To be sick of the perfect modern parent brigade!?

[Toofondofcake]

If I get a flaming here oh well but I hope I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I'm sick of hearing other women/parents lecturing others on parenting techniques in a properly pretentious and judgey way. It always seems to be something like "we don't discipline, putting your child in timeout is abuse". Or "my child Star only wears gender neutral clothing as I won't impose society's gender constructs on them" or "clothes don't matters my 8 year old can wear whatever she likes".

I respect other people parent in very different ways but I can't stand seeing people preaching parenting lectures at others. I just want to scream " your DAUGHTER isn't spirited She's a bully! And letting her wear her dance leotard to the park isn't progressive and changing society, it's October and it's freezing and inappropriate".

Sorry for ranting. This is my scream into a pillow place.

Not long ago I was very earnestly told off by a MNetter for having given my DS infant ibuprofen in a particular circumstance. Apparently this was a very bad thing.

The point of my anecdote had been that we had found out that DS was allergic to ibuprofen and this is a surprisingly common allergy. And anyway this had happened 16 years ago.

But no, I had to be told off!

Another thing that gets on my nerves is an unwillingness to accept that people who have already had children just may know better than a new mum doing it for the first time.
I have seen so many times women on mn who are complaining that their mum or mil are 'interfering' when they give them advice. They are usually told on mn 'your baby, your rules', dismissing the older woman's experience as if it counts for nothing and sneering at attempts to help, based on their experience.
New babies are treated like new toys, with mum the Queen bee who no-one dares cross. There are countless examples on here about mums getting sniffy about others wanting to hold baby or god forbid, even see baby before they are a month old!
Babies are babies, they have not evolved that much over the years, but 'parenting' has changed into a massive lifestyle industry, which consumers are only too happy to embrace.
When I had my first son 23 years ago, it was mum who young mothers like me looked to for help, advice and support.
Now it's a random bunch of strangers on the internet, all pushing different agendas and projecting images of perfect family life.

Another thing that gets on my nerves is an unwillingness to accept that people who have already had children just may know better than a new mum doing it for the first time.

then offer help, not criticism. Telling an exhausted young mum that she should do this, she should do that is not helpful. Offer to come and babysit whilst she has a few hours sleep in her bed, offer to help with housework would be better. So many people are so rude and disrespectful, inviting themselves to see a new baby, forgetting it's not a toy and parents are entitled to their own space if they ask for it. It's not the job of a new mum to make cup of teas for in laws.

Understand also that young mums do not have to agree with what everybody, being older doesn't make you right all the time.

Well the grannys in Dc life advocated baby rice at 6 weeks and putting them to bed and letting them scream to fall asleep so not always the best advice comes from mothers who have done it.

But the thing I am getting at mrsjayy is no, that is not current advice, but neither is it likely to be actually harmful to a baby either.
Advice changes all the time, and to sneer at the advice which was current years ago is a but disrespectful.
Apart from obviously harmful things such as sleeping on fronts and smoking around babies, our mums can't have done such a bad job, can they?

Maui west, sorry this is another modern trend I struggle to get my head around - the complete lockdown when there is a new baby in the house.
Just get on with it. How do people think mums manage when they have to get another child to school?
New mums seem to be conditioned to expect life as she knows it to end as soon as baby arrived, that it will be amazing if she is dressed by midday, cooks or sets foot out of the house. I seriously don't know anyone who turned a new baby into the drama spoken often about on here.
Maybe parents expect a cup of tea because they find it hard to believe that having a baby could render you do useless that you are incapable of doing such a simple job?
The first few days of having a new baby are as chaotic as you make them. I would be embarrassed to be sitting in my pajamas at midday and expecting everyone to run around after me, but I know I am very much in the minority on here.

I do think a lot of Mums turn parenting into something terribly intense, earnest and meaningful to the nth degree. They sacrifice themselves, and their own needs on the Altar of Motherhood assuming it makes them a better parent.

But, I don't agree...

I think our own Mums 'just got on with it' ...whereas, for our generation of women a lot of us (en masse, for the first time) went and got ourselves and educayshun...

And from there, went and got professional jobs...then that all kinda ground to a halt when the baby came along.

But the training and educayshun were still there, so they keep up the analysis, the research, the reading, the theorising but apply it zealously to their new career in motherhood.

Thus, it becomes a tad competitive, a tad too driven, mostly definitely a tad too earnest. And everything has to have a purpose, and a meaning and quantifiable results.

Motherhood becomes something joyless and stressful and anxious...

MaQueen

I so agree with that.

Wow, cath I was kind of with you until that anti-new mum rant. Why should the person who has just had another human being exit her vagina (or worse- had cut out of her) make tea for anyone?

Babies are not dollies. Newborns are either feeding or sleeping. Have a cuddle. Just don't expect a bleeding, sleep deprived hormonal new mum to hop to it to get you a tea. How self centred!

cathf no, I'm just the same as you.

Right from when DD1 was born, I was still always up, showered and dressed by 8am at the latest. I left the house most days...kept the house pretty clean and tidy...kept on top of the laundry...

I couldn't have born sitting round in my PJs until lunchtime, with greasy hair and surrounded by mess [shudder]

I just rolled up my sleeves and got stuck in.

Then again I had successfully graduated from my Mum's home which always was clean/tidy to the standards of an Alaskan Military School, and which she ran like well oiled clockwork...

