AIBU to be upset with Dsis' comments about DS being "young" for his age?

[LookingforRainbows]

Ds is 7. Not so long ago turned 7. His favourite show at the moment is Paw Patrol. He also likes Go Diego Go, Blaze and the Monster Machines, sometimes Octonauts and Hey Duggee.

Anyway, conversation last night, Dsis and I talking about Christmas, she asks about what to get DS. I told her that he loves anything paw patrol at the moment, as all the things he has been asking for are paw patrol. I also suggest a few other things he is into, such as play mobile, play dough, Lego, arts and crafts.
Dsis then pulls a face and tells me that she doesn't want to buy him anything babyish, and goes on that I always get him babyish things I am not giving him a chance to grow up and like other things which are more suited to his age.

Dsis does not have her own Children but her partner has a Ds a couple of months younger than Ds, I'll call him Bill, and then another ds a couple of years younger, who is 5, I'll call him Ben. Both these boys have different interests to DS, and like mine craft, Star Wars, games consoles, which are fine for them, but my DS just hasn't shown any interest in those things. He always gets bored on a games console after a few minutes, where as Bill and Ben can play for hours.
Dsis then goes on about Bill and Ben and how she wanted to all get them the same present but she can't because ds is still into baby things, and no wonder Bill and Ben find it hard to play nicely with Ds, because he is too babyish for them, and even Ben who is 5 doesn't even like paw patrol, so Ds must be the only child in his class who likes paw patrol, and I need to get him to stop liking paw patrol because his friends at school will laugh and tease him, and basically how I am a failure as a parent, and it's my fault because he still watches nick jr, and I am not encouraging him to grow up etc etc etc.....

My gripe is that this is not the first time she has been like this with Ds. She is constantly making comments like, "oh can't he get himself a drink yet?" Oh he can read now, so why not let him read to himself in bed, Bill and Ben don't have bedtime stories anymore", or when she invited me to go furniture shopping, and I declined because DS's dad had pre-arranged plans, and I didn't think he would be able to manage being dragged around furniture shops all day, she got really stroppy with me, (oh for God's sake Rainbows, he'll just have to learn to manage, he's not a baby).
She has now even started to say snide comments to DS, telling him he is too big for his comfort toy (even though he very rarely takes it out of the house these days), and telling him he's too big to sit on mummy lap.

She hasn't always been this way - only since she's been with her DP, and has been a kind of step-parent to his sons, and since then its just been comparisons between them all the time.

I guess to be honest, I know that she is right, and that Ds probably is "young" for his age, but thing is, I actually quite like that, and I don't want him to grow up too fast. DS is mine and his Dad's only child (and probably will stay that way) and yes I will be the first to admit we do still baby him, I know that I still do a number of things that I know he could probably do himself, such as washing and drying him, cutting up his food (he dresses himself as he has needed to learn this for school), tucking him into bed etc.
I am just really getting frustrated and upset now with the constant comments of dsis that he is babyish, it's my fault and I need to grow him up or else he is going to get teased.
Sorry it's been long. Just needed a rant.
AIBU? Or is my sister right?

So she's with someone who has children and suddenly thinks she's an expert on child development?

As long as you're not mollycoddling him, your son will develop at his own rate.

Anyway, Minecraft's vastly overrated

I have DSs about the same age as your sisters DSS. The younger is no longer into paw patrol etc because he has spend so long with his older brother doing older boys things. Otherwise he would be. Interestingly if he chooses to put anything like this on tv his 7 year old brother will happily watch it with him. If your DS enjoys these things then leave him be but I would encourage you to stop doing as much for him and let him become independent, it's all just a part of normal growing up. As for your sister, just tell her to butt out!

I wouldn't worry about the tv. My nearly ten year old sneakily watches it when her sister and brother are. And I watch my little pony. At 32

BUT you are babying him
In other ways. My five year old cuts up her own food and gets her own drinks of water. And as for washing and drying he is more than capable

I don't really get this "I don't want him to grow up" that I hear people say. Why is the baby/needy stage of a child better than the next stage of being an independent child with learned skills? Every stage of childhood is amazing, not just the baby stage.

I really don't get it. I hear it from friends regularly "I don't want him/her to grow up" when they start school for instanfr. It totally baffles me. it's a natural progression for people to grow up and us as parents to give them the skills and space to do it. A child that can brush their own teeth and dry themselves isn't worse than a child who can't.

You haven't gone wrong, and I'm sure he's not the only child whose parents still do lots of things for them. It's not too late, it's not like your sending off a fully grown man who can't wash or cut food. He'll probably pick it up really quickly.

I hate that people will say he will be seen as immature to his peers. How about we teach our children to accept that everyone is different and have different likes and dislikes. Not that someone who doesn't like something you do is ripe for bullying.

Young for his age is good in my book - children are forced to grow up far too fast. Just enjoy him and love him as he is and ignore barmy sister.

GingerIvy makes a good point:

"Oh he can read now, so why not let him read to himself in bed, Bill and Ben don't have bedtime stories anymore"

Reading to children, even if they're a bit older, is perfectly okay. It's even recommended by some professionals. It gives them access to books that they may not be able to read yet, however, they can still enjoy the story as well as improving their vocabulary. It also encourages discussion and is good as family time together."

