AIBU to be upset with Dsis' comments about DS being "young" for his age?

[LookingforRainbows]

Ds is 7. Not so long ago turned 7. His favourite show at the moment is Paw Patrol. He also likes Go Diego Go, Blaze and the Monster Machines, sometimes Octonauts and Hey Duggee.

Anyway, conversation last night, Dsis and I talking about Christmas, she asks about what to get DS. I told her that he loves anything paw patrol at the moment, as all the things he has been asking for are paw patrol. I also suggest a few other things he is into, such as play mobile, play dough, Lego, arts and crafts.
Dsis then pulls a face and tells me that she doesn't want to buy him anything babyish, and goes on that I always get him babyish things I am not giving him a chance to grow up and like other things which are more suited to his age.

Dsis does not have her own Children but her partner has a Ds a couple of months younger than Ds, I'll call him Bill, and then another ds a couple of years younger, who is 5, I'll call him Ben. Both these boys have different interests to DS, and like mine craft, Star Wars, games consoles, which are fine for them, but my DS just hasn't shown any interest in those things. He always gets bored on a games console after a few minutes, where as Bill and Ben can play for hours.
Dsis then goes on about Bill and Ben and how she wanted to all get them the same present but she can't because ds is still into baby things, and no wonder Bill and Ben find it hard to play nicely with Ds, because he is too babyish for them, and even Ben who is 5 doesn't even like paw patrol, so Ds must be the only child in his class who likes paw patrol, and I need to get him to stop liking paw patrol because his friends at school will laugh and tease him, and basically how I am a failure as a parent, and it's my fault because he still watches nick jr, and I am not encouraging him to grow up etc etc etc.....

My gripe is that this is not the first time she has been like this with Ds. She is constantly making comments like, "oh can't he get himself a drink yet?" Oh he can read now, so why not let him read to himself in bed, Bill and Ben don't have bedtime stories anymore", or when she invited me to go furniture shopping, and I declined because DS's dad had pre-arranged plans, and I didn't think he would be able to manage being dragged around furniture shops all day, she got really stroppy with me, (oh for God's sake Rainbows, he'll just have to learn to manage, he's not a baby).
She has now even started to say snide comments to DS, telling him he is too big for his comfort toy (even though he very rarely takes it out of the house these days), and telling him he's too big to sit on mummy lap.

She hasn't always been this way - only since she's been with her DP, and has been a kind of step-parent to his sons, and since then its just been comparisons between them all the time.

I guess to be honest, I know that she is right, and that Ds probably is "young" for his age, but thing is, I actually quite like that, and I don't want him to grow up too fast. DS is mine and his Dad's only child (and probably will stay that way) and yes I will be the first to admit we do still baby him, I know that I still do a number of things that I know he could probably do himself, such as washing and drying him, cutting up his food (he dresses himself as he has needed to learn this for school), tucking him into bed etc.
I am just really getting frustrated and upset now with the constant comments of dsis that he is babyish, it's my fault and I need to grow him up or else he is going to get teased.
Sorry it's been long. Just needed a rant.
AIBU? Or is my sister right?

Ah OP, please don't be anxious as a result of the thread. He sounds like a lovely child. Take no heed of your sister. Seriously.

I do quite a few of those things for DD still (nearly 7, also only child) - she can do them but we both like doing them together. And our dentist actually recommends adults brushing children teeth for as long as the child will allow you to do it, so I'm not worrying on that point. And she's absolutely fine at school.

But - your DSis is being pretty unpleasant. She seems to think that kids just being left to themselves with as little adult input as the adult can get away with is a good thing (no bedtime story for a 5yo? That's pretty shit). So as far as your DS's likes and dislikes go she can take a running jump, and you need to tell her to stuff her comments.

If you look at nature, it's the stupidest species whose offspring develop adult skills the quickest. As long as you and your son are both happy, what's the hurry?

I guess the thing is that children don't go from being completely dependent on their parents to completely independent. It's a gradual thing. My ds can wash/dry himself, brush his teeth, pour a drink, fold his clothes up etc, but I often have to supervise and offer instructions or advice. Sometimes it can be frustrating because you know you could do it better and in half the time but you need to allow them to do it.

As for reading to them at night, it's a lovely thing to do at any age. My ds is 8, I read to him every night. One thing we do though is take it in turns to read a page each...it's a good way for him to practice his reading.

How will your DS ever learn to pour drinks if you don't let him try? At 7 he should certainly be allowed to try, maybe with you giving instructions to begin with. Why not let him practice with a bottle of water and a cup in the sink till he gets the hang of it? Children sometimes need to measure out liquids as part of 'capacity' at school, so it is certainly a skill he should have.