Well i was in hospital 5 days after my babies so resting bonding and lazing about in my pyjamas, women now have babies can go home after 4 hours they still have just plopped a baby out having time at home with a new baby adjusting to a little screaming person is no bad thing imo.

cos my Mum had me at home, at lunchtime.

By early evening she was up and cooked tea for my brothers, and then served tea and cake to my Grandparents.

I think women did just get on with things really quickly after a baby was born, 'back in the day.'

Crikey CathF - that new mum comment is pretty cruel. I had a really straightforward CS, healthy baby and lovely hospital stay with amazing aftercare but I fell into a complete mental 9/11 after I got home.

You really can't pass comment on the mental state of brand new mums, everyone is different but I think it's fair to say it's tough.

Maybe nowadays families are farther apart, communities are more disparate, and employers make increasing demands on the workforce; all can create a "perfect storm" for brand new mums to feel adrift.

If I may be so bold, maybe what you're saying is that increasingly new mums are "letting it all hang out" online and maybe that's seemingly intensified and - it seems in your eyes - legitimised certain behaviours?

I think the "what do I do now" mindset for brand new first time mums has always been there but the publicity of the shock may not have been such a known thing before the world of social media.

FWIW, I maintain that there's nothing a first time new mum can do to avoid the snowblindness of the first few weeks. That's why a decent HV and community support is so important veers off point of whole thread

I think your mother making dinner is awful. women obviously had no choice but to get on with it because nobody else would do it.

Lol Cosmic, maybe I did sound a bit unhinged there! It is something I feel passionate about though. Having a baby has been turned into a performance art and it reads on here so often that the new mum is determined to be star of the show.

cath my dd had tongue tie and fed for 20 hours a day. It was agony and I didn't even have a hand free to drink a cup of tea never mind make one as I couldn't master one handed feeding. I generally managed a shower at 11pm when dd finally slept for a bit. If I'd had older dc I'd have had to bottle feed her so I guess it was my choice To create 'drama' in that I wanted to bf her. Nonetheless your post has made me really angry. I would have loved to have been showered and dressed by 8!

cath performance art is a bloody good term but in my case it was the performance of being up, washed, dressed and polished, keeping in touch with work, doing housework abs saying I was fine that was the performance.

I mentally fell apart 8 weeks later, then again when she was 6 months. Because my performance was "coping fine thanks".

There is a whole generation of self absorbed, selfish and bratty young people on its way. I do agree with nurturing children to be kind and confident individuals but there appears to be alot of overly confident little people out there that have never been told no or put in their place, I see this all the time at my own dc's sports clubs where they are in tears because they don't get there own way.

I got on with things really quickly after my first, maybe I'd been reading too much mumsnet.

I bled for months and had internal scans etc and the doctors basically said I'd done too much too soon.

Who knows how many of the 'I just got on with it' mothers were still bleeding months later but too scared to tell and let that unflappable look slip.

Now I loudly advocate for new mums I know to rest as much as possible. Post partum infection is no joke. It is NOT worth the risk just so you can prove to some judgey fucker that you're not a special snowflake.

I suppose it's natural mother feels she is special, though?

I had to have an operation after 1 baby was born i was ripped to shreds but yeah get up and get on with. it im glad women can recover from childbirth I dont think they are being dramatic or precious lots happen down there and a section is a major operation telling women to get on with it is dangerous and unsopportive.

But back to the point of the thread...

I have to say I'm always amazed by how quickly people jump to stereotyping. I was out for lunch with a group of parents at pizza express - it was a big group, it was lunchtime, it was pizza express, of course I was being quite relaxed and negotiation-like in my parenting.

Then I overhear a couple of the others joking about me asking my children nicely not to run into the road and wondering if I asked the car nicely would it slow down. I was just astounded at the fact they were more willing to judge than to think maybe the way I am with my kids depends on the environment we're in?

Personally I think it's important to give kids choices. It's also important for kids to see grown ups making sensible decisions. It's about prioritising. Acting differently in different environments is also of itself an important life skill to model.

Was that to me Alexa?

I was saying when I had my first I put pressure on myself to get on with things, not to fuss or be a special snowflake (mumsnet derogatory term).

I do now agree mothers should be looked after and feel special because my experience showed to me how dangerous getting on with things can be. Far better to lie around in bed for a few weeks having people judge you than end up with excessive bleeding and the high risk for postpartum infection that brings.

I know what you mean OP!
Just last night we were at a wedding and were sitting at a table with couples who had kids. We started making conversation and mentions that our 11 month old loves pressing buttons, especially on our microwave (as it lights up and beeps). Everyone laughed and made comments about babies loving sounds and buttons... except this one opinionated idiot.. she went on and on about how microwaves are not good for kids and why would you ever let a child to stare at one... the way she was talking you would think we put him inside and turned it on!
She then went on about the evils of iPhones and iPads.. my DH and I went off to dance and left her to it.

I do agree that sometimes mum does need TLC - I do not have a heart of stone!
What I am railing against is the normalisation of special snowflake status - we often read on here posts where baby is not even here yet, but plans are already in place to ensure complete lockdown with mum calling the shots.
MaQueen, I completely agree with your post about women seeing children as their next career move. I have thought that for some time.
My age group (49) was the 'having it all' generation, we fought for equality and held down jobs without the benefit of flexible working, parental leave, enhanced maternity leave etc. Giving up your career was regarded as something to avoid if at all possible. None of my friends at that time were SAHMs.
Now we have turned full circle and it is regarded as desirable to be a SAHM, but some women are anxious not to lose any if the status they were used to at work.
Hence performance patenting.
That's my theory anyway.