The 5 year old isn't read to at night anymore?? Don't care who thinks I am being judgemental but that is shit. And who thinks it a great idea that a 7 and 5 year old are using consoles to that extent?

But, other than that, your ds should be given more freedom to cut up his own food etc. That part I do agree with your sister even though she is being spectacularly unpleasant about it.

Well if your dsis wants to get the same thing, it really says a lot about her approach to parenting her dss. I.e. Anything for an easy life.

Your ds likes what he likes and that is fine. My dd is a very mature 8 yr old and she still likes to watch peppa pig and her dolls. As a pp said, there are some girls, who are into crop tops and hot pants. Dd likes pretty dresses even though she plays rugby. My friends son is into Pokemon and Star Wars, etc. And he's far less mature than my dd. And that's fine. Children should be allowed to be who they are and not pushed onto the next level.

Growing up is not a race. And having a more mature or less mature child is no badge of honour. Good (enough) parenting will ensure all our children get there in the end.

OP, is there any way in which you can train yourself to enjoy his increasing independence and newly acquired skills? To think of each stage in his development and something joyful for you, too? As something that adds rather than takes away?

Coming from the different perspective of the mother of a teenage son, I have to say there is something peculiarly satisfying (and touching) about the moment when he takes the heavy bag from your hand and says "mum, you look tired, go in and sit down and I'll make you a coffee". It does not spell lessened closeness, very far from it.

And with a bit of luck, in encouraging him to learn new skills you may find a shared interest that leads to continuing closeness.

My SIL encouraged her ds to start cooking when he was younger than yours is now. He is now a big grunting teenager, but they still watch cookery programmes together and try the techniques out together afterwards- it absolutely has not led to him growing away from her, quite the contrary.

My db, who is into sailing, started handing the tiller over to his son when he was only a toddler. Again, the closeness growing out of that shared interest has helped them to stick together and communicate during some rocky times.

I am all for encouraging children to stay children if we mean keeping them away from depictions of graphic violence and adult sexual content. But a traditional "idyllic" childhood, if you think about it, was never about sitting down being pampered like a little prince; it was about children enjoying a sense of achievement, and enjoying their place as a contributing member of the family. Makes more fun for everyone if you have a nephew who can cook.

I know someone, who puts her 3 yr old to bed with his tablet and he calls down to her at because he wants lights out. And lights out means 9pm or something along those lines.

Not reading to littlies is plain crap. Dd (8) and I take it in turns to read to each other at bedtime.

Oh DO please tell your sister to stfu? She knows fuck all and with the hours of consoles, not reading to the kids, she and shit-dad there are the ones in the wrong!

My ds is 10, almost 11, he still likes me to read to him when we have time!

My boyf (54) read to me (48 1/2) the other night, it was magical!

If she so much as pipes up again about your dc, please do say "well I can't expect you to know about this stuff when the kids aren't yours" harsh, but she's being a total bitch

There is no problem with your child being 'young for their age'. My eldest always has been, and still is.

He's nearly 18 and, in some ways, is very mature for his age, but he isn't interested in trying to get into pubs, he doesn't think drinking/getting drunk is 'cool', he wasn't interested in learning to drive as soon as he was 17... in fact, he has consistently been around 12-18 months behind everyone else.

Well behind the kids who weren't/aren't just like him, that is.

For me, the only issue is if you intentionally limit their access to age appropriate stuff because you are trying to keep them young, but responding to their interests/stage of development is fine.

FWIW, 7 is a bit on the old side to be still interested in Paw Patrol, but who cares? There's nothing wrong, whatsover, in not being interested in games consoles! Children benefit from being read to until their teens and it's terribly sad that young children are being deemed by your sister to be "too old" for a bedtime story. At 7, he should be able to get himself bathed/washed/dried etc. You shouldn't be cutting up his food for him. He should be able to get himself a drink by 7. Does he sort his own breakfast? Make his own lunch? Put his own laundry in the wash? My children have both been stripping their beds and have been able to use the washing machine to wash their bed linen since they were 4. That was their job. (With the obvious caveat, before someone jumps on me, of expectations being match to the child's ability).

He will always be your baby, but he isn't a baby.

You will be doing him a huge disservice by not enabling him to become independent. Your role as parents is to develop all the skills in him that he will need to function as an independent adult in the world and we are developing these skills in them from birth. It doesn't benefit him for you to baby him; he needs you to help him become independent, not hold him back.

It actually makes children more confident the more skills they develop and the more capable they feel. It develops their self esteem, their resilience and their ability to take and manage risk.

It really doesn't benefit them at all to mollycoddle them.

A friend of mine mentioned in passing the book that she was reading to her DD the other day. Her DD is in Year 9 !! And extremely academic and independent too.

TBH I think most parents stop reading to kids at night because they get fed up with it, not that the kids do.

I have a babyish youngest child. He likes consoles and Star Wars etc but he likes repetitive play which I think is a younger child thing (eg if I do something he thinks is funny he has to do it back, and again and again). He also has strong attachments to certain toys. However as he is our third I know that these things will pass soon enough. How I miss the days when the older two wanted to hold my hand and sit on my knee.

