AIBU to be upset with Dsis' comments about DS being "young" for his age?

[LookingforRainbows]

Ds is 7. Not so long ago turned 7. His favourite show at the moment is Paw Patrol. He also likes Go Diego Go, Blaze and the Monster Machines, sometimes Octonauts and Hey Duggee.

Anyway, conversation last night, Dsis and I talking about Christmas, she asks about what to get DS. I told her that he loves anything paw patrol at the moment, as all the things he has been asking for are paw patrol. I also suggest a few other things he is into, such as play mobile, play dough, Lego, arts and crafts.
Dsis then pulls a face and tells me that she doesn't want to buy him anything babyish, and goes on that I always get him babyish things I am not giving him a chance to grow up and like other things which are more suited to his age.

Dsis does not have her own Children but her partner has a Ds a couple of months younger than Ds, I'll call him Bill, and then another ds a couple of years younger, who is 5, I'll call him Ben. Both these boys have different interests to DS, and like mine craft, Star Wars, games consoles, which are fine for them, but my DS just hasn't shown any interest in those things. He always gets bored on a games console after a few minutes, where as Bill and Ben can play for hours.
Dsis then goes on about Bill and Ben and how she wanted to all get them the same present but she can't because ds is still into baby things, and no wonder Bill and Ben find it hard to play nicely with Ds, because he is too babyish for them, and even Ben who is 5 doesn't even like paw patrol, so Ds must be the only child in his class who likes paw patrol, and I need to get him to stop liking paw patrol because his friends at school will laugh and tease him, and basically how I am a failure as a parent, and it's my fault because he still watches nick jr, and I am not encouraging him to grow up etc etc etc.....

My gripe is that this is not the first time she has been like this with Ds. She is constantly making comments like, "oh can't he get himself a drink yet?" Oh he can read now, so why not let him read to himself in bed, Bill and Ben don't have bedtime stories anymore", or when she invited me to go furniture shopping, and I declined because DS's dad had pre-arranged plans, and I didn't think he would be able to manage being dragged around furniture shops all day, she got really stroppy with me, (oh for God's sake Rainbows, he'll just have to learn to manage, he's not a baby).
She has now even started to say snide comments to DS, telling him he is too big for his comfort toy (even though he very rarely takes it out of the house these days), and telling him he's too big to sit on mummy lap.

She hasn't always been this way - only since she's been with her DP, and has been a kind of step-parent to his sons, and since then its just been comparisons between them all the time.

I guess to be honest, I know that she is right, and that Ds probably is "young" for his age, but thing is, I actually quite like that, and I don't want him to grow up too fast. DS is mine and his Dad's only child (and probably will stay that way) and yes I will be the first to admit we do still baby him, I know that I still do a number of things that I know he could probably do himself, such as washing and drying him, cutting up his food (he dresses himself as he has needed to learn this for school), tucking him into bed etc.
I am just really getting frustrated and upset now with the constant comments of dsis that he is babyish, it's my fault and I need to grow him up or else he is going to get teased.
Sorry it's been long. Just needed a rant.
AIBU? Or is my sister right?

Sorry - DSis not SIL.

Well she's unreasonable to consider herself a fountain of knowledge on child development just because she is now a stepmother. However you are doing your child absolutely no favours by washing him, cutting up his foot etc. Wouldn't he find it embarrassing if he were to have tea at a friends house and have to ask their parents to do it for him? My DD is 3 1/2 and cuts her own food, washes herself (with supervision) and can almost completely dress herself but struggles with the buttons at present.

Nothing wrong with your child sitting on your lap however.

Hi all, OP again here, thanks again forbthe responses.
In answer to a few posters questions: (sorry can't finback and list all the questions so I'll try and summarise)

