AIBU to be upset with Dsis' comments about DS being "young" for his age?

[LookingforRainbows]

Ds is 7. Not so long ago turned 7. His favourite show at the moment is Paw Patrol. He also likes Go Diego Go, Blaze and the Monster Machines, sometimes Octonauts and Hey Duggee.

Anyway, conversation last night, Dsis and I talking about Christmas, she asks about what to get DS. I told her that he loves anything paw patrol at the moment, as all the things he has been asking for are paw patrol. I also suggest a few other things he is into, such as play mobile, play dough, Lego, arts and crafts.
Dsis then pulls a face and tells me that she doesn't want to buy him anything babyish, and goes on that I always get him babyish things I am not giving him a chance to grow up and like other things which are more suited to his age.

Dsis does not have her own Children but her partner has a Ds a couple of months younger than Ds, I'll call him Bill, and then another ds a couple of years younger, who is 5, I'll call him Ben. Both these boys have different interests to DS, and like mine craft, Star Wars, games consoles, which are fine for them, but my DS just hasn't shown any interest in those things. He always gets bored on a games console after a few minutes, where as Bill and Ben can play for hours.
Dsis then goes on about Bill and Ben and how she wanted to all get them the same present but she can't because ds is still into baby things, and no wonder Bill and Ben find it hard to play nicely with Ds, because he is too babyish for them, and even Ben who is 5 doesn't even like paw patrol, so Ds must be the only child in his class who likes paw patrol, and I need to get him to stop liking paw patrol because his friends at school will laugh and tease him, and basically how I am a failure as a parent, and it's my fault because he still watches nick jr, and I am not encouraging him to grow up etc etc etc.....

My gripe is that this is not the first time she has been like this with Ds. She is constantly making comments like, "oh can't he get himself a drink yet?" Oh he can read now, so why not let him read to himself in bed, Bill and Ben don't have bedtime stories anymore", or when she invited me to go furniture shopping, and I declined because DS's dad had pre-arranged plans, and I didn't think he would be able to manage being dragged around furniture shops all day, she got really stroppy with me, (oh for God's sake Rainbows, he'll just have to learn to manage, he's not a baby).
She has now even started to say snide comments to DS, telling him he is too big for his comfort toy (even though he very rarely takes it out of the house these days), and telling him he's too big to sit on mummy lap.

She hasn't always been this way - only since she's been with her DP, and has been a kind of step-parent to his sons, and since then its just been comparisons between them all the time.

I guess to be honest, I know that she is right, and that Ds probably is "young" for his age, but thing is, I actually quite like that, and I don't want him to grow up too fast. DS is mine and his Dad's only child (and probably will stay that way) and yes I will be the first to admit we do still baby him, I know that I still do a number of things that I know he could probably do himself, such as washing and drying him, cutting up his food (he dresses himself as he has needed to learn this for school), tucking him into bed etc.
I am just really getting frustrated and upset now with the constant comments of dsis that he is babyish, it's my fault and I need to grow him up or else he is going to get teased.
Sorry it's been long. Just needed a rant.
AIBU? Or is my sister right?

My DD is 9. My Dh an I take bedtime in turns and one night I read her a story the next night he does. She had lots of DVD,s and still liked to watch barbi and once in a blue moon I catch her watching peppy pig which she still likes.
She still plays with her dolls and duplo. When we are out she always holds mine or her dads hand and we give her as many cuddles and kisses as we can because she is loved. My point is your son is perfectly fine for his age. Why shouldn't you make his life easier? He is your baby. Your sister sounds a bit jelouse of you and your relationship with your son. Maybe she will see things differently when she had had her own child. Tell her straight not to make damaging comments infront of your son. I'd rather read to a child anytime then have them sat infront of a games console for hours on end!!!

YANBU to allow your DS to watch to shows like Paw Patrol and to allow him to enjoy being a child for as long as possible.

YABU to do absolutely everything for your DS. It is important that he gradually learns to be more independent and you need to allow him to practice and develop basic skills like washing/ eating/ drinking or how will he ever learn?