OP read this poem and you will see what I mean

The Last Time by Lucy Berry

The father, reading to his girl
some little tale they always read
is unaware that this may be
the last one that she’ll ever need;
she’s grown past stories softly read
by daddy sitting on the bed.

The mother with her muddy son,
kicking a football in the park,
cannot sense as they wander home
through chilly, soft-approaching dark;
this was the last time they’d come out
to kick that happy ball about.

How secret, sneaky-soft they come:
those last times when we’ll kiss it better,
hold their hand across the road
or lift them up to post a letter.
They pass unmarked, un-noticed; for
we’re not so needed any more.

So they abandon fairy tales,
and nursery rhymes that mummy sings
and leave behind soft toys – and us -
and put away their childish things;
a loss so small. Our loss the greater,
unmissed, un-mourned, until years later.

Oh you BUGGER. Actual tears. I'm a snottery mess.

His tastes do sound a little young for his age, my 7 year old wouldn't entertain Paw Patrol but then he has 2 older brothers so has possibly grown up slightly quicker than an only child.

The Last Time (taken from bellebebes.co.uk)

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before,
When you had freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.
You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Nappy changes and cryng,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.

But don’t forget…
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed your baby
for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your
sleeping child.
One day you will carry them on your hip,
then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
They will never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last time you ever wake to this.
One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that way again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your
last dirty face.
They will one day run to you with arms raised,
for the very last time.The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times, and even then,
it will take you a while to realise.
So while you are living in these times,
remember there are only so many of them and
when they are gone,
you will yearn for just one more day of them.

For one last time.

Totally agree with you and others.

What your DS is into is noones business. He chooses what to do in his free time and it shouldn't be forced on him to watch something he isn't interested in.
I still love watching Disney films!

However the skills thing is important because it can damage a child's self esteem if not given independence. They can grow up feeling like they aren't trusted and can sometimes develop behavioural problems because they are stifled. I know it's done out of love and I know you know it's not the best.

As for your sister - tell her to accept your DS for who he is or fuck off quite frankly.

I agree that letting him wash and dry himself is a good idea now. But re. his teeth, you're actually in the right of it according to lots of dentists (in Australia at least) to still be doing them for him - I've been actively told to continue helping DS1 with his toothbrushing until he was at least 7 (which I did) - let him learn to do it, of course, but just go over them as well.

I still wash his back for him in his big bath, but he does the rest himself and dries himself. I've told him to pay particular attention to the areas where mushrooms grow (fungus but it's more entertaining to call them "mushroom areas) and he knows that.

Ds1 can cut up most of his own food now but still struggles slightly with some meats, so we do still cut up steak or lamb chops for him IF he's struggling (he's expected to at least try to do it himself first).

But, as per the poems, it will all finish soon enough - just let him progress at a pace to keep up with what other (NT) children can and expect to do at this age.

Tell her to sod off-or STFU as a pp said 😀 Funny how she wants him to "grow up" for her convenience, i.e so she can buy 3 Christmas presents the same, or so she can drag you round furniture shopping with her-not much fun for any 7 year old I would have thought. My 8 year old was still very into Paw Patrol and Blaze when he was 7 and still loves a bedtime story-to me that's a very precious nightly ritual which I would like to maintain as long as possible. They will "grow up" in their own time 😒

I wouldn't worry too much. You sound as though you are on the right track. At only just 7 he will be happy to have a go at doing some of these things for himself. I used to be in the bathroom with dd at that age, playing games as well as making sure she soaped herself in all the right places. I washed her hair though - it's very thick. And we still have stories now - age 12.

Your sister is not my kind of parent and you are not hers. Fine, you'll come across lots of that - horses for courses and all that. That is no reason to be rude though and I'd pull her up on it and distance if it didn't change. no fucking way I'd let anyone make snide remarks to my kid (or to me for that matter). It is none of her business.

Opinions are like assholes....

I have a 4 month old daughter and my DP moans about her sleeping on my lap -those poems made me cry!

Anyway, I know somebody who treated her son in the same way as you OP. He's now in secondary school and he still sleeps in her bed. As hard as it is (I know, I will likely have only one), you need to let him grow up and encourage new skills.

Re: TV programmes, I was still enjoying teen shows when I was 20 so I wouldn't be concerned with those. His tastes will change.

Balloonslayer

Now I've got stuff in my eye. . . .

HR

Oh bollox . . . ( weeps uncontrollbly )

I would ignore her. She sounds silly and she isn't a parent even if she thinks she is. Children should be allowed to enjoy whatever it is that they enjoy watching, reading and playing with as long as it isn't causing them harm which obviously Paw Patrol, etc isn't.

Picking up on the bottom on of your post, I would say 7 yrs old is a good age to start getting a child to dry themselves, cut their own food (in fact 7 is late for this) and other things along those lines. You aren't doing him any favours doing these things and they are important for him to learn. But reading a bedtime story is a great thing and should be continued as long as possible.

Ignore your silly SIL and concentrate on enjoying your DS and perhaps encourage more independence in his life skills.