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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu? Fallen out with sister over DP

353 replies

Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 17:39

Nc for this....im usually in the pregnancy section so be gentle....

I've had a bit of a row with my sister today. We were at our parent's house for Sunday lunch, and I was talking about my wedding plans.

To give a bit of background - DP had split up with an on and off girlfriend of a few years when I met him. When we were together a few weeks, she revealed she was pregnant with his child. His daughter is now 2. We have her eow and for tea twice a week.....we wanted 50/50 but the ex wouldn't agree.

She is really hard work- always wanting to know what we are doing with dsd, where we have taken her. It's been hard for DP to bond with dsd at times because ex won't give him space to be a dad to her without her hovering over her shoulder.

Anyway, she won't let us keep dsd at the wedding overnight, which is potentially awkward as ex doesn't drive so how is dsd going to get back home?

My sister and parents are quite old fashioned. I was explaining the situation to them and asking their advice, and my sister said she was sick of my moaning and how negative I was over dsd. I love dsd and have been in her life from birth, obviously I was cross and things got heated. Dsis has NEVER liked DP and she made this clear

Dsis and I are not talking now. My parents are saying I should apologise but surely Dsis should be the one to apologise?

This is such a mess. My wedding is in six weeks. I am also 8 weeks pregnant and have had horrendous morning sickness and feel stressed and exhausted as it is

OP posts:
SheldonCRules · 30/10/2016 19:23

She's two, she won't have a clue.

Given how devoted you say your partner is, why is he farming out childcare to his mum and not doing it himself? I can see why the ex doesn't want her to stay overnight as he can't actually be bothered to look after her himself.

It would be interesting to know, if he leaves you pregnant would you give him 50/50 access and still claim him to be a wonderful father? I doubt it very much.

HermioneJeanGranger · 30/10/2016 19:24

she really was never that interested in DP, she called the shots and expected him to come running as and when,I doubt she was that upset at us getting together.

You only have his view on that, though. I can imagine it was very different for the ex once she found out she was pregnant and he'd shacked up with someone else only a week after they split.

You're pregnant, can't you at least try and sympathise with how she must have felt? She was pregnant and the father was already in a relationship with someone else! How would you feel if DP dumped you tomorrow and had a new girlfriend by December? I can guarantee you'd be pretty damn upset and not in the mood to cooperate.

SestraClone · 30/10/2016 19:24

Gosh, you are getting a hard time here OP!

user1471545174 · 30/10/2016 19:25

Sestra, she's being flower girl at the wedding. That's not an ordinary stay. We all know what weddings are like.

Gingermuffin · 30/10/2016 19:25

I am not saying the two situations are exactly the same and I didn't give the scenario to make a point that any of them are wrong or that the ex is in the right.

I put the scenario out there as one that could conceivably happen In the OPs circumstances now so that she can maybe understand other reasons why the ex acts like she does rather than believing it to be manipulation tactics and malice.

It is so much easier to deal with and possibly resolve a difficult situation if you can empathise and see it from the other persons point of view.

Original poster
Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 19:27

When I say we have her eow that doesn't actually include overnight, DP picks her up in the morning and drops her back after tea.

Of course he can't look after her at his own wedding! If our baby was here by then, Mil would be looking after it too! Surely that's what happens at weddings!?

OP posts:
Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 19:27

Sestra ops DP gets reasonable access they are pushing for 50/50 at 2 it's evident op has a dislike to the child's mother.

HyacinthFuckit · 30/10/2016 19:27

Agree with the posters who are asking what exactly you're planning to do with DSD at the wedding all day. Take it from someone who's owned 2 year olds, they have an unfortunate tendency to be a total pain in the nuts at those things. They need watching like hawks.

Between about 18 months and maybe 3, they're a lethal combination of enough physical strength to get themselves into all kinds of dangerousness and not enough mental capability to protect themselves. Weddings are a nightmare when they're that age. I've avoided taking mine because it's awful. They want to leg it round everywhere, in a strange place where there are lots of doors open. You have to drag them away from things that look really interesting but will break if they touch them. There are drunk people who will at best all stand in the way not hearing you over the music when you shout excuse me as you pursue your little angel, and at worst do stupid shit like hold the door open to let them out.

So, someone will have to be looking after her if she goes, providing very close supervision. Your DP won't be doing it. Will one or both of his parents, or another family member? The problem being that the people closely enough related to DSD for her to feel comfortable with are also people closely enough related to the groom that they're likely to be part of the wedding or, at the very least, not feel inclined to miss out on the fun while they do the annoying drudge work, and it is annoying drudge work, of supervising a two year old. I can only speak for myself here, but I won't even do that with my own two year olds. Fucked if I would for someone else's.

