AIBU to be upset with Dsis' comments about DS being "young" for his age?

[LookingforRainbows]

Ds is 7. Not so long ago turned 7. His favourite show at the moment is Paw Patrol. He also likes Go Diego Go, Blaze and the Monster Machines, sometimes Octonauts and Hey Duggee.

Anyway, conversation last night, Dsis and I talking about Christmas, she asks about what to get DS. I told her that he loves anything paw patrol at the moment, as all the things he has been asking for are paw patrol. I also suggest a few other things he is into, such as play mobile, play dough, Lego, arts and crafts.
Dsis then pulls a face and tells me that she doesn't want to buy him anything babyish, and goes on that I always get him babyish things I am not giving him a chance to grow up and like other things which are more suited to his age.

Dsis does not have her own Children but her partner has a Ds a couple of months younger than Ds, I'll call him Bill, and then another ds a couple of years younger, who is 5, I'll call him Ben. Both these boys have different interests to DS, and like mine craft, Star Wars, games consoles, which are fine for them, but my DS just hasn't shown any interest in those things. He always gets bored on a games console after a few minutes, where as Bill and Ben can play for hours.
Dsis then goes on about Bill and Ben and how she wanted to all get them the same present but she can't because ds is still into baby things, and no wonder Bill and Ben find it hard to play nicely with Ds, because he is too babyish for them, and even Ben who is 5 doesn't even like paw patrol, so Ds must be the only child in his class who likes paw patrol, and I need to get him to stop liking paw patrol because his friends at school will laugh and tease him, and basically how I am a failure as a parent, and it's my fault because he still watches nick jr, and I am not encouraging him to grow up etc etc etc.....

My gripe is that this is not the first time she has been like this with Ds. She is constantly making comments like, "oh can't he get himself a drink yet?" Oh he can read now, so why not let him read to himself in bed, Bill and Ben don't have bedtime stories anymore", or when she invited me to go furniture shopping, and I declined because DS's dad had pre-arranged plans, and I didn't think he would be able to manage being dragged around furniture shops all day, she got really stroppy with me, (oh for God's sake Rainbows, he'll just have to learn to manage, he's not a baby).
She has now even started to say snide comments to DS, telling him he is too big for his comfort toy (even though he very rarely takes it out of the house these days), and telling him he's too big to sit on mummy lap.

She hasn't always been this way - only since she's been with her DP, and has been a kind of step-parent to his sons, and since then its just been comparisons between them all the time.

I guess to be honest, I know that she is right, and that Ds probably is "young" for his age, but thing is, I actually quite like that, and I don't want him to grow up too fast. DS is mine and his Dad's only child (and probably will stay that way) and yes I will be the first to admit we do still baby him, I know that I still do a number of things that I know he could probably do himself, such as washing and drying him, cutting up his food (he dresses himself as he has needed to learn this for school), tucking him into bed etc.
I am just really getting frustrated and upset now with the constant comments of dsis that he is babyish, it's my fault and I need to grow him up or else he is going to get teased.
Sorry it's been long. Just needed a rant.
AIBU? Or is my sister right?

Ginger
There was a thread not too long ago on MN with people saying they still tucked their older children into bed sometimes.

Reading this made me smile at a long ago memory. When my (then) late teen son used to come in from a night out, I used to still be awake and would give him half an hour to fall asleep before nipping in to make sure that he hadn't left anything stupid lying about because he was drunk (e.g., open bottle of beer where he could kick it over etc).

After the quick check, I would almost try to quietly shut the door and sneak to bed.

I stopped when one night, as I was closing his door said. "I'm 19 and 3/4 mother. I think we can accept that the likelihood of cot death is pretty remote,"

*I'm not sure what the "almost" was meant to be

To me, there is a vast difference between an affectionate gesture like tucking someone up in bed or reading them a story otoh, and deliberately withholding skills they might enjoy because you don't them to be independent otoh.

