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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu? Fallen out with sister over DP

353 replies

Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 17:39

Nc for this....im usually in the pregnancy section so be gentle....

I've had a bit of a row with my sister today. We were at our parent's house for Sunday lunch, and I was talking about my wedding plans.

To give a bit of background - DP had split up with an on and off girlfriend of a few years when I met him. When we were together a few weeks, she revealed she was pregnant with his child. His daughter is now 2. We have her eow and for tea twice a week.....we wanted 50/50 but the ex wouldn't agree.

She is really hard work- always wanting to know what we are doing with dsd, where we have taken her. It's been hard for DP to bond with dsd at times because ex won't give him space to be a dad to her without her hovering over her shoulder.

Anyway, she won't let us keep dsd at the wedding overnight, which is potentially awkward as ex doesn't drive so how is dsd going to get back home?

My sister and parents are quite old fashioned. I was explaining the situation to them and asking their advice, and my sister said she was sick of my moaning and how negative I was over dsd. I love dsd and have been in her life from birth, obviously I was cross and things got heated. Dsis has NEVER liked DP and she made this clear

Dsis and I are not talking now. My parents are saying I should apologise but surely Dsis should be the one to apologise?

This is such a mess. My wedding is in six weeks. I am also 8 weeks pregnant and have had horrendous morning sickness and feel stressed and exhausted as it is

OP posts:
BaronessEllaSaturday · 31/10/2016 08:21

So all of you saying how unsuitable a wedding is for a 2 year old just in principle - you wouldn't have your own young children at your wedding?

I did have my toddler at my wedding but I also had her nanny there to look after her if it was needed (she was being paid). We had a room at the church she could be taken into and a room at the hotel she could be taken to if needed. No way was I making either my DM or MIL miss part of everything to look after her. There was a lot of thought that went into planning things to ensure that she would be ok. I'm not getting that impression from the op.

DeathStare · 31/10/2016 08:26

Firstly I agree with what (pretty much) everyone else has said about your DP, his DD and his ex. But you seem to have no empathy either with the ex or with the child.

Secondly, however, I'm going to offer another perspective on why your sister may have said what she said.

People (usually brides) going on and on and on about their wedding arrangements is both dull and annoying. When that person talks about their wedding arrangements with an expectation that they should get everything they want because it's their day (and their's alone) the selfishness can be completely infuriating.

A wedding does not mean that everyone else has to jump into line to do exactly what the couple want. Weddings involve compromise.

If your DP is such a devoted parent (and you such a devoted step parent) maybe you need to alter your plans to make it suitable for your DSD, rather than expecting the ex and a two year old to put their needs to one side to accommodate you?

You could have a tiny little registry office wedding, a meal somewhere suitable for your DSD, then your DP could nip out and drive his DD home and then meet you all back for drinks later.

But I suspect you won't want that OP (and I suspect neither will your DP) because I suspect really you aren't interested in being the best possible parent and step parent to DSD. I suspect that really you are interested in getting your own way - just as you (and your DP) seem to be in everything to do with DSD - and then in moaning about how unfair (on you) it is when you don't get your own way.

And THAT is why your sister is getting annoyed. And THAT is why your parents agree with her. And THAT is why the responses on here aren't going the way you had hoped for.

graphista · 31/10/2016 08:27

No the impression from the ops posts is that her and her fiance aren't considering what's best for the DSD at all. It's all about what they want.

graphista · 31/10/2016 08:30

Well said deathstare

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 31/10/2016 08:32

I agree with hillary. Please remember that this woman was at the same stage of pregnancy as you, once - the difference being that her baby's father had left her and was in a new relationship. Imagine how painful and isolating that must have felt. I think you need to practise a little empathy here.

Also, as baroness says, having a two year old at a wedding takes a bit of planning.

I'd be interested to hear more of your sister's views on DP. She seems to have a very different perspective to your own - perhaps because she isn't emotionally involved and therefore has a little more clarity? I don't know.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 31/10/2016 08:34

deathstare's post is spot on.

corythatwas · 31/10/2016 08:35

I did actually have a couple of toddlers at my wedding. But:

each of them had at least one prime carer who was not fulfilling an important function at the wedding so could take them to the loo, talk to them, cuddle them at absolutely any moment of the proceedings

we had also hired in a couple of reliable nannies and arranged for a room in the venue to be set up as a playroom so that the children did not have to be in the same room as a party all evening

there was a safe space for children to go to sleep in

we knew beforehand that there would be no heavy drinking at the party and that everybody would be very child orientated

Kikibanana86 · 31/10/2016 08:40

I don't think ink it's unreasonable for the ex to not be keen on overnights when the kids only 2. My youngest has stayed with her dad 3 nights a week since she was 1 BUT he was there from the beginning and we have 4 other children together and he was hands on from tje beginning so no big change there.

