To be sick of the perfect modern parent brigade!?

[Toofondofcake]

If I get a flaming here oh well but I hope I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I'm sick of hearing other women/parents lecturing others on parenting techniques in a properly pretentious and judgey way. It always seems to be something like "we don't discipline, putting your child in timeout is abuse". Or "my child Star only wears gender neutral clothing as I won't impose society's gender constructs on them" or "clothes don't matters my 8 year old can wear whatever she likes".

I respect other people parent in very different ways but I can't stand seeing people preaching parenting lectures at others. I just want to scream " your DAUGHTER isn't spirited She's a bully! And letting her wear her dance leotard to the park isn't progressive and changing society, it's October and it's freezing and inappropriate".

Sorry for ranting. This is my scream into a pillow place.

their baby.
It always amazes me how hard new mums make life for themselves - co-sleeping, baby-led bedtimes, routine frowned upon, feeding on demand, baby napping on mum ... I could go on and on

I did all of the above with my last four children and found it considerably easier than the more routine based approach I tried with my eldest two. Different children and different parents find different things easier.

I don't think it's a 'brigade'. I know loads of people who are very forceful and self righteous and bossy about all kinds of parenting choices.
Some people are just forceful and self righteous and bossy. It's not a parenting thing particularly.

I think people are so keen for validation because of sites like this, women popping up to tell you how shit you are. Parenting is so personal and you put so much of yourself into it that when somebody criticises it can hurt, particularly when that criticism comes in that "I am just saying it as it is" style.

I also think that in order to avoid such criticism people tend to seek out groups either in real life or on the internet who represent our choices. In my real life I attend a "gentle parenting " group, I can't remember groups existing like that when I had my older children. As a result I have become even "crunchier" with my youngest two because I was mixing with people who were simply an echo of my own views or who nudged me further into that spectrum.

I do think that there is a class element at play. When we go to a local Waitrose or certain coffee shops they are full of parents negotiating with their children - who seem to listen, stamp their feet and then carry on playing up.

Totally agree that co sleeping, sling wearing, feeding on demand etc make life easier. Nor are they new fangled ideas. It amuses me how people think that putting babies down, restricring their feeding etc is the 'traditional' way and baby carrying and demand feeding and co sleeping get labelled new fangled and 'alternative'. They also generally lead to babies who cry less- surely that makes life easier!!
I briefly tried Gina Ford- impossibly hard and stressful!!

I think they can make life easier if you have a lifestyle and family set up that suits co sleeping, slings, feeding on demand, cloth nappies etc ( although I don't see how you do anything but feed on demand),

Punk and Gnome you've actually blown my mind. I'm a mum to a 9mo DD and a lot of my anxiety since having her has revolved around "what is parenting"?

Eureka! It's just raising kids...that's what it is...

I could go into a whole slew of platitutes about how this has lanced some of my anxiety but I won't. You have actually lifted the scales from my eyes.

Ps: on reflection this sounds sarky, it's not. My mum managed on her own with me, my granny with five. I've just been so wrapped up in "am I getting parenting right?

Thank you thank you thank you xx

I get heartily sick of this sort of bollocks, and have unfollowed a close relative on FB because of it. The references to 'self care' (having a cup of tea) 'adult creativity' (having a go with the kids' crayons) 'quality time' (reading a story) 'bonding with nature' (going for a walk) and generally bleating on about stuff like she's just invented it. Joyless, out to prove something and generally rather miserable for the kids.

Yes! This! Everything has a title...I got so paranoid when the mums around me ask

• are you doing baby led weaning?
• have you tried controlled crying?
• what sleep training are you doing?

I literally didn't know what they meant and had to look it all up, leading me to think I must be shit for not realising what this stuff is and (in the case of the last two) not doing it?

Re: baby led weaning - I didn't realise it was "just giving the baby bits of your dinner"

Yes its just bits of your dinner

Yup, titles for everything. I offered a child (4) a cracker with cheese at a party. While looking me in the eye she took it, dropped it on the floor and stood on it. Mother swoops, tilts head, flashes a smile and says 'Oh she's refusing today'. No she's not 'refusing' she's bloody rude. And she wasn't refusing when she had her head in the biscuit tin.
The general running commentary, the letting kids interrupt and rule the roost and then moaning about how exhausted they are gets up my nose too.

The child with the cracker would have found herself with a dustpan and brush as a natural consequence of that.

Legend, don't beat yourself up. Bringing up kids is 90% guilt anyway so don't add to it.

20 odd years ago, when mine were babies, the mums in the baby group we attended were very seriously discussing which schools they were going to send their babies to - I'm talking local primaries here, not Eton. It pissed me off so much that they were putting this totally unneeded pressure on that I told them I was going to home ed. I didn't home ed and massive kudos to anyone who does

It shut them up. They were being snobby bitches.

I'm sure it's always been prevalent throughout society in a variety of guises, but I agree that labels and social media makes it easier to identify and harder to escape.

Fortunately most people I know seem fairly sensible and middle ground, bimbling along surviving types, which is where I tend to associate myself.

I can think of one person that I met years ago through baby groups, and still see sporadically. She tends to end up posting lots of gentle/ attachment parenting type articles, with comments tending to be along the lines of "I must remember this", rather than being orientated towards others' parenting. I can often see the underlying sense of the sentiment, but the content of gently reasoning and explaining to a child, validating their emotional state etc. etc. is quite an imposing ideal to set for yourself, and not practical in various situations. When people can't live up to their ambitions, it erodes confidence further.