Ds is in year 3 (summer born) he doesn't have any special needs, he is doing well in school and teacher hasn't mentioned anything other than him being one of the slower ones to get dressed/undressed for PE, because he is a chatterbox but he is slow to dress at home too, unless I help him to speed things up a bit, but if I don't help him he is able to dress himself properly, just takes forever. No one at school has mentioned anything to me about lunch time. DS says that he puts his hands up and the dinner lady comes to help him.
He doesn't use a knife well yet, hence the cutting up, and when I give him a knife he just ends up not using it and uses his fingers to help things get into the fork .
He can wash his bits in the bath or shower, but normally just end up soaping him up and down and washing his hair, but give him a sponge and he would know what to do, but just messes around when he is left to it. I dry him, party because it's quicker, and he will not do it properly if I leave him to do it, and will end up putting in his pyjamas over wet skin. He's never been swimming without me or his Dad yet. Brushing teeth is difficult as he will just suck the tooth brush and mess around or brush for a few seconds only if I left him to do it alone. A lot of he time he will whinge for me or his Dad to things for him, and he doesn't like attempting things that he feels he can't do - this is the problem we are having with the knife - he doesn't want to try because he already knows he can't do it.
He goes down in his own bed, after story and cuddles, but he will come into my bed if he wakes before me in the morning.

Socially he does have a few friends and seems popular (he always gets invites to parties) and when they have come over to play, I haven't seen much difference between DS and them.

Don't tend to take him shopping, as he just gets bored and will start being silly or winging to go home, so honestly furniture shopping would have been a nightmare, and my Dsis, who doesn't have much paitence with him would have just ended up having a go at him, had we gone.

As for making food and drinks, he likes to spread butter and jam on toast and bread etc, but doesn't do it properly yet so I have to go over it. I don't let him pour squash or juice yet because he spills it or overflows the cup, but he can catch water under the tap, at least if that spills, it goes into the sink, not the table. He loves stirring and mixing things when we are cooking.

Honestly, I had no idea that it was normal for 7year to be able to make themselves a drink or sandwich, I mean the bathroom stuff I can understand that we have been doing too much for him, but it never came into my mind he needed to be making food and drinks. I feel like I have just totally let him down.

My sis and I used to have a really good close relationship, but this has really been driving a wedge between us, I admit I have been bitter because Bill and Ben aren't her children and It's so upsetting her comparing her nephew in a negative way to these boys who she has known for just over a year. It's painful to realize she has been right. I don't have anyone else in real life, aside from our parents, but they aren't much help because they are the kind of parents who will agree with you whatever, like they would agree with me, if I went to them and say, "oh no Rainbows, sis is being totally unfair, of course DS is fine", but then they would say to my sister "oh no, you are right, he is very babyish and Rainbows is totally spoiling him", so they are really not any help. I don't have many friends, and friends don't have children.

I've got myself all anxious now worrying that we have made DS behind. Please can anyone give me some tips on how I can help him to start cutting his own food or doing his own personal care, baring in mind he often doesn't want to do things himself? I don't want to ask my DSis, but don't know what to do. All of his other milestones, he just seemed to get on his own in time, and I had just assumed that it would be the same with these.

I fund it very sad that Bill and Ben don't get a bedtime story any more. People are never too old to he read to! A colleague of mine still read to her GCSE age children, and they are the nicest, most intelligent, most capable kids I knew.

DD is 3 and can brush her own teeth on her own. She has an electric toothbrush and knows she has to do it till it makes the noise.

Top tip for when he complains about not being able to do something: add the word 'yet'.

e.g. "I can't USE a knife!"... "yet"

And just keep stressing the point that you have to be bad at things before you are good at them. Praise him for giving it his best shot, rather than praising him for completing something perfectly. Like, if he messes up big time with the knife "Well, at least you gave it a try..." and then you show him how it is done. Do you narrate the activity when you do it for him like "and now I am rubbing the knife back and forward and pushing down gently" to break it down for him about how to do it?

As for him messing stuff up, like getting into pjs wet or not covering all the bread with jam... that's how he'll learn to do it right next time, right?

I read a book about French parenting (Bringing up Bebe) and apparently every weekend, French parents get their kids to bake. There's a recipe that uses yoghurt pots as measuring cups and they just let them get on with it, mess be damned. If he likes stirring stuff while cooking, maybe he could get on with something like that?

he doesn't want to try because he already knows he can't do it

Or he knows that you are going to do it for him. I'd be offering rewards for doing things properly

Don't feel bad, Rainbows, you sound like a lovely mother and I'm sure you are setting your DS up to feel totally secure, which is a lovely thing.

