AIBU to think this is a strange wedding invite?!

[palomapaloma]

Just got my eagerly awaited wedding invite from my first cousin who is getting married in a few months. She sent a group invite for my parents, me and my siblings (all adults) I assumed it included my husband and 2 children and my brothers long term partners. Messaged her just to check and she told me no it's only people named on the invite! Am I being off for feeling a bit put out? I'm now in a dilemma with what to do as hubby has the hump with not being invited! The wedding is about 40 miles away so if I go I'd have to stay over somewhere or not drink( not gonna happen!) I just feel quite disappointed because we grew up together, we are still close and shared a flat a few years back. I've been married for 6 years so it's not like I've got an on off bf that she barely knows. What's everyone's opinion and what would you do?

I think there probably are times when people are deliberately being rude, but it doesn't sound like this is one of them. And most of the time, you don't know if they are, so better to assume that they aren't - frankly, most people don't going around trying to offend people that they actually like and want at their weddings, so chances are higher that it's not deliberate rudeness. Life is much easier if you don't assume someone is being rude and just try to see the best of it whether it's actually the case or not. If they are deliberately trying to piss you off, then I'm sure they'll have another go!

And yes, it doesn't mean one way is right and the other wrong - which is why you can't assume that someone is being rude for not inviting a partner, or for deciding that they won't invite you at all because they can't invite your partner, or not inviting you because they've felt they have to invite someone else's partner, or whatever. Just different ways of doing things. So the OP can feel disappointed, absolutely - nothing wrong with that - but no reason to assume that it's somehow the height of rudeness for her partner not to be invited.

What does it being after Xmas, or cash presents, or the middle of nowhere have to do with anything? You could well be happy to visit your parents/siblings then. It's in the middle of nowhere for everyone, not just you, so you are still arranging lifts with your partner or your siblings or whatever. If you don't actually want to go without your partner, then just don't!

Suggesting it's just 'fun' to read the posts trying to explain another side to it sound like you are still convinced that she is being rude and shouldn't have don't it, rather than just understanding that it's how she chose to do it, and it's not what you wanted, which is disappointing when you were looking forward to it. But not particularly wrong or inconsiderate.

I had this with my BF of 7 years (at the time) for my cousin's wedding. I was annoyed because husbands of other cousings were invited. My aunt said it was because they wanted it to be family they knew well to save money. I went because my mum wanted me to, but did have a good time. I would go.

She probably didn't discuss it with her because she didn't assume there would be any particular issue with it, and that if there were a large number of guests there, it wasn't necessary for her to discuss everyone's individual situation.

If you were eagerly awaiting the invitation, was it because you particularly wanted to see her get married? Or looking forward to an evening out with your husband? Or wanted to catch up with other friends and family there? It is disappointing when something you'd been looking forward to doesn't happen in the way you hoped. If you really wanted a nice night out with your husband, perhaps with other old friends who are going to be there that he wanted to catch up with as well, perhaps you can arrange that for another time, so that you still have something to look forward to. Maybe even with the bride and groom as well?

FrancisCrawford Sat 29-Oct-16 18:32:48

A 70 mile journey at night is hardly a "mission home". Unless you are crossing the Kalahari desert by camel.

70 miles is hardly round the corner and I do not like driving at night. I have not once called her rude.

DH went to his cousins wedding in July and I wasn't invited. SIL husband wasn't invited either. Tbh, I wasn't bothered.

I'd be delighted to be invited without DH and kids, go and enjoy!

I think it's odd that your husband isn't invited.
I hate showy, ostentatious weddings where the price per head supersedes manners.

How would you be getting home otherwise? It's still a drive, which presumably you'd have had to do yourself if your husbands on strong painkillers.

It's OK to just not want to go alone, which sounds like the case here. Just decline politely and hope that you can do it without making her feel bad or awkward, which would be a shame, as it would come across like you still think she's been inconsiderate somehow! Or if you really do want to see her get married, and your husband couldn't look after the children if you were away overnight, you could all stay nearby and then nobody would be driving far.

Why not plan a posh evening out with your husband and the couple and anyone else that you'd been hoping the two of you would catch up with? Then you still have something nice to look forward to.

What I think is a bit strange is that invitation was sent to your parents and you and your siblings were on it. If you've grown up, moved out, got married and had children I would expect to get an invitation sent to my house (whoever was included on it) not added to my parents as though I was still a child living at home.

It's like my aunt who still includes me and my brother on my parents Christmas card and signs them from her children despite us all having partners, houses and children of our own. I find it weird and slightly patronising.

Why not all go and stay in hotel near the wedding and your H can do something with the kids while you are at the wedding and you'll join them in the hotel room late after the wedding? Or can't your inlaws help at home if your H can't cope on his own?

There's no evidence that it's showy or ostentatious, or that price has superseded manners. There's no rule book that says cousins must be invited - lots of people don't have room to invite cousins to their weddings. They draw the line at aunts and uncles. Or perhaps they choose cousins, but not second cousins. Or whatever. And maybe there wasn't really room for cousins, but they decided to make an exception this way and include you when they didn't really have space. Perhaps it was their way of being extra nice, who knows? Maybe they didn't invite other people's partners or plus ones so that you could be included. And if people say 'well they should choose something less expensive then so they could invite more people' - where do you draw the line? Maybe the second cousins feel affronted that they chose something so expensive that they weren't included. Or workplace friends. You could go even cheaper, and include them as well. And their plus ones! It's silly to apply your line of who should be invited or not to someone else's situation, and claim that it's bad manners not to have invited whoever. It could just as easily have been you that wasn't invited as a result. There are tons of things they'd have had to balance out, loads of people of equal priority, and making decisions about one person's situation isn't usually done in isolation. I don't think it should be seen as 'off' or inconsiderate to have made that choice, even if it's a shame and you didn't want it that way.

