AIBU to think this is a strange wedding invite?!

[palomapaloma]

Just got my eagerly awaited wedding invite from my first cousin who is getting married in a few months. She sent a group invite for my parents, me and my siblings (all adults) I assumed it included my husband and 2 children and my brothers long term partners. Messaged her just to check and she told me no it's only people named on the invite! Am I being off for feeling a bit put out? I'm now in a dilemma with what to do as hubby has the hump with not being invited! The wedding is about 40 miles away so if I go I'd have to stay over somewhere or not drink( not gonna happen!) I just feel quite disappointed because we grew up together, we are still close and shared a flat a few years back. I've been married for 6 years so it's not like I've got an on off bf that she barely knows. What's everyone's opinion and what would you do?

I'd either go together for the night do or not at all. I think it's fine for cousins to only be invited to the night, but it's making it seem worse by splitting you up for the day.

I wonder if there should be a MN campaign for a wedding suitability questionnaire that couples can send out before they even go and look at venues... Heaven forbid that they should be so selfish to choose what they would like for their wedding day when cousin Senga's not happy as the venue doesnt match her needs or expectations! They can then carry out the Sisyphusian task of pleasing EVERYONE and sod the budget!!

I very much doubt that the bride wants to offend her cousins. She knows her budget and who is closest to her.

Once you get to cousins, their partners and their children, that is a huge chunk of money when it can easily be £50 a head. perhaps she cant afford everyone.

It's a bit off to not invite partners, but, ultimately the choice is yours.

The point is, it is possible to have a small wedding party and invite families to come
But it's not though, is it? If both bride and groom have a lot of brothers and sisters and cousins, and then you have to invite all their partners and spouses and children? How then, can you keep it small?
I suppose you could just invite your favourite brother and his family, and your favourite cousin and their family. But that's going to piss off a lot of actual blood relatives innit?
I wonder if anybody can think of a more appropriate place to draw a line?

Do not get this joined at the hip stuff. My DP was often invited to weddings without me and went. I was at one last week without him. He doesn't know the girl - (schoolfriend's DD) so what would have been the point?
As poster no 1 said - "Go or don't go" - simple.

You are taking this far too personally

Dh isn't the only one not invited

B&G prob said no to partners and children to that they have those they truest want there - family and friends

You say you don't want to be away as dh may not be able to look after kids alone

So get a babysitter

Several choices

Go and drive and not drink
Go and try to lift share if you must drink
Go and stay the night and arrange a babysitter to look after dc and help dh

Not a bit tongue in cheek.

I have actually never in my entire life heard of or come across a bride inviting only blood relatives and leaving out her relatives' partners or spouses.

I am 52, so have seen many a wedding invitation, on two continents.

Me neither. In the 20th century (and it seems, anywhere in the current century other than on MN in my experience) people chose venues that could accommodate their close family and partners rather than generic wanky hotels at £99 a head. It is highly selfish and entitled.

When you get married it isn't about what you want, about showing off how wonderful you are your taste and personality is. The first thought should always be for guests, what is or is not convenient for the people you love and want to celebrate with you. Marriage is for you, a wedding is for others.

I cannot ever find the time to get pissed off about stuff like this. It's your cousin, not your sibling, and she probably has a lot of friends that she sees regularly in adulthood that she would like to share her special day with. She grew up with you so she invited you. She didn't grow up with your DH.

Sometimes I get invited to a wedding without DH, usually with him, sometimes my children are invited, sometimes they are not. I just accept what is on the invite, with the understanding that it is bloody stressful to arrange weddings/numbers, and try to make arrangements accordingly. Now and again I cannot go because I can get no sitter or something, so I politely decline.

There are no rules, she doesn't have to invite your DH or your DC.

Yakitiro- are you for real ? No, this is a wind up surely ??

You have expressed my own thoughts very well there, Yakitori.

I disagree with the contention that there are no rules. They are unwritten but they still apply.

Yakotiri absolutely , I agree entirely .Maybe is generational as I suspect I am about the same age as Mathanxiety .We were married in 1990 ,I felt honoured that people came to our wedding , and had been brought up to believe that if you invite people to something then you look after them .

Most people's weddings at that time were less flash , people cut their coat to fit their cloth. It was not all about the adoration of the bride and groom which is what it does seem to be like now for a lot of people, at least on mn but about asking family and friends to help you celebrate what is after all a very serious commitment .