Handing over your baby from very young to a guy your not with any more, who you have no idea what will be like with your baby, plus his new gf too, must've been tough for her!

RB68 · 31/10/2016 08:43

oh dear - I sense alot of people overlaying their own situations and emotions in this case!! I see the reality being that she does only talk the negative with parents and DSIS as they are the people she offloads on so they don't see the positive side of things. And why shouldn't a child ON with their DAD yes Mum has residency and does majority of the care but he is still her Dad and she has as much right to time with him as her Mother. Perhaps now she is not a baby you should be looking at 50% care...

I wouldn't say you owe your sister an apology but you do owe her an explanation ie she only hears the downside as you ccan't offload the moans to DP or anyone else. Is it worth falling out over something which is so significant here when you clearly need their support going forward

RB68 · 31/10/2016 08:44

that should be "insignificant" sorry

HillaryFTW · 31/10/2016 08:49

It's not manipulative to say "go to court if you want more contact" - that's a straightforward position.

It might be manipulative to endlessly pretend to consider more contact, go back on it or whatever.

I can understand why you are on your DP's side and I think it would be good to build up to overnight stats over time but you do seem to be interpreting all her actions in a negative way eg her asking what DD has done with you.

Does DP spend any time alone with DSD without you?

Whatever pattern of contact you get to, it needs to be sustainable once the baby arrives.

Cantusethatname · 31/10/2016 09:12

I just remember the meal being an absolute nightmare when I took my youngest son to a wedding when he was two. I'd even packed his own little lunchbox with things he liked and it was still dreadful. The rest of the wedding was really hard going as well. I was glad to get him out of there as soon as I could. I missed the speeches. And I'm his real mum who knows all his ways and I still struggled to manage him. I would not have sent him with someone else.

Squeegle · 31/10/2016 09:22

Who is looking after the little girl all day? Personally I think it would be a lot easier for everyone if she didn't come. If I was her mum I wouldn't be handing her over either

raviolidreaming · 31/10/2016 09:27

It's the groom's daughter Confused Of course he wants her there

I do wonder what the responses would be to a thread along the lines of 'DD's dad is getting married to the OW he left us for when I was pregnant and doesn't want her at the wedding because he says nobody can look after her'...

eyebrowsonfleek · 31/10/2016 11:32

If your partner is considering 50/50 I assume that you live close to ex because that's a basic requirement of 50/50 care (especially for school age kids which she will be in a couple of years).

How far away is the ceremony? As a good stepmother to be I assumed that you picked somewhere close enough that dsd doesn't have to travel for hours. I would have said that the compromise is dsd is there for ceremony/pics but then goes home so that the person looking after dsd can enjoy the wedding. It is not fun looking after a 2 year old at a wedding. They want to wander around and touch everything new at the most inappropriate moment of the day and looking at it from a child's point of view, it's annoying to hear "don't touch" "sit down" "not over there" etc all day.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 31/10/2016 12:19

Interesting how on this thread everybody is saying that the mother has every right to not allow the father to have the child overnight and that she was right to restrict access from birth, things like "Yes he's dsd's father but that doesn't give him automatic rights like a slot machine. He has to earn it", etc.

However on other threads, usually about money, then the fathers are blamed when they don't contribute even in extreme cases when the mother decided to keep the baby against the father's will. And then people say that he had sex so he has to live with the consequences... (which I agree with!)

Well, it is one way or the other, isn't it?
I can't see why OP's DP has to "earn" the right to have his child overnight! Or "earn" the right to be a father! Did the ex "earn" her right to be a mother?

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 31/10/2016 12:24

Also really surprised at some of the latest posts.
So if you don't plan a very small wedding, and allow the groom to drive away for some time to return a child to its parent., then you are a bad parent ??! Or at least only interested in getting your own way...