I think you can only respond to the invitation as graciously as possible, and make the choice on whether you can realistically go alone, and whether you want to. If it's impossible to leave the family, or if you don't want to go alone with just your parents and siblings, then they're both perfectly good reasons to decline and arrange something else to celebrate the marriage with them.

Cycling "What I think is a bit strange is that invitation was sent to your parents and you and your siblings were on it. If you've grown up, moved out, got married and had children I would expect to get an invitation sent to my house (whoever was included on it) not added to my parents as though I was still a child living at home."

I think cousin did this because it would be too bare-faced rude to send an invite to OP's house just addressed to OP, also there was a chance OP might interpret that as her, DH and children. By sending the joint invitation to OP's parents, it manages to avoid those problems.

Incidentally:

For those who can't see why a married couple should be invited together. If there was (say) a Gran and Grandad, married for 52 years, and a niece on Gran's side of the family invited just Gran, would that still not be rude in any way, shape or form?

No, but maybe because niece would class themselves related to both gran and grandad, as she would have grown up knowing them as that. The OPs cousin grew up with her, just her, and so sees her as her immediate family, with her other cousins and aunt/uncle?

I'm not phased by her not inviting the kids, but I do think it's odd she invited someone but not their spouse. Still, if she's not close with the spouse, and she's got an especially limited length for her guest list, I can see why she did.

I don't think anyone would say that it's not possible to deliberately be rude and exclude someone in order to make a point, or to be incredibly thoughtless and inconsiderate. It is. But there's no reason to assume that is the case.

I imagine a niece probably would have grown up knowing both the great aunt and great uncle as a unit, and would likely choose to invite them both, unless there was some quite specific reason not to. That's quite different from inviting a cousin as part of a sibling group - particularly one who is likely younger, more likely to be able to drive and not need help in the way an 80-year old might, etc.

If she did know the great-uncle equally well, and was close to them, then she might be being rude by not inviting him, perhaps making a point about something. I don't think it's possible to say that something is or is not ever rude in any way, shape or form.

It's possible in the OP's case that the bride does have something personal against the husband and was being rude by not inviting him, or that she cared more about herself and what expensive meal and venue she wanted than her guest's comfort by inviting lots of extras. But no point assuming that when the chances are very high that it wasn't the case. Just not liking a decision or an outcome doesn't make it wrong, or suggest that anything should have been done differently to stop you feeling like that. Sometimes things are just upsetting, and that's the way it is. And it can hurt. But without anyone being in the wrong.

I don't think it's too odd if cousins are in, say, their 20s, to sort of still feel like they are part of sibling groups and to not necessarily feel as close to all their partners - some might be spouses, but not all, the having to make a judgement about who is a long term partner, or a short term boyfriend, or whether to give everyone a plus-one even if you've never met the person, etc., is tricky. So part of a larger picture - and that might mean making decisions that aren't really ideal for a specific couple that is part of that group. It probably isn't the most usual situation, but I don't think it's that uncommon, particularly for younger cousins.

Yes, that makes sense. If OP's cousin grew up with OP but not her DH then it's not the same.

It's just that... it seems a bit odd to want family to be present at your own wedding to your spouse, without acknowledging the family members' own spouses (also products of the same union you are making yourself). I can't put it any better than that but it's saying weddings are important but spouses aren't somehow

If it was work colleagues or friends then no I wouldn't expect all spouses and plus-one invites to be given out, but family members at an actual wedding where you are getting married to your DH but you don't want their DH/DWs there... not saying it's deliberately rude but it just doesn't fit somehow

Anyway I have learned a useful thing or two here. It is good to see it as differences of doing things rather than rudeness (even if rudeness may have been in there, if it isn't necessarily then err on the side of not and just take it at face value). Good philosophy.

It's just that... it seems a bit odd to want family to be present at your own wedding to your spouse, without acknowledging the family members' own spouses (also products of the same union you are making yourself). I can't put it any better than that but it's saying weddings are important but spouses aren't somehow

That's completely overthinking it. The bride to be probably just really likes her cousins, wants them there, but can't have everyone for numbers reasons. I assume that the alternative was not inviting them at all.

Not everyone is over-invested in the whole 'marriage/spouses' thing, even if they intend to do it themselves for whatever reason.

I agree with belles bel .

What many of you are forgetting is that it's the bride and grooms wedding - they can invite who they want, there isn't a rule book. If the OP want yo attend, she can - if she doesn't, then she can decline. It isn't complicated.

Yes it's odd. But even odder is the DH getting the hump because he's not invited. Most men I know would be delighted not to go to a wedding.
OP go and have a great time with your parents and siblings. DH and DC will manage without you, even given his health issues.

I don't think it's about not being able to socialise without your partner. In this case it sounds like OP and cousin are close. I am close with my cousins too and if one of them invited me and not my partner I'd be really surprised. I would still go though, the rest of your family will be there. I would personally drive and not drink or get a taxi using the money I would have spent on family's outfits and hotel bill.

I had this with my cousin. Didn't expect kids to be invited but husband of 13 years not invited made me a bit