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Original poster

AIBU to think this is a strange wedding invite?!

348 replies

palomapaloma · 29/10/2016 11:23

Just got my eagerly awaited wedding invite from my first cousin who is getting married in a few months. She sent a group invite for my parents, me and my siblings (all adults) I assumed it included my husband and 2 children and my brothers long term partners. Messaged her just to check and she told me no it's only people named on the invite! Am I being off for feeling a bit put out? I'm now in a dilemma with what to do as hubby has the hump with not being invited! The wedding is about 40 miles away so if I go I'd have to stay over somewhere or not drink( not gonna happen!) I just feel quite disappointed because we grew up together, we are still close and shared a flat a few years back. I've been married for 6 years so it's not like I've got an on off bf that she barely knows. What's everyone's opinion and what would you do?

OP posts:
metaphoricus · 30/10/2016 18:54

Made me think. My cousins plus their partners plus their children comes to 42. That's almost half a wedding party.

Postchildrenpregranny · 30/10/2016 18:58

I was recently invited to the wedding of the daughter of old friends(I met the father at university and was bridesmaid at their wedding,before I met DH) DH was included .I would have found it very odd if he hadnt been I must admit .He would have been more than happy to have been missed off!In the event I went with another friend whose husband, like mine ,really didn't want to go.Nothing against the hosts I hasten to add .Neither has seen the bride for at least 15years and none of us had met the groom .While wishing the young couple well ,DH made the point that he doesnt really enjoy weddings where he will know very few people and isnt close to the couple. He was also already committed to attending the AGM of an organisation he is involved with (we hadnt expected an invitation)
I have no problem with attending social events alone but it is convention to invite both halves of a long term partnership ,surely .

mathanxiety · 30/10/2016 18:59

I think what she's done is weird and rude.

I wouldn't go if I were you.

If her choice of venue means numbers are limited or costs are too high to accommodate all the people she should invite, then she should rethink the venue. She is putting some sort of dream look to her wedding ahead of the community celebration aspect of it. Some brides get caught up in a little bubble where all they see is their own preoccupations and other important considerations are ignored.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/10/2016 19:08

If her choice of venue means numbers are limited or costs are too high to accommodate all the people she should invite

Sorry I must have missed the 'who you should invite' memo when I got married.

Maybe the bride and groom have many cousins and them and spouses and DC can't all be accommodated.

Their wedding, their choice. Not those that are invited.

Confusednotcom · 30/10/2016 19:28

It's a good job you called to confirm..! You have to respect her decision, there's no pint creating a drama, either go or don't. I expect you'd love it if you went given your history. She may be watching pennies or love the venue which is obvs not huge. Can the kids stay with friends if you're worried about DH being in charge with his condition?

RosieSW · 30/10/2016 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ginseng1 · 30/10/2016 19:30

I do not find it odd dc not invited. I certainly wouldn't have invited cousins kids to mine nor expect it! However I do find it odd that a cousin wouldn't invite your long term DH. But it wouldn't stop me going if I like them & know lots others - it is their choice! Me & DH invited to my cousins wedding comming up & he won't be able to go (all my fam going so no babysitters as his fam not local n it's an overnight) it's a pity as we'd love the day/night outogether but on the other hand all my family there so will have a right shindig! Still it's nice that he was asked!

Daydream007 · 30/10/2016 19:32

It's her wedding, her choice. It's also your choice whether you go or not.

mygorgeousmilo · 30/10/2016 19:35

I guess that by doing it in this way, they can almost halve the people invited and save half the costs. Weddings are really about the bride and groom having the day that they want, it's up to them who they invite - and weddings cost a fortune! If your husband was to go then you'd be getting a babysitter. Can that person not help out with the kids if he can't be left alone with them?

Headofthehive55 · 30/10/2016 19:38

Don't feel bad if you can't manage the driving - not everyone can manage to drive that distance.

ArchibaldsDaddy · 30/10/2016 19:38

This is really quite weird and is really poor manners. I don't think I'd go to a wedding that I was invited to where my wife wasn't.

If it's a cost thing, perhaps you can both go to the ceremony and then not attend the evening event (which strikes me as being in severe danger of spectacular oddness!).

You shouldn't feel guilty about not going if your whole family isn't close enough to warrant an invite!

metaphoricus · 30/10/2016 19:47

If her choice of venue means numbers are limited or costs are too high to accommodate all the people she should invite, then she should rethink the venue

'should' invite?? 'rethink the venue'??
'dream look'??
Some brides get caught up in a little bubble where all they see is their own preoccupations and other important considerations are ignored

Crikey.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 30/10/2016 19:53

I am not some sort of unit with my husband. I am an individual who is married to someone.

