DSD is older you and DP need to be able to say to her truthfully

We loved you and did our best for you
We supported your Mum as much as we could

-We always wanted to see you as much as we could and never let you down

You have a home with us too
We have always been a family

Hours spent together doesn't equal a family, its love, consideration and effort you give each other that does that.

Arrange for step daughter to go home after the speeches and enjoy your wedding. Tell DSIS, shes had her opinion, you didn't find it helpful or correct, but shes entitled to it anyway. Lets agree to disagree, and that as your pregnant and about to get married, lets agree to not talk about it. And leave it there.

NB - If DSD mum gets the hump, she may well just be giving you lip service saying she can go, then on the day or the night before, she gets 'ill' or she decides she cant go. Be prepared for that to happen if you keep pushing the issues and rowing with her. Get DP to have a chat with her by himself, saying the most important thing is that DSD is there, he doesn't want her looking at wedding photos in the future where she is missing. Say someone will drop her back.

How is she getting ready in the morning btw? Assign someone from DP family (not yours wont help the current row) to pick her up, watch her on the day, drop her home.

Enjoy your day

Drbint · 30/10/2016 19:45

Has your DP actually asked his ex what she would think best about their daughter going to your wedding, and if so, how they will arrange it? Because from your OP, he hasn't: how is dsd going to get back home?
And this doesn't come over as sensible or mature. It actually comes over as silly and weak.

Did your sister seriously never tell you to get the fuck out of there when you found out the ex was pregnant? And did she never tell you to grow the hell up if you countered with the big 7-week romance? If not, she's been incredibly forebearing. My sisters would have come right out with what they think of a man who's done what your DP has, and a woman who stays with him. His track record is shite, loads of people will think it's shite, and just as many will think you're a fool for staying with him and having a child after what he did to the last one.

All other comments on ex made here say the rest. You are not in a Mills & Boon.

Looneytune253 · 30/10/2016 19:45

Tell him to remind the mother of his daughter that she is his daughter too and is perfectly entitled to have her at his own wedding. If ex wants her home after a certain time there is no reason why she shouldn't make the arrangements. Sounds like ex is bitter and being deliberately awkward.

TaliDiNozzo · 30/10/2016 19:46

Look OP, you need to back off from your DP's relationship with his DD. The timing is extremely iffy and I'm not surprised if DP's ex has found this difficult.

Stop immediately with the 'we' business. If you're doing this in real life then you're no doubt upsetting and winding up DP's ex and I can totally see why this would annoy your sister as well. She is probably irritated with continually having to hear you moan about the ex who in the circumstances sounds like she's been quite reasonable.

All you can do here is apologise to your sister and remember in the future to stay out of your DP's arrangements and relationship with his ex.

CalleighDoodle · 30/10/2016 19:47

op whats your housing situation? Do you have three bedrooms? Does your fiance's daughter have a room?

QueenLizIII · 30/10/2016 19:47

why shouldnt he have his dd for 50 percent of the time?

she is 2. She is better off with a primary caregiver at that age.

Do neither of her parents work? What will become of the child when her father is at work when he has her for half the time. If he is at work and someone else watching her until he comes home wtf is the point in him having 50/50 custody if he is at work anyway and not physically with her.

If he is not at work then how is he supporting one and nearly 2 children.

WannaBe · 30/10/2016 19:48

You were the ow (because let's face it if the ex found out she was pregnant weeks after you got together it's not hard to realise they were having sex at the same time you were,) so it strikes me you are lashing out at the ex because of insecurity, and the DSD spoiled your fun because she wasn't part of the plan.

GabsAlot · 30/10/2016 19:51

so no 2 years old spend time with just their fathers? sahd?

even if not 50 percent nothing wrong with overnight stays

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 19:51

Queen I agree I always wonder this, it ends up being the SM or GF looks by after DC whilst DF is at work. I never understand why it's approiate to remove a child from their mother half time for this person to parent that child when they aren't biologically related. At 2 a child needs a primary care giver and stability in their lives in this case that's her mother.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 19:53

Gabs he pays maintenance it's is highly unlikely that he is a sahd, they most likely want 50% access so op can raise DSD when he is at work, which makes no sense at that age she should be with her mum

malificent7 · 30/10/2016 19:53

I'm with your sister tbh. Your dp sounds flaky to say the least with regards to this ex of his. She is probably a bit hurt/jealous but that is perfectly natural. She is bound to be 'hard work' as you put it or demanding as she is a new mum and your dp has responsibilities towards her.
I would feel insecure in this situation tbh.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/10/2016 19:54

Queen I agree I always wonder this, it ends up being the SM or GF looks by after DC whilst DF is at work.

And if the DM works what if the DSF or GP look after the child.

Or is that OK...

Drbint · 30/10/2016 19:55

so no 2 years old spend time with just their fathers? sahd?

Except the 2 year old wouldn't be spending time with her father. As the OP has clearly said above, he won't be looking after her at his own wedding.

This might be why the ex doesn't want her daughter staying overnight. I wouldn't want my child doing that in the same situation.

QueenofallIsee · 30/10/2016 19:56

I split with my DFS father when she was 18th old, we had joint custody from the age of 2. My DD went to her father and his then gf (now wife) overnight for 2 nights which increased to 3 when she got older.

The things that made this possible are the very things that make it unlikely for you and your DP. They were respectful of me as her mother, they were pleasant to me and about me, they put my dd first every single time, we all tried to be flexible and act as a unit NOT as 2 opposing sides. I suggest you try that as an approach rather than whining about her not handily fading into oblivion

HyacinthFuckit · 30/10/2016 19:56

It's not just about whether DSDs father should have 50/50 at a young age, it's about how it's inappropriate for OP to be presenting him and her as a 'we' at that point. You can believe passionately in 50/50 from birth and still think OP is unwise in that respect.

Manumission · 30/10/2016 19:58

You can't blame a woman for being keener to use her own parents for childcare than the OW piglet

But I think the broader point is that if the choice is ever between an hr spent with a parent or that same hr being spent with a partner of the other parent, parent takes priority.

Proxy contact is a strange concept.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 20:00

What Manumission said

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