Seriously, don't have her there. It'll be a total nuisance even before you factor in someone potentially having to either take her home or go to bed early to look after her.

user1475249801 · 30/10/2016 19:28

How do you know that?

OP said

when we asked for more time with dsd she straight up said that she was giving us all the time with dsd she could and if DP wanted more he could go through court!

If it was an age thing, surely she would have just said so?

SpunkyMummy · 30/10/2016 19:28

I think every other weekend and twice a week is a lot. The ex seems very cooperative. Especially when one considers your attitude, OP.

And you know what? Your DP's relationship to with this girl is surely not as important. Not because he's her father... because of his behaviour, actually!

He lets you be this negative when it concerns DD? He started a relationship with you before DD was born?!

Fortitudine · 30/10/2016 19:28

Oh dear, struck a nerve did I? Grin

slenderisthenight · 30/10/2016 19:29

I don't think it sounds like you have any evidence for the possibility that 'the ex' might stop your DP seeing his DD. Unless she has been obstructive in ways you haven't mentioned?

In response to your request for 50/50, there was nothing manipulative about her saying 'no, if you want that you'll have to go through the court to get it because I will not be agreeing'.

Two tea times and every other weekend doesn't seem indicative of someone who doesn't want their DD to have a relationship with their dad. Especially if she is with people who find her 'hard work' (which suggests the child is either badly managed or possibly stressed when she is there).

Your DP may get upset about not living with his DD but that is just the way it is. Yes, eventually his relationship with his DD will be as important but for a child this age (although the relationship is as important) that isn't reflected in the custody arrangements because their needs for a primary caregiver are different. You need to understand that she's not a little adult! And splitting the poor child down the middle so everything is 'fair' and your DP doesn't get 'upset' is selfish and wrong.

sesise · 30/10/2016 19:29

Fort report it if you think it's a sock puppet, if it isn't you're just going to turn the thread into a bun fight as you know

QueenLizIII · 30/10/2016 19:30

Fortitudine she didnt deny it......got defensive instead.

Original poster
Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 19:30

The other alternative is to not have dsd at the wedding but then ex would probably complain that DP wasn't willing to include dsd

OP posts:
BrokeBeforeXmas · 30/10/2016 19:30

Maybe that is what the ex is pushing for? You said yourself your MIL would be watching her.

HyacinthFuckit · 30/10/2016 19:31

Of course he can't look after her at his own wedding! If our baby was here by then, Mil would be looking after it too! Surely that's what happens at weddings!?

Something you are soon to learn is that there is an absolute universe of difference between a baby and a toddler. Babies at weddings can be quite straightforward, particularly if they're not mobile yet. They can be passed around, people like holding them and most of them like being held, they nap (mostly!). For a description of the typical behaviour of a two year old, see my previous post.

Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 19:32

This reply has been deleted

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Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 19:32

Have her there for the day then get mil to take her home

SpunkyMummy · 30/10/2016 19:32

I would never let my child stay with somebody that dislikes me. Especially not when the child was this young and definitely not overnight. If I was the ex...
well, I wouldn't trust you, I'd actually worry that you'd extend your negative emotions towards me to my LO. And a 2 year old can't defend herself or tell on you.

DP is lucky he has a cooperative and lovely ex-DP.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/10/2016 19:33

Btw the court would likely not grant anymore than youre do is currently getting you get two days during the week and eow!

Actually they may do. It depends.

However you need to take a step back from this. It is between your DP and his exP.

I am a step mum and in a slightly different situation as I have PR we have full residency of DSC and they have no contact with their mother (her choice). There have been many times before we got to where we are, that I have had to step back. Support my DH yes, but ultimately it was for them to resolve.

If he wants more contact them you need to go to court.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 19:33

Or don't have her there that's the choices you have.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 19:34

Piglet at the age of two they would grant more? They get two days a week and eow

intravenouscoffee · 30/10/2016 19:35

OP - the thread seems mostly agreed that we can see why your DSis has concerns. Maybe she didn't express them in the best way but I think most people can look objectively at this situation and feel worried both for you and your DSD.

Isolating yourself from your family isn't a great plan at any point but it's a particularly bad idea when you're about to have a baby. Swallow your pride and have a chat to your sister. This really isn't worth going NC for.

wibblywobbler · 30/10/2016 19:35

YABVU OP! Your entitlement is unbelievable. I think your DSD's mother is being extremely reasonable with contact at the moment. Yes this is what happens when parents are separated, you say your DPs ex should accept it, well so should he!

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