OP if you don't go, I suspect your relationship with your cousin may not be as close. It's very reasonable to not want to invite cousins partners and children because of costs. There may be a lot of closer family and good friends they want to invite. Why should those people miss out because married cousins will get the hump about not being invited.

When I got married, my teenage cousin felt her boyfriend should be invited. He wasn't. We had a blanket rule that no cousins or friends got +1s. I ended up falling out with my aunt and those cousins because of it. I wasn't wrong. None of my friends had an issue although only 1 was married and she didn't like me. I still don't speak to that cousin because of the stink she caused and we had been close when we were younger.

A good friend of mine got married. She was the last one to get married. We were all invited, not one of our husbands or any of our children were. We understood numbers would be an issue. We had a great time.

You either want to celebrate her marriage or not, you don't need your hand held.

NickiFury · 30/10/2016 20:02

😄 Really, the way some on this thread are stating How A Wedding Should Be, it's as though there's some kind of official rule that the more plebian of us aren't aware of. I actually think it's hugely entitled to be stating that weddings need to be downsized, venues re-chosen and expectations lowered in order to ensure that the people that your blood relatives decided shack up with can attend your wedding.

mathanxiety · 30/10/2016 20:09

It's not a question of hand holding.

The OP's DH is a family member by dint of his marriage. Her brothers' partners are family by dint of relationships. Her new husband is joining the family be marrying her, and she is joining his.

The partners and spouses should all be included as family in the invitations.

Leaving children out of it is understandable, but leaving out spouses and long standing partners is really not on.

Original poster
palomapaloma · 30/10/2016 20:09

I definitely shouldn't have just assumed we were all invited, it's just we are a close family and any other family wedding has been all cousins and their partners / children but it's her choice at the end of the day. My in-laws are 300 miles away so can't help out with kids and the wedding is on a Sunday so arranging a sleep over for little ones is tricky. Hoping for a car share or hotel nearby that we can all stay at then check in on kids. I'm perfectly capable of driving there and back I just get anxious driving alone at night after a serious car accident while pregnant 2 years ago.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 30/10/2016 20:11

To illustrate my point, I would be tempted to buy a dinner set for the happy couple, take out half of it, and send it with my regrets.

Horsepower9 · 30/10/2016 20:12

Jayzus there are some weird people out there? I wouldn't want to go without my husband or children. I could understand limited numbers for afternoon do but surly the evening could be for everyone! Who only invites half a family? Like I said weird!

neveradullmoment99 · 30/10/2016 20:15

It is odd and quite hurtful. I was part of a small wedding party. My husband and all our children were invited including their partners and even their children . We took up a large part of the guests!!!! I felt that was very generous and I was also at the top table!!! [ Ive never been at the top table before]. I am the sister in law of the couple that got married.
The point is, it is possible to have a small wedding party and invite families to come.
I personally would decline it and use the money for a nice day out with you, your dh and the kids.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 30/10/2016 20:15

maths That is ridiculous and childish.

Headofthehive55 · 30/10/2016 20:16

Totally agree math

QueenLizIII · 30/10/2016 20:30

To illustrate my point, I would be tempted to buy a dinner set for the happy couple, take out half of it, and send it with my regrets.

I bet no one invites you anywhere

NickiFury · 30/10/2016 20:31

I think that must be tongue in cheek. No one could be so ridiculous.

Liska · 30/10/2016 20:38

OK I haven't read whole thread (phone battery dying!) but wanted to echo something Rosie said. This happened to a group of my friends when one got married: she invited two of the women, but without their husbands. It was particularly difficult as one of them had a very small baby at the time. They both booked rooms for themselves and husbands at a nearby hotel. The women attended the wedding and then went back to the hotel for a little shared mini break. Win win. (This bride had form though - when invited with her bf to the wedding of another member of that group, she rsvpd yes and then didn't turn up because she'd split up with her bf, and wouldn't go alone as "single women at weddings look pathetic")

HummusForBreakfast · 30/10/2016 20:41

I would find that strange because for me, a wedding is a family affair and clearly a husband is part of the family!

I think she knew very well this would not be well received, hence the reason she sent it to your mum and dad rather than to you directly.

Now forgive me if I have missed that, but what do your siblings think of the situation?

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