Why not make a list and tackle a few things at a time?

eg

Cutting food up. Give him a knife. Encourage him to use it, at first sit next to him and describe what to do, how to pin food down with a fork first and then use a sawing motion to cut the food up. Give him things that are easy to cut, like fish fingers or vegetable fingers.

Washing - again, be with him and describe what to do without actually doing it for him. Point out the bits that he gets right, like pouring out the right amount of shampoo in his hand.

Drying - again, give him a formula to dry himself. Maybe tell him to start with shins and work up, each leg, then arms etc, so there's a process that he can remember. After a week or two of "coaching" there's no reason why he won't be able to do it really effectively.

Games etc - Of course he can watch Paw Patrol etc. But maybe find out what his friends at school are in to as well, and then buy DVDs or record/watch programmes so he has at least seen them even if he isn't interested beyond. Same for things like Pokemon cards, they aren't too expensive but if they are all the rage in the playground then he might enjoy being a part of that after a while. If they aren't already all the rage, he could start the trend!

My 7yo is aware of quite a lot of popular culture/games for his age, but he also loves creating and drawing and collecting, more "old fashioned" hobbies alongside the "currently cool" stuff. It's possible to have a foot in both camps. He is hardly on the games console (like twice a month) because I don't want him to become too attached to it, so I keep it out of sight and he can't set it up himself with all the wires so he needs our permission to use it, but I do want him to know what they are, what you do etc so he can "keep up" with friends. Same for IPad use. We keep it away so we can control when he goes on it.

Keep being the lovely Mum that you are though, just need to add a bit more current stuff into the mix!

user it's really great that your 3yo can use her electric toothbrush however our dentist said that you don't know if they have done inside the teeth as well as the outside, and the flat bits, or just the same patch over and again. He recommended adults brushing children's teeth until 5/6 first, when you do a basic all-over job, and then let them do it themselves (so you know all the bases have been covered).

PS my 7yo makes his own squash (there is not much spillage) and gets basic foods for himself e.g. cereal and milk, grapes and cheese from the fridge etc, pouring milk himself etc, but he hasn't made a sandwich yet!

My youngest dd is 8. She is deemed young for her years. It doesn't help that she looks 11. She likes playing with her bears ( with me often). She likes making stuff up. She loves clapping games at school. She likes basic computer games and loves horrible histories. She is my third and frankly I would give short shrift to any one who thinks I should put her any earlier into the hell that being a 11 to 14 year old girl is.

toto Year 1 is 5-6 though, which is probably an age when a lot of children would enjoy PP as a "main" programme.

OP's DS is 7 and unless he's just turned 7 since September, he could be in Year 3. (7-8yo) which is an age at which Paw Patrol and similar has usually given way to older programmes (not that PP can't still be enjoyed at that age, but usually alongside older stuff rather than it being the main focus). Agree he does sound absolutely lovely though, as does OP!

This is really quite sad. You are setting him up to have no confidence in his abilities - you don't alkow him up perfect basic skills because he does it wrong? So bloody what! If he makes a mess, discuss ways he could do things differently next time. If he spreads his jam unevenly what's the worst that can happen?! You are feeding his anxieties over not being able to do things (such as use a knife) by drawing attention to the mistakes rather than focusing on the successes. Your latest update just left me feeling a bit sad for your DS.

My 3.5 yo will help himself to milk or a snack from the fridge or cupboard (yoghurt, tomatoes etc - things that don't need cutting) and can make a sandwich from pre-sliced stuff. He's not allowed to use the sharp knives obviously but can set the table, help with the dishwasher and the laundry, tidy his stuff, use blunt scissors...

He can put his pants and trousers on but not other stuff but can help with his vest and top. We've not got him washing himself at bath time but he gets his toothbrush ready, washes his hands and face etc. We do his teeth.

Nothing wrong with having young interests (who doesn't love Octonauts - it's great) but his personal independence and self care skills might need a bit of encouraging.

i think teaching him to use a knife, make a drink or a sandwich, wash himself etc would be good.
my 4yo can do all the above. he prefers not to use a knife but he can. when he was learning to make a drink there were many spills but you say 'never mind' and wipe it up. i say 'of course u can do X, you only need to practice'
ds is 4 and still wants me to feed him, which i occasionally indulge, but i'm confident he has the skills.
when teaching him to dress we would race. so i'd lay out his clothes and then i'd run round making a massive todo of me getting dressed and he'd dress super fast to be the winner! he's a faffer by nature but we encourage independence in day to day tasks.

what ur kid watches on tv is none of her business tho. ds1 loves star wars... in principle, he's never actually seen it! he's seen lego star wars and knows all the characters, and has a bb8 drone, but he hasn't actually watched the films!

