AIBU to think this is a strange wedding invite?!

[palomapaloma]

Just got my eagerly awaited wedding invite from my first cousin who is getting married in a few months. She sent a group invite for my parents, me and my siblings (all adults) I assumed it included my husband and 2 children and my brothers long term partners. Messaged her just to check and she told me no it's only people named on the invite! Am I being off for feeling a bit put out? I'm now in a dilemma with what to do as hubby has the hump with not being invited! The wedding is about 40 miles away so if I go I'd have to stay over somewhere or not drink( not gonna happen!) I just feel quite disappointed because we grew up together, we are still close and shared a flat a few years back. I've been married for 6 years so it's not like I've got an on off bf that she barely knows. What's everyone's opinion and what would you do?

For my wedding we wrote a list of guests and invited per household, including partners and children. When we exceeded the limit for the church/ sit down meal we decided which families we wanted there but weren't so close so they came to the evening only. It was important to me to have all family and friends there and when we went over budget with guests we adjusted in other areas- less flowers, cheaper dress etc.

Often these etiquette "rules" exist to prevent Ill feeling. The extension of not inviting partners might be inviting one sibling but not another (like them better) or not an adopted member of the family or a step relation (not my proper family). If you can't afford it then you need to look for somewhere cheaper. Or not invite cousins full stop.

Presumably you don't want to annoy your family too much as you still are part of it!

The next event in the family might be interesting, imagine if the groom is excluded (well he's only married to a real member if the family)

Piglet, you go by convention.

Convention doesn't happen in a vacuum. It is distilled wisdom passed down from the time people started to celebrate weddings as we currently understand them.

Convention indicates you invite all or none.

If you want 'all' then that means their spouses and partners too.

Above all, convention dictates that you find a venue that offers the two factors of affordability and ability to handle the people you should invite, even if that means you don't get the Pinterest inspired wedding of your dreams.

People here are saying 'weddings cost XXX amount', as if all weddings are prix fixe, take it or leave it, with no room for doing a bit of work and finding affordable options. You can indeed adjust details, as Palomapaloma did.

If you refuse to compromise then it is clear what your priority is, and it is not your guests. People do indeed understand, but probably not in the way you think they do, Strawberrychunk, especially if they are regaled afterwards with Instagram and FB posts that reveal where the wedding budget went.

A wedding of an old school friend is a different matter from the wedding of a family member, Chikara. Were the family members of the bride and groom also invited to the school friend's wedding sans partners or spouses?
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I am speaking as one of 66 first cousins. My mum is one of eight and my dad was one of eleven.
Weddings in my family feature aunts and uncles, with cousins invited under certain circumstances.
To represent families where both the aunt and uncle are dead, the cousin who is the oldest in that family/lives nearest to the venue/closest in terms of friendship to the bride or groom, and their spouse or partner get invited.
If an aunt or uncle is widowed, then one of their children gets invited along with spouse or partner, to accompany the widow/er, drive them to and fro if necessary, and represent the deceased relative. It's usually a case of oldest in their family or offspring living closest to the wedding venue or again, closest in terms of friendship to bride or groom.
A cousin who also occupies a position in relation to the bride or groom such as godparent or someone who practically brought up the bride or groom or a cousin who was always very close is normally also invited, along with spouse, though sometimes those cousins would be best man, matron of honour, or bridesmaids/groomsmen.

After family has been invited, numbers are made up by friends.

This system has always worked well.

One of the best aspects of it is the way it manages expectations of all 66 of the potential guests. Nobody has any expectation of getting an invitation. There are no disappointed cousins' children, no elderly widowed men or women wondering who is going to drive them from the church to the reception or drive them home again... People marrying in have brought their own customs but most have already come to similar arrangements in their own families. Mostly there is a half and half split as far as guests from both sides goes. Without the 'token parties' arrangement for weddings in my family, they would be unmanageable.

Convention doesn't happen in a vacuum. It is distilled wisdom passed down from the time people started to celebrate weddings as we currently understand them.

Conventions change. Not all 'conventions' are good.

Conventions do change, but not inviting the one that married in the to family is not a change for the better, rather a selfish desire and one that can hurt and offend.

People can do what they want, but that act does have consequences down the line.
The next time the married couple are invited to these people's houses, it would be reasonable to say, oh don't bring your new DH, just you as you are real family.

Conventions do change, but not inviting the one that married in the to family is not a change for the better, rather a selfish desire and one that can hurt and offend.

If the bride had gone for the invite no one option the OP would also have been upset.

