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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this is a strange wedding invite?!

348 replies

palomapaloma · 29/10/2016 11:23

Just got my eagerly awaited wedding invite from my first cousin who is getting married in a few months. She sent a group invite for my parents, me and my siblings (all adults) I assumed it included my husband and 2 children and my brothers long term partners. Messaged her just to check and she told me no it's only people named on the invite! Am I being off for feeling a bit put out? I'm now in a dilemma with what to do as hubby has the hump with not being invited! The wedding is about 40 miles away so if I go I'd have to stay over somewhere or not drink( not gonna happen!) I just feel quite disappointed because we grew up together, we are still close and shared a flat a few years back. I've been married for 6 years so it's not like I've got an on off bf that she barely knows. What's everyone's opinion and what would you do?

OP posts:

ZoeWashburne · 29/10/2016 12:39

Beyond rude to not invite your husband. Married couples are social units, and must either both be invited it none invited. Fine to have a child free wedding. Everyone understands budget weddings, but just tacky and mean to split up couples! She should have invited you both or neither of you.

I'd decline and just post a card.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 29/10/2016 12:41

I'd hate to go to a wedding without Dh, I don't understand not inviting married partners to a ceremony celebrating marriage! It's weird.

Having said that, if all your family are there I would be tempted to drive there, but leave early and drive home.

rawsienna · 29/10/2016 12:41

I think it's very odd and mean spirited to not invite the partners of adult family members.

This.

PopFizz · 29/10/2016 12:41

Tacky and mean?! Only on mumsnet!

Boolovessulley · 29/10/2016 12:41

I think it's odd.

It not a girls night out its a wedding.

It is the couples choice and they can do as they please but I think it's off .

NightWanderer · 29/10/2016 12:42

I'd say take a little time and think about what you want to do. It's probably just a shock as it wasn't what you were expecting.

NapQueen · 29/10/2016 12:43

She's probably thought "I want my aunt and uncle there, I'll ask their (adult) dc too" and nothing more past that.

Just go, let your hair down. Can dh's folks help him out at that end?

FaithAscending · 29/10/2016 12:44

I had one like this last year. B&G chose a tiny venue (think it seated 50 max) so they only had DPs/children of family. I had been married to DH for 7 years, bride met him soon after we got together. They'd done running races together and all sorts so it's not like she didn't know him. Ultimately it was their choice. I went bevause I wanted to be there for her but drove home (same kind of distance). It was so weird though. There they are declaring their love for one another and how they wanted to be together forever but yet all the guests were there without their OHs?! Sadly, it has ruined her relationship with my DH because he says he doesn't feel like they're friends anymore.

PopFizz · 29/10/2016 12:44

Boolove, it's not being sold as a girls night out. It's a family invitation, for immediate family. Her aunt/uncle and cousins. The original family unit that she knew and grew up with.

BarbarianMum · 29/10/2016 12:45

Chances are if the OP and her dh had both been invited she'd be mithering about what to do with the kids. I think inviting a person without their partner is not on if that person wouldn't know anyone else at the wedding but that's not the case in this instance. Most married people can manage a day apart and if they can't then they don't have to go to functions which require it.

rawsienna · 29/10/2016 12:45

I don't understand not inviting married partners to a ceremony celebrating marriage! It's weird.

Yes. The whole day is based around the union of a couple. So surely you should include couples?
Especially if you know they're a couple.

FaithAscending · 29/10/2016 12:50

It feels really odd rawsienna.

diddl · 29/10/2016 12:51

I think that it's unusual, but it's not as if Op would be going alone.

Perhaps it was that or nothing.

If you're insulted, don't go.

slightlypeevedwombat · 29/10/2016 12:51

i dont see it myself - i would invite who i wanted to come, not because i felt i had to.

If you have a night out to the cinema, do you have to invite someone's partner? if i was having a do of some sort, i wouldn't necessarily invite a partner

I know i am in very small minority on MN, but i wouldn't be bothered if my partner/dc were not invited. Its not MY event, its theirs and they can invite whoever the heck they want - all this I cant posibly go on my own rubbish goes completely over my head

slightlypeevedwombat · 29/10/2016 12:52

I don't understand not inviting married partners to a ceremony celebrating marriage! It's weird.

Yes. The whole day is based around the union of a couple. So surely you should include couples?

No - the whole day is 2 people who want to be together. share their day with the people they want there, why should they invite your DP if they dont want to?

popcornpaws · 29/10/2016 12:54

Think yourself lucky, my first cousin said she wouldn't be inviting cousins to her wedding as it was costing too much.
We (3 cousins in total btw) got an evening invitation, the venue was 65 mile from us.
We politely declined only to be told a week before the wedding actually you can all come during the day as I've had some people saying they can't make it after all!
Needless to say none of us went!

Friolero · 29/10/2016 12:55

I understand not inviting children, but I think excluding husbands / long term partners is rude when it's a wedding.

However, if your cousin has decided just to invite you and not your DH, you need to decide if you want to go without him - if you do, then I'm sure you can make it work in terms of the logistics and him looking after the DCs (can he get his relatives to help?). If you don't want to go without him, then politely decline.

WeAllHaveWings · 29/10/2016 12:56

Not inviting children you don't know well or having a child free wedding is fair enough. Excluding the spouses of family members, unless there is a back story, is downright rude.

A couple having a wedding either chooses the venue of their dreams that they cant really afford and then work out how many people they can afford to invite not giving a shit how they behave or who they snub because its their wedding.

Or they care more about their friends and family and work out numbers of who they want to invite and then work out a venue which is the right size and in their budget, even if it turns out to be a village hall with a DJ and buffet (some of the best weddings I've been too).

Sounds like your cousin is the former, and I would decline her invite.

HRarehoundingme · 29/10/2016 12:56

Can DH not go and stay the weekend with his parents? Or come to the hotel and stay there - kids will get to see lots of the family the next day if everyone is staying

Jammiedodgers · 29/10/2016 13:01

rarehound that's a brilliant idea. Everyone gets a night away and OP gets to go to the wedding

TroysMammy · 29/10/2016 13:01

There was an unwritten rule in our family for my cousin's weddings. Only Aunties and Uncles and their wives and husbands. Considering on my Dad's side he had 11 brothers and sisters and 10 brothers and sisters in law and between them 30 children, 25 years between oldest and youngest cousins. Not forgetting the family of the bride/groom, it would have been a massive wedding if all family members invited.

If you are that close to your cousin I would be honoured to be asked and go. Then again I know my partner would refuse to go if he was invited.

karalime · 29/10/2016 13:02

Another baffled one here.

It's one day if that, and an hour in the car. Have a nice day with the family.

It's petty crap like this why people elope.

SheldonCRules · 29/10/2016 13:02

Go and drive back, one night without alcohol won't kill you. See the ceremony, toast them and come home.

Or don't go and send apologies.

pinkyredrose · 29/10/2016 13:04

married couples are social units seriously?

calilark · 29/10/2016 13:04

You've been looking forward to planning the kids outifts.

But its not about you. Its not about what you want. Its her wedding, its about her

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