My DS now 18 struggled to cut meat till he was 11-12 - I did wonder if this was because he is left-handed & using his cutlery the "right" way round, so the fork was doing more of the action.

What helped a lot was a sharper knife - a proper steak knife

He'll always be your baby BTW - that will never change

Agree with Winter that part of the trick is accepting that nobody is going to do it perfectly the first time. So learn to differentiate between tasks where getting it wrong matter (e.g. using an electric drill) and where they really don't matter at all (spreading jam on your own slice of bread). Encourage him to do the latter and make it clear to him that it is ok not to do things perfectly.

It is probably a good idea to take him out occasionally to things that he might find boring, so you can both practise techniques to overcome his tendency to become silly when it's not immediately about him. Start small: maybe take him round the supermarket and let him help fill the basket. Being helpful is good for children's self-esteem.

If he loves stirring and mixing, that is an excellent start. Why not let him go a little further and learn to work out a whole recipe? Making a cake is not that difficult and with proper supervision there is no reason he shouldn't be able to do it perfectly well.

OP.. you love your boy and he's fine pls don't let your sister's amazing insight away you.. She's been party to someone else's children for an incredible 12 months... maybe not even full time.

Very easy to be incredibly wise a couple of days every other week. Sounds like her two step sons are left to get on with it too much, poor little things.

Your DS is happy. My 15 year old DD still can't hold a knife properly without constant reminder because she would prefer a phone in her other hand.

You are a loving, kind parent. Tell your sister to fuck off.

Sounds to me like a typical little boy who likes someone to do things for him, but doesn't me he's incapable - feel bad that you feel you have to explain yourself to people on here - you enjoy your child, tell your sis to naff off and stop worrying - you've not let him down at all - you love him and you're helping him - that's what it's all about

I think there is a phenomenon among people who aren't parents already who become step-parent figures. They find themselves on the fringes of membership of the parent club (even if they didn't want to!)and want to secure their membership by showing what expert parents they are. All the people I know who fell into this position went through an 'expert parent' phase. Also they are making sense of how much the SC resembles their lovely OH, and which traits they inherited from the less lovely other parent. Most of them got over it fairly quickly. Nod, smile, don't fall out over it.
If you are actually worried consider a parenting course, or, just be conscious that you want to improve your son's independence, and look for ways to do this. Aside from the skills thing, there is no benefit to forcing him to grow up too quickly. I don't know many 7 year olds, but at least one who likes Paw Patrol!
Please you and dh read to him as long as you all want. It won't deskill him.

Ask say do is a parenting course technique for teaching new skills. Anything they've seen you do (eg wash their hair) you ask them what the next stage is, if they tell you, praise them, if they don't know, tell them. Then get them to do it, with support initially if needed, reducing until they do it completely independently.

Well I still read a chapter to my 12yo at bedtime, its lovely, don't stop doing that. Its a great time for them to tell you things they might not otherwise bring up as well.
Just ignore the twat

OP My son was the same age as yours when my daughter was born. The first week we were at home, he did a load of washing and put it in the line. It was all hung out squiffy and was a bugger to iron once dry! And he made me a cheese sandwich (odd shaped chunks of cheese and a sandwich that was torn in places rather than cut). Can you imagine how proud he was to have hung out the washing and made me my lunch?

My son has dyspraxia so nothing he did physically was as you'd hope it to be for a very long time (still isn't always!) But can you imagine how much it would have dented his confidence if I'd always done these things for him because he couldn't do it as well as me at 7 and with an additional need?

You say he can't do these things well/properly yet, he'll never be able to if you don't let him try/practice.

Also OP, just to put it into perspective for you, my daughter hasbeen baking cakes without any assistance at all since she was 8.

I lit the oven and took the cakes out, but she did the rest totally on her own.

It's amazing what we can do when we are given the space to try