Could you ask a close friend for an honest opinion? Maybe she has a point, but equally it's possible that she's very wrong.

Has his teacher said anything?

I have a 8 year old DD and a 6 year old DD. Both of the mainly watch things like paw patrol and strawberry shortcake, I read a chapter or two of a book most nights before they go to sleep (at the moment it is Malory Towers) and if I don't kiss them goodnight they both cry. I think they are both quite young for their age but I don't see that as a problem as it is their choice and if they ever decided they didn't want these things it would be fine.

I find that with regards to what they do themselves happens quite naturally. One minutes I am doing it for them and the next they are doing it themselves without me really thinking about it. They now both wash their own hair and dry themselves after a bath and I only cut up DD3's food if she asks me to. If you relax and don't try to keep him young or rush him to grow up it will progress at a natural pace.

It is different for me though I guess as I have 3 DDs and do not want to prolong phase as long as possible. I love them now and don't want to rush it but I have thoughts of how things will be as they grow and I don't want to put that off, if you know what I mean.

You're not letting your own person in their own time if you do everything for them, babying them is just as much not letting them be themselves.

Independence is independence, it's not just independence of certain things.

I would tell her to fuck off to be honest.

What everyone else said, really, OP. Your sister doesn't sound like the most appealing person to be around, but setting that aside, and the fact that she thinks she knows more about child-rearing than you, I would separate out the personal care skills stuff from your DS's interests and favourite toys. The toys and cartoons stuff are entirely up to him, and there's no race to the finish as regards 'adulthood' in him starting to like computer games, but your job as a parent is to help him towards independence in age-appropriate ways, so I would ignore jibes about Paw Patrol and focus on equipping DS with independence in personal skills.

Though Ryder from Pat Patrol makes me want to scream, and the only bearable character is Chicoletta, anyway...

I think it's not so much about paw patrol etc than the keeping him at baby stage by washing/drying and cutting food up. She possibly focused on his interests as a way in to the not easy conversation but then lost where she was going with it.

But definitely do continue with the reading in bed, that's a lovely thing to do.

Does your ds have a problem?

CAN he make himself a drink, cut his own food, get himself a sandwich, etc?
CAN he wash himself, his hair, dry himself and get dressed?

If he truly cant, you need to address this. If he can, and you prefer to do it for him, you really need to address this too. You are preventing your child from growing up and learning skills. How will he behave in school, on play dates, on school trips, if he cant do basic things for himself?

When my son was 5 he was proudly getting his own breakfast, insisting to wash his own hair, and handling his own washing and showering. He is now a very independent and capable 11 year old.

Admittedly, I help him cut up pork chops for him, but thats about it!

Hi all, thank you for all the replies, and your honesty. I guess you have all confirmed deep down what I was feeling and what I was scared of admitting. I know that ds could be ore independent that I let him be. I know that me and his dad have gone wrong here and kept him from being independent as he probably should be at 7. I suppose I am just scared of him growing older because I won't be having another And I just wanted to keep him my baby, for, as PP have said, selfish reasons. I understand that's my own issue I need to address. I'll have a chat with his Dad and see if we can start getting him doing some more things for himself. I might start with washing and drying and brushing teeth. But as for the paw patrol and things he likes, I honestly don't see any reason to stop him from these.

I guess it just has been hitting a nerve when my sister goes on and compares DS to her partners Dss, and I'm feeling defensive, so maybe IABU.
Thanks anyway.

You do make him sound a bit of a wet lettuce, no offence.

Washing and drying him? Cutting up his food? Not being able to manage a shopping trip? Don't create a monster OP.

I once had ds's friend over for tea around that age and made spaghetti bolognese. I served it spaghetti with bolognese on top. The friend looked horrified and stammered "but I don't have it like that! I have it mixed up!". 😳 My DS said "well, mix it up then ... " to which the kid got upset and said "I don't know how to".