Yakitori, you are spot on. (But I'm very old and last century.)

QueenLizIII

To illustrate my point, I would be tempted to buy a dinner set for the happy couple, take out half of it, and send it with my regrets.

Pfttt, what's the point inbtgat? Way better to send half of each item.

Though more seriously in a world where inbtgat isn't a word ('in that').

My cousin got married a few years ago and only I was invited (i have DH of many years and children). Thought 'hmmmm that's an unusual more' meaning the no partner invite (because face it is is unusual not to include family long term partners, it's even unusual with friend's partner when it comes to weddings).

I also knew that certain aunts and uncles and cousins werent invited (family argument involving the bride's father, it was his siblings and their adult children not invited)

Got to the (overseas for me) wedding and discovered I was in fact the only cousin there (the bride's siblings excluded they were there). My parents being the only other relatives on that side of the family. It was weird, there's twenty odd cousins. I am The Chosen One.

Might have been reasonable (some how) if on the other side of the family all cousins and their long term and short term partners hadn't of been invited but they were. Then the photographer called for an family photo with aunts and uncles - cue all lining up including the for a wet week partner of a cousin from the other side of the family and then my mum (sister of the father of the bride) was told 'not you'.

Now that's stubbing.

It was made all the more marvelous when said cousin that got married complained to me that she (and here siblings) hadn't been invited to another of our cousins wedding.

In a nutshell OP. It is what it is, if you can't go because of your DH being unable to care for your DC at night you can't go. Tell your cousin this, if she's annoyed by it she's daft.

So much on MN reveals generational changes and altered attitudes to things - and this wedding thread shows it up. I've never heard of splitting up a married couple on a wedding invite - as as for the galloping expense of 'putting on a wedding' in recent years - something else. I've just been invited to someone's '2 weddings' in different countries! Seriously - they mean 2 parties, surely, as I'm not sure which is supposed to be the actual 'marriage' ! Galloping mind blowing expense for the bridal
party and the guests. All that - and marriages sometimes don't last as long as the wedding planning...,,,,people are being led by the nose by the example of celebs rather than common sense

"I've never heard of splitting up a married couple on a wedding invite"

You must be one of the younger MNetters, as it wasn't considered weird or unusual for married people to have their own social lives in the twentieth century.

If the idea that you cannot consider people as individuals is really taking hold, that will in itself be a contributory factor to the galloping cost.

Though the bigger one will be the rise of the package wedding sold by venues, and a plethora of marketing magazines aimed at those planning weddings.

RancidHag, as an older MNetter, who married in 1991, (and is still married to the same man, in case that is relevant!) I wouldn't have dreamt of not inviting my friends' and cousins' partners, however well I did or didn't know them. It's just Good Manners. Nothing to do with married people being joined at the hip and being unable to socialize one without the other.

Sorry, missed the "old" out, RancidOldHag. How rude of me

tuktuk I agree. It would have been considered the height of bad manners.
It is perfectly possible to be bad mannered, but I don't think desirable.

Rancidold hag - nope - married 30 years to same man and married in 1986. Not young. Have very independent social life and career. In fact - if I depended on weddings for my social life, it would be deadly boring! ( fortunately I don't, and my social life is active and independent of husband when it needs to be)
It is a matter of etiquette - my husband is part of my adult family and if a cousin discounted that family bond I would consider it insulting

Tapandgo - that's the word - etiquette - which, in my day, did include "rules" about who to invite to a wedding, but thinking about it, it is a word you don't seem to hear much of on MN, though I don't normally frequent the wedding chat threads, so I could be wrong

I went to my cousins wedding with my brother! What made us laugh was that one of our other cousins who was always getting engaged had her current fiance in tow. It's up to them. I didn't invite my cousins to the sit down part, just ceremony and evening do. It meant they could bring anyone they wanted. They all went for a meal together in between. One of my cousins did the same. This seems an odd scenario, neither one or the other. You could of course decline attending the sit down dinner and only go in the evening with your family.

Tuktuk its this etiquette that has changed over the generations - as it does - but alarming to see 'family' virtually redefined to bomb out husbands and wives.
Still - I got called young - I'll dine out on that (alone/with husband).