AIBU to be upset with Dsis' comments about DS being "young" for his age?

[LookingforRainbows]

Ds is 7. Not so long ago turned 7. His favourite show at the moment is Paw Patrol. He also likes Go Diego Go, Blaze and the Monster Machines, sometimes Octonauts and Hey Duggee.

Anyway, conversation last night, Dsis and I talking about Christmas, she asks about what to get DS. I told her that he loves anything paw patrol at the moment, as all the things he has been asking for are paw patrol. I also suggest a few other things he is into, such as play mobile, play dough, Lego, arts and crafts.
Dsis then pulls a face and tells me that she doesn't want to buy him anything babyish, and goes on that I always get him babyish things I am not giving him a chance to grow up and like other things which are more suited to his age.

Dsis does not have her own Children but her partner has a Ds a couple of months younger than Ds, I'll call him Bill, and then another ds a couple of years younger, who is 5, I'll call him Ben. Both these boys have different interests to DS, and like mine craft, Star Wars, games consoles, which are fine for them, but my DS just hasn't shown any interest in those things. He always gets bored on a games console after a few minutes, where as Bill and Ben can play for hours.
Dsis then goes on about Bill and Ben and how she wanted to all get them the same present but she can't because ds is still into baby things, and no wonder Bill and Ben find it hard to play nicely with Ds, because he is too babyish for them, and even Ben who is 5 doesn't even like paw patrol, so Ds must be the only child in his class who likes paw patrol, and I need to get him to stop liking paw patrol because his friends at school will laugh and tease him, and basically how I am a failure as a parent, and it's my fault because he still watches nick jr, and I am not encouraging him to grow up etc etc etc.....

My gripe is that this is not the first time she has been like this with Ds. She is constantly making comments like, "oh can't he get himself a drink yet?" Oh he can read now, so why not let him read to himself in bed, Bill and Ben don't have bedtime stories anymore", or when she invited me to go furniture shopping, and I declined because DS's dad had pre-arranged plans, and I didn't think he would be able to manage being dragged around furniture shops all day, she got really stroppy with me, (oh for God's sake Rainbows, he'll just have to learn to manage, he's not a baby).
She has now even started to say snide comments to DS, telling him he is too big for his comfort toy (even though he very rarely takes it out of the house these days), and telling him he's too big to sit on mummy lap.

She hasn't always been this way - only since she's been with her DP, and has been a kind of step-parent to his sons, and since then its just been comparisons between them all the time.

I guess to be honest, I know that she is right, and that Ds probably is "young" for his age, but thing is, I actually quite like that, and I don't want him to grow up too fast. DS is mine and his Dad's only child (and probably will stay that way) and yes I will be the first to admit we do still baby him, I know that I still do a number of things that I know he could probably do himself, such as washing and drying him, cutting up his food (he dresses himself as he has needed to learn this for school), tucking him into bed etc.
I am just really getting frustrated and upset now with the constant comments of dsis that he is babyish, it's my fault and I need to grow him up or else he is going to get teased.
Sorry it's been long. Just needed a rant.
AIBU? Or is my sister right?

If I was being completely honest, I would say that none of those things are a "problem" on their own - but combined, and with your own admission that "to be honest, I know that she is right, and that Ds probably is "young" for his age, but thing is, I actually quite like that, and I don't want him to grow up too fast. DS is mine and his Dad's only child (and probably will stay that way) and yes I will be the first to admit we do still baby him" then in effect you are agreeing with her? Nothing wrong with tucking him in and bedtime stories though!

I have a 7 year old boy and he might still cast an eye over Paw Patrol (certainly doesn't sneer at it) but he also does at least know and understand most things that 7 year olds are into eg. Star Wars, Pokemon cards, Skylanders, Lego Nexo Knights, Lego Chima, Lego Ninjago etc. (Lego still madly popular but slightly waning in favour of Pokemon cards!) Just to name but a few of the popular things he also likes, as do pretty much all of his friends. Spiderman hit a peak around 5-6 and now considered old-hat . It isn't that your DS has to love them but that sort of thing is pretty much all boys talk about at school and it's a big part of how they build friendships - fitting in/keeping up with their peers.

He can cut his own food.

However, why would anybody want their child to like consoles?
Weird...

Tucking him in is fine. So is reading to him. Treasure this time:)

Flapstie - that's really sad.

OP does your son have many friends? He sounds very mollycoddled.

Also, think anyone, parent or not, who tells a child of any age that they shouldn't like what they like because its babyish or too young for them, is basically a bullying piece of shit. Same applies to adults doing it to adults actually.

It's none of your sister's business and she has no right to comment.

But you are treating your son like a toddler for your benefit not his, which isn't doing your son any long term favours.

My son was young for his age and I did most of what the OP did until he left junior school. He's now in year 8 and I think he is too old for his age. Reckon he thinks he's 18 not 13 and knows everything, I have to put him right!! You just can't win. He'll grow up soon enough.

Chipped I don't mean to be at all rude and/or goady, but... you have given exactly the same strong opinion as OP's DSis but in a nutshell. If you agree with the DSis, and share the same opinion, and have given the same opinion to the OP... why do you feel so strongly that the DSis is in the wrong? Maybe she's saying what she says for her nephew's benefit, even if it is none of her business.

