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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu? Fallen out with sister over DP

353 replies

Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 17:39

Nc for this....im usually in the pregnancy section so be gentle....

I've had a bit of a row with my sister today. We were at our parent's house for Sunday lunch, and I was talking about my wedding plans.

To give a bit of background - DP had split up with an on and off girlfriend of a few years when I met him. When we were together a few weeks, she revealed she was pregnant with his child. His daughter is now 2. We have her eow and for tea twice a week.....we wanted 50/50 but the ex wouldn't agree.

She is really hard work- always wanting to know what we are doing with dsd, where we have taken her. It's been hard for DP to bond with dsd at times because ex won't give him space to be a dad to her without her hovering over her shoulder.

Anyway, she won't let us keep dsd at the wedding overnight, which is potentially awkward as ex doesn't drive so how is dsd going to get back home?

My sister and parents are quite old fashioned. I was explaining the situation to them and asking their advice, and my sister said she was sick of my moaning and how negative I was over dsd. I love dsd and have been in her life from birth, obviously I was cross and things got heated. Dsis has NEVER liked DP and she made this clear

Dsis and I are not talking now. My parents are saying I should apologise but surely Dsis should be the one to apologise?

This is such a mess. My wedding is in six weeks. I am also 8 weeks pregnant and have had horrendous morning sickness and feel stressed and exhausted as it is

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/10/2016 20:30

Or maybe he does and OP is venting on here.

Contrary to common MN brief, not all SM are bad, not all exW/P are angels and there are good dad's out there.

Life isn't straight forward funnily enough.

QueenLizIII · 30/10/2016 20:31

The OPs own sister is telling her to butt out. Her sister knows more than we do.

That says it all.

WannaBe · 30/10/2016 20:33

So if the DP is so desperate for overnight access why hasn't he gone to court?

CalleighDoodle · 30/10/2016 20:39

Presumably because his priority is paying for the wedding, not paying court costs to see his daughter more.

ohwhatsinausername · 30/10/2016 20:45

Even though I speak from experience...the details of how they got together etc are actually irrelevant!

I think even under the most amicable breakup that could ever possibly exist...it would be naive to then just assume that everything regarding the kids would be agreed upon, smoothly and immediately.

Of course the Father has the right to ask for his DD to be at his Wedding and overnight but my main concerns would be what would happen whilst she was there and who would look after her properly as understandly Father will actually busy! etc etc and I wouldn't have been happy with her going until I was satisfied with the answers.

OP has the right to vent about it too but it's not fair of her to try and interfere in those discussions. She can be supportive to DP all she wants, even offer him advice on how to handle it but ultimately she can't (and shouldn't be trying to) do anymore than that...or it could make this worse.

stella23 · 30/10/2016 20:45

So dsd Would be looked after by her nan, how often does she see her nan, is it really appropriate for dsd to have her first overnight contact at a wedding? Surely it would be quite stressful for her. Why the push to have her now?

Be honest with yourself op, Do
You really want her there for her benefit or do you want her there to show off and have in the photos.

Myusernameismyusername · 30/10/2016 20:45

I happen to really like my DC stepmum but then she has always been very nice to me. That's why it works amicably.

WannaBe · 30/10/2016 20:50

Sounds like it, never ceases to amaze me these people who seem to be able to afford weddings and to have yet more children, but can't or won't pursue better relationships with the ones they already have. Better to slag off the ex instead

ThatStewie · 30/10/2016 20:53

We can't know what's actually happened over the past three years. However, a man who has struggled to bond with his child and who thinks having his mother take care of the child overnight in a hotel room when the child has never spent a night away from their mother doesn't scream 'great Dad'. Lots of families are complicated and child access is fraught due to hurt and anger and a billion other things that make life interesting. Men still manage to bond with their children. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and everyone else manage to bond with babies without seeing them two nights a week and EOW. That you think it's normal for your fiancé not to have bonded properly is incredibly worrying and I have to wonder how much childcare he's doing when the child is with you. And how much of the caring work you've been doing in his place. I suspect you've been doing more of the parenting and your sister has noticed.

HermioneJeanGranger · 30/10/2016 20:54

I wouldn't be okay for my DD's first overnight with her dad to be at a wedding where she was looked after by her nan! Wouldn't she want to see her daddy at the wedding anyway? I imagine if is invited and able to attend, she'd kick up an almighty fuss at not being able to cuddle her dad the whole time, anyway, so your idea of packing her off to bed with nan while her dad parties might not actually work, OP.

Dontpanicpyke · 30/10/2016 20:57

Bubble

I adore my grandchild and mind him 3 days a week!

However I wouldn't want to have to mind a lively 2 year old who has never slept over before and a baby!

I don't know how old mil is but I am fairly young and fit but would find that too much. Weddings and 2 year olds don't mix.

LIZS · 30/10/2016 20:58

Who are you expecting to look after dsd on the day? Can your dp's family help and arrange for her to get home, even if they take her in a taxi? Your dsis may have a point if all you do is suggest dsd gets in the way of your plans.

WannaBe · 30/10/2016 21:01

"Of course the Father has the right to ask for his DD to be at his Wedding and overnight but my main concerns would be what would happen whilst she was there and who would look after her properly as understandly Father will actually busy! etc etc and I wouldn't have been happy with her going until I was satisfied with the answers." actually I disagree there, apart from the overnight the DP is her father. If he sees his dd every other weekend and during the week it's not up to his ex to dictate what happens.