There can be a lot of moralism attached to parenting decisions. Woe betide you don't buy the dearest, highest rated extended rear facing car seat for example. If it's not the safest that's humanly possible, then some people take that as a sign that you don't love your children enough. Or ruining children's hips in a forward facing Baby Bjorn carrier... Also the sharing of irrational, over anxious parenting can normalise it (as well as challenging it) (thinks of all the risk of spontaneous combustion at the petrol station type threads)

I'm glad I had several years of teaching experience before becoming a mother. It's given me more confidence at knowing what I want, what battles I need to fight and where there is space to compromise. I certainly don't slot into (or aspire) to a style of parenting. What I do want to achieve, is to raise children to be good company, maximise their opportunities, be productive members of society and to be happy and confident. I'll keep blagging until I get there, and on balance, I think we're doing alright

My kids are older, so I'm fairly well free of this sort of stuff.

Around here, I notice that parents who do affect a certain kind of parenting image are more prone to faux self-deprecation, which I find possibly even more tedious than the overly earnest mummies.

Woe betide you don't buy the dearest, highest rated extended rear facing car seat for example

Yes, I was astonished by the bandwidth devoted to extended rear facing baby seats. My youngest was prone to carsickness and I am a vomit-phobe so I had him forward facing as soon as possible - lots of clucking. Fuck off.

lots of clucking. Fuck off.

Try being a dad. Apparently I'm supposed to do projects in my shed with my son. As someone who has the dexterity of a ham fisted goat I'm hardly the one to show him how to cut a piece of wood straight.

Apparently I was supposed to buy a family friendly car with baby on board sticker and bike rack. A knackered old Land Rover with built in smokescreen followed.

Teach daughter to shout loudly 'NO' and be assertive when someone does something inappropriate to her. Erm. Punch him as hard as you can love (preferably in the knackers) and come and tell me as soon as possible.

Take son to football each week and encourage him to play and impart my extensive knowledge of the game to him. At his first match I realised that even if my wife confessed to having an affair with the half the town at the time of conception my son and I shared DNA. He walked off bored after ten minutes and went and sat in said Land Rover.

And the best? Instead of grounding the kids I'm supposed to sit them down and explain the consequences of their actions. I'm sure whilst sat staring at the walls in their rooms they can work it out.

It is lazy parenting not progressive. :-) It is much easier to ignore bad behaviour than deal with it. The best behaved children and young adults I know have loving but strict parents.

How you feed, dress and educate your child is entirely your business however:

It is not okay to behave badly in public, it is not okay to ignore this behaviour.

The world does not revolve around your child and you are not doing them any service to let them think it does.
Being kind and polite does matter.
Their needs are not more important than anyone else's and sometimes in life you have to put other people before yourself.
Public places are for everyone and there are shared rules which do apply to children.

:-)

I've said this on another thread a while ago:

As soon as you codify something, making one way good and the other bad, you end up with a certain section of society taking it as gospel.

I'm not sure I understand the point of parenting groups for particular styles of parenting. It becomes an echo chamber of 'our way is the only way'. Surely they just encourage further division. And I'm not just taking aim at the 'crunchy' set. I quite like a few of the ideas. I'm just not that keen on following one set of rules like a robot, regardless of my lifestyle or child's needs. The same could be said of Gina Ford. Why restrict yourself?

I'm pretty sick of children being allowed toexpress themselveswhen I'm trying to have a quiet coffee in the whole twenty minutes that dd naps, yes I have children, yes I do understand....tell the little sod no once then take them home ffs!
Yep I'm that judgy mum that has a well behaved child....except when they are awake and being taken home for behaving like brats children

The same could be said of Gina Ford. Why restrict yourself?

They meet in a great cafe with a good play area, much better than a playgroup in a church hall with overly stewed tea from an urn.

Cosmic

I agree

But I think the codifying sometimes happens as a result of people like the OP calling something a "brigade"

The world does not revolve around your child and you are not doing them any service to let them think it does.

Completely agree with this. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that I think it is damaging to kids. Nobody lives in a vacuum - and the problem with the "anything goes as long as you don't hurt yourself/free spirit" type of attitude is that it misses the fact that other people's actions and reactions will have an impact on your child. If your child is polite and considerate people will react positively towards him or her. He or she will be more likely be liked by teachers/ other kids/other parents.....and that makes life a lot easier for that child in the long run. And the reverse is true. Most other people will not enjoy your child's constant expression of his creativity or bow to her wants. People will probably be polite enough not to say anything overtly negative to you or your "spirited" child, but they will think it and, subconsciously, those vibes and that negative reaction will have an impact on the child (as will the lack of invitations to play or to parties in a more obvious manner).

Of course, you can go too far the other way - I'd never advocate turning a child into a "people pleaser" as therein lies all sorts of other problems! But there's a self interest in manners and politeness - as well as basic consideration for others and treating others as you would like them to treat you. And I think people forget this sometimes.

Anyone remember the days when Dr Spock was blamed for the Vietnam war and modern permissiveness? reveals herself as old crone

FerretFred you're my new fave Dad.

I'm not sure I understand the point of parenting groups for particular styles of parenting. It becomes an echo chamber of 'our way is the only way'. Surely they just encourage further division. And I'm not just taking aim at the 'crunchy' set. I quite like a few of the ideas. I'm just not that keen on following one set of rules like a robot, regardless of my lifestyle or child's needs. The same could be said of Gina Ford. Why restrict yourself?

Yes. Brand yourself at your own peril!