Your sister isn't going about it in the right way but maybe she has a bit of a point. You yourself say you baby him a little. He needs to learn life skills. It's not like you're as soon as he turns 9 you will suddenly stop babying him so he won't get teased. You need to slowly decrease the babying for his own good. He's completely allowed to like whatever tv shows etc he likes though.

Sorry my phone only loaded the first load of comments so I didn't see your update/response. Lots of praise for trying and explaining that no-one learns things straight away. Failure and struggle is part of life. Resilience is a key skill all people need. You don't need to change everything overnight. Just slowly try and get him to be more independent. He'll be fine, don't worry.

OP I'm a Brownie leader and we would take 7 year olds away on a residential and expect them to (with support but we wouldn't do it for them)

• wash/shower/dry/dress themselves
• make their own beds/fold their own clothes/pack their own bag
• eat meals with cutlery with minimum support
• make sandwiches/butter toast
• prepare vegetables/make cakes
• wipe down work surfaces/hoover/clean sinks/mop floors

just to give you an idea ...

I also think it's worth differentiating between "can't do" and "won't do" (or even "could do, but it's nicer if Mum does it). My DS is 12. The other day he asked me to chop a banana because "I'm not very good at it". My response was that he will never get better if he doesn't try (actually he's perfectly fine at cutting up bananas, he's just rather not have to get up).

I agree with whoever it was that said you have to let them try, even if it makes a mess or takes 3 times as long!

Your Sisters comments have absolutely nothing to do with your son not being independent enough. She isn't clumsily trying to point out that you do too much for him. And need to 'bring him on a bit'... she is being nasty... but you know that, God knows why but you don't need to care.

So you wash and dry him and cut up his food... he's 7 not 17! His tastes sound completely normal among the seven year olds I know... if he was getting bullied you would help him but would it be right to change him to suit other children's intolerant attitudes?

If you think you might baby him then encourage some independence but certainly don't change things that work for your family on the say so of someone who quite frankly seems to treat you with contempt. If it helps, with my first I did things for him for much longer than I needed to...I had no examples to tell me otherwise, he soon let me know mind you. "I can do that myself mum!" Most of my friends were the same.

Also. For what it's worth, I don't know many 7, 8, 9, 10 or 39 year olds who would enjoy a whole day furniture shopping... dull!

Rainbows, I feel sad for you that your sister is making you feel this way. She's obviously trying to make a point but going about it in a horrible way. All children are different and reach milestones at different ages and like different things and to compare them based on these is just not fair.
I'm sure it would help your DS if you were able to help him become a bit more independent - pouring drinks and making a sandwich for example - if he spills a bit it can be cleared up - try by giving him a jug with the right amount of drink in for the cup so it can't overflow. If jam isn't spread evenly on toast or a sandwich it doesn't matter - he'll enjoy eating it knowing that he made it.

To me it sounds as if Bill and Ben are the opposite extreme of your DS. My youngest two, DD(8) and DS(6) love games consoles - for the odd hour at the weekend. They also sometimes watch CBeebies instead of the more favoured POP. My eldest two (now 16 and 17) I read to until they were around 12/13. They were (and still are) great readers, but still enjoyed having me read to them. After I'd read they'd go off to bed and read to themselves as well. There's a happy medium somewhere that'll suit you and DS - you just have to find it.
As for help and advice, have you thought about asking your health visitor? If you don't know who yours is (I hadn't till recently) ask at your doctor's for contact details. Health visitors are there to help with all aspects of bringing up children.
You sound like a lovely Mum who only wants the best for her DS. Please keep loving him as you do, and just find out ways to make things even better. Also, try to make peace with your sister, who is probably trying to help but going about it in completely the wrong way!

You sound like an absolutely lovely mum.

Sure, your ds needs a bit more independence and I'm sure he'll get there with your support. I think he's a very lucky little boy to have you as his mum.

I hope your sister was trying to (badly) hint that he needs more jndependence but nothing wrong with him enjoying what he watches.

I still get playmobil for my nearly 10 year old, she still loves it and i far prefer her playing with it than the video games!

