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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is a strange wedding invite?!

348 replies

palomapaloma · 29/10/2016 11:23

Just got my eagerly awaited wedding invite from my first cousin who is getting married in a few months. She sent a group invite for my parents, me and my siblings (all adults) I assumed it included my husband and 2 children and my brothers long term partners. Messaged her just to check and she told me no it's only people named on the invite! Am I being off for feeling a bit put out? I'm now in a dilemma with what to do as hubby has the hump with not being invited! The wedding is about 40 miles away so if I go I'd have to stay over somewhere or not drink( not gonna happen!) I just feel quite disappointed because we grew up together, we are still close and shared a flat a few years back. I've been married for 6 years so it's not like I've got an on off bf that she barely knows. What's everyone's opinion and what would you do?

OP posts:
StrawberryLime · 29/10/2016 14:41

Am I missing something? Why on earth are you and other posters saying you need to stay overnight for somewhere that's only 40 miles away?! Confused
That's not even an hour away in the car!
What with this thread and the one running about being too scared to go to the cinema alone, it baffles me how some women cope all by themselves without the menz by their sides to hold their hands.

lalalalyra · 29/10/2016 14:41

Sometimes you just have to draw a line and your cousin has obviously drawn it at cousins. We had to do the same - cousins with no partners - as DH has a massive family. At last count he had something ridiculous like 42 cousins (MIL and FIL both have loads of siblings) and with him being one of the younger cousins adding on partners and children of cousins would have added 70+ to the list. We simply couldn't afford that (and we had a v.simple wedding).

You don't have to go, and you'd likely have been even more offended not to be invited at all so take it in the spirt that it's meant - your cousin would like you to be there as you are her cousin. If you don't want to go send an RSVP stating you won't be there.

deadringer · 29/10/2016 14:42

I come from a huge family and that sort of invite would work well for us. Sometimes due to cost and numbers we do things without spouses and offspring and it works out great. You are being invited as part of your (birth) family unit, presumably because it would be too big or costly to include families of family iykwim. I would go and stay the night and have a great time, but if you really won't enjoy it without your dh and kids then don't go.

harderandharder2breathe · 29/10/2016 14:45

Yabu for assuming people not named were invited

formerbabe · 29/10/2016 14:57

I do not regards myself as a "social unit" with my DH

Neither do I. We both have separate social lives as well as a shared one. I think weddings are a very different situation though and I've never heard irl of one half of a married couple being invited to a wedding without the other.

gillybeanz · 29/10/2016 15:03

I don't think you are joined at the hip when married, but for things like weddings you are a unit.
I wouldn't go without my dh, he wouldn't go without me.
We do plenty of things without each other, but I'd draw the line at this.
maybe they can't afford to invite everyone, the numbers soon add up.

brasty · 29/10/2016 15:05

40 miles is nothing. Just go and drive back. And if you can't enjoy yourself without drinking alcohol, that is a whole other issue.

BunnyBunnyMooseMoose · 29/10/2016 15:06

Married couples are social units, and must either both be invited it none invited.

That sounds so claustrophobic.

TheNaze73 · 29/10/2016 15:09

Married couples are social units, and must either both be invited it none invited

Surely a comment for Mumsnet classics.... In 1874

Original poster
palomapaloma · 29/10/2016 15:10

It's just a big shame that I probably won't end up being able to go and I think she will be upset. Maybe she'll understand when she's been married for a while and has kids. Just checked the venue it's actually 70 miles not 40. I wouldn't dream of inviting single people and not partners I think it's odd as they are celebrating a marriage. But hey I'll get over it.Smile

OP posts:
brasty · 29/10/2016 15:10

So once you are married you are joined at the hip? That sounds awful way to live.

eddielizzard · 29/10/2016 15:10

can your dh have a friend or family round to stay so if any kids wake up they can help?

i think you should go and have a night off with your family.

lottieandmia · 29/10/2016 15:14

I do think it's rude not to invite your husband. We had a very basic wedding but we did not leave out partners in any case.

metaphoricus · 29/10/2016 15:15

Going 40 miles away on your own? That's too much to ask

That has to be a joke. Surely?

But to the point, I've travelled 200 miles to a close friend's daughter's wedding without husband or children being invited. It wasn't a child free wedding but all the children there were blood relatives. The bride knows my DH almost as well as she knows me, but we all quietly understood that lines have to be drawn somewhere regarding numbers. It really wasn't an issue - nobody felt slighted - there were no residual bad vibes.
And I really seriously cannot understand how some people say they could not enjoy a wedding without their husbands around. For goodness sake, you sleep with him every night.

OlennasWimple · 29/10/2016 15:19

I went to a family funeral recently with my parents and siblings - no partners, no children. It was actually really lovely to spend time together just us: we realised it meant that we hadn't spent serious time together as just the family unit for many many years. We knew other people there, of course, so we had other people to talk to and catch up with, but I wish we had the opportunity to spend more time together just us.

OP - apologies if I've missed something, but why does DH need help looking after his own kids for one weekend?

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2016 15:21

I think it is a bit odd but presume she just cannot afford it.

I would go, with my family, get a hotel nearby, get a group taxi together, go, eat drink and be merry. Your dh may have the hump but if the situation were reversed and it was his cousin/friend only invited I would assume you would wish him well.

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2016 15:21

with my family (parents and sibs I mean!).

brasty · 29/10/2016 15:22

40 miles is to far away to go without your partner? Some of the attitudes on here are actually really worrying. If you are too anxious to travel 40 miles without your partner to an event where your family will be there, then I would recommend some CBT or similar.

expatinscotland · 29/10/2016 15:24

I think the issue is that your DH cannot reliably look after the kids overnight, and if you don't have any childcare he can't go for the evening, either. I'd just decline now. She'll get over it.

I understand, we truly have no childcare and no money for babysitters.

raviolidreaming · 29/10/2016 15:24

But your husband is invited to the evening! He is invited!

brasty · 29/10/2016 15:25

She can go though, and come back the same night. It is not far away.

Rafflesway · 29/10/2016 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DanyellasDonkey · 29/10/2016 15:33

My friend invited only friends - not their partners as she said she didn't know the partners. Only one out of the three friends went as the others didn't want to go without their other halves.

I suppose it was her wedding and she could do what she wanted but it did seem a bit strange to me,

Okkitokkiunga · 29/10/2016 15:33

Ravioli I read that as they could have invited partners to the evening do bit hadn't as it was only the people named on the invite.

I think it's odd too esp as she knows him. If DH was invited to a wedding if someone I didn't know fair enough, but when it's a family member then that's going to hurt.

But at the end of the day, what is going to mean more to you - that you were there for her big day with your immediate family. Or you weren't. What are your siblings thoughts.

If you can't really arrange/afford help for your DH then it's all academic anyway as you don't feel going is the right thing to do.

Plus driving 70 miles there in the day is fine. Back in the dark when you are tired isn't so great.

PopFizz · 29/10/2016 15:33

Do some of you honestly always drink at weddings? I've often driven to them, due to childcare or wanting to stay home, and had a glass of fizz to toast and then coke or non alcoholic cocktails. Is it really a huge thing to have to get drunk?

The OP has been invited with her family. Her birth family. The family that the cousin knows and wants there. Is it really that big a deal to go to a wedding with your parents and two brothers, presuming they don't hate each other, and not include significant others or kids?

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