Ridiculous.

he dresses himself as he has needed to learn this for school)

Sorry, x-post with OP

You just said yourself he is young for his age and that you like it and are babying him cutting up his food, getting him washed and dried etc

So how can you moan that she has noticed that?

His tastes for his age are young. That's not an issue. You babying him and holding him back from doing age appropriate things (like cutting up his own food ) just because you are only having one child,isn't acceptable.

Belles why would any grown adult agree with the Sister being unkind to the DS? Isn't it obvious?

She has now even started to say snide comments to DS

I avoid my SIL and her husband because they are very competitive. Different children do things at different ages, and it's absolutely fine. MIL made a very rude comment about DD still being in nappies while SIL's son is already in pants. She's two, he's three. What does it matter? I still often cuddle DS to sleep and he's 8. He's so busy all the time, it's nice to have a bit of quiet time with him where we can chat and it's a rare chance that he will actually talk to me about what's going on with him.

Just ignore your sister/SIL's comments. She's being rude.

Well done OP for taking the advice here - it is well meant from most and not an attack. . As others have said Paw Patrol is not an issue and I'm glad you are going to address the independence issues.
I do school lunch duty once a week and will help cut up some of the school dinners, open packed lunch packets, etc. with reception children and year 1s at the start of the year. If a Y2 child needs help with anything other than really trick foods and they don't have an additional need I do ask the teachers to have a quiet word with parents. If they are physically capable they should manage most of their food prep once they are in Y2.

At school swimming I have seen some children strip off after the swim and just stand there with their arms out waiting to be dried (not sure who they think is going to do it when I have 30 children to supervise but it is habit from them). Again we have a quiet word with the parents about the development of self-care skills.
By addressing some of these issues now it will make it far easier for your son at school and make getting ready quicker for you.

I stopped when one night, as I was closing his door said. "I'm 19 and 3/4 mother. I think we can accept that the likelihood of cot death is pretty remote,"

Ah, but you notice that, like many youngsters, he couldn't resist adding that "3/4" to his age.

Personal care stuff, I'd say he needs to be doing if he can. Assuming no SN, I also think he can go along to pick furniture. Your Dsis is BU to pick on his interests - seems like a clumsy way of saying she's worried he won't fit in, and expressing her discomfort with some of the other things you do for him. Tell her that comparing him to similar age children to his face is unacceptable! That is the absolute worst.

My mother washed my hair on and off until I was in my early 20s because of the style (and SN), and did similar maintenance on my brother's as his was long and curly. She didn't bathe us, though! We never really had issues with having help when necessary and being otherwise independent, apart from not being allowed to cook, watch "older" popular TV shows or go out with friends - which was rather damaging.

I also remember having bedtime stories up until Year 6, by which point I could read through the night myself if no one stopped me. As an English student I would say it's important even if your child reads really well. Pronunciation skills drop off around Y7 because of not hearing words aloud, and if they won't let you read, I recommend audiobooks to read along to at above their reading level, and/or to help get older children off to sleep with just audio and no screens.

You obviously love your son, and I can understand you're struggling with him not being your "baby" any more. What your Dsis said was unreasonable, but I understand her concerns. Best wishes.

His tastes are very young, I'd be worried about him being left behind socially at school.

For his teacher and mid day staff, he must be a nightmare if he can't do anything himself bar get dressed after PE.

You should be grateful your sister was brave enough to say something, he won't thank you in years to come if you don't let him grow up.

Let him keep his interests! There is nothing wrong with them!

My 11 year old is interested in bears and animals, reads animal stories and, and loves films where animals are the main characters. He wears a teddy bear costume at home, and loves hugs and kisses and will sit on my lap from time to time.

But, he is at the same time a very independent and mature boy who can handle himself very well.

I think yab a bit u. Sounds like she's been tactless but your post does sound like you're having a bit of a dig at their parenting of Bill and Ben. Maybe you're as bad as each other?