The OP had assumed everyone including DC would be invited.

It isn't or guests to dictate who is or isn't invited to someone else's wedding.

As pp have said, it's an invite not a summons. If you can't make it or don't like it, don't go.

The vast majority of wedding related conventions are good, tried and tested, and observed by those who are mindful of the long haul of extended family life - obviously not by those so cocooned in their little wedding bubbles that they forget their manners, who have the rest of their lives to regret their misplaced priorities.

maths Just because people make different choices than you may do, it doesn't mean they have any more or less manners than anyone else. Nor does it mean people have 'misplaced priorities'.

It seems in your world everything is so cut and dried. However most people's lives aren't that straightforward.

I'm with Math.... I think it's wrong to split up a married couple in this instance. It would be OK for work colleagues/bunch of friends etc, but family considered to be close? It would feel like a bit of slight to me. It's basically saying "you're not important enough even though you're my close cousin's husband and father of her kids to be invited".

It's basically saying "you're not important enough even though you're my close cousin's husband and father of her kids to be invited".

Maybe that's what they want to say?

Some people aren't close to their cousins' spouses. If the cousin doesn't want to go to a wedding without their spouse then they can decline the invitation. No big deal.

Marble if that's what they want to say, then fine, but equally if you give out that message you should be well prepared that it would cause offence to the receiver!

It's not cut and dried - manners are extremely practical guides to considerate behaviour. There is no licence to go about causing offence, even if you're planning a wedding.

Or to put it another way, there is nothing so special about a wedding that gives someone carte blanche to indulge their inner five year old.

If there's nothing special about a wedding then no one need be offended if they aren't invited. It's only a party at the end of the day.

That's not what I said - what I said was that there is nothing so special about having a wedding that makes it ok to forget that manners are important.

So many brides get so swept away by the idea of themselves starring in their own personal fairy tale that the term bridezilla was invented to cover monumentally entitled and rude behaviour. It all arises from the mistaken idea that their wedding is so special and that they are therefore special, too special to observe normal conventions or ideas on human decency.

Or to put it another way, there is nothing so special about a wedding that gives someone carte blanche to indulge their inner five year old.

That goes for guests that either assume they are invited or put pressure on bride and groom to be invited.

I agree with math. In recent years there seems to have been an upswing of bad manners, in the rush to please oneself, without the thought of others.

As has been pointed out, the need to socialise as a family is indeed compromised. The next time the couple not invited together hold a social event it becomes oh so much easier to not invite the groom. It's not the way to harmony.

If I look through my wedding album I see a load of people I don't' even know. My mother's attitude was "We're paying for it so we'll invite who WE want". So lots of my friends didn't get invited. If that was a convention back int he day then it wasn't a good one and thank goodness couples nowadays invite who they want as it's their wedding.

Jonah - maybe your cousin just didn't like you?
When my cousin got married, he didn't invite my parents, myself, or my sister - only my brother and his partner. And made some cutting comment in his speech about how he'd invited all the people he wanted to be there.
I have no idea what my uncle felt about his only brother being excluded but hey. Dad was a bit hurt but not excessively so; and my sister and I just thought how rude he was.

ThumbsWitchesAbroad - Perhaps śo. At the time I was very proud of mum that she backed us up through and through. Also, it was their loss and our gain as it saved us a substantial monetary gift which is the done thing here where I live, when it comes to family weddings. Don't get me wrong, we would have been pleased to do so, had we been invited.
On a sad note last year the cousin passed away, and we had no qualms about being there to pay our respects at the funeral. Yet my sister could not be bothered to go.

Oh yes, good for your mum, definitely.
Sad that the cousin has passed away.

I think it's very important not to offend by accident.
By all means do it deliberately with no regrets, but it is very bad manners to do it unintentionally.

I think you'd better elope and have a small wedding breakfast for your witnesses if the numbers are stacking up and you haven't the funds.
Nothing wrong with a small wedding either.
Send everyone some wedding cake wrapped in parchment paper in the post (it survives the post very well, and is appreciated).

I think it's unusual, but perfectly understandable if they want to limit numbers, and there is no reason to get all offended about it. You and your siblings have all been treated equally.

I've just been invited to my cousins wedding and children are not included. It's further away than yours and I will definitely need to stay over. We could arrange for someone to have the children for the weekend but it's not really worth the hassle so I will go without DH and have a nice time with my father and sisters (who are doing the same thing)

It's obviously entirely up to you whether you go or not, but I find it odd when people feel they can't attend events without their partners, even though they will know others there.