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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu? Fallen out with sister over DP

353 replies

Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 17:39

Nc for this....im usually in the pregnancy section so be gentle....

I've had a bit of a row with my sister today. We were at our parent's house for Sunday lunch, and I was talking about my wedding plans.

To give a bit of background - DP had split up with an on and off girlfriend of a few years when I met him. When we were together a few weeks, she revealed she was pregnant with his child. His daughter is now 2. We have her eow and for tea twice a week.....we wanted 50/50 but the ex wouldn't agree.

She is really hard work- always wanting to know what we are doing with dsd, where we have taken her. It's been hard for DP to bond with dsd at times because ex won't give him space to be a dad to her without her hovering over her shoulder.

Anyway, she won't let us keep dsd at the wedding overnight, which is potentially awkward as ex doesn't drive so how is dsd going to get back home?

My sister and parents are quite old fashioned. I was explaining the situation to them and asking their advice, and my sister said she was sick of my moaning and how negative I was over dsd. I love dsd and have been in her life from birth, obviously I was cross and things got heated. Dsis has NEVER liked DP and she made this clear

Dsis and I are not talking now. My parents are saying I should apologise but surely Dsis should be the one to apologise?

This is such a mess. My wedding is in six weeks. I am also 8 weeks pregnant and have had horrendous morning sickness and feel stressed and exhausted as it is

OP posts:
Petal02 · 30/10/2016 21:37

i''m still wondering about the merits, or otherwise, of a 2yr old attending a wedding, let alone the night do, when mum is absent and dad is the bride groom.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 30/10/2016 21:40

Awful lot of extrapolating from the OP's posts on this thread.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 21:43

I agree withthe sleepover bit but surely for afew hours regardless of her age she is still part of the family. I couldn't imagine not getting married and not having my DC present. My son was 7 and DD 1 (it was her actually her birthday) but my parents and family mucked in and looked after them, I don't understand why as family the same can't be said for this occasion. Although I do think op has gone about things the wrong way I do think she should have some part in the day.

Dontpanicpyke · 30/10/2016 21:48

Oh agree or course she should make an appearance maybe at the wedding itself or at some point in the party but no way all day through the ceremony, all night at the party and then overnight without her mum and with dad having a key role and do not helping out.

The better solution would be to invite mum and let her be part of the day. It would be a good time to mend fences and bury hatchets I think.

HyacinthFuckit · 30/10/2016 21:50

It's all very well to think she should have some part in the day on principle, but there's no getting round the fact that the logistics will be an arse ache.

QueenLizIII · 30/10/2016 21:52

It's the groom's daughter

You mean she's the grooms daughter. It also isnt about what an adult wants.

During the vows, speeches, cake cutting, etc etc every other wedding event, she isnt going to be attached to her dad.

She has to leave and go to bed early.

2 year olds are notorious. I had my niece out the other day. Normally very good. But mum not there....she dropped her on me to take her out as she had a medical appointment. My DN knows me well. New environment as the hopsital isnt an area she knew. I looked after her for a couple of hours in a cafe and nearby shopping centre. She wouldnt sit in her chair, wanted to run around the cafe, wouldnt eat her lunch, kicked and cried when made to sit down so as not to cause a disturbance to other customers by running when people are carrying trays. I had to give up and take her out because it wasnt fair to her. She is normally very very good. I think it was just an unfamiliar environment.

It is all on this thread the adults saying I want, I want. How much is this 2 yo going to enjoy a wedding which really is going to be like several hours in a cafe with a bunch of strangers and not even her dad caring for her.

AskBasil · 30/10/2016 21:57

Are you kidding?

This toddler has never had an overnight stay and the first time you both want it to happen is at your wedding?

No wonder her mother doesn't want to increase the time you spend with her. You and her dad are clearly bloody clueless about parenting and children. If he was good at doing the Dad thing, he'd know what a terrible idea this is and he wouldn't want to put his little girl through it.

Either don't have her at the wedding at all, or arrange to have her for a couple of hours and get taken home in a taxi with your MIL or something, after the dinner. Anything else and you're asking for trouble.

You do need to grow up. And make up with your sister, you may well need her more than you thought you would in future.

eggyface · 30/10/2016 22:12

How old are you OP?

SpareASquare · 30/10/2016 22:12

I'm definitely Team Sister. Obviously she's not blinded by a 'whirlwind romance' (lmao) and can see what you will not. Do you really think your OP is going to give you a fair and balanced view of his previous, long term relationship? Especially when he was more than likely shagging you both at the same time during the crossover?
You need to back off with his dd. Seriously. It's between the parents, of which you are not one. Of course you should support your partner and, of course, you should play a substantial role in the life of this little girl but no way should you be DRIVING THE FUCKING BUS!! I suspect you know that if you weren't sticking your nose in and demanding, via your partner, the access you think he should have he'd probably do fuck all and you'd have to admit he's not the prize you like to tell yourself he is. If he was, he'd have sorted out access through the courts rather than putting everything into making more babies and paying for a wedding.
You sound so young and immature OP and I suspect you are in for a massive shock down the line Sad
FWIW, I do not see a problem with overnights at 2 but demanding that the first at your wedding is just daft.