And, (although our school longer participates in the scheme), our children from Reception to Year 6 used to have to brush their teeth after lunch,so he is quite old enough to do that by himself.

She's being a knob, might be your 'dear' sis but doesn't mean she has a right to make you feel like a failure of a mum.

In fact you're a brilliant mum for allowing your ds to grow up in his own time, kids are far too grown up these days anyway, I'm sure I wasn't playing games consoles at the age of 5!!

Just because she has gained two children through her partner doesn't make her the mothership. Let your son be who he wants to be

roslet the op's son isn't happy though, that's the point. He is already avoiding doing things because he knows he can't do it.

He at least needs to be given the opportunity to try.

One more from my camp. When my son became responsible for his own laundry, inc drying, at 14/15, he thought I was really mean.

Yet by 16, several of the lads in his year were the same and were surprised that some of the others still relied on their mums to do it.

These skills aren't developed overnight.

inc ironing not drying.

I know that me and his dad have gone wrong here

No no no! Honestly, you haven't. You are just parenting the son that you have. My DD1 has some gross motor skills issues and they don't diagnose till 6 because all children develop these skills at different rates. DD2 is very nippy and there is no way I'll be cutting her meat up at 7. But DD1 was nowhere near as good at manipulating her body at DD2's age, and it's still a work in progress.

As far as the reading to them goes - lots of parents do it. As far as the Paw Patrol goes - he likes it, so who cares? As far as the drying / cutting up goes - work on getting him to do it, of course, but please don't feel you have let him down. Checking the back of their shoulders is dry is not something they'll be going to therapy about

MN has got really judgy of late. Go easy on yourself and be careful whose words you take to heart.

Ues, absolutely, respond to your son and his own interests and rate of development.

Developing these skills is gradual and filled with trial and error. It doesn't matter how long he takes to learn them or master them, so long as you encourage and praise his efforts regardless of his 'success' at them.

Continue with reading to him. Don't worry what tv programmes he watches. Encourage life skills. That's about it really!

Poor Bill and Ben - no more bedtime stories and they're only little

Kids are under too much pressure to grow up these days. Why shouldn't your ds play with what he likes?

There are two separate issues here really.

It is variable. DD3 is the youngest of 3, but the most capable (SN in family). She's 7. She can shower herself, but will choose to play if she isn't reminded to wash herself fully and wash her hair during the shower!

She can make a sandwich/"foldie", her breakfast and she'll make a cup of tea for us now and can carry it carefully upstairs. We did a lot of pre-teaching to make it safe, though, such as 'always test the weight of kettle before you boil it to check you can lift it to pour it' and 'never make a cup of tea without clothes/pyjamas on' and 'only carry one mug unless you are absolutely certain you can carry two.' So she's been really sensible.

Just yesterday we did the 'how to remove things from a hot oven' lesson and she took her own pie out of the oven. Again, pre-teaching 'what to do if you realise it's too heavy/your fingers feel hot through your oven glove' and 'always have a surface clear to dump the item on if you have to'. So we'll be able to move on to doing her own baking soon.

But it's really easy to start with small steps and build on them. Teaching him cutting 'fork in, then knife in front of fork. Zigzags backwards and forwards until a bit comes off.' Start with something really soft like a cooked carrot, then build up up harder things.

Your sister is unreasonable re the paw patrol stuff- children all grow and develop physically and mentally at different rates. It sounds like it was said in quite a critical and unkind way, which is also unreasonable. I would ask her to keep her thoughts to herself, TBH.

However, I do think you need to think carefully about "babying" your son too much because he needs to learn to do these skills himself. If he doesn't, it'll be harder for him in the long run when he does have to do these things but can't or isn't confident in doing so (e.g. at school). At 7 he should be able to wash and dry himself, for instance, even if you supervise initially.

Developing these skills is gradual and filled with trial and error. It doesn't matter how long he takes to learn them or master them, so long as you encourage and praise his efforts regardless of his 'success' at them.

Continue with reading to him. Don't worry what tv programmes he watches. Encourage life skills. That's about it really!

All of this - give him a chance to learn (no criticism), go easy on yourself - no-one gives you a manual when you become a parent, and let him be himself - he sounds lovely! (And so do you - you're a loving mam, supporting and valuing your child all the way - and so you should be!)

" Oh he can read now, so why not let him read to himself in bed, Bill and Ben don't have bedtime stories anymore"
Pah! DD was always a voracious and early reader but we read her a bed time story until she was nearly 11. She loved it, we loved it and it was an opportunity to introduce her to all kinds of interesting bits of literature she might not otherwise have explored.

Your sister sounds like a bit of an arse.