I'd tell her "What's the point of you asking what to buy him for Christmas if you're not actually going to make use of the information I provide? Pick whatever you want to give him, and he'll either like it or he won't."

My 7yo has a very mixed list of likes and dislikes - things that are younger, older, what some might consider girly, what some might consider boyish. I will choose Christmas presents based on what he will enjoy (and has asked for) - my ex will likely pick strictly boyish stuff, as he freaks out if ds so much as looks at "girly stuff" (but that's a whole different kettle of fish!) Meh. All children are different. If she struggles with that concept, that's her issue, not yours.

I think the toys is possibly a side issue here: of course children of different ages can enjoy the same toys.

I suspect that what is really happening is that your sister is worrying about some aspects of your parenting that really are not doing him any favours and is seizing the opportunity to do some rather-less-than-gentle hinting.

The truth is that a 7yo who can't do basic self care is going to miss out. Miss out on the enjoyment of seeing what he can achieve, on the sense that he is keeping up with his peers, on the preparation for the greater level of independence that he is going to need in a few years' time.

Giving him the opportunity and pride in doing things for himself isn't about taking his childhood away. Constantly learning to do new things is what childhood is: that is what makes it such a very special part of life.

Normal things for a 7yo to do and enjoy seem to me to be: washing himself and general self care, feeding himself at the table, lending a hand with preparing lunch and laying the table, helping you getting items in the shops (and perhaps discussing plans for dinner).

To this you might add: baking a cake with a little bit of supervision around the oven, handling basic DIY tools like a hammer or a paint brush, tending his own vegetable plot if you have a garden, picking fruit if you go black-berrying, helping to wash the car.

Children enjoy feeling part of things: it nurtures their self esteem. By all means carry on reading his bedtime story as long as he will let you: that is about sharing a fun thing together and enhancing his life. But not letting him cut his own food or wash his hair doesn't enhance his life; it just keeps him passive. Where is the fun in that?

Nothing wrong with him liking Paw Patrol - and PLEASE keep on reading him bedtime stories for a long time yet - my two enjoyed being read to long after they could capably read themselves, and it is a lovely bonding opportunity. Plus either your DS will fall asleep as you are reading, or you can share a little chat about the book before you give him a final tuck in and kiss, or the following day.

I would encourage him to wash himself though (just check for tide marks), and certainly to use a knife and fork effectively, because these are things that will single him out if he needs to eat a meal with classmates etc. And it will give him a huge sense of independence.

I think your DS's step-kids (for want of a better term) seem to be encouraged to do anything that doesn't involve their parents (or at least, their father) because the adults in their lives can't be arsed to share time with them.

And remember, too - your DS is not them. He is his own person. He enjoys Paw Patrol. Why shouldn't he? The other two want to play on computers all day - well, good for them. They are performing an activity which is isolating and can lead to an interest in violent games, but they aren't making any demands on the adults around them, so that's fine. (I wonder if that would have been their choice if they hadn't just been given the consoles and left to get on with it - if say, their parents had sat down and played games of imagination with them?)

Your son will grow up in his own time, and as long as you encourage him to stretch his boundaries when he is ready, he will be fine (you don't want to be cutting his food up for him when he is 37 ).

I also don't like that your sister wants to get all the boys the same Christmas gift because "it's easier". So what?

When you buy a gift, you choose something that you think will delight the recipient, not something that doesn't require effort.

I wonder how she would feel if her DP bought her and the mothers of his two sons identical gifts because "it was easier".

YANBU, your sister is being very U ( and unkind) - get your son what he wants for Christmas and let him enjoy it without any criticisms.

If your DS starts in on him, take her aside and slap her silly tell her to stop picking on him. He may grow up to be a quiet and gentle boy with an interest in animals or academic pursuits, her DSS's may grow up to join the marines and yomp all over the world. Nothing wrong with either life choice, but neither should be forced into the other's mould.

Oh, and actually, regarding this:

Oh he can read now, so why not let him read to himself in bed, Bill and Ben don't have bedtime stories anymore"

Reading to children, even if they're a bit older, is perfectly okay. It's even recommended by some professionals. It gives them access to books that they may not be able to read yet, however, they can still enjoy the story as well as improving their vocabulary. It also encourages discussion and is good as family time together.

There was a thread not too long ago on MN with people saying they still tucked their older children into bed sometimes. Is it really that big a deal? Those growing up years can be difficult for children - if a few minutes spend reading together with a parent or getting tucked in provides a feeling of comfort, safety, and/or grounding, then I fail to see how that is a bad thing.

I do think children are pushed far too quickly to grow up.

After reading all the way through it's a bit of both your Sister is being a TWAT!Big time,she may be helping look after her partners DC but she has not been a parent from the start so she needs to stop trying to Teach her Grandmother to suck eggs as the saying goes.

The things he's into are fine,lots of children your sons age are into the same things and if your Sister things leaving a child on a game console all day is good parenting she has alot to learn!