TSSDNCOP · 30/10/2016 22:16

What about during the wedding prep. Is she supposed to just sit nicely while everyone's getting done up and having photos? Agree with all the others that toddlers at weddings are a little like putting cats in dresses.

She'll on,y look adorable in the photos if she hasn't chopped the top off her bouquet, hasn't rolled in gravel and hasn't sucked the ends of her sash. And she will do all these things, because she is 2.

If ft she has to come at all to a day that she won't remember, but will foe reaver be remembered for at least do the decent thing and let a person she knows pick her up and take her directly to the ceremony and then as soon as possible take her back to her mummy.

Your sister sounds bang on, as you will find in 32 weeks time.

QueenLizIII · 30/10/2016 22:20

The only bit the child can really be in is the ceremony. Have her as a flower girl. Get her in the photographs at the church and then get someone to collect her and take her back to her mother....maybe MIL before the party starts.

The ceremony is the wedding. The reception will be too much for a two year old.

OllyBJolly · 30/10/2016 22:20

Two of my experiences:

DD1 was flower girl at my cousin's wedding aged 3. She knew my cousin very well. She knew many of the guests very well including GPs and her aunts and uncles. She was an exceptionally well behaved 3 year old. It was so stressful for me looking after her, and I'm her mother! Would she behave, would she sit still the whole ceremony, would she smile in the photographs. She did, but was very bored at the ceremony and we left very early.

My XH invited me to his wedding. 2 DDs were flower girls. I was only invited so I could collect the girls and take them home (hour's drive away). There had been a 6 year gap between him leaving and the wedding. I was over him and in a good place. I got on well with DH and his DW (OW - but an exemplary step mum). I still couldn't stomach it and arranged for a mutual friend to bring the DCs to me somewhere close by.

YABVU

BaronessEllaSaturday · 30/10/2016 22:23

Why do you want her to stay over the night of the wedding? Is it because you genuinely want her there or is it simply because it is more convenient to not have to ensure she gets home safely at a sensible time?

slenderisthenight · 30/10/2016 22:31

is it really appropriate for dsd to have her first overnight contact at a wedding? Surely it would be quite stressful for her.

This is the crux of it. The answer has to be no. DP has to man up, OP. It doesn't matter how upset he is. This is a very bad way to introduce an overnight to a two year old.

Unless you pay for her mum to stay in a separate hotel and deliver DD to her at bedtime, there's no way this is an acceptable proposal from the child's perspective. Which is, believe it or not, all that matters when you are two.

TSSDNCOP · 30/10/2016 22:39

slender and even then her mother will likely have a shit night as little kids+hotel rooms = restless night and v. Early morning followed by tired, miserable next day.

slenderisthenight · 30/10/2016 22:44

Yes they would owe her one for all time wouldn't they...very irritating for them.

QueenLizIII · 30/10/2016 22:48

actually i am beginning to think the mum should allow contact overight for this.

The 2 yo wont like it but wont remember so she will be fine ultimately, it wont scar her for life.

The OP and her STBDH sure as hell will remember their wedding day being spoiled by screaming mummy, MUMMY all night and being hard work at the reception. Bring it on.

user1475249801 · 30/10/2016 23:16

QueenLizIII Every time I see you on a thread you're being unnecessarily harsh and spiteful towards someone. Is everything okay in your life?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/10/2016 23:19

Some quite spiteful comments on this thread.

Amazing how many posters think they know all about someone's life from a few lines on a forum.

QueenLizIII · 30/10/2016 23:25

user1475249801 get a real username. I think all things considered i am good company considering the vitriol on this site.

No worse than anyone else.

user1475249801 · 30/10/2016 23:27

get a real username

well that's me told

QueenLizIII · 30/10/2016 23:31

user1475249801 you also have a posting history of only 13 discussions and yet you claim to know me from the site.

Who are you really? Or a duplicate account?

user1475249801 · 30/10/2016 23:36

you also have a posting history of only 13 discussions and yet you claim to know me from the site.

Did you know that people can read threads without posting? And that people can even read threads without having an account?

Manumission · 30/10/2016 23:36

I've never noticed you being spiteful liz.

Of course some people get honest and spiteful, confused.

Solasum · 30/10/2016 23:38

As someone who handed my tiny baby over to ex and his new partner regularly because I felt it was the right thing to (make him) do, I think, with respect, you just don't understand. It was probably the hardest thing I had done as a woman, and as a mother. There is absolutely no way whatever I would have let there be overnights for a long long time into a new relationship, as in years. My child is not a timeshare commodity, nor is your DSD.

Why not have DSD at the service, (mum outside if you prefer) then have cake, then let her go home with her mum, in a taxi at your expense. You can't pack a toddler off with a random friend or in a taxi with a stranger. If you want her to be there you need to make it happen.

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