Your sister is showing some damaging ideas about how BOYS should behave. It's gender norms, really. She's seeing him as young for not doing masculine things, not aged things. It's shitty.

I'm doing it. He's going to make his own porridge this morning. Will probs be equal parts sugar to porridge but I'd like to. It have to do it myself

*id like to not have to do it myself

Pura Brilliant! My 8yo does porridge for all of us, using one cup of oats to two cups of milk, and stand in front of the microwave ready to press stop if it starts boiling over. If only she was taller and could safely deal with the kettle, too...

Kids like what they like I'd a million times rather my DS was interested in paw patrol than games consoles and read to him rather than being left to it. Other than that yes he does need to be more independent re self care. But it is non of your sisters business. Having two DSC does not make her an expert on your child

My son who is 6 loves paw patrol also my nephew who's 7 nearly 8 also loves it that's all he's asked for at xmas also still loves oconorts x

OP, the trick is to let him start learning during those hours when you do have the time to cope with disasters. My mum let us do baking at the weekend rather than breakfast in the morning. I have multiple photos of a flour-covered self in a dough-splattered kitchen. The pride in my face is unmistakable.

I have lots of children and they all varied so wildly in development yet the 5 eldest are now all normal adults, completely regardless of what they did or liked and when.

My current 8 year old does have 'older' tastes than your son but still chooses to be be dried by us, have food cut up etc, most of the 'baby' things you describe, yet at school can cope with an 8 - 4 timetable, where the pupils change classes for different lessons and has a staggeringly large array of different sports kits to co-ordinate and manages to get to the appropriate after school clubs that they chose to do, even getting the school to call me to collect earlier if he doesn't want to do the after school activity (which is rare).

My point is that it's quite nice that he appreciates these programs etc and really nice that he's not into tablets etc yet.

It'll happen from my in depth experience.

Don't worry about it, he sounds like a lovely well balanced child and your sis sounds interfering. Perhaps she's jealous of you in other ways, I don't know, but whatever it is, he won't be a 20 year old Paw Patrol lover being dried by you - I promise you :)

YANBU

Agree with many PPs that you need to give him a bit more independence with some things.

However if at 7/8 my children were "too old to sit on mummy's knee" I'd be very sad. Same with tucking in and stories.

Your DS has different interests with toys and tv to her SDC but why on earth should that concern her? My DH and I have zero interest in Star Wars/games consoles/computer games, and wouldn't even consider those types of toys/tv for ours, doesn't mean they will be young for their age!

YANBU

Balloon Slayer , , Crying now but it is so true . Almost as sad as The Full Stop Day

In 2011 I took my youngest DCs to London for the day, little knowing that would be the last time we would all go up there together.

OP in some cases you are NBU but as others have said washing, hair washing, making drinks etc, , let your DS start doing this . . I think you sound a good Mum and see you took the advise on board , good call OP

No idea why some of that is in bold . was not intended to be

Urgh, none of her business, my 9 year old is into Star Wars, Top Gear, Marvel, football and all sorts of grown-up things but he still loves it when his 2 year old brother puts Topsy and Tim on lol. Why ask if she knows what you will say and will just be mean? I would have to retort with something about the consoles but that is just me.

However, at 7, yes my son was doing a lot of things for himself, making toast or cereal in the morning plus a few other things. I still tuck him in though now at 9, I hope that doesn't stop for a while.

It's none of her business!!! It's outrageous that she comments on him (and you) in this way.

Maybe your DS is young for his age, and maybe you could encourage him to be a little more grown up. But that's between you and your DS - nothing to do with her. I suspect she's shut out of her DP's DSs lives, so is taking out her frustration with a more vicarious interest in yours.

YANBU, my 7 year old DD likes Paw Patrol, etc and likes bedtime stories read to her, sits on my knee, etc and I don't care if that makes her babyish. I love having cuddles with her, etc. She can read to herself, and does sometimes read stories to her teddies when she goes to bed. It's not up to anyone else what your DS likes or does, but you and him. If your DSis doesn't want to buy him what he wants, suggest she gives him money so that he can be a "big boy" and buy it himself.