But you do need to let your DS grow a little,bedtime stories that's good parenting and letting him sit on your lap when he wants to,tucking him into bed,most parents of a 7 year old will be doing the same with they're child.
It's things like the washing and drying himself he does need to be allowed to start doing that himself.
He's getting to that age now where he could start being invited to swimming partys,play dates where the parents plan on taking them swimming at the local leisure centre,he could start doing swimming with his school soon.

You need to let him learn to cut his own food up as well,I know it's really hard when your sure that this is your last child because obviously most of us love these years and want to hold onto them for ever but I promise you,you still have lots of firsts to come yet.

Were still getting lots of firsts with our 5DC,the first day of Juniors,the first dance competition,first judo class,first trophy are youngest(DD9)won,first sleepover(that was one of our older DC)first time we let them go into town with they're friends(that was stomach turning and each one of them was 13)just like us you still have lots of firsts to come for your family and your son.

Try to let go a little and enjoy all the firsts you have to come with your DS

saoirse
Also, think anyone, parent or not, who tells a child of any age that they shouldn't like what they like because its babyish or too young for them, is basically a bullying piece of shit. Same applies to adults doing it to adults actually

^^^THIS^^^

Tell her to butt out.

You are trying to avoid, and quite rightly, the sense that one often gets these days that childhood is something inferior to be rushed through as quickly as possible.

At the same time, you really don't want to give him the idea that growing up is something bad, something that is going to make Mummy sad, something that he should feel guilty about. Because that is not going to make for a happy pre-puberty. In a few years time, he will start growing up, his body will start changing, he needs to know that, much as you enjoyed the time when he was little, you are prepared to thoroughly enjoy what is round the corner too.

So do your best to curb any tendencies in either direction.

I used to get told by SIL that DSD was immature for her age when she was around 8. She wasn't, she was actually quite a mature sensible girl. She just liked playing with dolls still, rather than acting like a teenager and being into make up and clothes and boys like SILs daughter. I ignored her, why would I listen to someone who wouldn't let her young daughter go horse riding because she'd get "fat thighs"? That's not the sort of role model I'd want for a girl.

I have a DS who seems socially younger than his peers because he has ASD. He does still need help with food even though he's 9 as he has issues with fine motor control. I do make him do most of his own cutting up though, and he now washes himself, only needs help to turn the shower on and off as it's too high.

You do need to start letting him do these things himself - at least because then you could have a lie in while he gets his own breakfast!

It's fine he still likes Paw Patrol, there are a huge range of interests when kids are that age. Mine were into Mister Maker at that age. Some of their friends were into superheroes, Lego, football etc.

Why would your sister want to get them the same present anyway? Even if he wasn't into paw patrol what's to say he'd still like the same thing as her DSSs?

Everyone parents differently and has their strengths and weaknesses. Also what those strengths and weaknesses are will vary depending on the perspective of those observing.

It doesn't sound like she's being very nice or tactful. That said you recognise that there is some truth to what she says. It's to your credit that you can step back and view your parenting style as having flaws as well as strengths.

I agree with the above about deskilling him. IMO it is important to encourage him to do things for himself. Watching children grow up anf be increasingly independent can be bittersweet.

As for what he likes and doesn't like. By all means expose him to different things but if he likes paw patrol then that's fine. He'll grow out if that in his own time. And be glad you are not having to nag him to get off screen games.

Oh tell her to butt out. Things that spark kids' interests can turn on a dime. If he still needs his food cut up at sixteen, then you have a problem! As for not wanting to play on a console for hours - that's a bad thing?

My sister shared a bed with my DN until she was nine. She was frequently informed that she was 'damaging' her daughter and babying her. My niece is now twelve and can't get enough of her own space, time with friends etc. All kids are different.

I think the paw patrol stuff is your sister trying to say in a roubabout way that it's ridiculous that at 7 you're still drying your ds and cutting up his food etc.

He clearly is very babied and whilst that suits you, it is very frustrating for other people to witness.

Yanbu, I don't really get the trend for getting younger children (under 5's) into things like Star Wars - there's your whole life for that!

Doesn't your sister understand that all children are different, and have different tastes?

He's your child and he can like whatever he wants - not her business. As regards presents, if she doesn't want to get him what he actually wants, tell her not to bother and you'll get him the present from 'her' - controlling cowbag

My reply changed completely as I read down your OP, tbh.

Initially, I thought - surely you get as a present, something the recipient would like, and there's no reason to get 3 similarly aged dc the same gift.

Then you became unreasonable, as you can't really complain about her mentioning he is young for his age, when you go on to say all the things you are doing to baby him. The Christmas present is probably nothing to do with it, she's trying to let you know that most 7 yr olds (indeed 3, 4, and 5 yr olds) are normally doing all sorts of things your ds isn't. You really are not doing him any favours treating him like a baby, at 7 yrs old.

She should keep her mouth shut but you are doing him no favours by babying him over basic things like cutting up his food and washing himself.

ignore your sister and let your son be his own person. I'd also consider telling her to back off before she makes your son feel bad about himself. I've known kids to be told they are too old for barbie at 3 years old! and have no toys by age 9 due to the parent thinking they know best. All kids are different and there is nothing wrong with that.