Great post by corythatwas at about 1.30.
You certainly don't ''lose' them by supporting them to be independent. My ds is about 6'2" now, in his 3rd yr of living away from home - is confident, independent and very loving towards his Mum

I agree that your ds should be encouraged to do certain things himself, like washing, etc. BUT otherwise saying that he is young for his age is perfectly ridiculous.

All children are different.

Sounds like she needs to be told to fuck right off.

She is being a right twat. She is right but she has no right to keep on about it. Not her child, not her problem imo. That said I would be very worried about a 7 year old who couldn't get himself a drink. My niece is 6 and can easily make herself a drink and sandwich if my sister is busy with the baby and to be fair several of those shows are favourites of my DS who is 2, nearly 3. So yeah he is very young for his age but at the end of the day, she is BVU to keep on and on about it. Let him grow up at his own rate ffs. The basic skills like drink making I would sort ASAP because you are doing him no favours babying him but as for things he likes and wants to watch, if no ones comes to harm then who the hell cares. They aren't little for long and I doubt he will be watching paw patrol in his 20s. says me who sits by the serving hatch so I can see the telly and cheers on Team Rocket. I pretend to just be engaging with DS but...

There are 2 issues here, SIL unkindness which is not right and ignore her, and the practical skills for your ds.

I have 3 dc, and they are all very independent, but some of the things you mention we did for a long time.

I read to all of mine right up to the end of Primary school. It is a very important way of stretching their vocabulary, exposing them to longer and more complex texts etc.

I washed dd1s hair until year 6. In fact it took me a whole year through year 5/6 to teach her how to do it, as it is long and thick. I still plait it for her every morning, she is 11.

For practical skills, I just start to respond differently, so dd2 will ask for a drink, and I will say , yes of course, the glass is in the cupboard and the juice in the fridge!
I also look at my kitchen, are the cups and plates accessible? Is the juice carton actually liftable?
I am alwyas surprised at how many kids can't use a knife and fork. ds aged 13 would happily never use one. I realised this recently and now I expect them all to use a knife and forl at dinner time, properly. We eat at the table anyway, but I just keep reminding them - knife in right hand, fork in left please, no fingers thank you, and over time they are getting into the habit.

And one last point on screens - the advice is under 1 hour of screens per day for pre-school and max 2 hours per day for primary aged kids. So her step kids are really getting way to much if all they do is minecraft.

Don't beat yourself up OP. You and DS sound lovely and you've not screwed anything up. You just need to start on the skills thing.

How about cooking something every weekend. Meaning he chooses what to cook from a children's recipe book, you shop together and he cooks with you supervising? Good way to learn skills and give you a way to manage the chaos that will ensue (as it will) because it's time limited and not when you in a hurry. Maybe just cornflake cakes to start with and move on up from there.

Also are you a bit OCD? You seem focussed on mess and spills which are annoying but actually important as they learn. I confess also I couldn't care if my DS gets dressed while not properly dry. We don't live in a Victorian slum so he won't catch pneumonia and he'll soon learn it's uncomfortable and will do it properly next time. Also I'm too lazy to help him

I'm just wondering what's behind the anxiety. I get not wanting him to grow up (although I've certainly found each stage as wonderful and dreadful at the same time as the last stage was). But this seems to be also about some very strict rules about how things should be done. I doubt my own drying technique (sling towel round body, wander into bedroom, throw clothes on) would pass muster with you

And yes, sobbing at the poems.

My 7 yr old can make soup on his own, I stand very close but I don't help unless he asks me. He makes toast and gets cold drinks for himself. On the other hand he still often asks for my help in cutting up food, sometimes in putting his socks on. They are all different. I would say encourage him to be independent and learn some life skills but let him determine his own interests, if he loves paw patrol, good for him. I read to both of mine every night and tuck them up with lots of cuddles and I will do so until they beg me to stop.

Cutting up a 7 year old's food is ludicrous, letting him enjoy his own choices of viewing/toys/books etc. is absolutely fine (in fact the longer you can keep away from video games the better!). IMO, NOT reading to children as young as your Sister's is verging on neglectful - keep it up as long as possible, taking it in turns to read to and hear him reading. If you're keeping him too babyish, you'll soon find out by how he interacts with/is treated by his classmates - wee boys don't hold back!

My dd is 9 and will still watch cbeebies sometimes. I have always had a similar problem with my sil - she tells me my children are young for their age, not very mature or not as mature as hers. She also commented that because my babies were quite big at birth (9lbs) that I had missed out on the newborn stage because they looked like toddlers !!
I've learnt to just ignore it over the years - she rarely says it directly to me but it gets fed back via my mil !!
I wonder if it is some form of jealousy - maybe your sis is wishing those children were hers.
Don't let it bother you - let your ds mature at his own rate, he will be a long time grown up.