AIBU to think this is a strange wedding invite?!

[palomapaloma]

Just got my eagerly awaited wedding invite from my first cousin who is getting married in a few months. She sent a group invite for my parents, me and my siblings (all adults) I assumed it included my husband and 2 children and my brothers long term partners. Messaged her just to check and she told me no it's only people named on the invite! Am I being off for feeling a bit put out? I'm now in a dilemma with what to do as hubby has the hump with not being invited! The wedding is about 40 miles away so if I go I'd have to stay over somewhere or not drink( not gonna happen!) I just feel quite disappointed because we grew up together, we are still close and shared a flat a few years back. I've been married for 6 years so it's not like I've got an on off bf that she barely knows. What's everyone's opinion and what would you do?

Their wedding their rules.
Go or don't go , your choice but let them know in plenty of time.

This applies to every wedding. Why is this so hard to grasp ?

I commute more than 40 miles to work every day. I've not been abducted by aliens yet.

Exactly, if you don't want to go, then don't. But take it in the spirit in which it was intended, which is that they wanted to share their special day with you. Not an insult.

Laughing loudly at the advice not to go because you wouldn't enjoy it without husband and kids and you would be busy worrying about them and feeling hurt. !!

I'm very happy with my dh but would hate for people to view me as intrinsically part of a couple who should always be invited as a unit !

It's probably costing them at least £50 per head.

we sacrificed certain things we wanted at first- church, sit down meal, proper fancy reception, so we could invite the close family and friends we wanted there. We invited couples as couples, children were also invited, and adults who were single were given the option of a plus 1

Alas, there was probably a thread started by someone who took offense at attending a wedding without a sit down meal and having to sit next to someone who didn't even know the bride or groom. You really can't please everyone.

OP, am I reading it right that your husband is invited in the evening? So probably a numbers thing during the day? Although, like a PP said that just opens up the child-free debate.

I do think it's strange not to invite the husband. A reasonably new partner the bride hadn't met? Maybe. Someone you're married to and have kids with is different. As OP's husband has been invited to the evening do, it would have made more sense to make the entire invite evening only.

That said, I have zero sympathy for the 'if I drive back I can't drink!' argument. If you care about someone enough to feel insulted that your husband wasn't invited to their wedding, you care enough to stay sober in order to attend.

It's a family wedding. You and DH are married, so he's family too.Assuming that the bride isn't just a nasty person, she sounds very thoughtless and selfish.

Is it worth having a word with her parents or another family member that she would listen to?

Do not on any circumstances ask another family member

If you don't want to go without your husband then don't go

Is it worth having a word with her parents or another family member that she would listen to?

No, no, NO.

I'm surprised so many people think it's fine. I find it very rude to just invite one half of a married couple to a wedding. Casual boyfriend or girlfriends is one thing but married or cohabiting couples should be invited together IMO.

Ask if you could pay for DH's stay, get a babysitter and go together? Or pay for all? I don't think I'd enjoy that kind of celebration without my husband, to be fair! It's a wedding, you are likely going to be thinking at some point about your own wedding and how lovely it was ... I'd notice the absence even more . And I'd miss my kids incredibly. I only went away once and because of work (and unavoidable!), I don't think I'd enjoy a wedding celebration without my family. I think it's unfair to separate families in these events, you either do something else cheaper or you ask guests to not get presents and contribute to the reception? If it were me, I wouldn't go. Or I'd ask if I could take them and pay myself their part (it depends of how much it might be, then). It's odd to me that you celebrate being husband and wife by separating other husbands and wives... but I heard it here before, so I don't know!

Is it worth having a word with her parents or another family member that she would listen to?

To achieve what? I highly doubt OP is the only person affected, and the cousin and her partner have presumably made this decision for a reason. Change the rule for OP and they'll need to change it for everyone or cancel their wedding and rebook somewhere to accommodate people who seemingly only want to go on a principle because an evening only invitation isn't good enough for them.

I've only red some of the messages. I think she handled it very poorly and should have managed your expectations. I'd prolly go for a bit, have one drink and then drive back.

I wouldn't go tbh. If my family is not invited so aren't I.

I find it very weird this concept of inviting only one member/just adults of a family to a wedding and leave the rest off. Doesn't work for me and never will.

I'd also make very clear to her why I'm not attending.

It could just as likely be a space / numbers issue during the day as cost, so offering to pay could be both offensive and of no practical solution.

we sacrificed certain things we wanted at first- church, sit down meal, proper fancy reception, so we could invite the close family and friends we wanted there. We invited couples as couples, children were also invited, and adults who were single were given the option of a plus 1.

This is what a good host does. A good host puts the guests' needs and enjoyment first, before all the 'look at me it's my day' spoilt brat stuff.

It's a shame your DH isn't invited, but think about it from the bride's perspective. If she invited all her cousin's partners and their children how many extra guests would that make? She probably just didn't have the space/money to invite you all.

I think she could have handled it better - as I can see why you're miffed if you didn't find out DH wasn't invited until you saw the invite. Would have been better to mention long before the invites went out.

Enjoy the time with your family and pay someone to help your DH with kids for the night.

iminshock, why is it so odd that some people wouldn't enjoy it with their husband? I wouldn't. He's my best friend, if I had to choose someone to go to a party with, he would be always the one. And I know it works also the other way round. We've declined invitations in the past to spend time with each other or came earlier from a Christmas do because we were bored without the other... why is it laughable? Each marriage us different, some people have their own groups of friends and / or are quite happy partying on their own. Some people don't. I'm more than a wife, but we actually like being an item and if it's a family invitation we either go together or we don't. We had a similar issue a couple of years ago with another kind of celebration and DH declined on the spot because he thought they were being rude. I agree that it's their wedding, they do what they want. Not sure if in 5 years they would feel the same way, but ok, to each their own... yet it's not laughable that some people do actually feel that way towards their partners. You don't know how a relationship has been built or what people have gone through.

That said, maybe the not drinking and driving would be an option and a compromise in between, since op could go back at any time that way.

My cousin didn't let aunts and uncles take partners to his wedding and cousins weren't invited at all. So it's not that strange nowadays but that doesn't make it any less rude. If there is an evening do to which DH has been invited, I would just go to that and skip the ceremony. If he's excluded from the whole thing, then I would stay home.

Go.

Drive.

Don't drink.

Come home.

Sorted.

Beyond rude to not invite your husband. Married couples are social units, and must either both be invited it none invited.

Sorry I must have missed the bit about being morphed into one as soon as I said 'I do'

I do not regards myself as a "social unit" with my DH. I'd be pretty pissed off if someone didn't invite me to something they would have done otherwise just because they weren't inviting him.