LIZS · 30/10/2016 21:03

Sorry just caught up. If you've never had her overnight, your wedding day is probably not the best time to start. How well does she know your mil? 50/50 at aged 2 in current circumstances seems very unrealistic and especially with your own baby in the offing.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 30/10/2016 21:05

Have you considered not to have the two year old at the wedding? She'll need constant supervision, and you and DP will be busy, so will his parents I presume?

eyebrowsonfleek · 30/10/2016 21:05

I think this is one of those cases where the other side of the story would be very different to yours.

always wanting to know what we are doing with dsd, where we have taken her might be interested rather than hard work. She might be curious to know how often dsd sees extended family or she might postpone a trip to the zoo/McDonalds/wherever if she went with her dad during contact. Is it possible that you are viewing her actions with suspicions because she's his ex and mother or dsd?

The ex sounds very reasonable. "Average" contact is a mid-week visit and EOW (one overnight). Two days and EOW (until tea time which is close to bedtime) sounds similar really . Either way, get to mediation or court if the dad prefers the former. (he could get it)

Your sister is worried about you because your husband-to-be has an awful track record. Sorry but you're the step mother not the mother and make frequent references to "we" (because you love the dsd). Maybe your sister is worrying because should your partner do the same to you, you will have to deal with the breakup of your relationship with dsd and your partner. Maybe she thinks that your partner should be worrying about practical stuff and not you as it's "his" problem. I think most sisters wouldn't like their sister marrying and having a baby with a man like your husband to be. If the tables were reversed, you'd worry too.

When you become a mother, you will understand how hard it is to hand your child to someone else. Even when your h looks after the baby alone for the first time, you will feel anxious until they return. Handing your baby over to professionals like childminders and nurseries are hard never mind an ex-partner who you've never seen parenting your child.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 21:08

I don't agree with the overnight Dont but I think when it's your DC special day such as a wedding you would make an expection to over see your GC were looked after given a wedding is about a couple who are getting married not you having a good time.

My DS said he was pretty much left to his own devices at his DF wedding he's 8 , they didn't make sure he had drinks and he realised just how close and supportive my family was at our wedding and included him in it.

I get that DSD is apart of the family and being so family should help with her inregards to the wedding my but that the amount of time she spends there is limited due to her age.

ohwhatsinausername · 30/10/2016 21:09

I didn't say it was dictating whether she could go or not...I meant, understandly, if DP suddenly wants his DD overnight and it happens to be their wedding, then it's not ideal circumstances for her to go, really. My DD's have already been going, so if they get married, then I wouldn't mind them being there for a wedding but I think for a first time overnight stay, it's not the best of times.

No doubt the ex would have these sorts of questions before contemplating it but it still remains, it should be up to DP and ex to go over the particulars, not OP. Maybe I worded it badly...

I happen to agree with you when you said if DP wanted her overnight before this, then he should have acted on it before now, regardless of this being a special occasion for DP.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 21:10

I also get the impression that the ex isn't stopping her DSD attending just that she doesn't want her to stay overnight which she doesn't anyways normally. She might have trouble sleeping, nightmares etc and seeks comfort with her mother.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 30/10/2016 21:10

I didn't realist that this would be the first overnight stay. I think your DP should be listening to his Ex on this one, it's a bit selfish to insist on this when it's the one night there is a huge amount going on. That first night should be calm, quiet, relaxed and child focused, don't you think OP?

Lilacpink40 · 30/10/2016 21:13

Going home to her own bed after a hectic wedding day would be better for a 2 year old.

I can't explain why, but I feel uncomfortable at the entitled way you refer to DSD. If you did split up with DP you wouldn't have any rights to her. If you do care for her you'd be better off trying to hear her mum's thoughts and not trying to go against her. It sounds like a highly tense situation about to get worse.

seven201 · 30/10/2016 21:25

Op you seem set on ignoring all opinions on here as they are not the same as yours. A two year old should be staying with their mum overnight imo. Why can't your mil just take her back to her mum in a taxi and then come back again? I can understand you both wanting her at the wedding but she's too little to be up partying in the evening so she's best off in bed at home. I'm siding with your sister here. I know this is patronising but I think when you have your own dc you will realise how unreasonable you have been. I know you say your dp is a parent so understands, but with respect he doesn't as he doesn't spend most of the time with dd. Also, I know this is rude but you sound young/immature and possibly even jealous. The past is in the past. Try and forget any of the bad stuff the ex has done and just get along for the sake of everyone.

iminshock · 30/10/2016 21:27

No idea why people are extrapolating stuff that isn't applicable to OP's situation !
Like telling her she should have walked away when the ex announced she was pregnant.

And as for those saying don't bring the kid at all - are you serious ?! It's the groom's daughter Confused Of course he wants her there. It is utterly ridiculous for the ex to not allow an overnight stay on the wedding , effectively barring the kid from being there at all.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/10/2016 21:29

Try and forget any of the bad stuff the ex has done and just get along for the sake of everyone.

Looking forward to you saying that in the numerous posts where posters complain about their exes.

Dontpanicpyke · 30/10/2016 21:36

bubble

It's not about the mil having a good time of course most grandparents love minding their grandchildren but a 2 year old at a wedding is bloody hard work and actually personally I would t want the sole responsibility. As for it being her first sleepover that's a recipie for disaster. Poor pet would miss her mum.

Your ds was 8! Very very different from 2. Sad they didn't see he had drinks and things though how odd.