I still see a wedding to be firstly about the bride and groom. Obviously you want to make it child friendly if children will be attending.
Last weekend I went to a restaurant with my toddlers, they had to sit when they would have preferred to run around, am I a bad mom because this meal wasn't specifically planned exclusively for them, and I was selfish enough to want to go somewhere adults would fancy??

hungryhippo90 · 31/10/2016 12:40

I only read the first page, but OP grow up.. I take it you aren't an actual parent yet?
Your sister who has 3 kids is probably thinking that when you have a child you need to put their needs first.
You become concerned with them, and no, two years of age to be away over night, is probably still a bit early.

Ex was left pregnant on her own whilst he started a new blossoming relationship, and you say about all this stress that you had when you should have been enjoying yourself? Get off it!!

Maybe one day you'll be in a similar position whilst the new woman can complain about you being controlling and generally just being a mum.

Nasty, nasty!!

slenderisthenight · 31/10/2016 13:03

living

I don't think the comments about 'earning' the right to be a dad were meant in the way you've taken them. They were made in the context of a father appearing to demand his 50% of a child with no concern for the child's needs (in terms of their attachment with primary caregiver) and no plans to actually care for their own child on the first occasion that she would be deprived of her primary caregiver. In this context, the comments were highlighting the fact that no parent can just swan in and demand their 'rights' to the child; they have to behave and think like a parent in order for this to be in the child's best interests.

However it is always in the child's best interests for support to be paid and if you have sex, thems the risks. Parenting is not about rights but about responsibilities and obligations. Both parents have the obligation to honour their responsibilities and both should be given the opportunity to do so. However, that doesn't tend to look like splitting a young child down the middle because 'I'm her dad'.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 31/10/2016 13:17

slender
Sorry re-reading my posts, I sound a bit abrupt.
As I said, I agree fully that you have sex = you take the risk, so child support should be paid regardless of the circumstances and same for other parental duties.
What I find appalling is the fact is all the posters agreeing that the mother is right to not allow a 2yo to stay overnight with his dad. That is not "splitting a young child down the middle" for me. The mother's obligation to the child is also the allow him to see his dad!

Bubblegum18 · 31/10/2016 13:23

What difference does an over night make to their relationship living? They have her for tea so the ex collects her just before bed. She might struggle to sleep and rely heavily on her mother for comfort I know DS was like this from 18 months to about 3.

LittlePaintBox · 31/10/2016 13:31

The mother's obligation to the child is also to allow him to see his dad

Yes, absolutely. But that doesn't mean overnight stays if the mother judges the child to be too small, and certainly doesn't mean that the first attempt at an overnight stay should be at the dad's wedding. We know nothing about the child, we are assuming there are no specific difficulties which would make this wedding scenario particularly hard, but there may be. I took my children to my brother's wedding when they were 6 and 2, the older one had a whale of a time but the younger one cried throughout then went to sleep on my knee and wet himself so I had a wee stained dress for the rest of the day! So I guess my experience of 2 year olds at weddings is not very positive.

ByeByeLilSebastian · 31/10/2016 13:33

I don't understand why a 2 year old can't have an overnight stay with their dad eow? I think the mum is being very selfish there.
It's important that the little girl builds a bond with her dad too.

I'm not sure about the wedding though. It'd be lovely to have her there but 2 year old are hard work. I only had mine at ours because all our friends were busy attending our wedding to babysit!

Bruce02 · 31/10/2016 13:35

The mother does allow the father to see the child.

Despite seeing the child 3 times a week he has still failed to bond with the child. That's very telling, Imo.

slenderisthenight · 31/10/2016 13:47

living

I think overnights are a red herring. The child is asleep, for crying out loud. It becomes a battleground for parents because it signifies control. But for a child of two the only thing that's important at this age is that they go to sleep secure enough to sleep well and resettle in the night - something that is best achieved with a predictable bedtime routine in home surroundings with the primary caregiver. It's very hard work being two - lots of development and learning goes on during awake time, as I'm sure we all know. Prioritising the child will mean doing whatever is necessary to ensure the child is best placed for development during the day - development that would include a relationship with her dad.

TBH I don't see what is so unreasonable about a child of two being more secure and happy if their mum is around at night. It's not as if this 'ex' is preventing her being picked up first thing. Many, many two year olds want Mummy first thing in the morning and last thing at night (and if they wake in the night). Why should she have to go without her mummy just because dad chose to live elsewhere? He will achieve a lot more if he focuses on bonding with her when she is alert and not anxious (i.e. during day times).

Key to all this is that every child is different. What works fine for one two year old may not be optimal for another two year old. Parents rights shouldn't come into it.